Sunday, June 27, 2010

365 Days Later

The first year is over...The first year of every first day without my son is finally over.  A part of me feels beaten down and another part relieved.  I feel beated down in the fact that a seriously have went 365 days without my son and relieved that I survived 365 days without my son.  Blogging may now get back to a normal flow as I really have just not been in the mood to share how I was feeling or what I was going through as today was fast approaching on me and inevidably it was going to happen. 
So let me say I really never thought I would survive this first year.  However not only did I survive it, but I think I might have even started to live again.  For most of the first year I am sure I merely existed in a world that just never stopped and I did everything I could to just try to keep my feet on the floor.  I at times felt like my feet were slipping out from under me.  I was at times hard to get through to and I had many sleepless nights and to many tears to count. 
I was very unsure when this started a year ago if I would be here a year later.  I had many weak moments and many times thought about disappearing to the blog and CHD world.  However I opened my life to so many of you and truly felt it was the right thing to do to allow you to follow if you so decided.  Also some where through this I felt that maybe part of God's purpose in this would be to help other grieving mothers.  And to be honest I am very thankful that I had all of you to help me through this past year.  God carried me through and you all were a part of it.  Your words of encouragement and your support and prayers truly sustained me more than once. So to all of you Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
The rest of this post is going to be my reflections on the last year in a letter to Ethin.  I figure sharing it here is my way of sharing him and sharing it with him.
Dear Ethin,
  My sweet punk my angel I have missed you so much and this I am sure will not change.  No I promise you that it will not change I am sure that I will miss you every day that I am alive.  I never imagined that I could do this without you and I haven't.  Son you have been with me every second of every day.  Your strength and fight on this Earth gave me Hope and Courage to get through all of this. 
  I will never forget the day you were born and that cry that I heard.  There are moments in life that I think always remain a part of your daily thoughts and you my son are many moments that are part of my every day.  I truly never imagined all that your life would mean to me and so many others.  I am so proud of all that you are and ever will be.
  I would be lying if I told you that this has been easy.  It has not been easy it has truly been the hardest thing I have ever done learning to live without you.  It has been hard and is still hard to accept that you are not here with me.  At times the only comfort I could find in doing this was knowing that you are in a far better place with our Savior.  I used to think that there was no better place for you than with me, but that was selfish thinking and I am sorry for that. 
  I still love to relish in the memory of your sweet smile and your vibrant eyes.  I do still cry for you often, but that is part of being on Earth.  This Earth is filled with painful things and losing you was painful and still is painful. 
  Ethin I truly believe to this day that you were a very special gift from God sent to change my life and this world.  Let me tell you that I am proud of the fact that I know you have done both of these things.  Your life though it was not as long as I wanted was just the right length to make an impact larger than I will ever do in my lifetime.  You have touched so many lives and so many people and you continue to do that every day. 
  Loving you so much has always been easy, but missing you has not.  Some nights I still think that maybe when I wake up that this will all be a bad nightmare and you will be here.  I have thought over and over in my head of ways to bring you back, but it is not going to happen.  One day many years from now for me and seconds to you though I know that we will spend forever together in Heaven. 
  In the last year since you have been gone so many things have happened.  There has been a balloon release, a ball, an organization started in your memory and honor, proclamations and resolutions, a basketball game, and most importantly there has been a never ending love for you and the life that you lived.  You fought so hard and so many love you and think of you often.
  I want you to know that I am sorry.  I am sorry if I ever did anything that has disappointed you.  I am also sorry that I could not take your pain away or trade places with you.  Know that I would have in a heart beat if I could have.  I would have done anything for you.  As your mother it at times is hard not to feel responsible for what you went through, but I really just wanted to make sure I did everything in my power to give you a chance at life.  As your mother I am a selfish person that truly just would have done anything to make sure that you would always be physically with me.
  My plans for you certainly changed a year ago when I had to tell you goodbye.  I thought that I would see you play in the rain, but now when it rains I like to feel the drops run off my face as it feels like maybe that is your way of telling me it's OK to cry when I miss you.  Instead of allowing the wind to brush your face I feel you in the wind as though you are whispering I love you mommy.  Instead of looking at the stars with you I feel like maybe you are up there in the stars.  I truly believed you and "D" would learn to walk and talk at the same time.  Well I am sure the two of you talk and I find comfort in thinking that maybe you were there holding his hand as he took that first step.  Yes you still a part of the plans, but in a different way. 
  I may not be able to ever fully understand all that has happened and why, but I do know that you are always my son and I will always love you.  Wishing for another day with you is easy, but I know it would never be enough.  So until I get to where you are make sure to look both ways up there before crossing Heaven's street, find a good place fo us to play, smile every chance that you get, smell all the flowers, and know that I love you and always will.

You are the sun that warms my face
The wind is your gentle embrace
You are the first star I see at night
The reason I still get up and fight
You are the beat of my heart
The courage I have to not fall apart
You are the whisper in the day
The reason I can not lose my way
You are the rain that falls in the spring
The hope that floats on an angel's wing
You are everything I ever hope to be
The best part of everything in me.
Jessica Twigg


Thursday, June 24, 2010

A Song

I still can not believe that you are not here that your life on Earth is done
Hard to imagine you left this place and I have survived year one
I often think of you and smile when I think of where you are
At night I look to Heaven and know you are the brightest star
Never a day has gone by since you left this place that I do not speak your name
In the last year I have had to realize that I am different no longer the same
Many said it would get better it would get easier but that is just not true
It numbed and then it got harder learning to live again without you
Most days I have guilt for learning how to smile through the hurt of every day
Then I thought of you and all the pain you endured and smiling was your way
Often I wonder if you think of me as often as I think of you
Then I think of Heaven and know that there is no missing so this can not be true
I miss how it feels to hold you in my arms and watch you fall asleep
It still makes me cry when I think of how you were God's gift to me that I couldn't keep
They say sometimes a life is sent but does not need to stay very long
For God's plan never fails every life no matter the length has a special song
Your song my son is still heard your heart beat keeps the time of your melody
Your heart beats in so many I promise that will never change it always will be
I hope you always know that I am very proud of you and all that you have done
Forever know that I am honored that God gave you to me to be my son
I will never lie and tell you that this has been easy honestly it's been the hardest thing
Sometimes God's song is the hardest to accept the hardest one to sing
Your heart and mine are beating together as part of God's ultimate plan
Son you are in me as I am in you together with God I will sing this song the best that I can
Jessica Twigg

I also wanted to share this song that I heard earlier this week it really describes how I felt when Ethin was here and maybe how I feel now at times and how I am sure many of us who have watched our children and babies struggle have felt or feel.....

With so much love and thanks as I approach Sunday,

P.S.  Yes I am still in grief counseling I am ALLOWED to feel this I am ALLOWED to have a bad day and I am sorry that I hurt I wish I didn't....

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Creeping Up

My sweet Ethin 1 year ago today June 21, 2009

It is all fast approaching as my birthday is almost here and so is the day I have dreaded for the last year.  I have almost survived the first year.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Marverlous Meet Me Monday

Marvelous Mondays were created by a blog friend of mine after she lost her triplets.  She did this to start finding one thing to just be thankful for.  I liked the idea and now include it in my weekly Monday post!

So on this Marverlous Monday I am thankful for the chance to win something!!!  My friends the Carters n their blog Keeping Up With The Carters have posted an oppurtunity for you to win a free $50 gift card to CSN!!!  All you have to do is go to their page and follow the rules for entry!  It is easy and there are four ways to win.  So I am thankful for this today the chance to win!

Meet Me Monday

What is your middle name?
My middle name is Margaret.  I was named after my grandmother on my biological dad's side.  When I was a kid I hated the name, but now as an adult I love the name and would use it for a little girl for sure.  I feel very honored to have my grandmother's name!

When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up?
I wanted to be a public safety officer: Fire fighter, police officer, and Medic.  Well I accomplished 2 of those and now I realize I am not grown up and now I have new dreams!!!  LOL  Some people never grow up I think I am one of those!

When is your birthday?
My birthday is actually fast approaching!!!  I will be 27 on the 23rd of this month!  Yes that makes me a Cancer!  However I will not lie I am not really looking forward to it.  I suppose there is just no stopping the fact that I will always get older!

Please email me your meet me Monday questions or leave them as a comment here!!!


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I Thought The World Would Stop For You

I have ben expeirencing so many emotions lately and I am starting to feel overwhelmed by them.  I love my kids, but I feel so guilty that even though I love them as much as I do when I am with them I still think about how much I miss Ethin and how he is not here.  As I sat with Jessa and Jayde tonight and watched Jonathin play baseball I was so proud of Jonathin, but I thought how I will never watch Ethin play baseball.  As I told the girls to watch as Jonathin swung the bat I thought how I will never be able to encourage Ethin to root for his sisters and brother on the sports field.  
Why is my grief so hard to deal with?  Why is my grief so consuming?  I have so many questions and I normally do go on with life as usual like everything is fine, but the realtiy is that I am hurting so bad inside that I do not completely recognize myself or how to manage the way I feel.  People said that this would get easier, but I have to tell you that I totally disagree.  It gets different and now I am trying to learn how to allow the different to become my new normal when the reality is that I do not want a new normal I want the normal I had a year ago when Ethin was still alive and in my arms.
Life seems to be swallowing me whole.  It honestly feels like I am being sucked into quicksand and I am hanging on to a branch that could snap at any time and I will be sucked all the way under.  Grief is an awful feeling that is killing me slowly from the inside out.  My heart feels so torn and broke.  People always ask what's wrong and the truth is my heart hurts.  They ask how I am doing and I am afraid that I will disappoint if I tell them the truth so I have reverted back to the whole I am alive response.  The truth is I am alive, but I am not living just merely existing in a world that never slows down or stops for anyone's pain.
So I wrote this poem knowing that June 27th will be creeping up on me in 25 days.  Oh my goodness really it is only 25 days away??  That is less than 4 weeks away!  I am really not wanting to finish the month of June I would rather just skip it!

You left this world in June
Laid to rest in hot July
Fireworks went off just 2 days later 
I thought the world would stop for you
Camping we went you were never far from thought
Picnics were ate balloons were released
A headstone finally laid on your place
I thought the world would stop for you
Golf outings and bonfires the summer winded down
School resumed no one questioned it but me
The winds began to blow
I thought the world would stop for you
Fall finally came October had arrived unnoticed to most
Your brother had a birthday your sisters finished cheer
Halloween came but you were not here
I thought the world would stop for you
Jessa turned 8 she misses you and sometimes cries
Thanksgiving just wasn't the same
leaves were raked and the air began to chill
I thought the world would stop for you
December was here the snow began to fall
The Christmas walk happened so much holiday cheer
Your sisters' birthday came and it went
I thought the world would stop for you
One year ended and another year began
Your birthday came so many remembered
The snow just continued to pile up
I thought the world would stop for you
Resolutions and proclomations were all written and signed
A day of hearts was celebrated
Raising Awareness and playing basketball where you were honored
I thought the world would stop for you
The snow began to melt spring was on the way
Shamrocks and green parades were happening
The school carnival happened many were smiling
I thought the world would stop for you
April showers began spring started out wet
Christ has risen Easter was another reminder
Soccer & Baseball, Coaching & Playing sports season is here
I thought the world would stop for you
Warmer weather approached flowers began to bloom
Mother's Day without you I am the mother to 4 only 3 were here
Memorial day parades and camping started again
I thought the world would stop for you
School will end soon summer will finally be here
My birthday is approaching and so is the one year mark
I will never forget what June 27 took away from me last year
Somehow I am learning that the world will not stop for you
But dear God how I wish it would stop with me.
~Jessica Twigg~
June 2, 2010

This is Ethin one year ago today....I miss him so very much