The Storm

So I have written a lot in the last few days. Maybe that is overload for some of you and I am sorry. I just have the urge to write everything down right now. I write when things are to much to bear. When if I do not get it out I feel like I may explode. Clearly that has been a lot lately. I keep wondering why it is so much harder for me right now than it has been, but that seems to be an empty question or a stupid question. So I am here to write again to get it out.
A friend of mine her son Ethan had HLHS and PLE and he would have been 9 years old today. Ethan was a face of HOPE for so many of us. This child with 3 others was the reason Hearts of Hope in MI was started. I talked to Sandy today just to let her know that I am here and I love her. Ethan's birthday today just breaks my heart. He should be here and celebrating with his family and instead we are all missing him and hoping to find ways to console his family. I have known all week that this was approaching. We all Love You and Miss You Ethan you are never far from our hearts.
Well that is just one thing, but the reality is there are so many things I can barely grasp the whole concept! So I made it through Halloween. I made it through the fact that on Monday he would have been 10 months. But now I have Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and then his first birthday. Which is the day of the Heart Ball I planned.
See how the world cruely laughs at me. Why can the holidays just not happen this year? Can' the holidays just go away??? Why can't life just stop for a few months. You know in December too that the amount of time he has been gone will exceed his life? No this can not happen. I can not deal with so much. I want the world to stop.
I had a nightmare the other night about Thanksgiving. I say nightmare as I felt awful when I abruptly woke up with sweat and tears running down my face. My family was all together and laughing and they all kept looking at me and they were angry that I was not laughing. I tried, but I finally exploded screaming at them and crying as I ran out of the house. In my dream I felt like I could not breathe. When I woke up I was shaking and crying. I searched frantically through the blankets for Ethin's monkey and his blanket. I sat with them and cried myself back to sleep. I know I cried as I woke up and today was here.
I keep thinking about the time I spent with God. Trying to hold onto that. Hold onto the fact that Ethin is genuinely well. Hold onto the fact that God loves me. Trying to hold onto all these things is like holding onto a flagpole during a tornado.Next to immpossible. This is all very similar to a Tornado in thinking.
Ethin dying was a tornado in my life. Once things settled he was gone and there is nothing but pure devastation. Instead of rebulding homes I am trying to rebuild life. Instead of calling in a contractor to rebuild my home I am using a counselor to help. Noone after a torndo knows what to say and people in my life are the same way. This was a tornado and I am waiting for the afterwinds to pass. I am standing here looking and I am angry and devastated still to this day that Ethin is gone.
Writing words like this is so hard. I hate hate saying he is gone. But the words He is dead are cruel. Saying he earned his wings is a bit better however that was just not the goal I had for him. Saying he has passed is like wondering if I should have been waving at him through a car window. Moving on some call it, but that feels like he had a bad relationship and was going to the next thing. So you see what is one supposed to stay. Another mother wrote this: "I hate saying he is gone like I have misplaced him I did not misplace him." I can relate to this.
So how am I supposed to do this. How am I supposed to put two feet on the ground and look at the damage and deal with the devastation? I have tried to look in my Bible, I have tried to pray, I have tried to forget. Nothing works it is all still there. I can not forget so that is unrealistic. I feel lost opening my Bible like I am a child opening it for the first time. Praying is a whole chore all its own.
Praying for me used to be so natural. I would even say few times that I prayed rather than I just talked to God. So why is it so hard now? I mean I know that I am angry at times with God, but why can I not just "get over it"? Yep that's right I have just said the very thing that drives me nuts. Get over it. WHACK!!!!!!!!!!! (Reality giving me a high five to the face) Because there is no getting over it. Another vicious cycle in all of this. My son died, I am angry at God, I feel sad, hurt, scared, guilty; I feel all those things, because Ethin is gone. You see how this can all go around and around and eat me alive.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it's about getting out there and dancing in the rain."
So the tornado already happened. I am in the aftermath the after storm. Ethin I am going to walk in the rain. I can't dance yet, but at least I am walking in the rain. Besides walking in the rain does make it impossible for people to see my tears. My life really is a tornado all it's own. I want to crawl out from the basement and feel the sun shining on my face.
One day I will do this.
Blessings,


P.S. If you have not read the other posts this week go back you may want to read them as this is my forth post this week. Love you all so much