Thursday, December 23, 2010

Ethin's Gifts to the World This Year

Well it is that time of year I guess where you truly start to evaluate all that has happened in a year.  As Christmas approaches I know that there is so much to look forward to, yet I can not help but think of the one thing I want and can not have.
So I rarely write about how I am feeling and what I have been going through with my grief as I thought maybe I needed to just start dealing with it on my own.  However with Christmas right around the corner all I am thinking about is Ethin and the J Triplets.  Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde will be with me starting Christmas Eve at 9pm until Christmas Day sometimes and I am so excited to have them there, but knowing that not all my children will be there makes it very hard.  So again I am in this state where I feel so full yet so very empty inside.
My kids and I will watch The Polar Express on Christmas Eve and then when they go to bed I will sneek their gifts under the tree!  I can not wait to see their faces light up on Christmas morning.  I just hope that I can feel Ethin with us that day.  Such an awkawrd feeling to have full and empty, happy and sad, excitement and disappointment.....Just polar opposites all the time.....Ugh!
Sometimes as this life continues to unfold in front of me I think that I am doing something terribly wrong by smiling and truly looking forward to the rest of my life.  Then there are times where I crawl into a hopeless despair and I think I can not go on, and then there are times I plaster all the fake smiles and the saying I am good just slips out of my mouth like it is a programmed thing.  The balance is hardly balanced or fair at all! 
I guess I have a few more things to say and this may be my last post until after Christmas.....I need recipes for the recipe book we are making with Hope for BraveHEARTS.  So get us your recipes!!!  Please include your name, city & State and IF you have a heart child their name and defect but if you do not still send us your recipe and name and state to

Dear Ethin,
  You have been gone for 1 year, 5 months, 3 weeks, 5 days, 4 hours and 25 minutes as I type this you.  You are still at the fore front of thought in everything that I do.  Last Christmas one thing I did as a way to remind myself of all that you have gifted to this world was write down the things that have happened last year because you were a part of this world.  So this year I am going to do the same thing....Here it goes. 
There have been over 250 blankets collected
The 1st Annual EHSB Heart Ball took place and we raised $1836
On July 1st of this year Ethin's Heart Still Beats was corporated in the state of MI as a non-profit Organization
July 17th we held the 1st Annual EHSB Family Fun Day and raised just over $300
In February Newaygo High School hosted the 1st Annual Newaygo Lions Have Heart Basketball game and we raised $500
In January the city of Newaygo and the county of Newaygo Proclomated and Resolved February 7-14th as CHD Awareness Week
You see son you are still very alive in so many people and I am so proud of what you still accomplish!  You are an amazing child.  If ever a life could touch the hearts of others it is truly yours that does this.  You have not been forgotten by anyone.  Merry Christmas my sweet Angel Punk, I love you Always, Mommy