Different

Well I gave the blog a new look hope you all like it!  Again I continue to allow this blog to reflect my life since Ethin.  This truly has been my journey through grief.  It has not been an easy journey and it is and always will be the longest journey of my life.  By God's grace alone I am still here and able to be much further than I ever thought I would be.

Losing Ethin still affects me today just differently today than it did the day that it happened.  Different is the key word in what I wrote.  It has not gotten better nor any easier it has just gotten very different.  My life is so very different than anything that I ever imagined it or dreamed it to be.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not wish that I was the mother of four living children, but I am always thankful that I am the mother of four children whether they are here with me or not.

My life today is different and some of the ways that it has become different are not so unbearable anymore.  I have even grown accustomed to this different.  There are ways where it is still the same too.  For instance I still deal with my grief mostly on my own.  As close as Phil and I are that is one area that I do not just open myself up to him.  He does not understand and I can not make him understand.  I still rely fully on God to ease the pain inside my heart when it becomes more than I can bear.  I still help my children through it on their bad days alone as well.

The areas that are different are not all bad different.  Phil is a huge good different in my life now.  God is bigger in my life today than He ever was before and that is a great thing.  I have learned to rely more on God in the last three plus years than I ever did in my first 26 years.  I have met some of the most amazing women and am very blessed to know them and without losing Ethin I never would have.  Ethin changed my whole life, but not in bad ways.

Ethin has been on my mind a lot lately.  I am not sure why, but he just is.  I have been looking at pictures of him and trying to remember what it really felt like to hold him.  I guess that is one thing that is gone and I can not really remember the way it felt to hold him.  To feel him fall asleep on my chest and feel his little body move against me.   I really do miss him and that is OK that I do.

Life here is fast paced and constantly moving!  I think that sometimes Phil and I are not sure if we are coming or going.  Phil is coaching Owen's football team.  Thankfully they have one more game and then they will be done till next fall.  However winter means Owen and Jayde will be playing basketball, Jonathin will be wrestling, and Jessa, Owen, Jonathin, and Jayde will be working on softball and baseball again.  I help with softball and Phil helps with baseball.  In the winter it is all indoor training.  The way I see it we will have about two weeks between football and winter sports!  I started bowling every other Saturday night and will be doing that until spring....It is fair to say this home would not know function without sports; it would however have so much more time for other things.....who am I kidding there is nothing better than watching these kiddos play and for us to coach them!

This past Saturday Jessa was able to experience her first Michigan State football game at Spartan Stadium!  It was wet and cold and we lost so that kinda stunk, but man was it great to be there with her watching the game!  Phil gave her some money so she could buy hot chocolate and a souvenir.  We went with Phil's dad Phil so for me to know she was there with me and her papa was also secretly the coolest thing ever to me!

I know I jumped around a bit, but experiencing this past weekend with Jessa was awesome, but also a bittersweet memory that I can not ever share with my son.  These are the moments that as they come I am reminded that the world goes on; life goes on even when you think it should stop.  These are the moments that I am reminded of what I have and what I do not have.  I am thankful for what I have, but I miss what I do not have.

 

Firsts Still Happen

So life here is crazy as normal.  I am loving life and the experiences I am having for example I went to my first MSU game for this season and it was under the Spartan lights!  I was able to go thanks to my boyfriends dad and a friend that sits by us at Spartan Stadium.  So we got an extra ticket to the Notre Dame vs. Michigan State and I was able to experience my first MSU game of the season with my amazing boyfriend!!!

Phil and I at the ND vs MSU game September 15, 2012
 I have come to realize that while I am getting to experience some "firsts" there are still some first things that start to happen that I am not getting to experience.  Weird how that as time has passed I am learning that there are always going to be things that I am missing out on.  The big one this fall as school started I had friends that sent there children off to their first day of school.  This is something that I had forgotten would come to pass.  This is an experience that I have experienced with Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde.  It is however an experience that I did not get to go through with Ethin.  As I looked at pictures of my friends sending their children off to school a small part of my heart ached as I did not get to send Ethin off to school.
I think the general misconception that I had after that first year was over is that I would finally not have more firsts, but I do.  I still have firsts that will not happen.  Life has seemed to level out, but there will always be someone missing.  As life has continued to move I still think often of Ethin and the life we were supposed to have.
I have also realized that there will never be a good reason that he is gone and I will never stop missing him or wanting him here, but I do know that while the pain is there God will always give me enough Grace to get through it.

Good News Always Feels Great!

Well last week in our home we had good news to share, but had to wait until everyone involved knew.  There really is something fun about sharing a secret with Phil that only we knew!  I think what was so nice about it was knowing it was something that just we shared even if only for a few days.  It also did not amaze me how many people emailed me or called to ask if we were getting married!  LOL  We are not getting married YET.  However we have in great length talked about it!  So back to the good news...

The backstory........Phil and I have been together for over two years now.  In those two years I have fallen completely in love with this man.  However there are things about him that I love more than others.  For instance I love his dedication & committment to whatever he is doing, the drive he has to not just be the best but to be better than the best, the way he is all in or nothing.  I see these traits in him all the time with our kids, when he coaches, a house/yard project, and a lot with his job. 

Phil works for a very well known bank.  He is always on extra projects, volunteering at activities, giving presentations.  His job requires him to go to Ohio for a week at a time and has required him to spend weeks in other cities.  At best not including coaching or sleeping time Monday through Friday Phil has maybe 15 hours a week that can be dedicated to the kids and I however normally he will work from home leaving only 10 hours for us.  I never try to complain about this as I know his job is very important to him.

Phil is also very goal orientated when it comes to his job.  He has a ten year plan to be at the corporate headquarters for the bank he works for.  (Right now he in Grand Rapids which is the Michigan corporate offices).  Well about 2 months ago he came home from work and told me his boss had put in a two week notice and he was going to post for the job.  I immediately began praying that God would prepare Phil for his interviews and give Phil the knowing that he could do this.  Two weeks ago Phil had a conference call interview with the corporate bosses in Cinncinnati.  That day I prayed that Phil would have the right answers and that the interviewers would make the right choice.  The following day Phil interviewed face to face with his old boss and again I just prayed that he would do well and feel God's prescence that no matter how it went, it was God's plan not his.  

These last couple weeks I have prayed that if Phil was to have the job we as a family would follow that, but that if Phil having that job did not fit as God's plan for us that He would lay understanding in our hearts.  Phil and I both wanted this for him.  Well last week Thursday while Phil was finishing his vacation the phone rang and it was the HR department from his work to tell him that they had chosen him for the job!  Phil got the job and he even said he did not think he was going to.  I told him I just knew he would that I had prayed so much for this and I knew how much he deserved it!

So today Phil starts in his new position at work.  This means there is no boss in Grand Rapids for him. He will report to the people in Ohio.  It also means that there will be less family time.  It does also bring him one step closer to the goal he has set to one day be in Cinncinati!  Yes I guess eventually I will leave MI and go to OH.  We will not move there till the kids are graduated so I guess we have a few years, but I am very proud of him and I am very thankful for the answered prayers!  God has answered so many prayers this past week for us.  

I know you were all hoping our good news was wedding bells, but not yet!  

And just cuz I finally got these pictures downloaded here is Phil and I at the Chicago Cubs vs Detroit Tigers  game in June at Wrigley Field!

Love to you all,

Jessica

Field Of Dreams

It has been a picture taken two years prior to this and it is a picture that was taken this year?  Start guessing now and at the end of the post I will share a picture!

So it has been discovered that Jessa is a very good catcher at 10 years old.  A very natural ability to do this job on the field!  She went to All-Stars and caught 6 innings there as well as caught 2-3 every game we played.  She plays shortstop when she is not behind the plate.  Which she also fields well.  However it was her catching skills that everyone began to talk about.  And so in July after softball season was done she went to Michigan State University catchers camp!  I wanted to share this picture of her....

Here she is sitting in the dugout at Secchia Field....

MSU softball is also a big deal to my little ten year old as she imagine it is a MSU fan.  She has always wanted to be a veterinarian and wants to go to MSU for her education and play softball for them!  She was able to meet the coaches of Spartan softball; Head Coach Jaquie Josephn who Jessa said she was scared of and she was great to watch, but honestly she intimidated me a lot!  She was awesome though! I was able to get a few greatideas to help me coach my teams next season.  However Jessa worked with Assistant Coach Jessica Bograkos most of the day and loved her!  It was fun to watch and the Spartans softball program put on a great camp for the girls.

For Jessa the day was so much more than drills!  This day was a dream for her to play on Secchia Field where the Spartans play.  For her to work with a coaches that she truly admires was a great feeling.  Jessa has every intention of continuing to play softball behind the plate and hopes that one day she will be scouted to play for MSU.  Until then she'll play for Newaygo.  When we got home from camp that day she said, "Mom, the field was so big and the stands it felt so real to be there catching behind the Spartan plate.  Ya know mom that is my field of dreams there at that stadium!"  Keep Dreaming Jessa dreams come true!

In other fields of dreams does anyone have a guess about the other picture I wanted to share with you?

Of course it is Phil and I at our Annual Donate Life Tigers game.  This is the 3rd year that we went to this game and look we are still in love and happy!  (Note the left hand on chest still no ring!)  The day was hot and I do not mean a little I am talking a game time temperature of 100 degrees!  We were able to see some great friends; Schomakers, Butchers, & the Spehn's.  We were also able to see a shutout game on our field of dreams as the Tigers fell 0-13 against the dominating Angels......YIKES!!!

Phil and I also went to Wrigley Field this summer and watched the Tigers and the Cubs.  This series of games at Wrigley Field only happens every six years so it was awesome to be there!  Oh and we did watch Justin Verlander pitch as well as the Tigers beat the Cubs.  

I would say over all we had a summer filled with our fields of dreams!  

What Do You Say?

In the last 3 years I have come across many parents that have lost their children now.  parents who are bereaved less time than me and some longer.  I have also seen friends I love dearly lose their children.  Honestly having to bury your own child should be a crime.  While it breaks my heart when I meet any parent who has had to face this awful task I have found in the last three years that is the moms I know personally that hurt the worst for me.

This is not about me and I do not want to sound selfish, but it hurts not just because I remember all to well what it feels like to plan a funeral I never imagined I would, but I feel like I am supposed to know what to say to them and I do not.  I never know what to say to parents who have had to face this awful loss.  As a parent who lost my son I know what not to say, but have difficulty finding the right words to say.  I never know what to say, because really there is nothing I can say that will make it easier.  

This is not just a random thing today.  A friend of mine passed away this week and his funeral is on Saturday.  His name is Jonathan and he had the most infectious smile, gave the best hugs, extremely respectful, and never had a problem expressing himself.  I have bought many of Jessa's clothes from his little sister who also helped raise money for EHSB.  His mother was my boss for 3 years and we have always kept in contact.  I know his whole family, but my heart breaks the most for his mom.  I just can not seem to find the words for her.

I have another friend that lost her young son 2 years ago.  My daughter Jayde and her son Gagge went to school together and I helped her coach his soccer team one season (learned he had a CHD) which is how I met her.  To this day I do not know what to say to her.  She is still very heart broken.  I love her and can not make this better for her.  No amount of conversations will ease the pain.  So what am I supposedd to do for these friends; What Do You Say?

The part of me that wants them to know the truth wants to blurt it out, but that seems harsh.  The part of me that just wants to ease their pain wants to say whatever they need to hear.  Of course I want to tell them how sorry I am that I know the pain, but I do not know their pain exactly.  I so wish that I knew what to say.  I so wish that these things just didn't happen.....

Jessica

I Have Missed This.....

Well when I first looked at this blog and seen that I have not blogged in so long I was fairly taken back as I remember how vital writing was to me when this journey on blogging/carepages started.  I have said many times in the last few months that I missed writing.  I guess it is time to just get back to it.  Not sure where to start after all this time has passed, but I guess a good catch up for starters would pry be a nice start for all of you right?!
Jessa is going to start middle school in two weeks....I am nerve racked that my first born is going to be in middle school already!  Orientation is next week for her and I really wish she was not growing up so fast!  She is so funny and caring!  I am still amazed at the way she is.  She had a very successful softball season this past spring moving into a catchers position!  She made it to All-Stars and then went to Michigan State's softball catchers camp in July.  She is also learning that you can be fashionable and modest at the same time!
Jonathin starts 4th grade in two weeks.  He is excited about his teacher and I am fearful that him and Owen (Phil's son) in the same class may be a bad thing!  Time will tell....Otherwise Jonathin had a not as successful baseball season, but enjoyed being on Phil's team.
Jayde starts 3rd grade in a couple weeks and that means she is in the big elementary school.....Hard to believe that she too is venturing into a new school.  She had her last year of coach pitch baseball and will venture into softball next spring and has also decided that she wants to play basketball.  She is growing to be quite the athlete.
Which I guess brings me to Phil....Well I am happy to report that we are still together.  We are still just dating.  I look at the last two plus years with him and boy has some of it been challenging.  I suppose that helps me to appreciate the fact that I would have only wanted to share it with him.  He is still my best friend, my favorite team mate, and honestly he holds the key to my heart.  However when I say that it has been trying it has truly had its moments of trials, but has also had moments of pure joy! We have shared many adventures together and I hope there are many more to come, but there are times it seems to me that I can not get past the part that truly wants to marry this man and share all of my life and family with him.  More often than not I am very torn by this subject....Any advice would be greatly appreciated and yes he knows I want to get married.....
Alright so June marked three years that Ethin has been gone.  Hard to imagine three years went by so fast yet so slowly! I still miss him very much and have a hard days, but my life has truly gone on.  My J Triplets and I still speak his name often.  For Phil it is a hard thing for him to comprehend, but he tries his best though his words are usually not good.  He has slowly learned to say  nothing and just wrap me in his arms and listen.  Hard to believe where my life is and all because of Ethin's life.....
Ethin's life has taught me great lessons.  I have for one learned that the only healing I will ever get does come from my Heavenly Father.  He has cried so much for me and with me.  I am His child and He has loved me through this.  I also have learned that no matter how long a life is they all hold a deep purpose in His plan.  I have come to the conclusion also that my purpose no matter how big or small will take a long time to fulfill. While I am a bereaved mother I still find that I never know what to say to other bereaved parents which breaks my heart.  To comprehend the fullness of losing Ethin is still something I deal with.  It has never gotten easier, but the heart stabbing pain has lessened with time; though I am not saying it does not still hurt, because it does.
God has perfectly crafted my life.  He has put everyone in it that I would need!!  I am greatly looking forward to school starting, because that means women's Bible study starts too.  We will be studying Esther with Beth Moore!  God has greatly blessed my life and I am thankful to Him who is my Rock and Refuge!

God Bless and Keep Always,

Jessica

WAY TO LONG!!!

Well I guess Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday Tater Tot, Happy New Year, MSU won the Outback Bowl, Happy Valentine's Day, Happy St. Patrick's Day, and MSU won the Big 10 tournament!!!!  I think that catches me up, but not sure?!  LOL   It really has been a very long time since I last wrote wich strikes me as odd seems that this used to be my biggest escape from life.  Allowing the Spirit to work through me and type on my computer something that needed to be said.  Whew that was winded!  

Well Thanksgiving was alright here we all are and I mean all of us like a family Phil, the kids, his parents, and I!!

 So in the back there is me, Phil and Rylee, middle row Jayde, Jonathin, Owen, Jessa, and in the front GP & Papa.....The boys clearly not thrilled about pictures, but otherwise not a bad bunch!

 This is Phil and I with our kids minus Jonathin who refused to take another picture!  We might be Lions fans! LOL we had to wear our jerseys for the annual Lions Thanksgiving Day game!

Rylee Phil's daughter and I....This girl sure is something special, but someone should have warned me that teens are different than children!!!  Boy do I love her though!!

A nice dinner just the two of us after Thanksgiving!!!

Phil and I at the Outback showing EHSB support to Faith's Angels

Then there was Christmas and 5 kids at Christmas Whoa that was a lot!!!

 My kiddos at Christmas; Jessa, jonathin, and Jayde

Phil and I.....wow celebrating holidays with him is different

Merry Christmas from us to you!

Michigan weather has been very weird this year so outdoor winter family pictures have no snow, but we did not freeze!!!!  Here are a few of those then the blog cuz we will be all caught up!

Jessa, Me, Jonathin, and Jayde

 Walking the Bridge

 Sitting by the creek

 We love MSU!!!  Family hats!

Too cute!  Cost me $5 but I got the shot!

OK So now we are brought to present day!  As you can see the J Triplets are getting big and growing like weeds.  They are all doing well in school and getting ready to start softball and baseball.  Our spring is always busy with sports for them and me!

I guess I felt compelled to write today as I continue to have random thoughts about so many things.  I have been missing Ethin a great deal lately and so badly wish he were still here with me on Earth.  It has still never gotten better always and continually gotten different.  And life is different than what I dreamed it would be, but we have found our new normal.  God truly walked me through this heartache and I am so thankful for that.  

Ethin would be 3 now and it still hurts to think about him, but I am still overly joyed when I think about his time with Jesus and what is going on up there.

So this week I found out some things about my biological mother that made me cringe.  Something I have never talked about is my mother as the way I grew up was so bizarre, abusive, and honestly tragic.  It really was like one of those nightmares you read about in books.  As I learned more about her and the things she did in the last few days it is no wonder I have tried to forget her.  

It got me to thinking though what if what is wrong with her is genetic.  What if I myself could become like that?  I know I never wanted kids because of her, but then I had them and I just knew I never wanted to be her.  Having this stuff come up this week though has stirred many emotions and memories and nightmares for me.  

All in all I think my biggest thing right now is why did God let so much happen to one person?  How is it that my entire life has been on tragedy after another?  I do know that while it all happened to me I look at it and think there is no way.  My sister in law told me today that I am a survivor and she is right I am a survivor and it all happened, but it also made me the woman, mother, friend, and person that I am.  God shaped me from all the tragedy into this.  Whatever this is, it is me!

Busy Busy Here!

Well I guess it has been a while huh????.....Sorry for that.  Life here is so busy and just really NEVER slows down at all.  Weird how even through the never ending daily life Ethin is always still right there.  I would assume that it will always be that way, but maybe one day it will ease up.  Even when everything is perfect and going well he is really always just a constant thought. 
Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde are all doing great.  Jonathin turned 9 last month and Jessa will be 10 before the month is up.  I still can not believe that I have these three amazing people in my life.  How blessed am I?!  They all appear to be doing well in school, but tomorrow I will find out for sure as I have conferences for them all.  I somehow am not even worried about Jessa, Jayde will pry be alright, and for the first time I think that I am going to hear a lot of great progressions for Jonathin.  Jessa is almost done with basketball season.  Jonathin and Jayde will be starting basketball.  And Phil's son Owen is done with football, but basketball is almost here for him as well.  Which means we will be very busy.
So yes Phil and I are still together and doing well.  Our lives are so busy, but we still find time to maintain us.  I work thirds, he works firsts, and I bowl every other Saturday when we are kid free.  It does make it hard to find time for each other, but when we do it is always very nice!  We spend every other weekend with 5 kids between the two of us and that is always fun....OK mostly fun.  With five kiddos sometimes it is not perfect, but they are kids and mostly we are just thankful that they get along as well as they do.
Well one great thing in this house is fall.....Fall means a ton of yard work, but it also means Michigan State football which in this family is a BIG deal!  Phil's family has season tickets to MSU for football season and that means someone is always at Spartan Stadium for a game!  I went with Phil's dad Phil to my very first MSU football game!  It was Central Michigan and State and we won!  Here are a few pics from the day.

 Me in front of the Magic Johnson statue outside of the Breslin Center at MSU

 Phil Sr. and I in front of the statue...I am so blessed to have such a great relationship with Phil's family

 Me on the Daughtery Football wall

 I was so happy!!  I am a HUGE MSU fan

So after going to the CMU vs. MSU game I was offered a ticket to the Michigan vs Michigan State game....Now anyone from Michigan knows that this is a BIG game!  I am a die hard MSU fan and could only in my dreams have ever imagined going to this very big game.  I was given the ticket by some friends and I went to the best football game ever in the history of football games!

 Michigan State Spartans getting ready to make their walk to the field....I can see my favorite player here...

Coach Dantonio leading the Spartans and the player on the far readers right is Kurt Cousins the amazing 5th year senior quarterback for the Spartans!

 The captains meet in the middle!

 I was so stoked, but it was a chilly day!

We won we beat Michigan for the fourth year in a row!  The game was amazing the environment was awesome and just being there is still very unbelievable to me!  Thank you Brian for the ticket and thank you to Phil Sr. for taking me with him and making it the most epic trip ever!

So I have no new pics of anything else that has happened here as my camera broke! :(  However I will tell you that I have almost everything I have ever wanted right now.  I have amazing kids, an amazing boyfriend, and I am loving life....My life has been different since June 27, 2009, but it just keeps getting better!  I will write again soon as the holidays are coming and to be honest I am still not a big fan, but I am thankful I am so very thankful for my life and the gifts that God has given me!

ReVamped

Well here I go again revamping the blog......I think I continue to find that as life continues to change here I want the blog to reflect that also!  I mean so much is always changing here especially the J Triplets!!!  I mean can you believe how much they have grown and changed since our journey began just over two and a half years ago?  I can't and so I thought I would show you a then and now picture of each of them in this blog.  Also Phil and I have now been together for 15 months as well!!!  There is a constant change happening here and I would say it really is good.  Reflecting on what was and knowing and living in the what is has been how life has been for quite some time.  Never forgetting Ethin, but seeing how his life has shaped the lives around us and how we live ours has been a delicate dance and I would say now it is a way of life for us.
Ethin changed who we were as a family when he entered this world January 9, 2009.  He continued to change us while he was here and we see his hands in everything we do now too.  Jessa just the other day said to me, "Mom I want to run Ethin's Heart Still Beats when I get bigger."  Jonathin all the time says he wishes he had Ehtin here, but loves that he has Ethin everywhere.  Jayde still cries and I still tell her that it is OK cuz I cry too.  However the tears have slowed down and I continue to try and see God's blessings each and everyday.
Just the other day I went out to the cemetery.  It is normally a very quiet place for me to think, pray, talk to God, and talk to Ethin.  While I was there for the first time in just over two years I felt a great sense of peace.  When Ethin was born they said that it was as if he was born with just half a heart.  When Ethin died I said his heart was whole, because he took half of mine with him.  As I sat there last week I realized that Ethin is in all of my heart and that my heart as broken and as hurt as it was feels almost whole again and full of love and happiness.  If Ethin never would have existed I would not have met so many people or have so many of the friends I do.  If Ethin were still here I would not be head over heels in love with the most amazing, patient, and understanding man ever.  You see Ethin's life and death has shaped my whole life.  While my plans and dreams, and hopes all changed on June 27, 2009, God had already been laying out the life HE intended for me to lead.  HE was putting everything in place for me to succeed into the woman HE would need me to be to be a good mother to the J Triplets and to be the woman that Phil needed too. 
I am learning a lot these days when it comes to relationships.  Phil and I have required much understanding and patience for one another.  While we clearly have a lot of fun together we also have moments that are difficult.  I to this day am not even sure how he has watched me go through two June 27th's and stayed right by my side through it.  He allows me to cry if I need to and has even told me he doesn't know what to do for me, but he does just what I need him to do; he never gives up on me!  Phil and I talked about if Ethin were still here and we are both very sure that we would not be together as my life would have led me down a completely different path.  There is a great understanding from Phil though that I would give this up for Ethin to be here.  However that is not the case and that has opened up a way and a light for Phil to be a very present part of my life!  Just in case I forget to mention I honestly believe that Phil is the LOVE of my LIFE....Through heartache, heart break, tears, loss, and fear he is truly the one man I can not imagine my life without!  I am blessed!
The J Triplets........As promised here they are just two weeks before Ethin was born.....................

Jayde almost 5, Jessa 7, and Jonathin 6

And here they are now.....................................

Jayde 7.5, Jonathin 8.5, and Jessa 9.5

Can you believe how much they have grown and changed in the last 2 1/2 years?  I sometimes can not!  I so badly wish so many times that they were teeny tiny small again.  Jessa will be 10 in just about two months and she just started her last year in the elementary school as a 5th grader.  She in three weeks of school advanced herself into being an independent reader and seems to be doing well.  She still amazes me everyday as she just finished memorizing the books in the Old Testament.  Jonathin will be 9 in one month and just started school in the upper elementary school here as a 3rd grader.  When he smiles I see Ethin every now and then.  They looked a lot alike when they were babies and so when I wonder what Ethin would like as he grew up I look at Jonathin's pictures and his smile now.  Jayde will be 8 at the end of December and just started her last year in the lower elementary school as a 2nd grader.  Jayde is still unaware that there is a world around her, but I think that is what makes her so much fun and it is for sure what makes her a handful!  These are the J Triplets these are my babies.  They will always be my babies.  I am so blessed that I get to watch the three of them play and learn and grow together.  

Phil also has two kids that I honestly feel completely blessed to be a part of their lives well.  I love the life I am living even though a part of me is missing.  I still have those feelings where I feel opposite things at the same time.  I feel so full yet I know there is a piece missing.  I have days where I am happy and can still shed a tear.  All things are different, but this different truly has become my new normal.  I have different dreams now than I did two and half years ago.  I have fallen in love and fall more everyday!  I love being a mom and know how lucky I am to be one.  So the blog title is still Ethin's Heart Still Beats and I still have the same thing on the title above....Learning to live with part of me in Heaven...Love Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow....I added until the day after forever as a reflection of my love for my children and Phil!  I hope to continue to share our life with all of you and thank you for being such a part of our lives still!  Thank you for continuing to support my family and I.  Thank you for your prayers and your love!  My life is so blessed!!!

Emergency Surgery....Recovery.....Planned Surgery......Fully Fuctional 2 days later!

I wish that I blogged more than I do!!!  I just never can find the time or the words to say!  But I am going to start making a much better and more honest effort at doing it.  Not because things are bad all the time actually just the opposite, but because you have all shared so much of this journey with my family and I that I want you to be a part of our journey as we do continue to grow and Live!!!  Sooooo On with it then right???
This adventure all began about 3 weeks ago....Phil and I spent the evening and night hours together with our combined 5 kiddos.  It was a great day, but a twice through the day I had this tearing feeling in my right abdomen.  I however just continued to go on with the day once the pain had subsided.  Our kiddos ages: 7,8, 8, 9, & 14 Were all running through the dark night playing Ghost in the Graveyard having a blast laughing and yelling while Phil and I sat by the bonfire in his backyard.  To be honest with you it was the best sound ever hearing our children all getting along so well as let me tell you that it is not always the case!  At 11pm the kids went in and Phil and I continued to enjoy the fire and the new found quietness!  When we got up from the fire at around 12:45am I had a terrible back ache and was cold.....To me there was a logical reason for both of these issues; 1. Phil's bonfire chairs are hard plastic and 2. I was near a fire and now was not therefore I should be cold!
Phil and rallied my troops up together.  My back hurt so Phil carried Tater Tot to the car while I rallied the older two picking up shoes, sweatshirts, and sandals.  Once in the car and headed home I blasted the heat and we were home and in bed by 1:15.  At 1:30 I was still cold and said to myself, "Self I think you are running a small fever you should take Tylenol."  So I got up took some meds and went to sleep.  That cat nap lasted until 2am when I woke up shivering so hard Jessa woke up and thought I was having a seizure.  At this time I thought man I am really sick!  I called a friend of mine who has a medical background and asked him to come to my house ASAP.  Jessa found the thermometer and we took my temp the best we could as I could not keep my mouth closed around the thermometer because my teeth were chattering so hard.  Jessa looked at the digits and said, "Mom it says 1 0 33"  I interpreted that to be 103.3.
Five minutes went and my friend Jake came through the door and Jessa told him my temp.  He looked at me and said, "We need to get you in a tub of cool water."  I was so exhausted and hurt so bad I just shook my head and said no.  Jake began to pick me up and realized quickly that my temp was high and he wanted to take another temp which came out to be 104.7.  His plan quickly changed and we were going to the ER.  I called Phil who had been sleeping and told him I was very sick with a fever and in his sleepy voice and calmness said, "It's just a fever I will talk you through it."  Jake got me and my kids to the car we dropped off my kids and arrived at the local ER around 3am.
By this time I was hallucinating from the fever and my body hurt so very badly that when they asked what was wrong with me I could not give them an answer as my whole body ached and my brain was boiling!  My temp was now 105.3......An IV was started and my temp began to subside and the little red monsters I was seeing also disappeared.  The docs again asked what was wrong.  By now the only things that really hurt was my abdomen, my right flank, and my head.  They decided that peeing in a cup and blood tests would determine my ailments.  Before long they came in my room with the UA results and said it did not show any white blood cells and only showed 1 gram negative and one bacteria so nothing screamed that my bladder or Urinary tract was the issue.  However my blood test showed enough white blood cells that they new I was very sick somewhere.  Being that I had abdomen pain they decided to look at my appendix.
At around 7am I was getting a CT scan of my appendix.  At 8am they changed doctors and let me know that my appendix looked fine, but I had a large kidney stone and my kidney was 2 1/2 times the size it should be.  They also let me know they were calling another hospital and a surgeon to see what the overall general consensus was on how to treat me.  By 8:30 they came to tell me I was being transferred via ambulance to another hospital I was loaded up and enroute by 8:45.  I arrived at Mercy at 9:10 and at 9:15 the surgeon came in and said after reviewing my charts and test results I was septic and would be in surgery at 9:30.....I was in so much pain but looked at the clock and said that was in 15 minutes he said yep see you in the OR shortly....HELLO SURGERY!!!!!
Well I called Phil right away I only had 15 minutes to tell someone that I was headed for surgery and I was at this hospital alone!  Now on a side note I just need to fill you in on my boyfriend......Phil is very calm and level headed.  I would say this is a great thing, because in the worst situations he is under control.  However it is a bad thing to as I am not always sure if he is worried about anything EVER!  Anyhow I called him and his calmness at that moment and his steady assurance of the situation was amazing.....I told him what was happening and his very calm yet sturdy strong voice he simply said this, "Everything is going to be OK I love you."  I told him I loved him too and we hung up.
As I hung up that phone call the Operating Room (OR) people were there taking an inventory of my things and wheeling me down a hall.  I was placed on another bed and told to begin thinking of a happy thought....My thought was the conversation I had just shared with my boyfriend.  I clearly was put to sleep and a 20 minute surgery turned into 45 minutes and I woke up screaming in pain in the recovery room.  They made me comfortable and I was taken to a room upstairs where they would continue to treat my septic state.  Phil showed up at 1pm after he had taken care of his children and also he gave up a golfing event to be with me.  Another insider on my guy he lives to play golf in the warm months!!! We snuggled down on my hospital bed took a nap and watched the Tigers game together.  Oh how romantic we are!!!!  Phil left and I was given drugs and quickly fell asleep.
Monday morning the surgeon came and talked to me.  He told me that I was very sick and would need surgery again in a few weeks.  He also let me know what he did.  He placed a stint from right kidney to my bladder.  He also let me know that he was surprised to see me doing so great after being septic.  Later Monday afternoon they released me from the hospital and I was brought home.  Phil set up a ride as he was working and before I knew it I was leaving the hospital just as quickly as I had gotten there.
Fast forward to three days ago.....I arrived at the hospital for my scheduled surgery to fix my kidney and my inards.  Phil and I trekked the hour to the hospital and the medical peeps began to prep me for surgery.  As they wheeled me away I grabbed Phil's hand he kissed me and said, "See you in a little while."  I told him, "I love you." as the tears rolled down my cheeks I was so scared.  He simply said, "I love you too."  As I drifted off to sleep again I thought of Phil and the love we share.  When I awoke in the recovery room the first thing I said was Phil.  I asked right away for him.  After they got me comfortably drugged up so I was not in pain they wheeled me to where he was waiting and the first thing the nurse said was, "You must be Phil she asked for you as soon as she woke up."  I guess some things are just so perfectly put together that nothing not even a surgery can get them off your mind!  Phil ended up taking care of me Thursday night.  What a good man he is cuz I am a terrible baby when I am not feeling well.
By Friday morning when I woke up I felt fantastic.  That was the best I had felt since this whole kidney issue began 2 1/2 weeks prior.  So I went on with a normal day and looked forward to Friday Night Lights!!!  Yes Football season!  I LOVE the fall season and all it brings; crisp air, football, beautiful colors, football, cooler weather, and did I mention football?  Friday nights in this small town and the towns that are surrounding us are a big deal even if you have a team going into a game that is 0-20.....Yes going into Friday nights game against our school rival we had a record of 0-20.....Friday nights game was AMAZING!!!!  Phil and I are both Alumni and our children also attend Newaygo and as we watched our team not only give Grant a wooping but we watched them shut em out!  The final score was 42-0 and Newaygo had finally won a game!!!!  As the game ended and we all stood on our feet to clap along to the fight song it was an amazing feeling watching the football players run to the victory bell and finally ring it after so many games had gone by without it ever being rung for a victory!  Yes we are onto something I do believe!
Yesterday was a very busy day for us even though we did not have kiddos.  The EHSB golf outing was in the morning and we netted just over $400.  Then Phil coaches his son O in football and their first game was yesterday afternoon.  To top it off we had a wedding reception to attend as well!  Needless to say as I sit and finish typing this blog that I started on Friday morning I feel very relaxed to finally have a second to breathe and a minute to complete some thoughts!
Over the Labor Day holiday we had a huge storm rip through our small town and my kids and I also spent some time with good friends floating down the river and camping.  I am going to share pictures from everything that has been happening from the river trip to yesterday!!!!  I will try to be better about updating, but I can make no firm promises! 

 Whitcaps game for Faith's Angels a nonprofit that raises money fr the research of CHD's

Amanda (Heart mom to Carlee), Carlee, Myself, and Monica (Heart Mom to Faith a CHD Angel)

 Carlee CHD Warrior and I at the game!!!

 Jayde and Liz on the river....No she did not drink the liquid that was in that bottle!

 The J Triplets being river rats

 Jessa in her tube

Loving the river life!

Where's Jessa????

 The first place team from The Kidz Garage Daycare

 Phil and I 2 days post op at the Golf Outing

 Look at that swing!!!

 Myself, Rick, and Ryan

Look at that trophy

 Phil and I at the reception....I kinda really Love this guy

 Dancing to My Best Friend by Tim McGraw

 Dancing to some Def Leopard at the reception!

Ethin however is really on my mind today and besides you all love this face anyhow!!!

I love you Punk!

Never Forgotten 9/11

 

Urgent prayers Please!!!

Well I feel like I rarely write anymore and now I come to you all begging you to please pray for a very special little girl......Brittney Butcher is a wonderful young lady who received a heart transplant in December of 2008....Her family is amazing and supported not only my family when Ethin was at Mott but so many others too. Monday night Brittney was admitted to Mott's PCTU and it was discovered that her heart was only functioning at 25%. Since then her heart is functioning at even less than that. Her kidneys and liver are taking a hit from the rejection of this heart. Britt started dialysis and they are trying to clean her plasma as a way to treat rejection.
Brittney is such an amazing kid and I feel so blessed to know her. She is a part of my family and so is her whole family. She has to pull through this. Please pray for her and her whole family. Visit their carepage and leave a note of encouragement....Thank you for this!Her care page is as follows http://www.carepages.com/carepages/Brittneybutcher

A year later pics then and Now....It's all Good!!!!

Ya know I recall pry writing a post about a year after Ethin had passed away.....This post will not be like that at all.......Just over a year ago I started to date my best friend....We went to a Tigers game together for the Donate Life game.  We had so much fun last year.....And well last night we went to that game together again....Yes a year later still just loving being with him.  Boy am I blessed!!!  Here are a few pics.....

Last Year Tommy and I

Peace out!!!

I love this kid

Being goofy Rally Capping....This boy last year could not get enough of me

This year I had to beg for these two pics!!!

He is my buddy though!!!

And then here is Phil and I last year

So fresh in our relationship.....And this year

 Well take one He smiled but was still watching the game!!  LOL I love it!!

Take two We still look good and Man am I in love!!!

By the way the Tigers won 6-5 and well that my friends makes for a great night we relived our second date and it was amazing....I could not have asked for more a good game, awesome friends to share it with, and Phil I am seriously the luckiest girl in the whole world!!!