So Sorry So Busy!

How does life get so extremely busy??  I feel like I am just going, going, going; not sure when I will stop and then the little moments I do stop it is to much for me.  I am not sure how exactly this is all supposed to work, but I have mastered the art of Avoiding!  Yes the art of avoiding is how I have survived this far.
Life here is so different now than I ever imagined that it would be.  I think deep down inside I really thought on some level there would be parts that I recognized.  I guess there are parts that I do recognize like I know I am still a mom and I am coaching soccer, but emotionally I am not sure that I recognize it all.  I appear on the outside to be totally fine and then on the inside I am screaming and crying.  It is a painful process for me.  I also think that it is getting harder to put on the fake front.  I wish that I felt comfortable enough to really let it out like I do on here.
Ethin has been at the very front of my mind these days.  I am not sure why, but I think it is as I know I am moving that I am contemplating on what to do with his things.  A part of me wants it all back out of boxes, but then there is a pat of me that thinks it was so hard to get it there maybe I should leave it in the boxes.  However then I feel like i am saying that it is OK that he is in the boxes.  Is there a happy medium to all this?  I guess ultimately I think I will keep out what I find to be important.  The rest is safe where it is and in time I will figure it out.  I need a nice size shadow box!!
So last Saturday I went and celebrated Sofi's one year transplant birthday.  She is so amazing!  It was a mox of emotions as I sat across the table from her for dinner.  She was singing and talking and I remembered how a year ago we were all at the hospital together and I had built such a close relationship with her mom Krissy and Sofi.  Ethin and Sofi truly did a lot of their back and forth healing together.  The two of them really did not do anything without the other.  Sofi became very important to me and when Krissy would come home for a night I would go sit with her just as Krissy and Jenni had done for me.  I never doubted that Sofi would be celebrating this day, but I guess I thought it would be different than it was.  However I am sure that Sofi and I have a great bond as when she got there I bent down and she came right up to me.  After dinner she wanted to come sit and play with me.  I love her very much!  It was a very humbling day to see Sofi and celebrate with her family knowing she is alive because someone out there gave her the amazing gift of life and is missing their child.  We were able to sign a card thanking that family and just in case they ever read this.  Thank you for Sofi's heart she is vibrant, full of zest, and spunk!  She is a fighter and we all love her so much, my life is better beacause she is a part of it!
Also Saturday we had our first soccer games!  The new fields are awesome!!  The rain and wind was not fun, but over all a great day!!  I love coaching soccer and I have coached Jessa almost her whole career.  Jayde and Jessa played at the same time which was a bummer, but thankfully the board members took pics of all the games that day as we broke in the Pride Land Fields.  By the way my team the Screaming Dragons had a great game, we had a ton of fun, and we won!  Also Jessa scored her first goal of the season during our first game which totally rocked!

Jayde is the one with her knee in the air! 

 

Jayde is on the right side of the goal post!

Jessa is kicking the ball in this pic!

Jessa is clearly standing right there!

So also I have some great news.  Tuesday though it was hard as it was 10 months that Ethin has been gone there was some great news that came that day.  We met with a local attorney that we are hiring to draw up the Non-profit papers for Ethin's Heart Still Beats.  It looks like we will have our non-profit organization standing with the state by mid-June.  We now have to find an accountant to hep with the 501 3c status.  I am so humbled to see how this has all come together in only 10 months.  I am blessed beyond reason to see Ethin still working and surrounding my life with his amazing way of touching lives.  

Yesterday my friend TracyAnn came up to visit me.  She and I met at the Heart Ball in January and instantly had a connection.  I know that Ethin is the reason we met, but we share a heart bond too.  Tracy has a heart defect and her son also has one.  So we spent the whole day talking and visiting.  We went to the cemetery and visited Ethin.  Her love for God is amazing and it inspires me.  However if you ask her about me she says the same thing.  Though we have only known eachother for a few months our friendship is that of kids that grew up together.  She has truly been a blessing in my life and I am thankful she is part of my life.

Onto the business now!  LOL

Ethin's Angelversary Awareness Fun Day

Date:	Saturday, July 17, 2010
Time:	8:00am - 8:00pm
Location:	Branstrom Park
City/Town:	Fremont, MI

This day is filled with fun stuff for everyone. We are having a double elimination coed softball tournament, a 5k and 10k walk/run, at will donation picnic, games for kids. The park has a pavilion that we will be under for heart families to have a place to rest their kiddos. There is a playground for kids and a small stream.
Softball Tournament: $50 registration for your coed team. You are responsible for your own team shirts if you want them. There is only enough room for 7 more teams to enter. This will be a double elimination style tournament. There will be a HR rule. Registration for the tournament needs to happen by July 10, 2010. The tournament will begin at 9am on July 17.
5k & 10k walk/run: $15 registration for either run. This includes your registration and a t-shirt. YOu will be winding yourself through beautiful Branstrom Park. Pre-Registration would be a bonus, but otherwise registration the day of starts at 8 and the run will begin at 10.
Food will be provided for all. We are asking that you just give a donation for the food. CSK Catering has once again volunteered to take on the task of preparing us a tasteful summer style lunch.
Free games for kids will be set up through out the park. There will be raffles through the day as well. Awards Ceremonies will be as soon as the Softball tournament is done.
We are really looking forward to hosting this annual event this year and can not wait to allow Heart families and the community to come out and support the event!
For information or to register call Jessica Twigg 616-634-3029 or email EHSB at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com
I hope to see you all there!!!

OK if your child was honored at the Lions Have Heart Basketball Game in Feb you should all have your shirts now and what I need from you all is a pic of your child front and back wearing that shirt.  If your child was played in memory of I need you to email me a pic of your shirt however you want it to be with the shirt and I need permission from all to give a copy of your child's pic to the young man who played for your child.  I need these ASAP as we are preparing them as a gift to the player.  Here is an example of what we are doing with them this is the one that is going to Justin Parker who played for Jordan Snyder!

OK I am being beckoned I have to get moved this weekend and everyone is ready to go eat lunch so I must close this.  I hope to try and write again soon, but please I need Meet Me Monday questions!!  comment them here or email them to the above email address!
Also I got a new program and have been playing around with it so I want to share this with you and encourage you to visit the photraghers website that took the picture for me.  Kristyn LaPres Photography

May you all find a piece of God's Grace today the weather in Newaygo, MI is amazing!

Blessings,

Revamped!

Well after much thought and consideration I have changed my blog a little bit.  It will pry continue to change, but I just feel that I needed it to be different as I have changed since I started it. Besides not sleeping gave me all the power I needed to go ahead and figure things out.  Welll I figured out parts, but now I need to figure out the rest (Stef I will pry be calling you!  No worries I will wait till day light hours!)  Yes a huge thank you needs to go out to Stef who had put together my last blog design for me.  At the time it was fitting, but now my grief has changed and the blog has changed to and I wanted to include my J Triplets in on it too.  Alright enough about all that....
So the last few weeks I have been blogging literally about nothing.  The reason for this was I needed to take some time and try to figure out some things for me.  Through that though I have found much joy in answering the questions you all have asked of me and I can tell you I hope that you continue to send me your questions so that I can continue to do "Meet Me Mondays" you can email me your questions to chdhlhs09@yahoo.com or leave your question as a comment.  I felt through doing that I was able to introduce you all to a more personal side of me and one that did not contain all sadness and tears.  That truly was never my intent with my blog, but I have heard more than once it does that (Sorry).
When I started this blog it actually started with Ethin's carepage as a way to update everyone on how he was doing.  After Ethin passed away I moved to blogger and updated both.  The reason for continuing to blog was that I had many ask me to keep going so they knew how the kids and I were doing.  I later realized that this was truly a blessing for me to know so many supported and prayed for us, but also it became a great outlet for me.
In the last couple months though I have stopped being as open in my grief and how I feel due to some not great things and comments that took place.  However after much of me feels bottled up I am going to start opening back up to my grief and writing about how I am REALLY doing.  I am sorry that it is hard to read, but trust me it worse living it.  So I say that and hope you all understand that I am trying hard to find the balance of living with my grief, being thankful for what I do have (Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde), and truly living my life for God.  It is not easy someone once told me "It is a delicate art of learning to live again, hanging on, and letting go."  This I have found to be very true as I am not sure I have mastered any part of these three.
Yesterday I spent some time with my grandmother and she shared something with me that made me realize that it is OK to miss Ethin while I am on the Earth.  She lost her son when he was an adolescent and she told me that 30 some years later she still misses him.  I have found that my grandma is a wise old bird that has lived through many trials and hardships and if she says something than it must be true.  So I am thinking that ya know what it is OK for me to live and grieve now all I have to do is find the balance.  I am not sure that this will be easy, but what I am sure of is that God will be with me the whole way and He will carry me when I need it, be a crutch as I start to do it, and walk beside me when I can.
Alright so the past month has been filled with many emotions.  I have had good days and bad days, I have felt great and awful, and I have laughed and cried.  I have found that the busier I am the less I focus on Ethin being gone, but when I am not busy it so overwhelming that I do not know how to handle it all.  Thankfully I have many people that care and understand.
Well I can not believe how long this last year has been, but mostly I can not believe that I have lived through the last 9 months, 4 weeks, 9 hours, & 33 minutes as the mommy to an angel.  I can not believe that I did not get to have all the first things with Ethin that I did with Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde.  There was just none of the normal first things.  Then there have been a few things now that I have been through that were my first without him.  I just can not believe that he is gone still.
I miss him so very much and nothing eases the pain matter of fact there are some things that intensify the pain.  I even find some things to be a cruel reminders of what I do not have.  For instance little toddler/baby boys that are close to how old Ethin should be.  Music seems to laugh at me as it plays and I come to tears.  I am not sure if all people experience this, but I am.  My friends son turned 1 this past week and I was truly overjoyed knowing that I have watched him this whole last year, but a part of me just wished that I too was able to share my one year old with the world.  Then there is all the stupid little things like what would have been his spot in the van it is empty, the very empty highchair that I see, and all his stuff is packed and not even with me right now.  Silly I know, but all of it plays a part.
Next I guess it is always going to be there; there are always things I am going to wish for.  I will always wish Ethin was here with me.  I know how selfish that sounds, but I love him so much and I miss him more every day.  I wish that people would not be afraid to say his name, I will stand by these two statements: "Hearing my son's name is still the sweetest sound in the world to me!" & "I have a fear that when I walk into a room someone will mention my baby's name, but an even bigger fear is that they won't"  I know it must be awkward for people to know if it is OK, but I do NEED to talk about Ethin and all that is happening because of him and if I do not feel like I can I will tell you.
I do all the time wish he was still here.  I know this is selfish, but you would if it were you.  I wish I would have watched him learn to walk.  I wish Jayde would have been able to help teach him she wanted to so badly and even asked me the other day if Jesus taught her baby brother to walk.  I wish that I would have been able to watch him grow up and Jonathin could have taught him how to hit a baseball and Jessa could have taught him how to play soccer.  I wish he was here so that yes I could have held him more, heard him say mommy, held his hand to walk, and just watch him grow.  I wish my son was alive and laying with me right now.
I still all the time wish I had just one more minute or a do over.  That guilt of not being there that day will forever eat me alive.  It will forever be in my head how I left, and I was not the last face he seen.  I wonder all the time if he ever thinks about me and wonders things about  me the way I do about him.  I always just wonder if in his perfect Heaven if he knows how loved he still is.
Spring is here I think (It is Michigan!) which obviously brings new life and I am hoping that God will plant in me a new beginning of living without Ethin.  The flowers are starting to bloom and sports season is in full swing.  I have watched tons of the Tigers on T.V. and truly just go back to last year and how Ethin and I would watch them play at the hospital on T.V.  His nurse Cheryl made us into die hard Tigers fans and I just wish I could watch one more game on T.V. with him or had him here to take him to his first real game in person.
I mentioned sports so this must be said.  I am coaching soccer again.  I am the proud coach of the Screaming Dragons which Jessa is playing on.  Matter of fact our first game is in a few hours.  Jayde is also playing soccer, but not old enough to be on my team.  Jonathin is playing baseball and it is coach-pitch this year.  Needless to say the kids sports schedule keeps me very busy!  Plus I am assisting another coach but I will tell you about that in a minute.  Here is what the schedule looks like Mon-Jonathin baseball, Tues-Girls and I soccer, Wed-Asst. Coach soccer, Thurs-Girls and I soccer, Fri-Jonathin baseball, Sat-At least two games but sometimes 3 for the girls and I!!!!  So I am the assistant coach to a new coach this year and her son has a Heart Defect!  Crazy right??!!
So life here is busy, but I guess I really would not trade it.  If the option is to have a ton of free time to allow Ethin being gone to settle in than I will take the busy life every time.  In other news I am moving next weekend.  I also have a kitten!  She was a stray kitten that followed a friend and I home from a walk, but she is simply amazing and I just love her to pieces.  I think she must have been someone's pet, because she is just to perfect.  I also think she may be half dog.  Anyhow I guess it will be no surprise to many of you to find out I named her after one the Tigers pitchers LOL.  Her name is Zumaya.  Speaking of pets I was goign to get Inge back next weekend when I moved, but she apparently loves the farm life and since I get to see her when ever I want she is staying where she is.....Besides they really do not want to give her back!  LOL I will post pics of Zumaya soon.  Oh and of the kids sport stuff!
Also next week Tuesday a few of the EHSB board members and I have a meeting with an attorney to draw up our non-profit status paperwork!  Oh and join Ethin's Heart Still Beats on facebook there is a link at the top of the page.  Also we have a big event coming up in July.  I will post that later, but it is on the facebook page.  Also next week the board and I will be going to visit the high school here to get a check from them and to present them with something!  I am so proud of Ethin I wish he was here to be a part of it.
Anyhow I hope you all enjoy your weekend and find a piece of God's amazingness this weekend.

Blessings,



I wish you were here there is not a day this does not cross my grief stricken mind
And every day I am given little reminders of how much you are in me our lives forever intertwined
Your heart it was special God created you to do a special task down here Earth
He sent you with everything you needed he had it all planned out before your birth
Yes I was scared I think that was to be expected with all that I was told
Son I knew your life would be hard but I placed you in God's hands to hold
Your time here with me was never meant to be long it was all a part of a bigger plan
Now that you are gone God is slowly showing me things and helping me to understand
You were sent here to a job that would require you to endure a great deal of strife
God sent you here to change mankind he used you to show us how precious is a life
You showed people Hope and you showed that strength can come in any shape or size
Punk you were sent to teach the world to lift tons of prayers towards the Heavenly skies
My sweet warrior I am sure God used you to teach so many just what it means to love with all your heart
He uses you now as we all remember even though we may all be far apart
You have accomplished much and you do a little more every single day
I wish you were here but that is just not how it worked out it just simply was not God's way
If only we all can remember you with a smile on our face and to make a difference down here
I am proud of you Ethin your Heart Still Beats in all of us God's plan is becoming clear.
Jessica Twigg
Saturday, April 24, 2010

Meet Me Mondays

If you could talk to Ethin one more time what would you say?

I have thought about this so many times and so many times I could say everything and nothing.  But I once wrote what I would say to him and so I will just share that, because I am sure that this is what I would say...

The Things I would Say…..
Ethin if I could hold you one more time there is a lot that I would say to you.  I love you so much and I miss you.  I will miss you every day.  I know that a better place calls to you and son I can not be angry that you want to go there.  Ethin you have touched all those who crossed your path.  Thousands of people know who are.  I promise that I will always keep you alive.  I know that you can not physically stay, but you will live on.  Punk I love your fight and all that you are.  I love your smile and your eyes.  I love how every day with you was a gift.  So much of life’s lessons you taught.  You lived everyday the way we all should.  Smiling and lighting up the world.  If we all could touch a tenth of the lives you did this world would be a brighter place.  I am proud of who you are and ever will be.  I have never in my life met anyone like you and I am proud that I was chosen to be your heart mommy.  I will always be your mommy.  For a while we can not be together and I am sorry for that.  I promised I would never leave you and please know that I haven’t.  I am with you every day.  I know that this seems impossible, but when you left you took a part of my heart with you and now yours is whole.  So I am with you.  Son you are always with me.  You live in me.  I am proud of the way you fought and I know you won your fight.  I promise that I will keep fighting for your heart brothers and sisters.  The way you fought and with such Grace the least I can do is honor that.  I also promise that Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde will know of all that you are.  They will know of their little brother and the amazing way you lived.  They will because of you, know to live every day as a gift.  Yes son you were a gift to this world and to our lives.  You were and always will be a light in all this dark.  Your courage is one to be commended.  I know you will not be scared without me.  Watch the Tigers from the best seat in the house!  Tell your great-grandfathers we love them.  Please remember to look both ways up there.  Don’t forget to say please and thank you.  Smell the flowers I think they are better than the ones here.  Let the sun dance across your cheeks and feel its warmth.  Look at the stars like we did when you were in my belly.  When you do that know I am doing the same and in the suns warmth feel my arms around you.  Smile all the time show them what your made of.  I know God needed a real angel to brighten his heavens so show him that smile.  I Love You Ethin more than anything and I hate that we can not be together like we were, but one day pry only minutes to you and years to me we will be together again I promise.  One day you can show me Heaven.  You can show me the flowers and the best places to play.  One day we will dance again and I will sing in your ear.  One day we will be together in Heaven Forever I promise!   I love you with all of my heart, Mommy

Thank you to Krissy for taking so many wonderful pics for me please visit her website 

 What is it like being the only girl of 5 brothers?

This is a good and very funny question.....I will start by saying that I actually am 1 of 6 children in my family that I was born to.  And I am the oldest girl in that setting with just 1 brother who is older than me.  My family is very pulled apart and as an adult I have family but it is made of my friends and this family that I have though it is different is truly a blessing to me.  So onto the real question......

I have been taken in as the sister to 5 boys.  And it is like having 5 buddies that at anytime can keep me occupied.  We will never share the same blood, but in my heart we are family and they are my brothers in all the ways that matter.  Sometimes it is roughness as they are real boys, but there are times that it is really just lots of laughs and hugs.  Besides having my own kids do it the second best thing to me is when I show up to see them and they run at me to hug me or ask if I am staying to visit for a while.  They are also very protective.  LOL  I know that these boys are always looking out for me even though I am an adult.  They are my family in all the ways that it counts and I truly am thankful they are a part of my life!  They each offer such a different personality to my life.  So here is a pic of me with my brothers

There is Dakota, Hunter, Logan, Gage, Jared and myself

Me and my brothers in all the ways that it counts!

So I am always looking for  meet Monday questions you can email them to me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Blessings,

Jessica

Poetic Thursdays

I will start sharing m,y poems although some may be written months and even years ago....Enjoy!


The days they just seem to drag they never seem to end
And I am afraid it is my broken heart that will never mend
They say as time goes by the pain will subside
And for now what I really want is to just hide
I think about you every day you are my first thought
Grief has me in its clutch I know it has me caught
Some days are hard and life seems to pass me by
I know your looking down punk keep flying high
As this goes I know I forget to do normal things
But lets be honest this is forever the song my heart sings
So now your gone and your heart is finally whole
It is this way because a part of my heart when you left you stole
I know it will be years before I’ll have you in my arms
You are still with me though I still see all of your charms
This does not get easier but I hope to learn to live with this pain
Son I hope one day I can live and not be in such vain
I love you punk I am doing this trying to live for you
I am trying to honor you in all things I do
For if I can do anything it will be to have you live in me
Son you taught me that life will just always be
I will live for today as you really taught me well
Life should not be taken for granted this is your story it is now mine to tell

Jessica Twigg
October 10, 2009

Meet Me Mondays

Well I will try to blog about the weekend on Tuesday or something but I have a few questions that were asked so I am going to do my best to answer them and I had some asked that I will just say I guess there are few things I am uncomfortable with.

I know you are doing some ministry and I think that is awesome! what are some of the things you have written about? 
I mostly have written about my grief although I have written some prayers that have been used in my church.  I am hoping to go into an apostolic/evangelistic type of ministry.  I look forward to possibly writing a book on my journey through grief and through Faith.  Ultimately I hope to travel around and share God's grace that I have experienced through my grief.  I am the child of a faithful and sovereign God who loves me and has carried me through the last 15 months of my life.

Who is the main person in your life right now that is getting you through your hardest of times?  Who is your rock? 
 Well I will start by saying this....I am single so if this was intended to be a question of that sort there is no "main" person in my life like that.  My rock has been God.  On Christ the solid rock I stand.  However I am sure that God has made sure all the right people have been in my life to help me through this.  My kids are huge in my life.  But there is not just one person who has gotten me through this; there are many!  I am truly blessed and very lucky and fortunate to have so many great people in my life.  My church family has been amazing and I seriously think I have the best friends who are my family in my life.  My friends have become my family and I would not have it any other way.  My heart family has been very supportitive as well.  So there is no main person but so many people and God who truly has held me up.


In need of questions bad!!!   chdhlhs09@yahoo.com   email. them to me!!!!

Blessings,
Jessica

Poetic Thursdays

So here it is another day given to something.....My poems!

Remembering It All
It's recalling the last time I seen you alive
Now I wonder how I'll survive
I remember it all way to well the way it went down that day
The nurses voice, the commotion in the background, exactly what the doctor had to say
I begged and screamed for them not to give up on you please do everything you can
I wasn't ready to watch you go I wanted to watch you grow into a young man
Forever I'll remember how the last time I held you and you weren't there
Dam it you were gone it was painfully cruel and completely unfair
A ride home I don't remember to plan a funeral I never wanted to see
Picking out flowers, caskets, music, verses, I hate that things weren't meant to be
It was finally the day I dreaded for the last six that had passed
Knowing I had to say goodbye some lives aren't meant to last
Saying those final goodbyes watching a lid take it's resting place
With tear filled eyes it was realizing never again in this life would I see your face
Sitting in the church the service was beautiful that's what many said
Trying to keep hold of myself most of the time just picturing you in my head
Four men came forward with somber faces, tears in their eyes, and firm hands to carry you out
Into the van you went tears rolled down my face inside I was screaming I wanted to shout
A row of cars all going to the same place it was clear where you were to be laid
My friend held my hand as you were placed over the hole I prayed you weren't afraid
A few more words spoken people all hugged me it was time to put you to rest
I was mostly alone as I said my last goodbye and wept promising I loved you telling you how you were the best
I looked back two men were standing there and with a nod of my head they came forward and lowered you down
Tears fell from my face that day and soaked the ground
Nine months later and I remember it all like yesterday 
Nine months later and I still miss you so much and wish that it wasn't this way

Jessica Twigg
March 8, 2010

Wacky Wednesday List

So I thought it would be fun to dedicate another day to something more specific!  So Wednesdays will be my Wacky Wednesday List.  If you have a list idea email me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com with the subject being List.  For Meet me Mondays email your questions there too.  

10 things through the day that let you know you’re a mom

10.  You wake up to a kid screaming, “Give it back it’s mine”
9.  You can not remember what it is like to go to the bathroom without interruption.
8.  Your phone conversations constantly include “Excuse me I am so sorry I have to handle this.”
7.  The highlight of your day is when you find a sock in the laundry that has been missing for a week.
6.  You know all the words for the Mickey Mouse Club House Songs.
5.  Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches are a cuisine in your home.
4.  You have a calendar in your home just for the kids activities.
3.  Multi-tasking is a second nature to you.
2.  Sleeping has become way over-rated.
And the #1 thing through the day that let’s you know you are a mom is….
That look in your child’s eye when they wrap their arms around your neck and say, “I love you mommy you are the bestest mom in the whole world!”

I am a proud mom!!!

Blessings,
Jessica

Easter and Memories

If you have not had the chance to read my "Meet Me Monday" post from today I encourage you to go ahead and read it.  I have this dying need to blog about how things have been, because right now it is striking me to get it out and before that urge goes away I am going to blog.  Besides not blogging for a week on how I am doing is leaving open some questions as to how I am doing and how the kids are doing.

Let's start with the fact that I am stressed to the inth and that I am overwhelmed much of the time lately.  Days come and go and hardly anyone says anything these days.  To be honest with you for so long I just acted like everything was fine that I am so used to that now I do not know how to always just be honest with myself and others.  Always trying to live up to their expectations has made it difficult for me to really let out how I am feeling all the time and may even be the reason I have had a hard time writing about it all.

Last Friday someone gave me this charm.  Thanks Dawn I really just love it!!!

So last Saturday was 9 months since Ethin has been gone.  Most of the day I stayed super busy with Leslie, but then it came time to go to the square dance for our church.  In order to understand all that I should start back 9 months ago.
9 months ago there was a benefit for our family at Providence Christian Highschool in the cafeteria.  I was there with my J Triplets and many amazing people from my church.  Well Saturday on March 27 my church held a square dance at Providence Christian High School in the cafeteria.....Does anyone see where I am going with this?  I parked my van and as I walked in it all hit me.  I have driven by the school many times since June 27, 2009, but never stopped to go in.  As I walked up so many emotions flooded every part of me.  When I got inside my grandma was there and I really thought I was going to leave.  Then Sandy came in and when I seen her I immediately pictured her throwing her arms around me as I fell to the ground last June.  She stayed right by my side until I left and she was walking in and I wondered if she was thinking any of what I was.  I was surrounded by so many of the same people from that awful day and I wonder even now how many of them had some of those memories flash in their heads while we were all there together.  Needless to say I did not leave and I learned a few dances and took tons of pics for the church.  It was really hard being there, but God gave me the strength to do it.  Here is one of the pics from the square dancing.

This is a pic of me with ........

On Sunday my daughter Jessa and her Sunday school class performed a song at church.  It was so great to see her participating in the service.  Here is a pic of her doing that.

 

Jessa is the first one on the left!!

Then Sunday after church we went to the park and played before the EHSB meeting.  The weather in MI has been very nice lately like shorts, sandal, and t-shirts.  Here's a pic of the kids at the park

Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde AKA the J Triplets

My niece was with us and here she is

This is my niece Taylor and my sister Krista

So the week went on with constant reminders that Easter was approaching.  My favorite holiday is the 4th of July and second has always been Easter.  I always take time to reflect on my life when Easter approaches as there is so much to reflect on.  Last Easter I gave a testimony at my church.  On Easter Sunday of 2005 I gave my pulic profession of Faith and became an adult member of my church also on that same Sunday my three kiddos were baptized there.  This was all really amazing things at my home church.  I have not celebrated holidays since Ethin passed away like most people do.  This Easter I already knew would be no different. 

April 1st came and all I thought all day was how last year I was waiting in a waiting room at Mott for updates on how he was doing through his hemi-fontan.  I reflected on that last bottle I fed him and the last bath and the waiting for him to come out of surgery.  On April 2nd I just kept thinking how the doctors came to me late that night and said they did not know if he was going to make it and that I might want people there with me.  April 3rd came this year and I thought about Ethin's baptism that was done at the hospital because we did not know if he would live. 

This is Ethin being baptized April 3, 2009

This was after he was baptized he was so sick.

So then Easter Sunday came and really it just felt like another day.  Then I walked into my church and Ethin's Easter Lily was there and that's when I knew it was not any other day it was Easter and my son was not there with us he was in Heaven for Easter.  In the back of my head I was thankful it was Easter and that I know I will see my son again, but in the bottom of my broken heart I just wanted to stand up and run out.  I miss Ethin all the time and Easter last year we were together and Easter this year we are not.  All the things that have changed in the last 9 months and I want things to go back to what they used to be.  

After church it was off to dinner at my grandmas.  I love my grandma and if i could be anything when I grow up I want to be her.  However the rest of my family makes me really ponder and wonder if my real family is looking for me.  My one Aunt and I do not get along and haven't since Ethin's funeral.  My biological dad did not say two words to me and I just felt so uncomfortable.  I stopped at the cemetery on the way home and dropped off a frog windchime I had bought for Easter for Ethin.  

Then it was home and off to ride horses.  I went riding for about 2 hours and then went and seen the Heideman's.  I actually stayed with them all night and that was good I love them and really just being around them makes me feel better they truly accept me no matter what.  That is a good feeling they never expect me to be anything more than I am and understand I might have days. 

So then there is today and I just feel like the world is going on and I really want it to stop for me.  I want it to stop just for a few minutes.  Everyone yesterday is like HAPPY EASTER, GOOD MORNING and all I thought it I am not hapy it is not a good morning my son is dead.  I miss Ethin just as much today as I did 9 months ago.  It is a never ending cycle of pure hurt deep down in my heart.  I feel like my heart really is broken in two like half of my heart is gone.

I hope that you all enjoyed your Easter.  Christ has Risen!  

Blessings, 

Jessica

Meet Me Mondays

I got a few questions last week and I will answer all of them today I do desperately need more questions though so email them to me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Why do you spell your kids names so differently?
So for those that have never read my blof I have 4 kids and their names are spelled very differnt:  Jessa Danyelle, Jonathin Mikeal, Jayde Daylin Makenzy, and Ethin RaiLuc.  I think that when I thought about their names I just wanted them to be different.  So I took the femine name for Daniel which is Danelle and changed the spelling to make it unique for Jessa.  With Jonathin's name it really was all about the way it sounds so using an A or an O made no sensse in the way is name was pronounced.  His middle name of Mikeal is spelled uniquely to make it his own.  Jayde was all about putting a Y in her names and giving them her own touch too.  As for Ethin I chose to go with the I to make it like his brother.  And his middle name was just puting two names together but allowing them to be very special for him as well.  Overall it had everything to do with not wanting common spellings and wanting their names to be their own.

What is your favorite movie (the one you could watch 100 more times and still not get bored)?
This is a seriously tough question.  I love so many movies.  My all time favorite movie hands down though is Dirty Dancing.  I think I was like 8 years old the first time I seen it.  I know every line and that movie when I was a kid started my love for Patrick Swayze and dancing as a whole.  However there are a few close seconds that I also could watch many times.  Men of Honor with Cuba Gooding Jr whom is my favorite actor, Forrest Gump, and recently I seen the Blind Side and I have to say that is an amazing movie!!!  I watched it 7 times in 5 days!

Is there one song that brings back a memory of Ethin...like that you hear on the radio and just have to sing along and cry your eyes out?
I am huge into music and connect with music all the time.  So there are many songs that remind me of Ethin.  Most of the songs that really remind me of Ethin are the songs that play on the blog.  However since Ethin has passed away there are a few that more often than not I will be seen crying to and even at times turning my radio right off.  Cry Out to Jesus by Third Day, Held and Better Hands Now both by Natalie Grant.  Most days though you can find me listening to music and crying.  As for bringing back full cirlce memories of Ethin the song Can I Have This Dance reminds me all the time of Waltzing with Ethin up and down the halls of Mott. 

Did you have something you really wanted to do in your life and still have not accomplished...like something in your 'bucket list' that you really want to do?
Oh yes very much so.  I am only 26 so I do have many things that I have not accomplished that I would like to.  I have not really made a Bucket List (Which was also a good movie!) although it is not a bad idea to make one.  I'd like to go to Hawaii and swim where the waterfalls are crashing down.  I want to see all 50 states and I would love to visit Italy and France.  Building my dream home will have to wait.  And the number one thing on my 'Bucket List' is to fall in love and have my fairytale wedding and be truly happy and married for the rest of my life.