Wednesday, November 25, 2009

You say Thanksgiving I say Thursday

Wow I just am having such a hard time finding the words to write and the things I want to say. Weird 2 weeks ago I was writing like crazy I could not stop and now I am unsure how to put it all into words. So here we go for nothing.
First off thank you so much for praying for Luke. He is home now.
Next off I guess I should say that I am having a very hard time with all of this. I feel so much and nothing all at once. I am slowly taking myself away from the world. My "coach" says this is not good, but really he has no idea how hard all this is. Now do not get me wrong he is a good counselor. However I just wish I did not need to see him. But I do and so I go. The way I see it at least it gets me outta the house for an hour right???
Yes I have spent about 95% of the last week locked in my house. I have no need or want to leave my home. If it were not for Inge I am sure I would not even go outside of the front door. However because of her and the fact that cleaning dog messes is not appealing I do at least take her out.
So Thursday is fast approaching.....Not looking forward to it I will not lie I am very much dreading the whole day. Everyone being thankful, happy, and smiling right now is just not my bag ya know??? Thursday is a reminder of a big day that Ethin is not here for. Please do not get me wrong I am thankful for the J Triplets, but they will be with their dad so really what the hell am I supposed to do???? I will not be a mother on that day and it is a day I need to feel like I am needed.
I was guilted into going to my family's house even though I offered to cook dinner here! I still am going to cook here as I am sure that will be short lived. My fuse is already so short and I know that it is not going to be any longer on Thursday. So I am going to do my best to plaster the fake smile on my face and do this whole "family" thing that I do NOT want to do. Thankfully my family all drinks so I know there will be a glass of wine with my name on it. Oh how I hate wine, but I have a feeling I may need it.
Then the day after Thursday is nothing more than a reminder of the fact that Ethin has been gone for 5 months. 5 very long, exhausting, emotionally draining months since my punk left this Earth and Heaven gained an angel. I can not believe it's been that long yet at times it still feels like yesterday I was on the phone pleading with Dr. Goldstein to not let him die, begging him to keep Ethin alive until I could get there. That was not the case and Ethin was gone. 5 months ago I held his lifeless body in my arms and cried begging him to wake up.
Dear God how did this happen to me??? How did I become the parent that left without my baby??? How am I the one with such an empty heart and very empty arms??? Last year on Thursday I was very full of food, still having morning sickness, and feeling him kick in my belly. He was still SAFE. Now he is gone and I am so forever changed.
Ya know if life was everything I wanted it to be Ethin would be here and Thursday would be Thanksgiving not just Thursday. If he were here I would be so thankful and so happy to go be with my family. BUT he's NOT!!! HE IS NOT HERE!!! And I do not want to do this!! Life is so unfair and so damn cruel the way it cuts you deep to the core. Yes I am angry while everyone around me is thankful and happy. I am down right depressed and livid!
Oh I am so sorry that you are all reading this. This is why I have not wrote. I feel as though I am regressing and so badly do not want to disappoint any of you. I am thankful for all of you. I just needed to get all that out. Now I want to say a few things that are good....
I am thankful for Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde
I am thankful for Ethin
I am thankful for my amazing grandma
I am thankful for my heart family that spreads across the entire USA
I am thankful for all the medical staff at Mott
I am also thankful for the very awkwardly warm weather in MI
OK I also have some big news.....I am hoping to do the handout for the Cuddles from the Heart program in December so I need all th blankets by November 30. You can mail your new or homemade blankets to me at Jessica Twigg 513 Sunset Dr. Newaygo, MI 49337
Also the last day to get me pics for the CHD video for the Heart Ball is November 30th. You can email me those pics to chdhlhs09@yahoo.com I need them by then as Stef and I will be editing the video so it can be ordered by December 15. If you are going to want a copy of the DVD you will need to email me so I know.

Blessings, Jessica

6 comments:

Stefenie said...

Oh Jess!!! If my arms could reach that far I would hold you until all the tears were gone. I know we have talked a bit this week and you have not been looking forward to the holidays approaching. {{{HUG}}}

Please try looking up and seeing Ethin. Remember that he wants to see his mommy smile and continue living for him.

Call me if you need to Jess! I am always here!

Stef, Ryan, Wyatt and Logan
http://www.whenlifehandsyouabrokenheart.blogspot.com

Sundie said...

Oh sweet Jess... I'm struggeling to find positive words of encouragement because I feel so sad and angry for you... I feel it's not fair and my heart aches for you and Amelia's mom right now... and all of the other mommies with babies who earned their angel wings way too early in life! But Stefenie is right... Ethin would want to see his mommy happy and continuing to live for him! Spreading his message and the love you both shared.
Wishing you a bareable Thursday... and hope that in your own time Thursday can turn back into Thanksgiving.
Hugs and much Love for you and your J's,
Sundie

Jen said...

Jess, I am so sorry. It is so hard to know what to say...I wish you had Ethin here too, and it just isn't fair that he's not. Just try to feel him in your heart-he is there. God is too, even though I know at times He feels very far away. We will be praying for you. Remember, just think of tomorrow as any other day! ;P
It was nice talking to you over the weekend!
Take care,
Jen
http://www.thehuegelfamily.blogspot.com

Shannon said...

Jess, I'm praying for a bearable day for you tomorrow. I know you've been dreading it coming, but I hope that somehow you can have a peaceful day.

Big, big prayers for you tomorrow, and always. Call me if you need ANYTHING!

Big heart hugs and prayers,
Shannon

jacobcassie said...

Jess,
I've been thinking of you and praying for you all day, that you would start to feel peace over this holiday season and that you would get through. I'm always here for you, I sure hope you know that.
I'll be praying for your strength tomorrow.
Love,
Cassie
p.s. I'm thankful for you, for your courage to speak and write so openly, and to really feel...even if it is anger and frustration. I'm THANKFUL to have you in my life.

traxfam said...

Hi Jessica,
I've been thinking about you today. Hugs,
Deanna