Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Fears

"When I walk into a room I fear someone will talk about my son....But the bigger fear is that they won't."

FEAR....Boy there certainly have been many. To many really. I am sitting here tonight and am not sure if I want to cry or just sit and watch TV cuddled with Ethin's blanket and monkey. Yes I cuddle with that blue prayer shawl and that monkey we all grew to love seeing him with.
It's a fear for me to cry. I think mostly because I am afraid if I start I might not stop. On Monday night I cried myself to sleep. I tried to stop on my own but with a failed attempt I wok up on Tuesday morning. Sleep has become a constant fear as well. Sometimes I fall asleep and then there Ethin is plain as day doing well and then suddenly it is like watching TV watching the medical staff race in there to him. Fears that bind me and hold me.
I have a Fear of leaving my house. Silly as it seems I am safe in my house no one to judge me or tell me I am wrong for how I feel. And if they do I can ask them to leave. Public places are a fear for me. When I walk into a place I know it is written all over my face that I am in pain. Also even though I live in a very small town I still sometimes get the "Oh Jessica How are you doing and how's the baby?" Ugh.....I put my head down say he died and walk away. So yes my house is a safe place for me!
Fears run deep and I feel them control me and I feel them swallowing me. I am afraid of something happening to my other children. The fear of losing them or having them be gone scares me terribly. When they sleep here I am up constantly to check on them make sure they are breathing. No more playing outside without me anymore. Camping was a great way to hide all that as we slept in the same tent. Yes I am scared of losing them. Losing Ethin made me realize that I was not safe anymore. Bad things can happen.
I live in fear that my J Triplets will not know how very much I love them. That they will not know how much each one of them means to me. They all hold a very special place in my heart. My heart belongs equally to all of 4 of them. Ethin knows how much I love him and miss him. I worry that Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde will not know how much I love and need them.
I have a fear of inanimate objects. The table for example. Not like I think the table will get up and kick my butt, but that it silently is another way that this world is cruel. My table as the years grow is a simple reminder that there will be an empty place at it. Our van Jayde sits in the far back drivers side, Jessa far back passenger side, Jonathin right behind me, and.......Ethin was supposed to be right behind the passenger seat. The van is a cruel reminder that he is not here. I am afraid that I will not be able to see past these things. Not to mention the empty damn crib that I can not take down!!!!!!!!!! Inanimate objects part of my fear.
My friends have fears with me. I have some friends that hope I do not bring up my son. They are afraid to be around me because I might say his name or cry. They fear, because they do not know. But this hurts me to know. I have a fear of being hurt more than I am so this is a bad mix. I do not expect them to know what to say nor do I want them to. Damn though really they are afraid to spend time with me!!!
So that leads to the fear of losing more people in my life. Fear of not living up to every one's expectations of my grief. I can't!!! I can NOT do it! I used to hate the word can't till now. Because I know my grief and fears and guilt make it so I can't do certain things.
The fear of really never being normal again is terrifying. I know I will never be the same, but what if I can not ever function like a normal person.
I have a fear of having more children or the ones I have developing a heart defect. I fear that my SVT will not get better. What am I to do? Fear holding me, strangling me, suffocating who I am.
I fear that I will remain to feel lost among the many. I fear that I will never have the relationship with God that I used to. I do not pray the way I used to. I no longer talk to God at all if I can help it. It makes me cry to walk into my church! Really are you kidding me? But somehow there are times that I really do feel God just holding me. He has not forgotten me and HE is with me. He cries with me and He knows how I feel. So if I feel him and I have seen him why can I not just run to him now?
Ethin's name is still the sweetest sound to my ears! Never is there a time that his name does not make me smile. His name is such a sweet reminder of a warrior that I met. I held an angel. I have kissed the face God. I know that I will hold him again. Not for many years I am sure, but I know I will and until then I know God is holding him and Ethin is happy. Yet I am afraid. I live in fear an all consuming fear that builds in me and spreads like fire.
Fear= False Evidence Appearing Real..........So maybe I can try to have this instead Full Assurance In The Heart. Long shot but I am praying I can do it!

Please continue to pray for the following....
Andrew and his appointment this week, Heart Ball, My family, Leslie and her boys, The Deloreys

Blessings,

4 comments:

Jennifer B said...

Jessica, I have been following your story for many months now and I pray that you are able to start talking through your fears with a counselor. I lost my father when I was 7 years old and I was so angry at God and everyone and would scream, "Why my dad?" It wasn't until I was a teenager and started talking to a professional counselor that I started to deal with my pain! I would hate for anyone to go as long as I did as it was a major impact on my happiness during my childhood! I look forward to reading your blogs in the future as you untangle the "Why's" and someone walks beside you as you grieve everyday for as long as you live!!

Jennifer
Greenville, SC

Stefenie said...

Jess,
My dear friend....how I wish there was just a few miles that separated us so I could hop on over there. I'd pick you up and we could go wherever you wanted to go...if you wanted to visit Ethin I would take you there...if you wanted to go to the Park to just sit and chat I would take you there. Anywhere you wanted so you can escape the fear and find some comfort in knowing that everything is going to be ok. It might take a while to get past the fear but everything will be ok. The J triplets know that you love them, they feel safe with you and you are doing the best job you can Jess! Ethin knows how much you love him too!

Don't worry what anyone else thinks Jess. You grieve how you want and turn those fears over to your counselor so he can help you to handle them. Allow him to give you the tools to cope and heal.

{{{HUG}}}

Stef, Ryan, Wyatt and Logan Jacks
http://www.whenlifehandsyouabrokenheart.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Jessica.
Every time I read your blogs my heart just cries for you. Sometimes I say nothing only because I do not know what to say. Sometimes it's because what I have to say may not be what you want. Today may be on of those times. I may not say something you want to hear. But I am your friend. A friend will not always say what you want them to say, but they will say what needs to be said. Like or not that part is up to you. Never stop saying your sons name, never stop remembering him, thinking about him, never forget him. But the fear you hold onto.... it is time to let it go. As you have said to me, you are a child of God, you may be wayward right now, you may not talk to him, but you are still His. His word tells us He never looses not one of His. Never meaning forever. So once His, always His. God also says we are made in His image. God has no physical image, it's all spiritual. His spirit is in you and me. 2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

I know you hate the Bible being taken out of context. You may read this and go, well this has nothing to do with me, but it does. Timothy is explaining all he has had to endure for Jesus' name sake and he tells us we will have to endure as well. We also know Jesus tells us to not fear because He has overcame the world. The battle has been won. You are feeling pain and no one is telling you to stop feeling, maybe they are just letting you know that maybe you could find a place to put it. Use your pain to fight through the fear. God says our faith will be tested. Your is definitely being tested now. What is faith? Faith is not seeing. Walk by faith. close your eyes and trust God, trust that he has something so great in store for you, that He knows what is right for you and your babies, that He loves your babies so much more than or love can, that he loves you more than you know. You will never understand why He took Ethin, but He says we were all created to bring Him glory and Ethin did that, He brought glory to his Maker. Now it's time for you to step up to the plate. Show your other bunches of joy what you were made to do. Teach them, they are watching you. Take your eyes off the situation you are going through and put you eyes on God. If you can not bring your self to "pray", then cry out to Him, scream at Him, yell, what ever have. He does not need to tell Him how you feel, He already knows it. He wants you to cry out to Him because He is your Father. What do Daddy's want to do when there children are hurting? They want to console them, take away their pain, make everything better. I read something in my Bible the other day, it said "with man nothing is possible, but with God all things are possible". You will never be able to get rid of your pain and fear, but God can.

Jessica, I urge you so very much to let the fear go because it will ruin you. Give it over to God.

Faith is a confidence or trust in the achievement of God's will.

I like you acronyms for fear so hear is some for faith.

Fear Ain't In This House

For All I Trust Him

Find Assurance in Trusting Him

Forever Always I Trust Him

Fallen Humankind, Adopted by God, Intentional Atonement, Transformed by the Holy Spirit, Held by God

Full Assurance in Trusting Him

Hey I thought of a song too. Read these lyrics. I will keep praying for you. <3 Hugs!

Anonymous said...

Jeremy Camp - Walk By Faith

Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to RID my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, ya

well i will walk by faith
even when i cannot see
because this broken road
prepares your will for me

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
(Repeat)
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Hallelujah, hallelu


I will walk by faith, I will walk by faith,
I will walk by faith
I will walk by faith, I will walk by faith,
I will walk by faith
I will walk by faith, I will walk by faith,
I will walk by faith
I will walk by faith
I will walk,I will walk
Faith
I will walk, I will walk by faith

If you have never heard the song... go DL it.

Talk to you soon,
Leeanne