Saturday, November 27, 2010

17 months after

I guess that a post is long coming from me.  Sorry it has been so long.  The hustle and bustle of every day life really has been just never ending.  As far as every day life goes I guess you could say it is what it is.  The J Triplets are getting big and doing well in school. 
Jonathin turned 8 last month and Jessa will be 9 on Monday.  Before the year is up Jayde will also have her birthday and she will be 7.  I am working two jobs and running Ethin's Heart Still Beats.  I am playing basketball and spending as much time as possible with the kiddos.  Yes I am playing basketball for the first time since high school on an organized team.  This really may not be the best idea I have ever had as at the very first practice I broke my finger.  LOL I only laugh because I should have learned through softball that I am pry not as viable as I used to be.  Softball season ended with countless bruises, a sprained ankle, and being knocked out once.  I am die hard though and none of that held me back from still playing!
I have some very exciting news and need your help!!!!  Ethin's Heart Still Beats is collaborating with Hope for BraveHearts and we are making a cook book to hopefully have printed and ready to sell in February for CHD Awareness Week 2011!!!  So what I need is for you to submit me recipies that we can put in this cook book!!!  If you know the caloric intake per serving that would be great, but if not that's OK we have a way to figure it out.  If you have any good fat free recipies please send those as we are putting together a fat-free section for those that need a fat free diet.  So please email them to me at include your name, city and state and if you are a heart mom please include your heart child's name and defect.  We want recipes from everyone though.  Looking forward to receiving your recipies.  Oh and here is a sneek peek at one of the cover possibilities for the cook book!!!  Shannon has not even seen this yet!
Alright I really got on here tonight though, because I need to share some things.  Thanksgiving was two days ago.  It was not an easy day, but it was far better than last year.  I started out by eating dinner with a special someone and his family.  I was responsible for sweet potatoes and a cheese cake.  Let me just say that I scored big with both!!!!  LOL  Then after that I went and picked up my kids from their dad and we as a family went and had dinner with the Miller's.  They are a heart family that lives close to us and that we have grown very close to.  It was an amazing day really to be with so many people that I love.
Even though it was all that there was still a big part missing.  It is always a hard concept for me to fully grasp that at times I feel so full yet so empty.  I did however on Thanksgiving take some time in the morning to reflect on the things I was thankful for and here is what I came up with:
My children all 4 of them
My job and the people I work with
Ethin's Heart Still Beats and the amazing board I have

Alright not only was Thanksgiving just a few days ago, but today marks 17 months since my son was alive.  I truly can not believe it has been that long.So many times I wish I could have it all back and things could be what they were and what they were supposed to be.  That things could be the way I dreamed they would be when I had Ethin.  Instead they are the way God planned them to be and yes I am doing better with this, but I still have moments and lately I have been having many of those moments.  Those moments where the reality is so real that it is painful and almost as though maybe this is still a very bad dream.  
Yes the pain lately especially at night is so overwhelming that I really at times think that maybe this is not really happening.  That just maybe the last 17 months has been a terrible nightmare and I will wake up any second and have Ethin in my arms.  That I will go into bedrooms and tuck in all four of my children.  In these moments I normally cry myself to sleep and I of course wake up in the morning to reality and the vicious circle starts again.  
So 17 months later I can honestly tell you all that it does not get better or easier it just keeps getting different.  The different is becoming more manageable and it is becoming my new normal.  It is the new normal I am still learning to live with.  Life after the loss of my son is still and I am sure will always be a process I will go through.  
17 months after I said my last goodbyes to my son God is still showing me His purpose and His Hopes for me.  I am truly blessed.  Ethin still is very alive in so many people and though it is not always easy for me I am comforted by the fact that I know this is not forever.  This is temporary.  God through Ethin has opened my life to a life that I never would have had without him.  As awkward as it is I am thankful for the life I have.  I am truly blessed.  17 months after Ethin left this world I am truly thankful for so many things in my life.  
I have to go to work now.....I will write another update soon.....Please take the time to be thankful for the little things in life!