Alright so it has been awhile since I updated on my family. I have been struggling with all the words to use to try to update you all and to make some sort of sense of it all and then the more i thought today I realized I am struggling everywhere.
I am struggling with Ethin being gone. My son is gone! He is not away on a vacation or at a hospital for a while he gone never coming back he is dead. Sadly this is a hard thing for me to handle or deal with. Now in saying this I have to say yes in the back of my head I have known he is dead, but in the last week I know it is real. I stayed so busy trying to just ignore the truth that in doing so I have not grieved for Ethin. I really never even accepted that he was gone. And so now i am struggling with Ethin being gone, I am struggling with my grief for my beloved son, I am struggling that at night my arms are empty, I am struggling that I do not have my baby! I am struggling.
Struggling here leads to struggles everywhere. I am struggling with God......I am not sure if I am angry with him or want to run to him. I am not sure if I hate him or love him. I am not sure if I trust him or am betrayed by him. I am struggling with God and I do not like it. I went back and read my carepages of Ethin's life. I had so much Faith I had the kind of faith that I looked at and thought wow what a lucky woman she has an incredibly close relationship with god and believes in him so much. And now I am the woman I look at and want to reach to and say honey it is going to be OK God will take care of you and I will help you till you see where you need to be. Now I sound crazy.
Struggling I am struggling with the fact that I feel like I can have completely outta body experiences. Like I know what is happening, but it is not real. Like I can look at all of it and look at me and go wow she is standing and she is falling she is doing it and she is failing. I can stand and hurt for me, but I can not really hurt. I am struggling with it all.
I am struggling with all the expectations.....I am expected to just be done grieving, I am expected to not cry at church, I am expected to go back to work, I am expected to live like it never happened. I think the way t was most recently put was to just get over it and move on! Get over it???? Are you kidding me?? How do I get over that I had a son and he dead and not with me!!!???? How do I just move on.....Move on like what like he never existed??? Get over it and move on!???? I wish it were that simple......
So I am struggling......I am struggling that because I am struggling I have to help do it. I am in intense counseling right now. All for my grief. I have to go once a week and every other week I have to go to see their doctor. Are you kidding me??? Because I am struggling through this I had to get help to do it. I feel so unreal.
Oh lets not forget that in my struggles I still have an ex-husband who would do what ever he can to make my life a living hell. Yes I am struggling with him to find the words to just get him off my back.
Can there never be an end to all of it that piles up? Can there never be an end to the struggling? Can there ever be an end that I will learn to live without my son? Will I live without him and live a semi normal life?
Ethin crashed into this world and took every part of who I was.....I did not love him more than my other kids I simply loved him so differently.....He was my life and I was all he had. I remember telling him I needed him to fight because I could not live without him and now for the last three months I have been alive without him. Barely what I would call living but I am alive.
I am struggling watching my kids deal with this. Jessa told me she just wished for one more minute with him. I just cried becasue I wish for that all the time too. They are doing well with it, but not great Jonathin really just acts like it never happened, but when he lets it out He really lets it out. The girls cry and my ex told me it's my fault because I have pictures of him up here and that it reminds them it makes it all real for them. How am I supposed to help them and me all at once? If I make it look like he never existed I would not be OK with that and some how I am sure that is not what would be good for them either. But I am struggling to know what to do for all of us.
Struggling to know what God wants me to do with this. I am doing and going just trying to do it and not sure if it is what I am supposed to do or how I am supposed to do it. So yes I am struggling with life as a whole.
Anyhow onto our happenings here. Jessa and Jayde are still cheer leading and I am still coaching them. That seems to be a lot of fun for us all. This last Saturday their dad and I got walk them out onto the football field. I was so proud of them a bit nervous to be out there, but proud to be standing next to them. My daughters cheer leaders for Newaygo Junior Lions!
Went to church this past Sunday too. It was a struggle as I walk in and Ethin was not there. The last place I seen him was in that church and now he is not there. He is not in there. I am struggling in a place I have always just felt at ease, and now I feel like it takes everything in me to go there. Let alone know my place within the church. Oh the struggles......
Anyhow onto the good stuff that seems to also bring me joy
Cuddles From the Heart
This is a program that started a year ago in Iowa. I now do the program here in MI and am collecting new store bought or homemade blankets to hand out in February 2010 at Mott's hospital where Ethin was his whole life. Having your own blankets at the hospital is a comfort for many people. The nurses like to have them to put on the kids beds and the parents like to see their children curl up with their own blanket. I need a total of 300 blankets for children from newborn to teenagers to give out. I need the blankets by January 31, 2010. You can send me the blankets to my address Jessica Twigg 513 Sunset Dr. Newaygo, MI 49337
Also I still have Ehtin's bracelets. They are $2 each and all money goes to benefit the Heart Ball that will be happening on January 9, 2010 here in Newaygo. I will be posting all of that next week. Date time and ticket prices. Oh that is coming together beautifully!
Until next time all I have is prayers....
Please pray for my pastors dad Gary as he begins his fight with cancer and be with his family as they stand by him through this
Brittney a heart transplant friend of ours has been in the hospital for the last day sick please pray for her
On the 8th of this month tomorrow please pray for JR as he has surgery on his knee
My friend Leslie has just been told she has a form of MS and has a clot behind her eye please pray for her and her boys as they go through this
Blessings to You All,
Jessica
the iowa state fair
5 years ago
5 comments:
My dear friend, Jess.....I would move mountains if it meant you had to no longer feel the pain of Ethin being gone! I would do it in a split second!
I think about you everyday and wonder if you are having a good day or a bad one. My heart hurts when I look at my precious Logan sleeping next to me at night knowing that you don't get to see sweet Ethin sleeping next to you.
I pray and pray and pray that time will heal your broken heart. I pray that God continues to provide you with comfort and helps to shine a light on your darkened path.
Hang in there Jess! Keep fighting every day for Ethin!
Stefenie, Ryan, Wyatt and Logan Jacks
www.whenlifehandsyouabrokenheart.blogspot.com
You should not feel ashamed that you are still missing your son. If that was me I would be missing him still. You also are right to keep pictures of him up as that helps you and your kids. I am sure that if you took them down they would be mad at you for doing that and it would be worse off for them and you. I have a feeling that you will never go one day without thinking about your son. I have a friend who's baby died at 6 weeks old and not a day goes by that she does not think of her little girl. I also believe that you are doing the right thing by going to counseling to help with everything. Just know that there are tons of people out here that are praying for you and your family. I may not know you or have ever meet you in person but I feel like a I know you and your family. I really care about you and pray for you every night.
Dear Jessica, no one can completely understand how you feel and the grief you are going thru. It is good that you are going to counseling and I am wondering if it wouldn't be a good idea for your 3 Js to attend some counseling sessions as well. All of you have so much sadness that you need to learn how to deal with. My prayer for you is that as time passes the hurt will start to subside and the many memories of Ethin's amazing fight for life will give you strength and, in some way, comfort to go on living the life he would have wanted for you.
What you are doing with the Heart Ball and the blanket ministry is such an unselfish act and will help so many people. You should be proud of the work you are doing in Ethin's memory.
Remember that God does love you regardless of your anger or doubt and He understands.
God bless,
Carol Z.
There is no shame in missing your son. Any and all of us would feel the same way you do in that situation. I do hope and pray that God will continue to hold you through this difficult time and that HE will allow things to get easier for you. We just did a walk for Cincinnati Children's Hospital medical center and I honored Ethin at the remembrance garden. To see the photo, please visit Ryan's page @
ryanschd.blogspot.com
Alisha
Jessica everything you are doing is normal. It has only been a year since our baby girl went to heaven and we are still missing her and grieving. We have learned how to live with out her but it takes time. Everyone grieves differently and don't let anyone tell you when you should be done. Read when you get a chance Psalm 139! This passage helped me so much after Lindsay passed away. Just knowing that no matter what we could have done different God was going to take her home anyway just like he did Ethan. This club that you and I are in sucks but you are going to make it through one day at a time. Just hold on to Jesus and don't let go. If there is anyway I can help please send me an email. I will continue to pray for you as you try and find a normal for your family. Keep writing on this blog. I still on Lindsay's and I have found it to helpful and to really share what's on my heart.
In His Grip,
Laura Groen
http://lindsaykeswick.blogspot.com/
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