Monday, May 31, 2010

A Marvelous Memorial Meet Me Monday

Let's start with the Marvelous Monday part....A blog friend Rachel started this after she lost her triplets as a way to find something positive in the day.  Marvelous Mondays are all about being thankful for something anything!

So today I am thankful for my sister, cousin, and friends that are in the military!
My cousin Nathan Active Duty Army, My sister Krista Honorable Discharge Army.

My friend Jimmy active Duty Army
I am thankful for my grandpa who was a WWII veteran in the Army.  On Memorial Day we should be thankful for our Civil Service personnel and I am very thankful for the cops, firefighters, and EMS personnel that give so much up for us.  Yes I am thankful for all those that serve this country here or across seas.  

Meet Me Monday
I started Meet Me Mondays as a way to get away from blogging about my grief all the time and since I had already opened up myself to most of my personal feelings I thought it would be nice for people to get to know me.  So here we are on Meet Me Mondays....If you have a question email it to me at or leave it as a comment and I will answer it!
What is your Favorite thing to do in the Summer time?
This is an easy question...Matter of fact I just got home from doing it this weekend already!  I LOVE to camp!  I do the whole tent thing with an air mattress of course, but I love camping.  I spent most of my summer last year in the tent by myself and with the J Triplets.  They also like to camp.  Jessa was 9 months old the first time I ever took her camping.  I would seriously live in my tent all summer if I could!

What's your Favorite Holiday?
My favorite holiday is the 4th of July.  I love fireworks, grilling, and normally I camp through that week.  In Michigan there is a place here called Grand Haven and they have musical water fountains and I like to go there and watch.  I also enjoy the parades that surround the 4th.  It is also a holiday that does not require anything besides just relaxing and enjoying it.

I had a good weekend with some great friends.  It started Friday night with a double header in softball we lost both games, but we had fun playing.  From there I went to the campground and just camped all weekend coming home today.  Sadly my weekend ended with some bad news.  Saturday one of the board members from EHSB was T-Boned by another vehicle who was on his cell phone and ran a stop sign.  Thankfully they are all alive.  Please pray for them all though as they have bumps and bruises and her son has over 100 stitches between his face and head and a broken nose.  So for the last month I have been DJ'ing and hosting karaoke at a local Pub.  Last night the owner who is one of my bosses there died in a car accident.  I guess somehow I just can not grasp how much death has surrounded my life in the last year and a half.  I also feel like my summer is already starting out on a bad note.  Last year it started out awful.....My prayer is that it will not be that way this year.


Thursday, May 27, 2010

4,000 A Year

Well life sure has not slown down nor has it gotten any easier.  Different for sure, but not easier!  The girls have two weeks of soccer left and Jonathin has 4 weeks of baseball left.  I suppose things will wind down after that, but I have softball for 9 more weeks maybe more.  Sports is apparently the thing in my home!  Not complaining at all I have much enjoyed coaching and I love playing.....Besides I am getting more in shape, losing more weight, and getting a great tan!!!
So in Newaygo AYSO (Soccer) we have a huge fundraising event for the soccer organization.  Coaches get pies in the face, dunked and then there is the all great coach vs. referee game.  I got pied, dunked, and beat around on the field!  Here are a few pics from the day
Yeppers I was dunked by my players, past players and kids I never even coached!

All the refs and coaches that played! What a physical game that turned out to be!!  Now I know why I coach!
So what else is new in the Twigg home??  Well this little thing has kept us busy...My room mate got her 2 weeks ago and she is a lot of fun.

This is Aidyn or on her papers it says "Chloe's Sweet Ball of Little Fire"  What a  name huh??  Well I helped with that part Aidyn means Little Fire so I just put it all together.  She is a Golden Retriever.

My kitten Zumaya (Like the Baseball Pitcher for the Tiger's) is keeping me up and I have to make sure she does not get outside right now if you know what I mean!
Moving is still in progress....My bed and dressers are here, but that is about it.  However all of Tami's things have safely arrived even this....
This is Gary!  LOL Moving was entertaining to say the least!
In other news Ethin's Heart Still Beats signed all of our paperwork for our nonprofit organization status 2 weeks ago and we are now waiting to hear from the state, but I think we are going to be just fine!  Last Friday we went to the school and presented the basketball team with a plaque and they presented us with a check from the basketball game!  Here is a pic from that day!
The whole basketball team, principals, superintendant, and EHSB Board!  Thanks Boys!!

I suppose the real reason I got on tonight to blog was to just maybe let out some pent up feelings I am having.  It has been 11 month ago today that I was forced to say goodbye to my sweet Ethin.  Oh how much I am missing him.  Hard to believe that this was the day he met his favorite police officers..
Ethin 1 year ago today sleeping in the hands of Ann Arbor's police chief.
Hard to believe that a year ago today my sweet boy was smiling like this and today he is not here it has been 11 months to the day that this was him and he is not here.  
Life seems cruelly unfair.  Somehow I still can not believe that today starts my last month of the first year without MY little punk, MY son, MY warrior, MY baby!  Why did this happen to me why does this happen to so many families?  4,000 in a year will know how I feel, 4,000 in a year will say goodbye to their heart warriors, 4,000 in a year will cry a sream of tears.  That is just way to many!

Monday, May 24, 2010

A Marvelous Meet Me Monday

I know I am barely getting this posted in time to be considered Monday, but better late than never right?
I have had people tell me that they want me to keep doing this, but I NEED more questions so please email me your questions to

What is your favorite thing to do?
I LOVE horseback riding.  For me there is nothing better than getting on a horse and just becoming one with the horse nd riding freely.  I enjoy many things though.  I clearly love to coach and play sports, but anything with my kids is a great way to spend my time.  Oh and I love to sing and dance.  I am versatile so I like many things, but if you give me a horse you will find a true passion of mine!  I guess it's true you can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl! (I live in a small "country"/"Hick" town!)

What is the best piece of advice you will give your children as they grow up?
Love God first and everything else will be as it should be.  If you always put God first in everything you do there are an abundant of rewards.  After that it will be to Live everyday as a gift, Laugh as often as you can it really is the best medicine, and Love with all your heart.  I could write a whole blog on the advice I would give my kids!  LOL  As their mom I hope that I do get to give them a lot of advice I hope that they will come to me for it!

What's your favorite color?
Sometimes it's really nice to have a basic question!!!  I love pink!!!  Not sure why pink, but I do any shade of pink will do!  I used to hate the color pink so why I love it so much now is still a mystery to me.  LOL

Marvelous Mondays

So the point of Marvelous Mondays is to be thankful for something anything you want.  Today on her blog she was thankful for music and I am going to share in her thankfulness as I am also very thankful for music.  There have been times where I can not find the words to relate to, but then I will hear a song and I immediately know that God knew I needed to hear it.  I love that music connects my soul and heart and body. Music allows a freedom for me.  So as requested Rachel here is one of my favorite songs....I love this song as it is a gentle reminder for me that there will be day with no more sadness, fears, hurt, emptiness, or pain.  There will be day when I will get to see Ethin again and I will meet my savior face to face!

I will blog later this week.....

Monday, May 17, 2010

I am Hurting

I guess this is a post long time coming....Sorry no Meet Me Monday again I am really slacking huh?  For one I need more questions you can email them to me at   
So life here is busy and never seems to slow down.  It is at times chaotic and hectic, but I have created it and allowed it to become this way.  You see it is easier for me to go with things if I do not have time to really allow how I feel to show through.  It really is not that I want to hide it, but I just am not sure what is truly acceptable and what is not.  
I think Mother's Day really sent me off on the spin of not wanting to blog until I could try and make sense of my head.  The truth is there is no sense to be made just a reality that I know at times is hard for so many to read.  However the reality you read is the reality I live and let me tell you I HATE living it and so I understand if you have a hard time reading it.  That being said I guess is my public warning that this update will contain sensitive matters and may be hard to read.  
Mother's Day was awful.  Awful does not really describe it.  All I could think about was that I did not have Ethin this year he was gone.  I did not have the J Triplets as nothing worked in my favor.  It truly was an awful day.  I thought about how last year on Mother's Day there we all were in the PCTU (POD A) at U of M and Ethin was on the CPAP and in my arms while the J Triplets were sitting on hospital blankets on the floor and we all watched Bolt together.  I thought about how my first Mother's Day as the mommy to 4 children was spent as a family all of us together.  I even got my wish that day and got a snapshot of all 4 of my babies with me.
Not the best pic, but I only have 2 of me with all of them.
 So now this year what could I have wanted?  Well what I wanted I can not have.  I want ALL of my children.  However we know this is not going to be happening.  I woke up so angry on Mother's Day I did not go to church I just could not find the strength to do it.  I felt guilty later, but honestly I really did not want to get up at all.  I spent the day with a few friends and right before we were all going out to breakfast at noon it hit me.  
This was my first of a lifetime more to come Mother's Day without Ethin.  This was the first of so many that I felt like only a partial mom.  Like I am not really a real mom to him anymore.  Needless to say I broke down and just balled my eyes out for about 3 minutes.  I gathered myself apologized to the other moms around me as I felt like my "down" moment ruined their day.  They assured me it had not and it was OK how I felt, but I still felt awful.  The rest of the day went unscathed as I made it my mission to not break down again in front of any other mother.  
It was not until that night that I soaked my pillows and cried myself to sleep.  My heart hurt so bad.  I did not even go to the cemetery on Mother's Day and I felt guilty.  Since last Sunday everything has been hard for me to think about and deal with.  I have cried myself to sleep a handful of times in the last week and a half now as I am really just reliving my last 5 1/2 weeks of Ethin's life.  
I feel like the world's WORST mom.  I can't smell Ethin anymore.  I can not remember what his little cry sounded like.  I for the life of me can not remember what it felt like to have him against my chest as we fell asleep.  How in the world did I let it get to this?  How am I forgetting my son?  What kind of mother am I that I can not remember these little things?  I honestly can not remember what his little cooing laugh sounded like.  
I am feel awful that I have been so selfish in making sure that I stay so busy that I do not have to grieve that the reality is I have started to forget my little boy.  I have filled my life up with stupid things where he should be.  I should not be playing softball I should be administering meds.  I should not be coaching I should be on the sidelines applying his sunscreen watching as long as the sun is not on him for to long.  I should not be going back to work I should be with him, because he NEEDS me.  That right there is not true.....He doesn't need me anymore.  As much as I need him the truth is I have filled my life to try and prove that I don't.  Prove that I am OK and moving on.  Prove that I can be "Normal" again.
I am truly in the home stretch of rounding out this first awful year.  I am in the home stretch of living through the first year.  I can not believe that it's coming up.  I even though I prayed that I God would save me the pain and misery have almost done it.  I still try to bargain with God all the time.  I have in my head figured out so many ways that I could have saved him.  I have thought of ways that I could trade places with him.  Nothing works Ethin is gone and that will reamin the way it is for me as long as I am on this Earth.
I have more so lately thought many times about my dreams, hopes, and plans for him.  I always wonder what if?  What if he was here what would he look like?  Would he be walking and would I have heard him say my name?  So many questions that I will NEVER know, how is that fair?  How is it fair that I had to bury my son when there are people out there killing their children?  Why did God choose my son when there are people out there that do not want their babies?  I WANTED Ethin.  I prayed for Ethin and God knew how much I wanted him why did my son have to be the one that did not leave that hospital alive?
Yes things here are hectic and busy and chaotic, but the most chaotic thing right now is my very empty heart that misses Ethin everyday, but on the outside ask anyone I am doing "good".  

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Vote for Jessa

Well it has been really busy here and honestly I am still trying to recover and get a hold of myself after this weekend!  Sorry there was no Meet Me Monday blog, but I was just not feeling it....However I do need questions you can email them to me or post it as a comment here. 

Also here is a contest Jessa is in please go to the following facebook page and like the page then go tot the 3-8 year olds and type the word vote in under her picture!!!!/pages/Newaygo-County-Michigan/nikkilorenphotography/124653914221?ref=mf

Friday, May 7, 2010

Kids say the Darndest Things

Being a mom is simply so rewarding.  I an not help but thank God every day I wake up and know that I have my J Triplets here and that one day Ethin will be in my arms again too.  I love being a mom and really can not think of anything else I would rather be.  I asked all my kids yesterday what made me a mom and their answers were all so different! I also asked them what their favorite thing to do with me was.  Kids say the darndest things!

Here is Jayde's answers:
Her answers are hard to read You are my mom because you kiss my owies away and make them better.  And the other one says this....My favorite thing? Mom I like everything we do it's all my favorite.
And here are Jonathin's:

And finally Jessa's:

That's all for today just wanted to share this.  I asked them last night at practice which may have been the gear fro Jessa's answer.  No matter what though I love them!  My kids are my world!

Jessa, Jonathin, Jayde, and Ethin; Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. When you were born, I saw your face and knew I was in love. Before you were an hour old, I knew I would die for you. To this day, I will. I love you all more than anything!


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Never Slowing Down

Well when I thought I could not get busier I did!!  I like being busy though it allows me to not focus on all the grief I still have that is bottled up inside my pretty little head.  Not that dealing with grief is a bad thing I am sure that it is necessary, but I am just not quite ready for it all yet.
So I start softball this week Friday.  I will be playing softball Tuesdays and Fridays.  This is a great thing for me i enjoy being active.  I will still coach soccer too so there is a little less free time every day.  I also will be starting a job tomorrow!!!  The job market is awful so I will take what I can get.  I am applying for a job with my church too, but who knows.  I am slowly starting to feel a little more human and "norma" every day with getting back into all the things I used to do!  Not that I guess I want to be Normal whatever that may entail, but I am getting on the right track.
So Mother's Day is Sunday......I guess I am just not looking forward to this day at all.  For a multitude of reasons this is just not a day I care to celebrate.  I think first and foremost is that I will not have one of my children even on Earth for the day and I am not going to be able to be with the J Triplets.  Also it is a day to celebrate your own mother and well I do not have one of those either....I guess that is by choice, but really it is going to be a reminder of what I do not have and I KNOW I do HAVE Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde.  So please I need no reminding, but like I have said before those three do not replace the one I do not have nor are they interchangeable for another.
I think that still amazes me through this journey is how quick so many are to still poin out the negatives in the things that I do or say.  I can say I miss Ethin and people will say but you still have three kids that need you.  This to me is such a ridiculous statement.  I am very aware that I still have three children, but the fact is I simply do not have one of them and that is hard for me still.  I love that God has blessed my life with my children, but it does not take away any pain that I feel.
I also know that I am still a mom, but it is still a hard question for me when people ask me how many kids I have.  I say 4, but then when they ask further into I have to tell them the hard truth that I only have three living children and that is heart wrenching for me and them.  Not to mention it brings all the sorries.
I know people are sorry and I never know what to say when someone says they are sorry.  Instinctively I want to say, "It's OK" but I can not say that, because it's not.  So normally I say, "Yeah me too."  However that makes me feel like I am sorry for myself.  But the truth is I am sorry.  I am sorry that Ethin is not here and I am sorry that the world did not get to meet him in person.  I am sorry that because I lost my son a part of me is gone too.
And there is another thing I do not like saying I lost him like I do not know where he is.  What am I supposed to say?  Saying he passed makes me feel like we all should be waving at him in a parade.  And saying he died or he's dead is so morbid sounding no matter how true it is it just never feels right to say it.
Mother's Day in this small town that I live in also brings the annual flower sale.  I have always enjoyed going to it as it is a great sale for our local First Responders.  I also support it as it is something I used to do, but this year is different.  I am not going to get flowers to plant in my yard to make it pretty.  I am going to try and locate flowers for my sons gravesite.  Yes at 26 this is something I have to do.  Pick out flowers for the year.  Somewhere along the lines of dreaming out my life this was just never a part of what I though I would be doing ever in my life.
So ultimately my friend said it best and I agree, "I like Mother's and I like days, but I am not looking forward to Sunday."  I agree I can appreciate mothers and days but not the day itself.
I am a lot of things and I have lots of things I am called: coach, sister, friend, niece, daughter, but the greatest thing I am called is mom.  Here is a picture I made and it is very true.  Of all the things I am in this life being their mom is the best thing I am!  I am a better person and woman, because of all 4 my children.  They have all made my life a better place to be!  So I may not celebrate Mother's Day and I am OK with that I am a mom 365 days a year and sometimes 366.  I do not need a special day everyday is special because I have them.  Besides it is society and the way we celebrate that makes me dread the day!  I think Sunday will be just another day that I will smile through because I have the best kids ever!  It's not Mother's Day it is I am thankful for my kids day!  I am thankful they let me be their mom and that God gave them to me!


Monday, May 3, 2010

Meet Me Mondays

What's Your Favorite Sport?
Well I am not sure...I like them all in different ways ya know?  They all have some great moments.  My favorite sport to coach hands down so far is soccer.  I never played soccer and now I can play and I coach it every fall and spring.  I played basketball, Volleyball, softball, and did cheerleading growing up.  Now I play softball and volleyball.  I love to watch the Tigers play baseball. And the Red Wings are a great hockey team!  So I guess I never did answer the question, because I just do not think I have a favorite I really do just love sports all of them!  Oh wait I do not like golf!  LOL

What did you want to be when you were growing up?
When I was growing up all I wanted to do was be a firefighter and EMT.  Well mission accomplished!  I am by trade an EMT and I was a firefighter for years.  However I am sure that I am not done growing up so I still have plenty more things to do and that I want to do.  Besides my friend said it best when a little boy told him he wanted to be a firefighter when he grew up Jason said this to him, "Well you can't do both."  LOL 

In need of Meet Me Monday Questions...please email them to me at