Thursday, December 31, 2009

What a Year

Alright I guess I may have a lot to say here as it has been a while sine a real update has taken place.  However the problem with updatiung lately really has been that everyone was centered around the holiday and happy with the way things were that I did not want to update and bring anypne down or disappoint anyone further than I already had.  So I guess I will start with last week about this time and come to where I am right now and round out my blog for the year. 
So last week about this time was Christmas.  I spent Christmas with some very good friends I met at the hospital.  I got to their house on Wednesday night and it was icy and I fell down three cement steps and fractured two ribs.  We all woke up on Christmas morning and did what most families do.  Gifts under the trr that needed to be opened.  I got a a very cool Tigers ornament and a few other things.  It was weird though opening up gifts and trying to just be happy.  All I could think was Ethin was not there with me.  Their grandson who was just shy of being one was there opening gifts and I was so empty as I watched on with a complete emptiness.
So the day went on and their family started to show up with tons of food.  The food spread across the kitchen from one end to the other.  After dinner I tried to migrate any where that I could try to be alone.  I know that this was not what others wanted, but it really was just to much to be around so many people.  I eventually found myself outside alone just crying and breaking down.  Christmas Day was so painful yet other parts of it just felt like any other day.  Needless to say by the time I went to lay down I cuddled right up with Ethin's monkey and blanket and cried myself to sleep. 
I awoke on Saturday and trekked my home.  I stopped in Grand Rapids to see my family there for a while and enjoyed a nice lunch with them and some much needed time with my cousin who is in the Army.  From there I went home and slept.
Waking up on Sunday the 27th was the worst.  The day I had dreaded had finally arrived.  Ethin had been gone longer than he was alive!  Really this had to hapen!!!!  Why me why did this happen to me and my family.  Needless to say I pulled myself out of bed to go to my grandma's for Christmas with my family and my kids.  I loved the time with my kids and grandma.  However everything else that happened there left me angry, resentful, and exhausted.  Not at my kids or grandma but everyone else there.  I gave my family a picture of Ethin and not a one of them thanked me.  Not a one of them even mentioned my son their nephew and grandson's name!!!!  Really no one cared enough to even mention him to me.  I was so crushed.  I guess I just assumed my family of all people would at least ask about things, or mention his name!
Monday I drove a very good friend of mine to MSU hospital for some tests.  I was glad to spend time with her as she has been such a good friend.  Her news was hard to hear.  Also when I got home a fellow heart mom friend who recently lost her son was at my house to spend a few days. 
To be honest this may have been the best part of everything in the last month.  It was heart breaking to hear her, but it was so nice to know that I did not have to pretend at all about how I am feeling.  We were both with someone who totally understood exactly what it was like the last week.  Everyone smiling and happy saying merry Christmas.  YUCK!!!!  Her and I were angry and did not feel out of place being so.  We went to the cemetery here and I cried and knew that it was OK that she ws there I did not make her uncomfortable with my tears as she too has them and understood my break down there. 
We went to church last night and the sermon was on the woman who had mega faith.  We both thought the sermon was quite fitting.  I went to say good bye to a friend that was there and when I hugged him I had a few tears and when I hugged him he said to me this, "You have Mega Faith"  This made me cry a bit more as I through my tears back told him but it wasn't enough.  Trisha and I went home had a great dinner together and watched a movie.  When she woke up today she left with plans to be back with her husband next week Friday for the ball.
Then I was all alone again.  I was again completely and utterly alone in this world that just does not make sense to me.  One that seems to eat me alive and tear me down to so little.  So I quickly got in my van and drove to Grand Rapids where my family was ready to have me to bring in the new year.  However I am now just on the verge of tears here and would rather go home to make sure I am out at the cemetery to bring in the new year.
So there is the catch up of events.  All that has happened this week.  However all that I have to say is not done so bare with me please.
What an amazing, horrible, awful, and humbling year.  Yes all those things and more I am sure.  I think of this year and I want to scream yet mostly tears just fall.  This year has been so long and so exhausting.  So this year I gave birth to Ethin, left the J triplets to be with Ethin, watched Ethin go through 3 open heart surgeries, 1 diaphragm surgery, countless intubations and extubations, countless Echos of his heart, 3 heart caths, Lost count of the IV's, I buried my son, Collected countless letters for Letters of Hope, Wrote every state Rep in MI about the Congenital Heart Futures Act, Held Ethin's Balloon Release, Completed the first year of Cuddles from the Heart MI, Began the Heart Ball prepping, and wrote a letter to the governor asking for a proclamation for CHD week in MI.  None of this includes the little things here and there that have happened this truly is just the major things that I can think of.  Yes the year is done and all I can think of doing is crying as I lok back on the year.
The year had so many ups and downs, but Ethin was a par tof it all!  I look forward to 2010 as I know Ethin will continue to be a part of it.  I also look forward to spending the next year with Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde as this past year was so hard for all of us.  I know that the year coming will be hard as there is still so much I have no worked through, but I look forward tot he many great things that God has in store for me for 2010.  So Blessings to you all for a great 2010!

"If Tears could build a stairway and Memories a lane, I's walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again."

Happy New Year Ethin I love you!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Happy Birthday Tater Tot!

Well I m sure you are all wondering how things went for the holidays and what is new....I would like to share, but that may have to come tomorrow or another day as I have something better for today!  Before I get started though please pray for Logan who went into his heart cath about 10 minutes ago.  On with it here we go......

HAPPY 6th BIRTHDAY Jayde!!!!!

My youngest daughter was born on December 30, 2003.  I named her Jayde, but call her Tater Tot!  She is my innocent one (Or so I like to believe!) 
I can not believe how big you have gotten through the years.  You are still small to me, but you are so smart and an apple to my eye!  I can not imagine life without you.  I remember when I was pregnant for you and the doctors told me you might not live.  I was so terrified, but now look at you healthy as a frog and 6 years old today!!!! 
Jayde my dreams for you like your sister and brothers are big.  Your Heart is amazing and I love the way you love so freely.  I look forward to continually watch you grow into a young lady.  You are very catty at times and although you should not be I can not help but see your independence through it! 
You are a good sister!!!!  You are so willing to share everything you have with Jessa and Jonathin.  Ethin loved you very much too!!!  I love the way you always wanted to be with him while we were home!  Jayde you are a great big sister!!!  I never imagined all the laughs that you would bring me.   You are awfully funny!!!  I enjoy watching you play soccer and I love that you no matter what do not quit! 
You are a half pint there is no doubt, but you are my half pint.  You are my lovable tater tot!!!  Know that I love you always and would give you the world if I could!!!  I am proud of you Happy Birthday Jayde!!!

Love, Mommy

Thursday, December 24, 2009

All Because of Ethin

It feels like just another day here.  So many are making final preparations for their Christmas celebrations tomorrow.  Some are doing last minute shopping while others are getting as much food ready as they can before their families explode into their house.  Seems everyone is smiling and anticipating waking up in the morning to all the gifts under the trees!  The only gifts I truly want I will not find under the tree in the morning.  I am trying to be OK for everyone's sake however I am far from OK.
I am pretty sure that I will not have a chance to blog tomorrow so I am going to write things here for tomorrow and then fill in when I get home from Niles. 

Back in July or August a friend of mine Monica shared the idea of writing down every year at Christmas the the things that never would have been done or happened through the year if her daughter Faith would have never existed.  So I am going to do the same this all stuff that happened because Ethin existed:
Heart Family by the numbers!
I know I have a calling to serve God
There has been $425 donated to the Ronald McDonald House in Ann Arbor in Ethin's name
Balloon Release raised $689 donated to the U of M Mott Pediatric Congenital Heart Center
Cuddles From The Heart Program was started in MI
538 Blankets were donated to CFTH and donated to Mott on Dec. 16, 2009
Thousands of people were brought to prayer
The 1st Ethin's heart Still Beats Heart Ball is being planned
And the #1 thing that happened becasue of Ethin is that I have learned to love every little thing in life.  He taught me to love all the little things in life and that NOTHING compares to being a mother.  I love You Ethin I am so proud to call you my son!  You have changed the world and that is something that amazes me to this day! 
What a lot of things for such a small life to have done.  I can not believe all he has done. 

So yesterday I got in my car and trekked to Niles MI to spend Christmas with Patti and her family.  I met this family at U of M so we are all very close still to this day.  As I left my home yesterday I got my mail and in there was a small package.  In the package was a beautiful heart frame with a poem and Ethin's picture from Jen.  She is Andrew's mother.  After I got on the road I called her and we talked for a long while.  It was so nice as she is a teacher so I rarely get the chance to just talk to her.  I thanked her for my gift and we also talked about how we came to find one another.  We talked about Andrew's upcoming heart cath.  Please keep them in prayer as that approaches.  Thanks again Jen I truly love it! 
Getting that gift yesterday made me realize just how blessed my life is because Ethin lived.  I have amazing an amazing heart family.  I love them so much!

Oh and I am going to make Ethin's perfect ornament!!!!  I found a piece for it yesterday!!!  Pics to come upon completion I may not have it this year, but that's OK as I do not have a tree anyhow!!!  

Here are the prayer requests!!!  And an encouragement to go to my side bar and link to the Heart Ball and the Cuddles From the Heart  site.
Derrick had his Heart Cath yesterday and the pressures are suitable for surgery.  D is home for the holidays praise God for that.  Continue to be in prayer for Derrick and his parents Shannon and Justin as surgery appraoches.
Logan will be having his heart cath at the end of the month.  This cath may be able to hold off surgery, but it may also lead to surgery.  Pray that God will hold him through this and allow it to be nothing more than a cath.  Keep his brother Wyatt and his parents Stef and Ryan in your prayers as they as a family need strength to get through this day as well.
Andrew will be having a cath in January and like Logan's this will be the glimer of hope to hold of surgery or could lead to surgery.  Prayers for him and his parents Jen and Craig as they approach this cath may God give them the peace that they will need to get through this also
Jordan will be having surgery in January.  Be with her brothers and her parent Jeremy and Tracey as this day approaches them as well.
Prayers for these kids I just feel so far away in miles and wish I could be with them all through the next month. 


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Tag I'm it now who to Tag back!

Well I will start with this I was tagged by Stef so in being tagged I am supposed to tell you all 7 things you do not know about me.  The hard thing about this for me as that I share so much that I really had to think about things.  So here we go....
1.  I have had the same best friend for 18 years.  His name is Aaron and I feel very blessed that he is in my life.  I would do anything for him and vice versa.  This friendship has seen eachother through kids, divorces, and the loss of our loved ones.  He is my rock. 
2.  I went to 5 different highschools. 
3.  I also dropped out of high school my senior year....I then went back pregnant and graduated in 2002 as an honor student, wife, mother to Jessa, and pregnant for Jonathin.  I graduated from the regular public high school and was the 1st student they had that went and graduated with a child.
4.  When I was growing up I never wanted kids.  When anyone I went to school with before I had Jessa finds me or runs into me they can not believe I am a very HAPPY mother of four children.....and that I would love to find my soul mate and have another one! (Things change I love being a mom)
5.  I spent time in a foster care home when I was a teenager.  I still have contact with them to this day.  They became a very important part of my life.
6.  I love cooking for people!  I love having people over to my house for dinner. 
7.  I was a tomboy growing up....I would rather of worn baggy jeans, t-shirts, and ball caps than anything else.  I wanted to play football and did play every sport I could.  Now I love havin a reason to wear a dress and I am much more femine.  I do still love sports and playing them though!  LOL  Just very few days that I wear ball caps though I own a ton of them!
Alright I think that is all news to most of you?!  So I also have to tag other people....So here are the ones I tag
Have fun with this ladies!!!
Alright next I encourage you to visit the Cuddles From The Heart  site as our handout date was last week and it went well, but also Utah had their Cuddles day to and WOW!!!  Please go check it out.
With that I am still collecting blankets in hope of getting more to give to DeVos Children's hospital here in Grand Rapids, MI.  You can mail your blankets to at my addreess.  They need to be new store bought or newly homemoade blankets for ages 0-18.
Jessica Twigg
513 Sunset Dr.
Newaygo, MI 49337
any questions email me
Well Christmas is just days away and I am going to go to Niles, MI and see spend time with a very important family that I met at Mott.  I am feeling lots of things about going there.  They have a grandson that was in the NICU there and I am excited to see him, but also aprehensive too. 
OK now I need to share my weekend.....So I went snowboarding on Saturday at a birthday party with the Heideman's.  So I thought sledding was not a good idea in my age.  Well let me tell you that snowboarding was an even worse idea, but the challenge was so much better!!!  I have a bruise on my upper leg that is very painful.  Do you think I can get a younger body for Christmas?  I just can not for the life of me give up the fact that I am not 14 anymore!!!  We had a great time I will post pics when I can on it. 
Also I got an amazing offer yesterday and after the ball is finished I am going to embark on a new thing that I am so excited about.  I guess I should start with the beginnning of this too.  Before I had Ethin I was considering going back to college.  I shared this with my pastor after Ethin was born.  After Ethin passed away I put it on a back burner.  However when God wants you to do something it will lay heavily on your heart so I am excited to say that I think I will be going back to school next fall.  I will be majoring in ministry and public speaking.  I would like if I can to minor in Social Work.  So my pastor knowing all of this offered me to volunteer and help at church with the services.  I am so excited and can not wait to begin this journey in my life and dive further into my church.  Now the other great thing abou this was I was thinking that maybe after 26 years at my church that it was time to go elsewhere.  I had been praying so much about this very difficult choice and now I know that I am where I need to be and am very thankful as I really did not want to leave.  I love my church and all the people in it.  I was reminded yesterday by my pastor that I am surrounded there by people who love me.  I really love them too!  So please be in prayer for me about this for me.  I am worried about it all little bit, but I know God will lead me to do whatever I need to do to help out. 
Counseling has been still just going.  Some times I am not sure if it is helping and other times I know that it is.  So I still go.  However I think that I am going to go on a retreat to a place for Bereaved parents and families.  I am so worried about so many things right now, but mostly that after the ball is done that I will actually grieve and that scares me.  I really am not sure if I have done this let alone if I want to do this. 
I guess that is all please just pray for all these kiddos and their families as they all have procedures coming up between now and the end of January:  Derrick, Logan, Andrew, Joradan.  
God Bless,

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Christmas in Heaven

Obviously the writers block I was feeling seems to not be an issue.  Two posts in 24 hours!!!  I am rocking out the blog world.  Here I encourage you to go and read about the Cuddles From the Heart Donation day for MI at Mott hospital!!!  Click here and read about the journey it took in MI.  Also we are still collecting blankets here in MI as we are hoping to do a handout for DeVos Hospital no later than April but the sooner the better!!!  Same rules apply A new homemade or store bought blanket.  You can mail them to me at Jessica Twigg
513 Sunset Dr.
Newaygo, MI 49337
email me with questions

Also if you wanted to order the DVD that I made for the Heart ball you need to email me so that I can give you my address and the price.  I will need all these checks to me by Christmas.  I have to make sure that I have them ordered in time for the Ball.  Email me

So I have been crying a lot lately more than I was.  I guess I thought I was leveling out and now I know that I am just not feeling all in the spirit.  Some people think that's alright and others think that I should be.  I guess I just never imagined that this would be me.  I never thought I would be 26 years old and the mother of a baby that I do not get to hold.  I never imagined that I would spend what should have been a Baby's First Christmas on Earth as the mother whose baby's first Christmas is in Heaven.
The things I never imagined that I am going through right now are so painful.  I imagined so many things for Ethin.  I just as any mother have so many dreams and aspirations for my children.  Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde I still hold many of those dreams and aspirations.  Ethin's ended in June and at times it is a hard thing to let go of them.  Sometimes I still wonder though and I think what it would be like if he were here.  I still think what it would have been like to see him grow up.
I think that other things that way heavily on my heart is the year is rounding down.  I can not believe that this year is almost up.  I can not believe all the things that have happened this year!  I guess next week will be when I truly reflect on it.  Until then I just wan tto share this poem I wrote today. 
Please pray for the following. 
Derrick has a heart cath on Wed and surgery in January
Logan has a cath on the 30th
Andrew has some stuff coming in January
Jordan has surgery coming in January
Please pray for these kids and their families.  This is my heart family and they mean a lot to me.

The angels are singing up here songs of joyous measure
Songs of a birth songs that many treasure
The tree here is enormous so full and green
It really is the most perfect tree my eyes have ever seen
God took me in his arms today and told me of Jesus’ birth
He shared with me the way you would celebrate on Earth
Mommy I am spending Christmas in Heaven this year
I want you to be happy please do not shed another tear
Jesus’ took all the children here to hills where there is snow
We went sledding and laughter filled the air I thought you’d like to know
The angels taught us all a chorus wow they are amazing
I am here in Heaven spending Christmas with our King
This is hard for you and I want to ease the pain inside your heart
I am here in Heaven spending Christmas, but we are not far apart
Sometimes I worry about you and God tells me you’ll be OK
He told me your going to send a kiss to me on Christmas Day
He tells me all the time how much you miss and love me
When your smiling and having fun I look in on you so I can see
I like it when I get to hear your laugh and see you having fun
As Christmas time approaches remember the gift of God’s son
This is not forever God told me you will be here one day
We will spend Christmas in Heaven together that’s what I heard him say
Until then my Christmas wish mommy I want to share
Hold my blanket and monkey and feel in your heart I am there
I want you to be happy and live your life down there
God’s plan for you is not done I know you think it’s not fair
So just remember that even when you do not seem to understand
Know that I am in Heaven for Christmas holding my Savior’s hand
Your Christmas wish was heard God shared that with me also
He said there was something you wanted me to know
He said that you love me ever passing day and that you miss me too
I am spending Christmas in Heaven and mommy I know this is hard for you
So Merry Christmas mommy I Love You Too please hold that when life is not fun
Love Always, Ethin Your Perfect Heart Angel, Warrior, Punk, and Son

Jessica Twigg

Friday, December 18, 2009

Writers' Block Be Gone from my Blog!!!

What a week!!!  Cuddles From the Heart MI happened for Mott and turned out well.  It is posted on the webs site please go and read: Cuddles From the Heart.  (  However I will say that I will still be collecting blankets as we are hoping to do more hospitals so Cuddles From the Heart is still on in Michigan.  Hoping to blanket DeVos Children's Hospital in Grand Rapids, MI next.  Still the same requirements brand new store bought or homemade blankets you can mail them to me at 513 Sunset Dr. Newaygo, MI  email me with any questions

Next I have to tell you that on Monday I went and picked up 103 blankets and they handed me a gift bag and said this one is for you.  I was taken back and said thank you gave them their Ethin bracelets and hugged them and said goodbye.  When I got home I looked at MY blanket.  It is beautiful.  It is fleece and has crocheted ends and the fleece is angels playing with children.  How perfect.  Thank you Katie and Sue I love my blanket that you made for me.

Also the ball is coming and I would love to fill this hall.  Please go to the website an check it out.  Ethin's Heart Still Beats Heart Ball

Also I got a very saddening phone call on Wed. morning.  A Heart Mom friend of mine called to me to tell me that her son Ricky passed away on Monday morning.   Really life is so unfair and I know to many people that have lost their children and I know the names of to many babies that have died.  To many children that did not live long enough.  I know way to many!!!!  IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!
Sunday I lit a candle for Ethin and some for others here is the picture of the candle for Ethin that was lit for an hour.

 Ethin RaiLuc Twigg January 9, 2009-June 27, 2009  I Love You!!!

Sunday was another day that I realized I just know to many.  So dang unfair!

Forever more I just wish it were all different.  I wish my heart did not hurt the way that it does and that my arms were not so empty like they are.  I truly miss Ethin with all my heart.  I trust that God has a plan, but I wish the plan was not so hard.  I wish it did not hurt the way it does.
I find myself lately feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the thoughts and feeings again.  I am not sure if it is the time of year or the year is almost up or that this really is all just feeling like to much.  To much for one person to go through, to much to ask a person to endure, and to much to to do alone so I guess I am lucky that I have God who is willing to carry me through it.  I also at times though feel like I am alone physically.  There are just times I want to cry and know that someone is going to let me cry and be here to tell me it's OK.

Well I did counseling again twice this week.  On Tuesday and then again today by my request of the crappy feelings I am having.  I punched a door a couple times it felt good at first, but the bruising setting in makes think it might have been a bad idea.  Overall I think as the holidays are creeping up I am feeling more upset.  Somehow I just need to get through this.  I need to trust that God is going to carry me through it.  With Christmas coming I think I feel like such a let down.

Worst of all I can not even find him a perfect ornament.  Now I have been struggling with this and thanks to another angel mom that wrote about it I feel like it is OK to tell you all that I am not doing well with it.  I need the perfect ornament for Ethin.  Everyone said when I sen it I would know, but I am not seeing it and now it is starting to eat at me.  It hurts that I can not find one.  I guess a stupid thing to be upset about when I do not even have a tree up, but it is important to me.  This is not to say that I am not thankful for what I do have or what was given to me.  The funeral home had a beautiful red bulb made and I love it.  My friend Pat gave me a cute little glass heart, but I still need to find one that is perfect for Ethin.  I have ideas floating in my head, but just can not seem to find one.  I am sure that not getting out in the stores during this joyous time of year is not helping any.

Also there is the dilemma that the Christmas Eve Candle Light Service at my church is approaching.  I am not singing this year which is different and maybe even slightly difficult to handle that I am not doing anything for the service.  (It is my favorite service of the year)  But now I am not sure if I am even going to go.  I know everyone there will be in all sorts of great spirits and really I am afraid since I will not have a task a reason to stay all held together that I will be a blubbering idiot.  Oh forever more!!!

Alright I guess that is enough here.  Something good this week was I enjoyed a nice lunch on Tuesday with Pat a friend from church.  She has known me for as long as I have known her and that is a long time.  It was ice to just be with her and no that there was no expectations.  Matter of fact it was the opposite she wanted to know what people could do to make this easier, she talked bout Ethin, and mostly she listened and kicked my butt only when I needed it.  Since I know your reading this I love you thanks for Tuesday I much enjoyed my time with you!

Prayers please for the following:
Ricky's family as they grieve his loss at this time
Logan for his cath at the end of the month
Jordan has a surgery and cath after the holidays
Derrick has a cath on Wed.
Andrew and his family
All of those traveling this next week


There are no lights strung upon a tree this year
No decorations or pictures of Chritmas cheer
No shopping for first Christmas onsies or cute Christmas clothes to wear
Instead I am holding empty arms with a broken heart thinking life's not fair
No Christmas Eve candle light service the glow upon your face
All I have is your blanket and monkey to embrace
No special photos marking your first Christmas here on Earth
I do not get to share with you the special story of Christ's birth
No watching Polar Express or listening to a holiday song
Instead I am looking at your picture trying to stay strong
I can not find the special ornament that represents you
None of them are special enough I can not find one that will do
I wonder what Christmas will be like for you up there
All I can do is fall on my knees and hope that God will share this prayer
Heavenly Father, I love my son and miss him so
Will you take him to the place in heaven where there is snow?
Tell him the true meaning of Christmas and about the perfect gift
Let him know about the angels and the shepherds who were on the night shift
Tell him of Joseph and Mary who followed your every plan
Let him know I am trying to do the same though I may not understand
God tell him how your son saved this world down here
And tell him as my son I was proud that he showed no fear
Make sure you tell him how I much I love him and long to see his face
God tell him how your gift will make this happen tell him of your saving grace
Take him on Christmas morning somewhere where he can see me I will send a kiss to the Heaven's above
God will you please make sure he knows that the day here for me may seem long, but I am sending him all my love!

Monday, December 14, 2009

No title

I guess time flies when you are busy!!!! Yes I have been so very busy been wanting to write and really have had a hard time thinking how to write everything I am feeling. This is normally not ever a problem for me as I write just what is in my head raw an unedited emotions of this journey I am on. However I think the problem has been that I have to many thoughts and none the same that I do not really know what I am thinking these days or how I really feel.
So I will start with all the fun and good stuff then move to my thoughts. I think that is a good plan I hope you do not mind that the post may skip around a little bit. Sorry if it is confusing. So I guess we will start with today then go to the weekend and then how things are and my thoughts and if I am still on a roll with writing a poem at the end. I can feel the poem burning through me wanting to come out so I supposed on with it.
Today being Monday Deanna and I went and picked up the last of the blankets for the Cuddles From The Heart project. I counted them all out and have them bagged ready to load Wed. morning to head to U of M and give them out to the kids at Mott!!!! More to come on that when it happens! Keep looking here and at the website to see how it goes!! Any guesses on how many blankets we have????
Now we will talk about the weekend from Friday to Sunday as some of it ties in with other parts. Well we got blasted last week with snow. I am not a snow fan hence forth my decision to move to Kentucky after the first of the year. Well it snowed here so much that we were under a blizzard warning from Tuesday night to Thursday. I stayed in my home not leaving and finally left on Friday. Just went to the store, but it was out. The roads were clear by then thank goodness. While out I ran into the Heideman boys and so it was decided I would call on Saturday after seeing my kids and we would go sledding! More of that to come...
Saturday I seen my kids and we really did have a good time. We painted and ate doughnuts and played games! Here are some pics of my kids Saturday. I took some as we were unable to get our family pics done as Sofi was not feeling well. Hopefully we will be doing them on this Saturday. Here are the kiddos.........

Jayde my little Tater TotJonathin My Little ManJessa Nope no Nickname She is JessaAnd all three of them Jonathin, Jessa, and Jayde
Really I am so blessed with these three absolutely amazing kids! They are so cute and obviously used to me taking pictures as they all just posed so well! LOL They are my little models...And Krissy's models too!!! LOL
So after visiting with my kiddos I called to see if I could take the boys sledding. The answer was yes and off we went to the hills. In Newaygo County we have two great sledding hills. We went to both and by the time it was done we were sledding for 4 1/2 hours. I will show some pics, but I have to inform the workd that at the age of 26 there are some things I should not be doing anymore!!! Sledding may be at the top of that list!!! My body is not meant to be jostled and jumping snow jumps at all!!! OMG the ride down is alright, but the walk up are you kidding me?! No good let me tell you it is two days after I was sledding and my body is still hurting! And they wanna go again on Saturday! Oh boy! So after sledding though we went to their Grandmas and made christmas cookies, ornaments, and, reindeer food. SO here are some of my favorite pics from Saturday wth my little brothers.

This is Hunter and Dakota taking a breakGage on his way down!Logan going down with Gage looking on!The DeWard's showed up too!!! This is before our race with them which I did win just for the record. This is Nate, Micah and Noelle.Gage decorating his cookies! Lots of Sprinkles!!!Jared putting on the kisses for the cookies!
My finished cookies....I have not decorated cookies since I was a little girl now I know why I am to picky on how they look!!! All about the finished product!!!
Well after cookie making I took the boys to my house and we watched my favorite winter movie...The Polar Express!!!!! Did you know the man that wrote this book was from Grand Rapids, MI???? Yep he is a Michigander. After that movie I took Dakota and Jared home and Logan, Gage, and Hunter all stayed with me to spend the night to go with me to church on Sunday morning.
Sunday came and we all went to church. The boys all looked great all dressed up and were very well behaved. After church we went back to the boys' house and then we went to take their family pics for their Christmas card. They turned out really nice and I got a pic of me with the boys too. As soon as I an get it posted I will. I really do just love having that family around. I have little sisters that I grew up with, but not brothers. I am really quited honored and blessed that they took me in as their sister and that I get to have them be a part of my life. After pics we went back and had lunch then I cam home and took a nap. Those boys exhausted me!!! LOL They are fun though.
So there was the weekend in its entirity. So now I guess on with all th thoughts in my head.

Well lets start with this. There still is no tree in my house and I am for sure not putting pne up. I am just not that into the holidays at all. Thankful for the gift from God, but not into all the holiday hype. I am so empty feeling inside.
So I made it to church for the second week in a row. I guess it is weird to be there I am just not what I think everyone expects me to be. Not to mention I again walked out still feeling so empty. How is it that I want to be there so I go for me and no one else yet I walk out feeling no different than when I wlaked in. I do not even feel slightly changed in it?? I am starting to get discouraged. No more hiding on my blog I am going to continue going to my church, but I am also going to start checking out some other options. I really think that so much has happened there that I just have a very hard time going there and it being a good thing for me. It hurts to feel that way as my church has been a part of my life for all 26 years of it .
Also I guess it is happening that life is going on. I am not sure how I feel about this. I still wake up everyday and immediately think of Ethin and I fall asleep with his monkey and blanket and he is with me, but I am really going on with life. Not because I want to, but because I have to. Yes I have to for so many people and by going on he lives on. I just am not taking this realization very well. People do not talk about Ethin anymore and I am still not going out in public a lot, but I am going to church and even there he is not discussed much anymore. I am so lost in the world that I am not sure how to react to anything anymore.
So many things are so different and I miss him so much. I imgine if he were here now he would be sitting up and maybe even crawling. He would be wearing cute 1st Chritmas outfits. Instead I am worried about if his casket is cold should I have put him in pants and warmer clothes. Did I wrap him in his blanket tight enough? What does he look like in Heaven? Is it snowing and did he go sledding? So many things and not enough time in the day to think about it all and stay sane. I just miss him so much.
Nope no poem sorry

Please pray

Sofi Biopsy in the morning
Logan Cath on the 30th
Derrick Cath on the 21st
Deanna & I as we travel on Wed to U of M
Ricky as he fights the cancer
Delorey Family
My friend Leslie for her appt. at MSU on the 28th

I love you Ethin. I miss you so much and wish more than anything you were here. I cry so much and I know you do not want me to, but my heart really is just broke. The time is approaching that I have been dreading. What is Heaven like Punk? Are tehre lights up there for Christmas? Are you staying close to Ethan, Nathan, Gracie, Kaetlynn, and Grandpa? Hockey games are not the same this year to watch without you. We are giving out the blankets on Wednesday. You really have touched so many!!! I figure this is your Christmas gift to the world. I love you I hope you always know that. Please never forget the smiles you have put on my face. Know that I would be with you if I could and that there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you. Be good, Always smile, and send me a kiss! Love mommy

Friday, December 11, 2009

Writers Block on my Blog

Well I almost went the whole week without posting. I have lacked the ambition and words to fill this blog this past week. Not because I have nothing to say, but I am unsure how to say it all. I tried many times, but was never satisfied with what I had started to write. So I am praying that guide will guide my fingers today as I type and update you all on what is going on here and how things are going.
I am going to start with something that happened earlier this week. Earlier this week a friend pointed something out to me and so I want to clarify it.....I am going to celebrate the birth of Jesus, but I am not getting involved with all the worldly expectations of the holiday. On Christmas morning I will be very thankful for the gift that was given so long ago to this world. Had it not of been for that amazing gift I would never see Ethin again. So I am thankful for that and will always remain thankful that God gave the ultimate gift.
I remain very hermit like as the holidays approach. I debate the tree and decorating my home, but then I realize I really do not want to do it and so then I don't. I think the truth is I am afraid to do it alone. With the kids not being here I also just do not see a sense in putting it up. Maybe I shall put up my nativity scene that is my favorite decoration.
Looking forward to Saturday. Krissy is coming to take our family pictures. She is going to include Ethin in the pictures by having me bring his monkey. I can not wait. And I want to see her she and I got very close when we were all at the hospital together. She is an awesome photographer too!
Then on Sunday I will be going to church. Hoping it is as easy this week as it was last week to walk in and sit down. It is weird to me to think of my faith over all through this. Since Ethin passed away I have "felt" God more, but I do not feel as close to him does that make sense? I honestly do feel like I am a disappointment to God. I have never claimed to be a perfect Christian but I always have thought I am a work in progress. I am a child of God and with Him on my side I will figure this out......Besides He has sent some amazing people into my life to help me when I need it and to help me stand back up!
Alright well let's talk about the rest of this week. We have snow. Not just a dusting, but about a foot of it at least. We have lots of snow! I am not a snow person. I would love snow if it were not wet or cold. Like I think the perfect snow would be dry and in like 80 degree weather. Is that asking to much do you think??
OK so I am going to tell you all that I am also very worried about the ball. Worried may not quite be covering it I am STRESSED to the max! On the bright side when it gets done this year I can have a whole year to work on it again. Ugh.....Speaking of the ball I need to let anyone that sent a pic of their child for the slideshow that we are ordering them and the cost is 14.99 each for the DVD hard copy of it. If you want one you will need to mail me a check/money for it so I can get them ordered. Remember to include your return address so I can mail yours back to you My address is as follows
Jessica Twigg
513 Sunset Dr.
Newaygo, MI 49337

I will post that video on here soon. But not yet I may not show it again until after the ball when it will be premiering. It is for the Heart Ball. Thank you to all those that contributed. I never would have been able to make such an amazing video without you all. Also I am no longer accepting pictures for the video. I will begin collecting pics for the 2011 video in July or August so keep your eyes open for them.

Also Sunday at 7pm your time I would ask that you join in lighting a candle for one hour in remembrance of any child of any age for whatever reason has passed away. Here is the website you can visit to get all the details...

Well I guess that's all. I am most for sure thinking I have a writers block or something.

Brit for her biopsy report
Logan cath on December 30
Derrick cath before Christmas and Surgery before the end of January


Sunday, December 6, 2009

I Carry You in My Heart

The First Annual Ethins Heart Still Beats Heart Ball
Ethins Heart Still Beats Heart Ball
January 9, 2010
VFW Hall
9075 Mason Dr
Newaygo, MI 49337

Doors will open at 4:30pm
A welcome will happen at 5:30pm
Dinner immediately following the welcome 6pm-7pm eat dinner
7pm introduction and about the event
715pm introduction of a speaker
745 faces of CHD video
8pm a formal waltz in memory of Ethin Twigg
805pm a thank you and enjoy the rest of our evening dancing

Dinner will be donated and catered by CSK Catering dinner will be plated and served with one glass of wine. There will be other things to drink with a tip jug donation.
There will be a silent auction and dancing after the thank you

Tickets are $75 for one or $125 for two please make checks payable for the tickets to Jessica Twigg and in the memo line write Heart Ball
This is a black tie event so dig out your tuxes and formal gowns for a great cause that will help the Hearts of many!!!
All proceeds from this event will be donated to the University of Michigan Mott's Children's Hospital Congenital Heart Center in Memory of Ethin RaiLuc Twigg 1/9/09-6/27/09
R.S.V.P. to Jessica Twigg
513 Sunset Dr.
Newaygo, MI 49337

Cuddles from the Heart kicked off in Iowa on Saturday please check it out!!! Our Cuddles from the Heart is winding down as well and I am getting excited!!! You can still contact me by emailing here

Well my weekend rounded out with an amazing meal, church, and to many emotions. Oh how am I to balance it all? On with it I suppose

Saturday evening I went to the Progressive Dinner that my church does in December. It has changed through the years a bit, but the same general idea over all. So I called on Saturday though to see if I could partake in the meal and yes there was room. I may have (OK I DID) requested a certain home for my main course. We had appetizers at the church and got our papers for the rest of the night. I went to the Saxton's for my Soup/Salad course and had an amazing salad with a roll and great people. However I did break down there and had to excuse myself from the table. I so badly want to be normal, but not be normal and ruin everyone's night in doing so. Then from there I went to the TenPas' for my main course. Mmmmm.....Marilyn makes a great prime rib dinner. I ate all my dinner and then it was back to church for desserts. Wow Pam made a great turtle cheescake!!! I am sure I gained 5 punds looking at it and another 5 eating it!!! When all was said and done I did it I made it through the rest of the night without crying once!

Then this morning it was off to church. I went right in and never had a problem. Sat with my grandparents and did not cry once. It was odd walking in though and then to know we were going to have communion as well. I love my church I have been a baptized member there for 26 years and a pofessed member for almost 5 years. However communion is always a hard thing for me as I never feel "right" enough to partake. I did today though and now regret it. I guess a personal thing for me, but maybe one day I can again without it bothering me. I just never quite feel perfect enough to do it.

Kinda weird to actually realize I am closing a part of my life on my blog. I was able to help my pastors this morning and that felt nice as they were so helpful and always there when I had Ethin besides I really do just adore their kids! HAPPY BIRTHDAY NOELLE!!! Needless to say I got through church and walked out still feeling quite empty. Not that I expect to feel filled, but normally I go and walk out replenished if you will. I walk out singing and thinking. Maybe I am still just not where I was before I guess. I mean I know I am in a different place, but I just thought....Oh never mind.

Well then home it was this afternoon and thoughts of course filling my head. Everyone is asking about a tree in my house. Nope there is no tree I have one, but it is not up and I am not sure it is going up. I am not even sure I am celebrating the day at all. At least not the way everyone else will. So no more asking and no more pushing if I decide to do it I do and if I don't I don't all MY choice. I feel so expected!

Expectations I can not live up to. I think that is where it is hard for me as I enter back into a social setting. I feel the pressures of the expectations that everyone seems to have. And many peoples expectations are so different from others! UGH!!!!!

Overall the weekend was draining! Emotionally, socially, physically, and mentally draining!! But I did it! Now I shall use the week to recover!

Prayers please for Logan, Derrick, Mira, Ricky, Delorey's, Brittney, and my family we have a big week!


I Carry You in My Heart

I carry you in my heart every single day
You are with me in the morning and at night as I pray
You are with me when the sun is on my face and the moon is out at night
I carry you in my heart though you are no longer in my sight

I carry you in my heart every single place I go
You are with me through all of life's rough flow
You are with me as the snow comes down and the rain falls
I carry you in my heart as I stare at your pictures on my walls

I carry you in my heart everytime I leave our home
You are with me as I carry out my day wherever I may roam
You are with me as the leaves fall and the flowers bloom
I carry you in my heart just I carried you in my womb

I carry you in my heart and I miss carrying you in my arms
You are with me and I never will forget that smile and your charms
You are with me though you are no longer with me here
I carry you in my heart as you are forever my child dear

I carry you in my heart on the good days and the bad
You are in my heart when I am happy and when I am real sad
You are in my heart and never will you leave that place
I carry you in my heart till again I see your face

Jessica Twigg

Friday, December 4, 2009

Snow Fall

I have not posted this in a while so here is the normal stuff then I will write. Please check out the website for the Heart Ball here and leave a message. Stef and I have worked hard at putting it together and I encourage you to follow the progress of the ball here.

The First Annual Ethins Heart Still Beats Heart Ball
Ethins Heart Still Beats Heart Ball
January 9, 2010
VFW Hall
9075 Mason Dr
Newaygo, MI 49337

Doors will open at 4:30pm
A welcome will happen at 5:30pm
Dinner immediately following the welcome 6pm-7pm eat dinner
7pm introduction and about the event
715pm introduction of a speaker
745 faces of CHD video
8pm a formal waltz in memory of Ethin Twigg
805pm a thank you and enjoy the rest of our evening dancing
will be donated and catered by CSK Catering dinner will be plated and served with one glass of wine. There will be other things to drink with a tip jug donation.
There will be a silent auction and dancing after the thank you

Tickets are $75 for one or $125 for two please make checks payable for the tickets to Jessica Twigg and in the memo line write Heart Ball
This is a black tie event so dig out your tuxes and formal gowns for a great cause that will help the Hearts of many!!!
All proceeds from this event will be donated to the University of Michigan Mott's Children's Hospital Congenital Heart Center in Memory of Ethin RaiLuc Twigg 1/9/09-6/27/09
R.S.V.P. to Jessica Twigg
513 Sunset Dr.
Newaygo, MI 49337

Also the Cuddles From the Heart website as Iowa kicks off the handouts this weekend!!! And MI will be doing ours before the end of December. There will be posts here for both!!! So excited to see how every one's state turns out. I feel so blessed to have been able to head up this project in MI and look forward to our handout later this month.

Alright on to the writing......

Well I will start with we finally have snow in MI. I am not a snow person at all. Not to mention I guess that it is a hard reminder for me that Ethin is not here. There will be no first snowfall pics with him or bundling him up for his first feel of snow. I wonder does it snow in Heaven??? Not sure but I do know I needed to make him a part of Winter here.

I wrote his name in the snow. I love you Punk!!!And went to the cemetery the snow looks so pretty here too. And the flag is beautiful for Christmas for him Thank you Deanna

Well counseling twice in one week makes me feel a few things. One like I am seriously not doing well. Two like my "Coach" thinks I am not doing well. Lastly that I think it is better this way!! Yes I normally go once a week, but went twice this week and am sure that I needed it. However it is a funny thing. Knowing that there is someone there wants to help and wants to understand enough to help me through this makes it a bit easier. I think that before I always hated the thought of having to do this, but now I know it is what I need to do for me and for the J Triplets. I will get through this I can do this!

I am so overwhelmed by emotions lately and have closed myself off to the world. Well not tonight. Or this weekend at all. Tonight I did the Annual Christmas walk. Tomorrow I am going to the Progressive dinner at church and Sunday I AM going to church. I am not sure throwing myself so hard into all this is the best way, but I NEED to feel "Normal" again and I NEED to know that my life CAN go on without Ethin. It will not go on like it used to, but at least be manageable on some level.

Today at the cemetery I fell apart. I just knelt on the cold wet ground and put my arms around Ethin's headstone and sobbed. I cried so hard I forgot that it was snowy and cold out. I just sobbed. I miss him so very much. I hate that I am going to a cemetery at the age of 26 where MY child is buried. I am supposed to go to cemeteries to pay respects to grandparents NOT my son. Oh how I miss him. Such an emptiness in my life, my heart, my soul, and my arms.

With the snowfall I guess it brought me to think of things in the past year as I know the year is rounding down. What a year.....And I could not help but think how last year at this time Ethin was alive in my belly kicking and moving. I was making snow angels laughing putting my life and his in God's hands. I was preparing to sing for the Christmas Eve service Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant. There is a line in that song that says "I am frightened by the load I bear." Yes I sang that last year so afraid of the load I was also bearing at the time. Yet I was trusting that the Breath of Heaven would be My light and hold me together through it.

Thinking of last year and singing that song I am reflecting on how I am feeling this year. I am now bearing a load again. Much different than last year but a load none the less. Last year I was carrying Ethin and was so frightened. This year I am bearing my grief, guilt, and sadness for Ethin and I am frightened. Like last year I am again praying that the Breath of Heaven will be light and hold me together. God I am here and I am not tiptoeing anymore I am running I NEED you to carry me. My life is yours.

Yes I am God's child. He has not left me or forsaken me. God had a plan and this year was part of his plan for Ethin, Jessa, Jonathin, Jayde, me, and so many people that follow our family. God had and has a plan that we may never begin to comprehend, but we must have blind Faith. We must have Faith that HE will get us through it. Hope that there is life after this world where we will all walk together. Yes God catch me with your arms because I am running.

So many things to think about and so many things to do. My head is so filled with thoughts some that contradict another and some that just leave me feeling like my head may explode. However they are thoughts that I have. I am trying to get the gull to put up the tree, but have just not found it. Everyone is putting theirs up and I see them and pictures of them and I can not even get one up. Seems like a tedious and hard task one that will be full of tears and not the good kind. So at times I think I have to do a tree and other times I think I am skipping Christmas all together.I did go tot the Christmas walk tonight. The Christmas walk is something that started here a few years back and is my favorite thing at this time of year. They have a countdown and light up Newaygo, there is Santa, and Horse drawn rides through the main street that is shut down for three hours for this event. Lots of cookies, popcorn, chestnuts, and hot cocoa. Really amazing to see!! Last year I went pregnant for Ethin. This year I went empty handed and stayed with the Heideman's the whole night. They are a family that I have become very close with. I love them all so very much and am so unsure what I would do without them in my life. We had a GREAT time!!! They have 5 boys who are like little brothers to me and I love being a big sister to them. After the walk we all went out to a restaurant in Newaygo and had dinner! Of course I had my camera!!!! Tammi and I between the two of us pry took 100 pictures!!! LOL
The tree in front of City Hall in downtown Newaygo that was lit at 6pm tonight all the decorations are made by the elementary kids. The J Triplets for the 1st year ever all have an ornament they made on this tree where I could never tell you!!!All the boys AKA my brothers Dakota (Kotaman), Gage (Gagey), Jared, Hunter, and Logan on the wagon rides through main street!
Gage and I after we were done Eating. How can ya not love this face??
Look what Mountain Dew does to us??!! A little goofiness with Gage and Hunter! Told ya I actually had genuine fun!!!

Alright so there is all I have to say besides the poem at the end. Other than I have prayers and praises.
Praises that Baby Hope from my church will be one on Monday. The link to their blog is on my blog list. She was born very premature and is now just such a light of beauty. Thank you God for Hope's first year of life she is truly a blessing!!!
Prayers please
Logan will be going in for a Heart Cath on the 30th. There is a glimmer of hope that this cath may be able to hold off surgery!
Derrick's Appointment went as expected he will be having surgery before the end of January and I ask that you keep them in prayer as they prepare for this.
Ricky a heart friend of ours received his new lung and Heart at CHOP in October. Yesterday the news was given that there is Cancer in his new lung. Ricky was given 1-3 months. Please keep them in your prayers.
Mira who was born at U of M just 11 days after Ethin was placed on the transplant list. Please pray not only for Mira to receive te gift of Life, but for that donor family that will be giving it.

Blessings, Jessica

Heaven's Kiss
The snow tonight finally fell and my tears did too
I looked at it coming down and immediately thought of you
I could not help but close my eyes and put my hands in the air
Wondering if it is snowing there
Hoping that you will experience all the great things in life
Knowing you can now that you know of no strife
Every time the snow hit my face
I thought of God's amazing grace
My sweet son it's at times like this it's you I truly miss
But those flakes when they hit my face was a Heaven's kiss
So as the snow falls down this year
I will try to hold back my every tear
For when it falls and spends a second upon my face
I will remember how it felt to have you in this place
Knowing that every flake of snow on my face is a kiss from you
A Heaven's Kiss in the winter to get me through!
Jessica Twigg

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Will You Carry Me?

Well two weeks ago I felt the need to write a lot and now I feel that way again. Sorry to you all just bear with me through it. I know I do not NEED to apologize, but I know how hard it is to "keep" up on blogs so I am sorry, but I need to just get things out. Ya know try to push the world off my shoulders.
I guess in starting I want to tell you that my friend Stefanie used Ethin this week for her Heart Heroes on her page When Life Hands You A Broken Heart. For me this is just another way that Ethin is touching lives. He is my Hero. I am honored that she chose him this week and I am proud of him for touching her life in such a way that she included him on this list of Heart Heroes!

Alright well on with the mess I call my broken heart. I am watching my life spin completely out of control and for whatever reason I can not stop it. I really just feel like the world is swallowing me whole. My grief is is consuming, overwhelming, painful, and selfish. Consuming as it is really consumes who I am, Overwhelming as I am unsure how to deal with it anymore, Painful for all the obvious reasons, and selfish because no matter what I do I can not come out of it.
It is selfish, because I have 3 other amazing kids who need me and for the life of me even they can not help me come out of it. I try to focus on them and all I can think is that they do not replace Ethin they are not Ethin. They are Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde and I love them for who they are. They are each so amazingly perfect in their own way yet I must be a bad parent or something as not even my love for them or the fact that I know they need me as much as they do is helping me.
How is it that even at this point I am worried about me. I went to counseling tonight like I do every Tuesday night. I am the last patient as to avoid all other people. Being around to many people sober is a task that I can not handle. However if you are a people watcher I suppose it may be interesting to see. By the time I get out of the lobby and into the office all my nails are gone. Well tonight by the time I was done I will be going back on Friday. Yep I will see my "coach" twice this week and pry twice a week for a while. Hot DOG!!!
I miss me. I miss who I was. I miss the me that enjoyed being around. I can barely tolerate myself these days. Most days I do not even tolerate myself. Trying to find a level ground through this is next to impossible. Even knowing what I know now I would never have changed my decision to have Ethin. That sounds so crazy.
Having Ethin was the most amazing thing in the world to me. I remember at this time last year I was preparing to have him. I was feeling him kick inside of me and move. I was star watching with him and telling him about the world and winter and holidays. Now I am talking to myself about how I wish all this was not happening.
I want the world to stop with me. I want the world to just stop. Did the world not realize that my son died. My son is dead he is gone and he's not coming back. Ethin is not alive yet I am expected to keep living?! How is this fair or doable? I just want to scream at people specially right now when everyone is so cheery..."DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT MY BABY DIED!!! DO YOU NOT KNOW I DO NOT GET TO CELEBRATE HIS FIRST CHRISTMAS!!!!" Yep that is what I want to scream.

Dear God I have so many questions and they burn
I am really trying to see what is you want me to learn
My eyes are open but my heart is broken
So many words you have left unspoken
Please show me the way
Father I need you to carry me day to day
Help me to figure this out and understand
I'm reaching out take my hand
You're there I know you are
Otherwise I would not be this far
God are you listening to me can you hear?
Sometimes I feel like what your saying is not clear
I've read your words I know you have a master plan
I want to do this and with you I know I can
Right now I am hurting and I'm coming to you on bended knee
The pain I feel can you help me past it help me see?
I miss you in my life and the conversations we used to share
My hurt is to much now it's more than I can bare
Lord I am coming to you for I know you are the way
God please continue to carry me through the day.
Jessica Twigg

Please pray for Logan, Derrick, and Brittney

Blessings, Jessica

Sunday, November 29, 2009

I Did It!!!! Turkey Day on a Sunday???!!! Semi-Thankful too does that count?

First of all I need to update the Cuddles From the Heart for MI. We will be taking these blankets to U of M December 14th so I need all blankets within the next week. After I have them I will be taking them down and giving them to the hospital with Deanna Traxler a friend of mine, Sgt. James from QFAD/Heroes and Patricia Pierce. So get me your new store bought or homemade blankets to me within the next week. I also would encourage you to visit the Cuddles from the Heart blog with the link on the right hand side of my blog to see the other states give outs as I know Iowa's is going to be on Saturday.

Alright so I did it I had dinner a turkey one. It started yesterday at a Heart Family's house the Goodfellows. Monica made a great dinner and I was not alone in missing my child while I was there. When I got there Monica said that Faith and Ethin were saying Happy Thanksgiving as she had cut a potatoe and it ended up shaped like a heart. Faith is their daughter that had HLHS and earned her wings in January of 2006. Also there was another family there that lost their 14 year old daughter this past summer to cancer. We all talked about our Angels and no one was mad about it. All their names were mentioned...Hannah, Faith, and Ethin. They were all talked about and missed so much as we all sat together. I am thankful for my Heart Family!!!!

Well today I did dinner here however the prepping started last night. I think Ethin sent me a sign to tell me it would be OK and that he wanted me to enjoy Thanksgiving. Here is Ethin's sign an egg that I cut shaped like a heart!!

What are the chances? There are no coincedences this has to be Ethin!

Anyhow the rest of dinner was made today and it was served to 11 people that I have grown to love as my family. My friend Leslie came over to help and between her and I we did it all....Relish Tray, Veggie Tray, Apple Rings, Sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, corn, carrote, rolls, stuffing, gravy, cranberry sauce, cherry cheesecake, pumpkin pie, apple pie, baked beans, Green bean casserole, deviled eggs, and baked beans....Here is the table with all the food that would fit on it!!! I had to leave some on the counters my table is not that big! LOL
So Lelie and I did it all except for the Turkey which my friend Tom came over and deep fried!! Oh it was late to the table, but it was good!!! Looks a bit delapitated, but it was great!!!!
And everyone ate I ate way to much this is my food minus the pumpkin pie that I ate!!! LOL Needless to say I am still full!!!
So dinner went well I am full and feeling drained. But I did it. I had Thanksgiving dinner without my sweet boy. I miss him so much and so badly wish he was here and can not help but think how different things would be if he were here. I am so thankful thought that I had Ethin and can not imagine my life if he never would have existed. I found this quote on Ashley's blog and want to share it is how I feel... "Most people only dream of Angels, I held one in my arms." So yes I am thankful for Ethin.
I wanted to share my Turkey day with you all, but I need to share other things to. I am thankful for Jessa who turned 8 today read the previous blog I wrote for her. I am also thankful for Jonathin and Jayde. My life would truly be a total waste if it were not for my children. My kiddos give me life. Though I love them all so very much and differently from another they do not fill the hole in my heart that I have for Ethin. All FOUR of my children make me thankful. I love them. I love that I have the Jtriplets here with me and my heart just aches for Ethin.
Yep I did it today and I am thankful, but now as the house is finally quiet and I sit here all alone to type this blog I am reminded of just how much I wish it was not quiet. I look up and Ethin's pictures are staring at me with those wide eyes. I look beside me and his monky is staring at me. I am thankful yes, but I am hurting is that allowed? I was not supposed to spend Thanksgiving trying so hard to find the things to be thankful for. But I am and I did not get to eat my meal with a baby in my arms. I miss my sweet boy so much.
Oh missing Ethin and him being in Heaven rather than here is so hard. I really have lately began to watch my life spin out of control. The worst part is I know if he was here it would all be so different. But He is not and no matter how hard I try to beat that into my head I can not accept it. I am to be thankful at this time of year and parts of me are, but other parts are so not. And parts if me accept all of this and other parts do not. I have found that again there have been times I "check" out. I am crazy!!!!
As I continue to try and find ways to get through all of this. I also found this quote and I guess I find it to hold true.
"A man who has lost his wife is called a widower.
A child without parents is called an orphan.
But what of a woman whose child has passed?
What am I to be called??? Once a mother of four? Once a Heart Mother??"

Yes what do you call me??? At the schools I am known as Jessa, Jonathin, or Jayde's mom. On the soccer field I am coach. In my home I am mom, but to the world I am a woman who lost her baby. I am once a heart mom. I am one the mother of four. I am the mother that can not pull herself together not even for her other children. I am a woman who is hurting deeply and everyone knows and everyone can tell. I am the woman that people are angry with becasue I can not just get over it. Yes I want to know what am I to be called??

What did I do to deserve all this
Tell me what did I do to never again give him a kiss
Why a punishment so extra hard
God you gave him to me and I was his guard
I watched over him just as you requested
Lord I gave him everything I could I was totally vested
You asked of me a job that would be very tough
How is it that what I gave was not enough?
Before he came crashing down to me I was already preparing
Father becasue of my warrior it was your story I was sharing
Yet some where I must have done something wrong
Becasue pain and hurt is now my broken heart song
So why me what did I do to have you take him away?
Lord tell me did you not hear my prayers and all I had to say?
Now as I cry these tears through this time of year I wonder
God do you see the storm and all of its thunder?
My punk is gone and you took him away from me
And worst of all is the pain that you knew would always be
You see I know we share something in all of this
However when your son died he came to you and his face you can kiss
So you knew the pain I would endure
You took my son rather than give him a cure
You left me standing here with empty arms walking all alone
God you are watching from your heavenly throne
Give him back I need him here with me
God I have come to you on my dirty knees
Please I beg you to take the pain that is in my heart
Show me a way to do this God just help put back the parts
Please wipe these tears as they fall from face
Know that Ethin wasn't soupposed to leave this place
Oh how I need him I know you see my pain
God give him back my loss should never have been your gain!
I know that there is no use in begging any more
Just please Father catch me I am hitting the floor
Since you have him there with you can you do some things for me?
Tell him how I love him and his face I long to see
God he likes to sleep on his belly against my chest
Make sure he knows that because of him I truly feel blessed
He likes to dance he loves to be held for a waltz
Make sure you tell him how perfect he is that he has no faults
God make sure you let him watch his sports and teach him to cheer
Please keep him safe never let him feel fear
Remeber he is punk so many times he will do things his way
Make sure he remembers at bedtime to always pray
God let him listen in from time to time he loved to hear me sing
Oh and teach him to find beauty in every little thing
Teach him the things that I did not get to do
You need to make sure that he has manners saying please and thank-you
Make sure he looks both ways before he crosses the street
And God please tell him when he left he took a part of my heart and his is now complete.
Jessica Twigg

Please pray for Logan and Derrick as they both have appointments this week! And I almost forgot Happy Thanksgiving to my little Iowa Heart buddies! Andrew and Logan this is for you I love you guys!!!!!!

P.S. Logan can you still talk to Elmo for me? I still need those directions!


Saturday, November 28, 2009

8 Years Ago

November 29, 2001 I gave birth to my first child a girl. I named her Jessa Danyelle. This post is for her.

When I found out I was pregnant for you I was so scared. I was young and had just dropped out of high school. Then the first time I heard your heart beat inside of me I just knew that being a mother was the only thing I wanted in the world. That and I had to go back and graduate high school so I could tell you that you had to finish too. If it were not for you I am sure I would not have ever graduated. You were my driving force.

3 months into my senior I gave birth to you. There you were born at 12:01pm on November 29, 2001. You weighed 8lbs 13oz and were 21 1/2 inches long. They placed you on my chest and at that very moment I will never forget the way that unselfish and unconditional love rushed into my heart. I had tears that flowed down my cheeks as I looked at your face, counted your fingers and your toes. You were perfect in every way.

Jessa you are my first you made me a mom. Everything I would experience as an every day mom I did with you. You were my first baby to feed, change diapers, bathe, hold, and love. I really never knew life could be filled with so much. I graduated high school with honors when you were 6 1/2 months old. Leaving you to finish school was hard, but I had to do it for you.
Since that time those so many years ago so much has changed.

In the past 8 years I have watched you crawl, walk, and run. You were a happy baby and you are a happy little girl. You are much like me that you wear your heart on your sleeve. And you look more like me every day. You went from having little hair to a very full thick head of hair. You are also my very sporty girl. I have watched you go from dance and gymnastics to soccer and cheer leading. I have been fortunate enough to coach your soccer teams and cheer squad.

Jessa you really never cease to amaze me. You have a heart of gold and you are so polite and kind to everyone who crosses your path. Your love for God is the one thing that I hope you cling tight to your whole life. Your willingness to help others at your age is wonderful. I love that your heart is so kind. You are wise beyond your 8 years and you truly have always had an edge on learning.

When I had you my dreams for you were HUGE and they still are. Jessa I hope that you always do your best and never give up on anything. You have the ability to put the world at awe with your heart. I dream of you doing many things, but most importantly that you continue to love with your whole heart and you continue to use your heart in everything that you do. My hopes for you are high, because I know that you are capable of anything you set your mind to. You are going to great things.

Jessa 8 years ago I never imagined being a mother, but I can tell you I could not imagine my life without you and without you giving me the opportunity to be a mother. Continue to set a great example for your little sister and brother. You are a good big sister and they love you and look up to you so very much. I am very proud of you and very proud to be your mommy!

So happy birthday Jessa with all my heart and all my love, Mommy

Some pics of Jessa in very random order Please Enjoy!!

Jessa Potter

GO NEWAYGO!!! Homecoming 2008

This past summer at the fair in Owosso

Hay Ride at Cran Hill Ranch summer of 2009

Jessa holding her baby brother Ethin
At the Zoo summer of 2009 feeding the birds

After swimming in the Lake at Uncle Izzy and Aunt Jessica's Summer of 2009

Cheerleading with confidence!! LOL
Jessa on September 20, 2009 before the QFAD/Heroes golf outing

Me and Jessa at Dave and Busters during our QFAD weekend

Jessa and I today

Jessa with her 2 of her 3 siblings

Jessa being a loving big sister from the start

Jessa and I in 2006

I love you Jessa

Jessa and I fall of 2008

Jessa Spring of 2009

Spring 2009

One of my fave pics Jessa spring 2009

Fall 2008

First Soccer season!!!!

At the museum when she was in Kindergarten

Jessa Summer of 2006

2nd Christmas