After The Rush of it All

Alright well I guess I will start by saying this: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


Whew that felt good.  I needed to get that out.  Yeppers that was me doing a blogger scream.  I needed to do that for a number of reasons.  which I am sure you will figure out through this whole blog.  I guess I should apologize for not writing much lately.  It is no that I do not have anything to say the problem is that I have a lot to say and am not sure how to say it.  So I am just going to say it after all this is my blog and my journey through life after the loss of my son and trying to find life for myself and the J triplets.
I will start with this that there is nothing worse than getting a message on my blog or carepage from someone that leaves a message that really just ticks me off.  Now I know that it may not be on purpose that it made me mad, but it did get me riled up and thinking that some people just may not ever understand.  When I say I am burned out and having nothing left I know that I have my other kids but remember that none of my children are replaceable for the one that I lost and even though I have them it does not EVER ease the pain that I do not have Ethin.  I am burnt out from being stressed over everything and putting myself out there that when it was all done I was just tired.  So I have things, but I may not have the energy that you want me to have I also may not have all the ability to do everything you expect of me.  If this is hard for anyone to understand send me an email I will try my best to explain it better, but otherwise do not leave a nameless comment to me.  It is hurtful and quite offensive that anyone would judge me and not be able to put a name to yourself.
In this journey of my life I have learned many things along the way.  I would even say most things have been anything but easy for me to learn, but I am learning and this that I am going through right now is still very new to me and I am still trying to figure out the balance of losing my son and living without him.  Be gentle and understand that as much as you want me to be OK I want that five times more than you do.  I appreciate that there are so many that still follow my family's and my journey through this, but I have never asked you to go through this with me.  So when you read what you read take it at face value for the words that I could find to use to describe things and do not read into them.  I have recently been told that it is hard to read my blogs and again I refer to the previous statement that I have not asked you to watch my pain through these words.  I continue to write and find it therapeutic for myself and I do know that it has helped others in their grief so I am not going to stop allowing my raw feelings to pour into my computer.  I tried an update once where I sugar coated it and all I got was more people that were concerned than anything.
This is MY journey through life without my son trying to find reason and trying to ground myself for my other children.  I love them so much and all I want is to be here for them, but that is not always an easy task.  It is not always easy to face them and their questions about Ethin or any of the stuff that has happened as I truly do not think I always have the answers that they are looking for as well I do not always have the best words for any of you when you ask things.  This is OK as my children and I are truly learning to do this together.  They are as much a part of me as Ethin, but they are still very different than Ethin and no matter what can not replace him so stop telling me to remember my other children.  I NEVER forgot that I have them.  If anything it has truly made me look at them and realize how precious my time is with them.  Losing Ethin made me appreciate them so much more.  I never want to miss a thing with them.  They are my world just as they were before, but that does not mean that I forgot about Ethin in this world.  It means that I have to try to balance that and it is not always easy.
So it has been over 6 months now since Ethin has been gone and the pain and memories are still just as real today as they were in June when it happened.  Except now everything I do I say in the back of my head, "What if Ethin were here?"  I know it seems like a dumb question, but in my mind and in my head he is there and I always wonder.  What if Ethin were here?  Oh how I wish I could have traded places with him.  Taken the crappy heart and given him mine.  Allowed him to live his life and grow.  I just miss him so much lately that it at times is very unbearable.  The sense of responsibility and guilt that has consumed me lately for Ethin is overwhelming at times.  All my inner being is very consumed by a lot of things that surrounded Ethin's life and death.  Wow did I really just write that???  Death sounds so morbid and I have tried to never sound harsh about it.  However perhaps the reality is sinking in.
The responsibility I was given when I had Ethin has been on my mind a lot lately.  I already had 3 amazing children who were my life and I had to make very hard decisions for them when I got ready to have Ethin.  I then had Ethin and had to make literally life changing decisions for him.  Every decision I made for Ethin was a life or death thing.  What an awful feeling to have that on my hands.  To know that I was responsible for everything that happened.  I have the guilt that comes with that responsibility.  The guilt that runs through me from all of it is consuming.  I know you can all tell me that it is not my fault, but it does not alieviate it.

Alright onto other things.......
So once the ball was done I seriously realized very quickly that I could not take a break I could not allow myself to slow down.  With all of that in mind came lots of ideas and a heaviness n my heart that required much prayer.  This is all the things taht have come up......


February 16, 2010 The Newaygo Lions Have Heart Game will be happening in Newaygo.  Our Varsity basket ball team will be wearing Royal Blue Jerseys with Red trim to honor CHD week and to help raise money that will be donated to U of M Mott Heart Center!!!!  These jerseys will be sponsored and be in memory of a heart Warrior or Angel.  There will be T-Shirts for sale also.  I will let you know all the details as it unfolds. 
I have nit said anything in a while about this and need to as it is an important thing to me, but with the ball I got very busy.  Cuddles From the Heart MI is still collecting blankets to hand out to DeVos Children's Hospital in Grand Rapids MI in April of 2010.  We are off to a decent start, but need 100's more to make sure every child there will get a blanket.  These blankets need to be new store bought or newly homemade blankets for children ranging in size from newborn to teens.  There really is nothing better than having a blanket you can call your own while in the hospital.  After we hand out to DeVos we will still collect to hand out to Detroit Children's Hospital in August and then continue to collect to hand out to U of M Mott hospital in December.  We can do this I just know it!!!!


Also after much prayer and thought I am happy to say that I will be going to college this fall.  I am hoping to start at Calvin and study Ministry and small business management this fall.  I am excited about this decision.  I also starting tomorrow am going to start helping with worship planning at my church!!!  Please keep both of these things in your prayers. 

Updates on other kiddos!!!

Logan: Is still recovering from his surgery he had on Thursday.  They discovered a pleural effusion and will be keeping an eye on that please pray for him.
Jordan: She is recovering on the generl care floor now too.  She is only wearing leads and no more IV's and tubes.  Please contiue to pray for her as well.
Andrew:  Had his heart cath Friday and recovered and was home all in the same day!  However they are looking at surgery for Andrew in the next year.  Please keep him in your prayers.
Derrick:  D is having his surgery tomorrow.  Please keep him and his parents in prayer.  Tomorrow will be a long day and they will need those prayers.

Blessings,
Jessica