2 Years Really??

Hard to believe that it has now been a full two years.  I have woke up for two years since my son died and today I woke up for two years since I watched them lower a casket that should never have been made into the ground holding MY son!  Oh dear God.........Two years has passed and the world still has never stopped or even slowed down.  My world paused briefly, but as the world went on I learned that mine needed to as well.
After two years of following our family I am sure that you would all agree that it has gotten very different.  I am telling you that it still is not any easier today as I write, nor is it better.....just different.  Even the things I never thought would be different are different.
When we get in the van to go anywhere there is an empty seat that should be filled with a 2 1/2 year old blue eyed little boy and he's not there.  When we eat there is no mess on my floor to clean up.  There is no temper tantrums over having to pick up toys, no little guy holding my finger, there is no punk running around at my feet while I make dinner, and there is no little voice saying mommy holding out his arms for me to swoop up into mine.  You see it's all different......
Rather than our house we live in a tiny apartment.  Rather than being a full-time mommy and part time employee I work full time and barely make ends meet, rather than my single life just me and my kids I have this amazing guy, rather than having beautiful flowers in front of my apartment I have flowers at a grave, rather than watching my J Triplets teach Ethin things I watch them cry for him still.....You see it's all different.........
Without Ethin my life would be different too......If Ethin would not have ever existed so much of my life would not be what it is and what it is though at times is hard has truly been a blessing!  Though it is different there is so much in my life that I have because of Ethin.  I miss him every single day!!!  Not a day goes by that I do not miss him that I do not wish it were different than it is.  You see it's all different.....
The J Triplets and I have a very different life than we would have had if Ethin were here, but this is the life we are living.  On June 27th we went to the cemetery and we released balloons.....The first thought in my head was how this is the second time in three days that I had let balloons go to Heaven for a sweet child.  On Friday I had let one go up to the Heavens for Princess Lindsay.  I think that this past week has been the hardest ever.  So much happened in such a short period of time.  You see it's all different........
I do see where I am so lucky and blessed the first person to say anything to me on Monday was Phil and he wrapped his arms around me and said it would be OK that it was alright.  I was crying and he at that point just gave me what I needed.  As the day went on my friend Jeannie helped me out and let me know it was ok, then I had the J Triplets and we went to the cemetery however it was there that I did not even shed a tear and realized how very empty I felt......I felt so completely empty the J Triplets were running around and it was empty I was empty the rest of the day was empty too.  When night fell the kiddos went to bed and Phil came over and I was still empty.....All the things I loved were around me that day and I felt nothing not a thing!  I did not understand it and after Phil left I laid there on the couch with Ethin's monkey and his blanket and suddenly the flood gates that had been holding it all day let it out.  I began to cry and I cried for so long when suddenly I could smell Ethin on his blanket.  I sniffled myself to sleep like I have so many other nights and the week went on and life will go on like this all never happened and the dam in which I truly hate June has been rebuilt for a year.  You see it's all different......
So while I may not write much anymore it is for a lack of time normally, but sometimes just a lack of knowing how to tell you all that I am different than I ever was.  The J Triplets are different too.  We are forever different.  We always think about Ethin and we never stop loving him.....Ethin's life mattered and it mattered to me.  If you stop and think of Ethin for a minute today just smile he did that best.

Suzie You Are Right Heaven Got Sweeter......

Of all the things I do not understand I just do not understand the loss of a child.......I have lost my child and I do not understand it.  I have so many things I want to write and say to my friends that have just lost their child and I can't bring myself to do it.  And so many times I I have so much I want to write and say here and then I just don't do it.  You see I focus so hard on trying to be "normal" that I just stopped acknowledging my grief to the outside world.  Then June came and it started to slip out like a dam with a tiny crack and then Friday I got the text message that Lindsay had gone to Heaven and it completely broke the dam before the 27th of this month.
Two years ago at U of M during the first days of June Ethin and Lindsay were still in moderate care together in the same room, Sofi was in ICU, and the Butcher's came to see us all once a week.  The morning of June 3, 2009 I was walking to Ethin's room and the halls were so full and cramped with so many people and such a commotion.  When I got to Ethin's room I looked over at Suzie and asked what was going on and she told me me Tommy (Ethin's Heart Brother) was getting his new heart. This was a much needed miracle and uplifting thing for the Heart family at Mott as Ethan Bilpo had just passed away on May 20, 2009.  Ethan and Tommy were best buds and Ethan did not get his heart in time.  Tommy received his heart that night and the following day Suzie left the hospital and there I was in the room with Ethin looking over at Lindsay and nurses kept coming in smiling, laughing, & crying going up to Lindsay.  Finally I was told Lindsay was also getting the gift of life a new heart.  Two Hearts in two days.  Lindsay would not be in Ethin's room, but would be in ICU with Tommy and Sofi. Within days Lindsay was out of ICU and in the private room right next to Ethin which had all glass doors my punk was still with the princess!  Lindsay coded and went back to ICU.  Those two weeks were full of ups and downs as Sofi too was still in ICU.  By mid June Tommy, Lindsay, and Ethin were all out on the general floor.  Tommy and Lindsay in private rooms cuz of transplant and Ethin in a normal room.  Sofi was still around the corner in ICU.  Not to be out done the last general care private room was occupied by Britt Butcher who got appendicitis.
At the time it seemed like it just would not have an end, but today I look back and we were all together.  We were a family.  We were all down the hall and just around the corners from one another.  Our beloved Heart Warriors, Princess', Punks they were all alive.  We were all there to hug one another in the middle of the night.  Colleen one night held Ethin after Tommy had fallen asleep but she could not sleep.  I had great conversations with Brett, Colleen, Suzie, and Krissy.  Oh the conversations Krissy and I shared in those hospital walls.  You see we were a unit.  Then it all changed.....
Ethin who really seemed so promising in the heart world the way he fought won his ultimate fight and God scooped him up in his arms and carried home.  That day is etched in my mind as I went back to the hospital.  Britt had been discharged, Sofi in ICU, Lindsay and Tommy at opposite ends of the hall.  However the Butchers came that day to be with me, Krissy (Sofi) NEVER left my side, Colleen (Tommy) updated my carepage, and Suzie & JR (Lindsay) offered a quiet retreat that was dark and away from the others, Lindsay's room had a room you had to go through to get to hers.  I am not even sure if they know it but the moments they let me slip in there that day I needed desperately.  And everyone, EVERY single heart family at that hospital gave there love, prayers, a hug, and support.  This community is a family and we are shattered all the time!  It is not fair!
I could never imagine what my Heart family went through when I lost Ethin.  And now I am going through it.  I can not imagine what Suzie and JR are going through it and I have been through it.  This is unimaginable.  I wish that this was different than it is.  I so badly want it to be different.  I want my phone to go off and for it to be a text saying that Lindsay is OK.  Even after two years I want my phone to ring and someone to tell me they have Ethin.  The pain I feel is so unreal.  It is devastating.  I not only feel the loss of Lindsay it just intensified the loss of Ethin.  and that in itself makes me feel wrong that while my friends have suffered something so horrific I can not help but miss Ethin as it is June.  My birthday is Thursday which is also the last day two years ago I ever took a picture of my son alive. 
Thursday on my birthday I will be at Lindsay's viewing.  Friday I will say goodbye to the Princess that brightened my son's room for month's.  I am saying goodbye to a little girl that I have quietly watched continue to flourish and grow as a way to help me heal through the loss of my son.  Lindsay you truly will always be a Princess to all who know you all the lives you have touched.  Thank you for being such an amazing Heart Sister to Ethin!  He was lucky to look over at you and draw strength while you were together.  Play hard with the Punk in Heaven Princess!


The things in this life that happen that leave asking why
Try to just trust God and try not to cry
While we are left here and do not quite understand
I imagine that she smiled and took her savior's hand
With her curiosity beaming ever so bright
She entered Heaven the same as she did here with an exhilarating light
Papa Yum Yum ready to greet her hoist her up into his lap
With excitement and glee that smile that lights up a room her two little hands began to clap

Word get around fast in Heaven and a Princess' arrival is not had every day
Before long there were familiar faces to her ones that had been waiting to play
Annabelle ran and gave her hug only sisters can share
While Lindsay ran up not far behind they shared the spelling of their name that was rare
Connor was ready to play he was excited and jumping up down
Luke was there too his laugh was heard all around
Ethin what a punk ready to see his room mate and give her a smile
The much wiser of the Ethan's came walking up the Princess mile
With a heart felt hug she thanked him for his request two years ago
Love is never ending this picture of Heaven surely must show
And in the midst of all that someone walked up and thanked her for living so fully for them both
It was apparent who this little person was the love was immediate between them with rapid growth
The Princess walked back over to Yum Yum and crawled in his lap question in her eye
Jesus walked over and picked her up already knowing and said these words as he wiped the last tear she'd ever cry away from her eye
"Sweet Princess I chose you so carefully and you did well
Your mommy & daddy they love you and I promise that they will not quell
I chose them as carefully as I chose you I will be with them like I have always been with you
This will be hard for them, but I have sent them Angels too....
So sweet Princess this is not forever and they to know that, but until then run along with all those here that love you and remember that one day you'll all be together in Heaven Forever!

Jessica Twigg
June 20, 2011
Written for Lindsay "Princess" Dean

1st Annual Ethin's Heart Still Beats Golf Outing and an update

Ethin's Heart Still Beats 1^st Annual Golf Outing

September 10, 2011

Briar Hill Golf Course

950 W. 40th

Fremont, MI

Ethin's Heart Still Beats has teamed up with Briar Hill to offer a a fun day of golfing to help make the difference in the heart of a child! The day promises to be fun as four men/women golf all 18 holes with the chance to bid for bragging rights for longest drive, closest to the pin, and longest putt. There are many ways to help be a part of the day and we hope to see you out there!!! At the clubhouse we will be having a ton of fun with raffles, 50/50, and some other fun activities.

Hole Sponsorship

Hole Sponsorship is a great way to get your business' name out there for a day and for a great cause! EHSB is offering two different types of hole sponsorships. We are also offering a split sponsorship. There is a $300 sponsorship that is a 4ftx2ft vinyl sign that if you purchased this year any year after this year you will pay the smaller sponsorship fee and always use this bigger sign! There is also a $100 sponsorship and that is the size of a yard sign and is one sided. The split sponsorship is $50 yard sign and is one sponsor on one side and another on the other. Sponsor a hole and play golf $475/$275 accordingly.

Golfing

The outing is a four man scramble. Every hole will be captains choice for the card. The cost for the four man team is $200. Your $200 covers 18 holes of golf, a cart, and lunch for the day. Tee off will be a shotgun start at 9am with 18-30 teams entered to golf; 30+ teams will have a tee off in the afternoon. There will be extra cost to enter contest for closest to the pin, longest drive, and longest putt. We will also be selling mulligans 2 per person which limits it to 8 per team for the day. You will be able to buy them the morning of the outing. 1^st place traveling trophy will be awarded as well as a trophy for each team member of the team. Awards for 2^nd and 3^rd place teams will also be awarded. EHSB is also offering teams the opportunity to buy shirts for the golf outing this is an extra cost of $10 per shirt. Preordering ensures availability. Hope to see you out there.

Contact Info:

Jessica Twigg Founder/President EHSB

616-634-3029

Deanna Traxler Co founder/Treasurer EHSB

231-924-6549

email us at

chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

So as it goes life always hands you cards that you do not want to hold in your hand.  Friday night I was at softball when my phone went off.  The news was not good.  Ethin's heart sister Lindsay Dean passed away unexpectedly.  Ethin and Lindsay shared a room at Mott for a long time.  We watched Lindsay get her new heart and I have to tell you Friday and even to now I am just devastated this is so close to home and so close to the two year mark of losing Ethin that I am just speechless.  My heart is truly aching.  The news has not gotten any better as Lindsay's mom Suzie is not doing well and is in the hospital and so I am asking that you all pray for her.  Pray for Lindsay's family and the entire world as Lindsay truly touched the world.  

With a heavy Heart, Jessica

The way it's supposed to be

Well I would love to tell you that I have some great excuse as to why I have not written, but the truth is there is no good excuse for it!  I have been working my tail off!!!  When I am not working I am with the J Triplets, the boyfriend, or exercising.....
Well I should start with an update and say that I have been seizure free now for almost two months!!!  God is a healer and just as quickly as they came they also went.....That's all I am going to say about that.....
School lets out here this week and I am excited and happy for summer to finally be here.  In Michigan we truly experience all four seasons, but I would say the most fun is summer.  The kids are doing well and getting big.  All three of the kiddos are finishing up baseball and softball this week just in time as I started softball last week!  Work is still going well or I should say now that I am back to work!  Phil is still the love of my life and I feel so blessed to have him in my life.  Being in love really is a great look on me!!! 
So it is June of 2011......Has it really been almost two years???  Have I really lived without Ethin for almost two years?  I can not believe how much has changed in the last two years and as it approaches I am reminded constantly how hard it has been, yet in some ways all the blessings that have come through what has happened......
When June first arrived here I myself knew that the rest of the month was going to just feel dreadful....Well there are days like that and then there are days that seem fairly normal minus the obvious.  I still so many times think that this is a nightmare that will end and I will wake up and everything will be the way it is supposed to be.  Then I have those moments where I know that there are things that I have now that I would not have if things were the way they are supposed to be....So I am in the reality of the way things are and the way God has meant it to be.....But I still miss Ethin everyday and as the J Triplets go on their grief is becoming much more evident......In the midst of it all I do appreciate the way it is even though it's not the way it's supposed to be.
I will be writing more frequently this month as this month is hard.....And since nothing is the way it is supposed to be I just wanted to share this pic of the J Triplets and I with you from Mother's Day!

Yes we are true MSU fans!!  Even though things are not the way they are supposed to be they are the way they are and as hard as that is at times I am so thankful for the gifts in my life and that means these three kiddos.  My life is blessed!

1 Month ago I had it all

Yes I look at back to a month ago and I see this very vibrant, smiling, laughing, athletic, young woman who really had it all.  I had a job I loved and was in management, I had my kids more, my own place to live, and a boyfriend that I really would've given the world to.  In that girl's place now stands a woman who is 27, not working, and seizing.  I broke up with the boyfriend as it this is not fair to him.  My daughter had to call 9-1-1 for me.  And I am now applying for disability because my doctor told me to.  She also let me know I can not play softball.  What has happened to my life. 
I feel like I was normal one day and going through life and God said you know what Jessica I have something else for you.  Just one more thing that I am going to ask you to use as a way to glorify me.  Well let me tell you what God, I am not sure how to glorify you through this right now.  But I will try.  So here I am on my blog crying, because I need to cry and to tell someone that I am scared and I am tired. 
I was asked to speak at a woman's retreat in May and since this started I am going to title it "God It's Me Again, I know You're There."  I find this appropriate as I begin to travel yet another "New Different" that I have not asked for.  Soon I may just ask God to carry me completely.  However right now I do not feel God even holding my hand.  I have faith I know I do, but why is it so constantly tested.  What did I do so wrong in this life to have so much happen to me at the young age of 27.  Yes 27 what the HELL?!!!
So I am adjusting to many new things right now.  Meds, tiredness, and the need for Phil to be next to me holding my hand and he's not.  I am also adjusting to this new normal that I do not want.  God give me back my life.  Just give it back to me!!  What have I done so wrong to deserve all this?  Haven't I been through enough glorifying your name through it all, haven't I still called you my God when others would have walked away?  God it's me again Jessica and I am telling you I can not take anymore!!  Did you hear me?  No More!!
OK now that I feel better about just getting some of that off my chest I suppose so many of you are asking so many questions.....
I started having seizures....Not overly bad, but not sure why.  I do not have health insurance so trying to see a neurologist is not an option.  I can not work because the meds make me high.  I want me back, but I am not sure that I will have the me that I had before so I need to learn to adjust to this new me.  It is very frustrating.  I know that I am going to have them from a taste in my mouth, and when I wake up from them I can not just speak like I normally do and it takes me a minute to realize where I am.  It's scary.
The kids are doing well and have finally started spring sports.  Jonathin and Jayde are playing coach pith baseball Phil is one of their coaches (Just GREAT), and Jessa is playing softball.  They love it so far!  Tonight is week two.  I love watching them play a game that I love so much.  They are all doing well in school and getting big.  I truly am so blessed in life by having them be a part of it.
Although I "technically" broke up with Phil we still talk every day and he is still still my friend.  Actually Sunday we are going to go to my grandma's to have dinner.  Yes it's weird, but I want him to be there.  Honestly not being with him has been killer right now, but he does have some things he needs to figure out.  I would like to hope that he will and I will have my happily ever after.
I have also realized in the last week that my energy is zero.  I really have no energy.  The smallest activity wears me out.  I tire quickly and just feel very unme.  I daze in and out of here and there where ever there is.  I have constant headaches and itchiness.  I have lost 17 pounds and dropped two whole pant sizes!!
If you could please keep me and the J Triplets in your prayers.  We are adjusting, but they know very little.  Thank You and God Bless,
Jessica

I Am Just Beat.....

Well this week was long and full of things for me to learn.  I started my training at work for the midday/shift manager position that I was given.  I was so nervous on onday when I showed up to work that I was not even sure what I was doing at all.  Needless to say that by the time the day was done I not only survived but felt that I did a good job.  Tuesday was another long 10 hour day, but when it was done I again walked away feeling satisfied with my job and the decision to acept the oppurtunity to move up.  Now here it is Saturday night and I have completely survived my first week of training.  My job rocks!

Monday was busy not just with work, but also with life.  The kids all had their conferences for school on Monday.  Jessa's was first and that girl is doing great she is amazing.  She is in 4th grade and reading at the level of a 6th grader.  She is like 10 points away from being an independent reader at school.  Then I went to Jayde's conference....well Jayde has mastered everything that she needs to for the year, but hr behavior is a bit on the rough side as well as she would do much better if she always applied herself.  Jonathin is reading right where he should be his math is great and his teacher was very proud of how well he is doing too.  I am very proud of all three of the kids. 

Monday night was also the first round of district basketball games for the varsity boys.  Newaygo played Fremont again and what a match up it was set to be.  However Fremont not only kicked Newaygo out of the district running, but on Friday they won their tird game for the week and the right to be called District Champs.  If Newaygo was not going to win it I wanted it to be Fremont as they were the other team that played in our game so overall Varsity ball ended not to shabby!

My sister also got married on Monday.  It was a shotgun wedding, but she is happy.  So I now have a brother-in-law and a new nephew.  My family grew and I did not have to have another baby to do it.  Monday was tremendously busy!! 

Friday I picked up the kids from GP's and my sister and her husband took us out to dinner at the local chinese restaurant.  After dinner I took the kids to the movies and we seen "Rango".  It was a cute movie, but I have never heard the word hell so many times in a two hour period.  If it were not for the words hell and dam being said it was a great movie, but had I of known this before we went to watch it we would not have went and seen it.  Not to mention I paid $5 for Jayde to not even watch half the movie as she fell asleep causing the poor highschool girl behind us to start laughing so hard that she had to bury her head in her jacket.

Michigan weather is always a mystery to me.  The weather here is still not sure if it wants to be warm or cold and so we are in that limbo where we are all sure that spring is on its way.  Despite the weather I took a walk outside today for a few minutes to try and get a clear head.  It didn't work!  My head is still foggy!  That's all I have to say about that.

Well I was right that the amount of time I would be able to see Phil this week would be limited and it was.  I took him out to dinner Tuesday night and now this evening when we seen eachother has been all the time we have been able to spare this week.  So we watched the Michigan State/Penn State game today.  Boy was that disappointing.  I really thought that they would win.  We went out to dinner and now he's sitting on the other side of the couch and we are watching Encino Man.....Hopefully church tomorrow and lunch with my grandma.....Yes life is fitting together nicely in my little piece of the world.....

So this week as every other week I did think of Ethin.  I can never help think that everything that makes me happy right now I would not have if Ethin were here.....And as much as I love some of the things/people in my life I would give it all up to have Ethin back.  Someone close to me lost a brother this week and she told me how his son keeps talking about Heaven as though it is a place that he can go and visit.  Wouldn't that be nice if Heaven were a place we could just take a vacation too for a weekend?  Which led me to write this poem please enjoy and I will write on Monday for the Meet Me Monday.....Please give me your questions!!!

Love and Blessings,

Jessica

I wish that Heaven wasn't quite so far away

For I would love to come for a weekend stay

I would love to come and have a holiday with you

If my thinking is right I know you'd love to see me too

Just to stay a few days and linger in your light

Fall asleep together listening to your breath through the night

To hold you in my arms or have you walk and hold my hand

Walk along the beach with you our toes in the warm sand

I'd love to see your smile and here your laughter fill the air

Talk to you and have you tell me about your life there

For as much as I wish that Heaven were a place that I could come for a night or two

This could never be as one more night would never be enough with you

So while Heaven is not a place I can share with you today

God has a place for me up there and I promise when I get there we'll play

Jessica Twigg

3-12-11

Meet Me Mondays

Welcome to Meet Me Mondays!!!  I am so excited!!!  I have missed doing the meet me Monday posts as they were just a way of not writing about everyday life!  And I love for people to get to know me!  So here we go with the two Meet Me Monday questions!!!

What is your favorite Bible verse?

I for years had one Bible verse that I just loved and it is the one posted at the top of my blog.  Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have in store for you," declares the Lord, "Plans of good and not evil to give you a future and a Hope!"

This Bible verse was given to me my senior year of highschool as a way to get me to "see" God's plan by a family I went to church with at the time.  When I read it I fell in love with it and realized that God ultimately had every intention of me succeeding in life!  What a wonderful promise that is to hold onto!!!

A very close second to this verse however is Joshua 1:9 which says, "Be strong and corageous, do not be terrified for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you are."  I had never heard this verse or read it until I had Ethin and after that it was another way for God to assure me that I was NEVER alone and for Ethin it just spoke volumes!  

Though these are my top 2 there are many I love and I encourage everyone to really look at these verses specially the first one and just feel God speaking to you! 

What is it like coaching your children in sports? 

It is like being the ultimate mom!  I have coached Jessa for 9 seasons of soccer and I truly loved it.  Last fall I coached Jayde for the first time and well some of your kids you can coach and others you should not.  I have never got to coach Jonathin.  However in coaching too it is a great feeling to have the trust of other children and to teach them something fun and physical!  I also love that when coaching I am given the oppurtunity to teach kids about being a team player, good sportsmanship, respect, self worth, & skills!  Kids are truly just fun to be around and it normally will bring out the best in you.  Sadly last fall was my last season of coaching soccer as life is just to busy to continue to do so and my kids are all done playing soccer as they are moving onto different sports.

As I close this update I would love for you all to share with me your favorite Bible verses. PLease comment your Meet Me Monday questions for upcoming weeks! Glad to report that my first day as a manager went well!!! 

Blessings,

Jessica