Wednesday, April 20, 2011

1 Month ago I had it all

Yes I look at back to a month ago and I see this very vibrant, smiling, laughing, athletic, young woman who really had it all.  I had a job I loved and was in management, I had my kids more, my own place to live, and a boyfriend that I really would've given the world to.  In that girl's place now stands a woman who is 27, not working, and seizing.  I broke up with the boyfriend as it this is not fair to him.  My daughter had to call 9-1-1 for me.  And I am now applying for disability because my doctor told me to.  She also let me know I can not play softball.  What has happened to my life. 
I feel like I was normal one day and going through life and God said you know what Jessica I have something else for you.  Just one more thing that I am going to ask you to use as a way to glorify me.  Well let me tell you what God, I am not sure how to glorify you through this right now.  But I will try.  So here I am on my blog crying, because I need to cry and to tell someone that I am scared and I am tired. 
I was asked to speak at a woman's retreat in May and since this started I am going to title it "God It's Me Again, I know You're There."  I find this appropriate as I begin to travel yet another "New Different" that I have not asked for.  Soon I may just ask God to carry me completely.  However right now I do not feel God even holding my hand.  I have faith I know I do, but why is it so constantly tested.  What did I do so wrong in this life to have so much happen to me at the young age of 27.  Yes 27 what the HELL?!!!
So I am adjusting to many new things right now.  Meds, tiredness, and the need for Phil to be next to me holding my hand and he's not.  I am also adjusting to this new normal that I do not want.  God give me back my life.  Just give it back to me!!  What have I done so wrong to deserve all this?  Haven't I been through enough glorifying your name through it all, haven't I still called you my God when others would have walked away?  God it's me again Jessica and I am telling you I can not take anymore!!  Did you hear me?  No More!!
OK now that I feel better about just getting some of that off my chest I suppose so many of you are asking so many questions.....
I started having seizures....Not overly bad, but not sure why.  I do not have health insurance so trying to see a neurologist is not an option.  I can not work because the meds make me high.  I want me back, but I am not sure that I will have the me that I had before so I need to learn to adjust to this new me.  It is very frustrating.  I know that I am going to have them from a taste in my mouth, and when I wake up from them I can not just speak like I normally do and it takes me a minute to realize where I am.  It's scary.
The kids are doing well and have finally started spring sports.  Jonathin and Jayde are playing coach pith baseball Phil is one of their coaches (Just GREAT), and Jessa is playing softball.  They love it so far!  Tonight is week two.  I love watching them play a game that I love so much.  They are all doing well in school and getting big.  I truly am so blessed in life by having them be a part of it.
Although I "technically" broke up with Phil we still talk every day and he is still still my friend.  Actually Sunday we are going to go to my grandma's to have dinner.  Yes it's weird, but I want him to be there.  Honestly not being with him has been killer right now, but he does have some things he needs to figure out.  I would like to hope that he will and I will have my happily ever after.
I have also realized in the last week that my energy is zero.  I really have no energy.  The smallest activity wears me out.  I tire quickly and just feel very unme.  I daze in and out of here and there where ever there is.  I have constant headaches and itchiness.  I have lost 17 pounds and dropped two whole pant sizes!!
If you could please keep me and the J Triplets in your prayers.  We are adjusting, but they know very little.  Thank You and God Bless,