Wednesday, October 17, 2012


Well I gave the blog a new look hope you all like it!  Again I continue to allow this blog to reflect my life since Ethin.  This truly has been my journey through grief.  It has not been an easy journey and it is and always will be the longest journey of my life.  By God's grace alone I am still here and able to be much further than I ever thought I would be.
Losing Ethin still affects me today just differently today than it did the day that it happened.  Different is the key word in what I wrote.  It has not gotten better nor any easier it has just gotten very different.  My life is so very different than anything that I ever imagined it or dreamed it to be.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not wish that I was the mother of four living children, but I am always thankful that I am the mother of four children whether they are here with me or not.
My life today is different and some of the ways that it has become different are not so unbearable anymore.  I have even grown accustomed to this different.  There are ways where it is still the same too.  For instance I still deal with my grief mostly on my own.  As close as Phil and I are that is one area that I do not just open myself up to him.  He does not understand and I can not make him understand.  I still rely fully on God to ease the pain inside my heart when it becomes more than I can bear.  I still help my children through it on their bad days alone as well.
The areas that are different are not all bad different.  Phil is a huge good different in my life now.  God is bigger in my life today than He ever was before and that is a great thing.  I have learned to rely more on God in the last three plus years than I ever did in my first 26 years.  I have met some of the most amazing women and am very blessed to know them and without losing Ethin I never would have.  Ethin changed my whole life, but not in bad ways.
Ethin has been on my mind a lot lately.  I am not sure why, but he just is.  I have been looking at pictures of him and trying to remember what it really felt like to hold him.  I guess that is one thing that is gone and I can not really remember the way it felt to hold him.  To feel him fall asleep on my chest and feel his little body move against me.   I really do miss him and that is OK that I do.
Life here is fast paced and constantly moving!  I think that sometimes Phil and I are not sure if we are coming or going.  Phil is coaching Owen's football team.  Thankfully they have one more game and then they will be done till next fall.  However winter means Owen and Jayde will be playing basketball, Jonathin will be wrestling, and Jessa, Owen, Jonathin, and Jayde will be working on softball and baseball again.  I help with softball and Phil helps with baseball.  In the winter it is all indoor training.  The way I see it we will have about two weeks between football and winter sports!  I started bowling every other Saturday night and will be doing that until spring....It is fair to say this home would not know function without sports; it would however have so much more time for other things.....who am I kidding there is nothing better than watching these kiddos play and for us to coach them!
This past Saturday Jessa was able to experience her first Michigan State football game at Spartan Stadium!  It was wet and cold and we lost so that kinda stunk, but man was it great to be there with her watching the game!  Phil gave her some money so she could buy hot chocolate and a souvenir.  We went with Phil's dad Phil so for me to know she was there with me and her papa was also secretly the coolest thing ever to me!
I know I jumped around a bit, but experiencing this past weekend with Jessa was awesome, but also a bittersweet memory that I can not ever share with my son.  These are the moments that as they come I am reminded that the world goes on; life goes on even when you think it should stop.  These are the moments that I am reminded of what I have and what I do not have.  I am thankful for what I have, but I miss what I do not have.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Firsts Still Happen

So life here is crazy as normal.  I am loving life and the experiences I am having for example I went to my first MSU game for this season and it was under the Spartan lights!  I was able to go thanks to my boyfriends dad and a friend that sits by us at Spartan Stadium.  So we got an extra ticket to the Notre Dame vs. Michigan State and I was able to experience my first MSU game of the season with my amazing boyfriend!!!
Phil and I at the ND vs MSU game September 15, 2012
 I have come to realize that while I am getting to experience some "firsts" there are still some first things that start to happen that I am not getting to experience.  Weird how that as time has passed I am learning that there are always going to be things that I am missing out on.  The big one this fall as school started I had friends that sent there children off to their first day of school.  This is something that I had forgotten would come to pass.  This is an experience that I have experienced with Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde.  It is however an experience that I did not get to go through with Ethin.  As I looked at pictures of my friends sending their children off to school a small part of my heart ached as I did not get to send Ethin off to school.
I think the general misconception that I had after that first year was over is that I would finally not have more firsts, but I do.  I still have firsts that will not happen.  Life has seemed to level out, but there will always be someone missing.  As life has continued to move I still think often of Ethin and the life we were supposed to have.
I have also realized that there will never be a good reason that he is gone and I will never stop missing him or wanting him here, but I do know that while the pain is there God will always give me enough Grace to get through it.