Ethin's Heart Still Beats

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Ethin's Gifts to the World This Year

Well it is that time of year I guess where you truly start to evaluate all that has happened in a year. As Christmas approaches I know that there is so much to look forward to, yet I can not help but think of the one thing I want and can not have.
So I rarely write about how I am feeling and what I have been going through with my grief as I thought maybe I needed to just start dealing with it on my own. However with Christmas right around the corner all I am thinking about is Ethin and the J Triplets. Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde will be with me starting Christmas Eve at 9pm until Christmas Day sometimes and I am so excited to have them there, but knowing that not all my children will be there makes it very hard. So again I am in this state where I feel so full yet so very empty inside.
My kids and I will watch The Polar Express on Christmas Eve and then when they go to bed I will sneek their gifts under the tree! I can not wait to see their faces light up on Christmas morning. I just hope that I can feel Ethin with us that day. Such an awkawrd feeling to have full and empty, happy and sad, excitement and disappointment.....Just polar opposites all the time.....Ugh!
Sometimes as this life continues to unfold in front of me I think that I am doing something terribly wrong by smiling and truly looking forward to the rest of my life. Then there are times where I crawl into a hopeless despair and I think I can not go on, and then there are times I plaster all the fake smiles and the saying I am good just slips out of my mouth like it is a programmed thing. The balance is hardly balanced or fair at all!
I guess I have a few more things to say and this may be my last post until after Christmas.....I need recipes for the recipe book we are making with Hope for BraveHEARTS. So get us your recipes!!! Please include your name, city & State and IF you have a heart child their name and defect but if you do not still send us your recipe and name and state to chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Dear Ethin,
You have been gone for 1 year, 5 months, 3 weeks, 5 days, 4 hours and 25 minutes as I type this you. You are still at the fore front of thought in everything that I do. Last Christmas one thing I did as a way to remind myself of all that you have gifted to this world was write down the things that have happened last year because you were a part of this world. So this year I am going to do the same thing....Here it goes.
There have been over 250 blankets collected
The 1st Annual EHSB Heart Ball took place and we raised $1836
On July 1st of this year Ethin's Heart Still Beats was corporated in the state of MI as a non-profit Organization
July 17th we held the 1st Annual EHSB Family Fun Day and raised just over $300
In February Newaygo High School hosted the 1st Annual Newaygo Lions Have Heart Basketball game and we raised $500
In January the city of Newaygo and the county of Newaygo Proclomated and Resolved February 7-14th as CHD Awareness Week
You see son you are still very alive in so many people and I am so proud of what you still accomplish! You are an amazing child. If ever a life could touch the hearts of others it is truly yours that does this. You have not been forgotten by anyone. Merry Christmas my sweet Angel Punk, I love you Always, Mommy

Saturday, November 27, 2010

17 months after

I guess that a post is long coming from me. Sorry it has been so long. The hustle and bustle of every day life really has been just never ending. As far as every day life goes I guess you could say it is what it is. The J Triplets are getting big and doing well in school.
Jonathin turned 8 last month and Jessa will be 9 on Monday. Before the year is up Jayde will also have her birthday and she will be 7. I am working two jobs and running Ethin's Heart Still Beats. I am playing basketball and spending as much time as possible with the kiddos. Yes I am playing basketball for the first time since high school on an organized team. This really may not be the best idea I have ever had as at the very first practice I broke my finger. LOL I only laugh because I should have learned through softball that I am pry not as viable as I used to be. Softball season ended with countless bruises, a sprained ankle, and being knocked out once. I am die hard though and none of that held me back from still playing!
I have some very exciting news and need your help!!!! Ethin's Heart Still Beats is collaborating with Hope for BraveHearts and we are making a cook book to hopefully have printed and ready to sell in February for CHD Awareness Week 2011!!! So what I need is for you to submit me recipies that we can put in this cook book!!! If you know the caloric intake per serving that would be great, but if not that's OK we have a way to figure it out. If you have any good fat free recipies please send those as we are putting together a fat-free section for those that need a fat free diet. So please email them to me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com include your name, city and state and if you are a heart mom please include your heart child's name and defect. We want recipes from everyone though. Looking forward to receiving your recipies. Oh and here is a sneek peek at one of the cover possibilities for the cook book!!! Shannon has not even seen this yet!

Alright I really got on here tonight though, because I need to share some things. Thanksgiving was two days ago. It was not an easy day, but it was far better than last year. I started out by eating dinner with a special someone and his family. I was responsible for sweet potatoes and a cheese cake. Let me just say that I scored big with both!!!! LOL Then after that I went and picked up my kids from their dad and we as a family went and had dinner with the Miller's. They are a heart family that lives close to us and that we have grown very close to. It was an amazing day really to be with so many people that I love.
Even though it was all that there was still a big part missing. It is always a hard concept for me to fully grasp that at times I feel so full yet so empty. I did however on Thanksgiving take some time in the morning to reflect on the things I was thankful for and here is what I came up with:

My children all 4 of them

God

My job and the people I work with

Ethin's Heart Still Beats and the amazing board I have

Alright not only was Thanksgiving just a few days ago, but today marks 17 months since my son was alive. I truly can not believe it has been that long.So many times I wish I could have it all back and things could be what they were and what they were supposed to be. That things could be the way I dreamed they would be when I had Ethin. Instead they are the way God planned them to be and yes I am doing better with this, but I still have moments and lately I have been having many of those moments. Those moments where the reality is so real that it is painful and almost as though maybe this is still a very bad dream.

Yes the pain lately especially at night is so overwhelming that I really at times think that maybe this is not really happening. That just maybe the last 17 months has been a terrible nightmare and I will wake up any second and have Ethin in my arms. That I will go into bedrooms and tuck in all four of my children. In these moments I normally cry myself to sleep and I of course wake up in the morning to reality and the vicious circle starts again.

So 17 months later I can honestly tell you all that it does not get better or easier it just keeps getting different. The different is becoming more manageable and it is becoming my new normal. It is the new normal I am still learning to live with. Life after the loss of my son is still and I am sure will always be a process I will go through.

17 months after I said my last goodbyes to my son God is still showing me His purpose and His Hopes for me. I am truly blessed. Ethin still is very alive in so many people and though it is not always easy for me I am comforted by the fact that I know this is not forever. This is temporary. God through Ethin has opened my life to a life that I never would have had without him. As awkward as it is I am thankful for the life I have. I am truly blessed. 17 months after Ethin left this world I am truly thankful for so many things in my life.

I have to go to work now.....I will write another update soon.....Please take the time to be thankful for the little things in life!

Blessings,

Jessica

Monday, October 25, 2010

So Much Going On!!!

For the Heart Ball this year we are creating a video with kids with CHD's and their families doing things that make a difference...Maybe it's a heart walk, an organization that you founded, or maybe it's going to the hospitals and giving things to patients and families to make their lives a little easier...What ever it is we want you to send us an email and pictures of you and your child and family making a difference! Email them to EHSB at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Also my work Wendy's of Newaygo is a donation site for Cuddles From the Heart!!!! How amazing to know that my bosses and coworkers believe in what we do!!! So stop by and see me at work and bring in your blanket!!! Also now you can drop off blankets at Bills Shop -N- Save or True Value Hardware in Fremont!! And also Wendy's restaurant's of Muskegon Henry, Sherman, Apple, and Grand Haven!
Cuddles From the Heart MI is starting to collect blankets for newborn through teenagers! We give out the blankets in December and we would like to have 500 by then. We are a bit slow in starting to ask for them as last year we began asking for them at the end of July and it is now mid August.

Cuddles From the Heart (CFH) started two years ago in Iowa by heart mom Stefanie Jacks. Last year she opened it up for any state to do. In June I told her I would like to do it for MI and after Ethin passed away later that month I still said that I wanted to do it! I am so glad that I did! It was rewarding and amazing to see how much people truly care about others! So here we are this year hoping to do the same thing. Our goal last year was 500 and we did just over that. Same goal this year 500!!! We can do this!!

What we need is new homemade or store bought blankets ranging from newborn to teenagers for boys and girls to give out at U of M Mott Children’s Hospital in December. The blankets are a very comforting thing to many families while they are in there and sometimes just one blanket can make the hospital feel a little less like the hospital. Ethin’s Heart Still Beats board members are all ready to go to Ann Arbor in December and as a board we decided that we want to do this so you can mail your blankets to
E.H.S.B
9172 S. Croswell Ave.
Newaygo, MI 49337
If you have any questions you can email me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Also I am in need of your favorite recipes!!! We are teaming up with another non-profit organization called Hope For Bravehearts to create a world-wide From the Heart Cook Book. You can submit up to 2 recipes and we would like if you can to let us now the caloric intake per serving on your recipe. You can email them to us at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com Please include the name of your recipe, your name and where you are from! Books will be published and available for purchase. As that info becomes available I will keep you posted!

So onto the life stuff........WOW I am busy and things are finally slowing down and then they just get busier! Work keeps me occupied, the kids keep me going, and EHSB gives me a reason to know that Ethin is always here!

So soccer season is officially done....Normally something I do not like to see happen, but with the heart ball and everything else right now the break before spring will be nice. It allows me to focus on the big things going on with EHSB.

Here is a sneak peek on our new family photos!!!

We are HUGE Michigan State fans!!! By the way have you seen MSU is ranked #5 right now and we are to this point undefeated! Look out Iowa here we come! (Stef and Jen I love you guys!) But I hope we kick some Hawkeye butt!

So the kids had conferences here last week. Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde are doing GREAT!! Jonathin's conference was the BEST conference ever!!! Jayde is a chatty Kathy and a giggler. Jessa well she is Jessa and really she never disappoints in conferences!

Well Halloween is approaching which means that shortly after that everything I hate about the fact that I lost a child is approaching as well. Is it OK to feel overwhelmed with everthing? I mean is it OK that even though I am busy as all get out that when I slow down just a little bit I feel overwhelmed? I feel like I have avoided so much of this for so long and I am still just not ready to face so much of it. Oh the holidays are coming and there is no stopping it.....

So the big question this year as Thaksgiving is approaching is wether or not I put up a tree this year which I did not do last year. My problem with this dilema is that I still do not have that perfect ornament that is Ethin. There is still a void to me with holidays that he is not a part of it. I pray that God will continue to soften my heart and that perhaps this year will not be as dreadful as last year.

Blessings,

Jessica

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Happy Birthday Jonathin!

Lots going on so read a previous update I will even later write about homecoming with a cool pic, but today it's all about this guy...........

Jonathin is 8 years old today!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Sometimes I have a lot to say

Also my work Wendy's of Newaygo is a donation site for Cuddles From the Heart!!!! How amazing to know that my bosses and coworkers believe in what we do!!! So stop by and see me at work and bring in your blanket!!! Also now you can drop off blankets at Bills Shop -N- Save in Fremont!!
Cuddles From the Heart MI is starting to collect blankets for newborn through teenagers! We give out the blankets in December and we would like to have 500 by then. We are a bit slow in starting to ask for them as last year we began asking for them at the end of July and it is now mid August.

Cuddles From the Heart (CFH) started two years ago in Iowa by heart mom Stefanie Jacks. Last year she opened it up for any state to do. In June I told her I would like to do it for MI and after Ethin passed away later that month I still said that I wanted to do it! I am so glad that I did! It was rewarding and amazing to see how much people truly care about others! So here we are this year hoping to do the same thing. Our goal last year was 500 and we did just over that. Same goal this year 500!!! We can do this!!

What we need is new homemade or store bought blankets ranging from newborn to teenagers for boys and girls to give out at U of M Mott Children’s Hospital in December. The blankets are a very comforting thing to many families while they are in there and sometimes just one blanket can make the hospital feel a little less like the hospital. Ethin’s Heart Still Beats board members are all ready to go to Ann Arbor in December and as a board we decided that we want to do this so you can mail your blankets to
E.H.S.B
9172 S. Croswell Ave.
Newaygo, MI 49337
If you have any questions you can email me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

This week has been long and strenuous for lots of reasons. I mean my life truly is still jam packed and full of everything, but the inner need I have to grieve. Trying to find the healthy balance of grieving and still living is one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn to do. Ya know I am not sure I am learning to do it I would say I am just doing it.

Soccer season is about half over now and it has been wonderful being able to coach both Jessa and Jayde. However coaching two teams has been way harder than coaching just one. Not to mention Jonathin is always at the fields and he in himself is a handful. He really is my child let there be no doubt! Not to mention in my small town like most small towns fall is here which also means football has started and it IS a big deal. So Friday nights there is football!!! I love fall! Tomorrow is Homecoming and I am excited to take my kids there for the game this was us in October 2008 at homecoming (I was pregnant for Ethin)....

Yes we went all out... Football is a BIG deal here....

Last year I did not go to homecoming and so this year I am going with the kids and we will have fun we WILL e normal again, We WILL live, but we do still grieve and just because we can learn to do this again does not mean we have forgotten...In my heart I so wish I was dressing Ethin in all black white to go to the Homecoming festivities here. The reality is I will never do this and it is why I did not go to the game last year, but for the J Triplets I need to move on I have to live again for them and with them.

Looking at these pictures is an odd memory for me as I remember very well the excitement of not just the game, but the fact that our family was going to go from four to five. Jayde was excited about becoming a big sister and Jonathin was stoked that I was going to have a boy and he was going to have a baby brother, Jessa was so ready to be the big sister again and she talked about how she wanted to help so much. As of this time of this homecoming game I still had not told them how special their brothers heart was. They had no idea. Maybe I could have prepared them better, but I did not and now Ethin is very much a memory to them. The truth is maybe I should have prepared myself a little more. Ethin is so much more than just a memory to me he is a part of me that is gone. He is a part of me that I am missing and I can not get back. I am not ready to grieve and I am not ready to let go. That right there is the key answer to my problem....I am not ready to let go and grieve I fear that if I fully grieve Ethin I will let him go and he will become just a memory to me...

Another thing this week that has been hard is that the CHD community has lost 9 CHD'ers. 1 is to many but 9 in one week!!! And who knows how many more....Also today there is a family that I have gotten to know through the CHD community that there son today would have been one....Aiden Matthew Beers was born a year ago today and his parents like me last January do not get to watch him eat his first birthday cake. It just is not fair!!! It is not fair that there are other parents who know how I feel, It is not fair that I know what other parents are going through, it is not fair that CHD's claim so many lives! IT IS NOT FAIR and it makes me mad and angry and it makes me cry. It saddens my heart!
I may be all over the place and for that I am sorry....But back to football....I am a HUGE Michigan State fan. This Saturday is the big game for MSU and U of M football fans. So I will be watching football on Saturday too. And Stef when you read this I just want you to know that we are going to win against Iowa this year too!! LOL GO STATE all the way!

Blessings,

Jessica

The Tree

Mommy I want to share some things with you so you know I am just fine

Jesus sat with me in his garden and we talked about how it is OK to sometimes send you a sign

We talked about how happy he is when I show other kids where to play

And He told me how proud He is that I never forget to pray

Jesus walked me to a special place in His garden and showed me a beautiful tree

Mommy He said that tree grows with the love you hold for me

I think it may be the biggest tree in the garden and some branches are extra long

When I asked God about those branches He said those ones are when you have been extra strong

There are some knots in the tree and my wondering mind just had to ask I wanted to know

Jesus said that sometimes your life has been rough but you always turn to Him and from that you grow

While I stood there and examined the tree Jesus said it was time to help you truly heal

He said we'd carve a heart and it would imprint yours but He promised no pain from this carving you'd feel

Jesus pulled me on his lap and tickled my belly and asked if I wanted to help you feel better

Then he sat me down and told me to go ahead and write you this letter

So here I am mommy I want you to know I am OK and I am learning things you wanted me to

I am proud of you mommy and just keep looking for my signs I send, remember that I love you!

Jessica Twigg October 8, 2010

This is one of my favorite pictures of Ethin and I

Sunday, September 26, 2010

No title today

2nd Annual Ethin’s Heart Still Beats Heart Ball
Saturday January 8, 2011
VFW Hall
9075 Mason Dr
Newaygo, MI 49337

Doors will open at 5pm
A welcome will happen at 5:30pm
Dinner immediately following the welcome 6pm-7pm eat dinner
7pm Auction
745pm introduction of a speaker
8pm Guest Speaker

Tickets are $30 for one or $50 for two. Tickets include a four course dinner, open bar, auction bidding paddle, and your night of knowing that Ethin’s Heart Still Beats…..”It Beats in us”

A list of Auction items and a full program will be up as we continue to fill in the details for the ball as well as an announcement of the theme for the night. Last year was "HOPE" this year is still available for ideas. If you have any submit them here.
If you have any questions or would like to make arrangements for reserving tickets please email Jessica Twigg founder of Ethin's Heart Still Beats at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Also my work Wendy's of Newaygo is a donation site for Cuddles From the Heart!!!! How amazing to know that my bosses and coworkers believe in what we do!!! So stop by and see me at work and bring in your blanket!!!
Cuddles From the Heart MI is starting to collect blankets for newborn through teenagers! We give out the blankets in December and we would like to have 500 by then. We are a bit slow in starting to ask for them as last year we began asking for them at the end of July and it is now mid August.

Cuddles From the Heart (CFH) started two years ago in Iowa by heart mom Stefanie Jacks. Last year she opened it up for any state to do. In June I told her I would like to do it for MI and after Ethin passed away later that month I still said that I wanted to do it! I am so glad that I did! It was rewarding and amazing to see how much people truly care about others! So here we are this year hoping to do the same thing. Our goal last year was 500 and we did just over that. Same goal this year 500!!! We can do this!!

What we need is new homemade or store bought blankets ranging from newborn to teenagers for boys and girls to give out at U of M Mott Children’s Hospital in December. The blankets are a very comforting thing to many families while they are in there and sometimes just one blanket can make the hospital feel a little less like the hospital. Ethin’s Heart Still Beats board members are all ready to go to Ann Arbor in December and as a board we decided that we want to do this so you can mail your blankets to
E.H.S.B
9172 S. Croswell Ave.
Newaygo, MI 49337
If you have any questions you can email me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

So in other news......
The girls started soccer last week!! I am coaching Jessa and Jayde's teams this year! What a handful! I have the best teams and kids though. My parents are great to work with and I truly love coaching and both girls are happy I am coaching them. I will get pics up when I get some. Always hard to coach and take pictures though! LOL
Well my echo came back normal!! My tilt table test was negative. I go back to the card in November. Until then no need to worry as that will not change anything so I am just giving it to God and letting him handle it.
Life is so busy here I am currently applying for the local fire dept., working, doing the EHSB stuff, and coaching soccer! God has truly blessed my life and for that I am thankful. However even as busy as I am I have been thinking about Ethin more than usual.
So many things right now remind me of him and how much I miss him. I so badly wish he was here. I keep wondering what life would be like if he were here. And when I am lying in my bed at night I can not help but think that I should have a crib in my room for him. Sometimes it is so hard for me to always see the good. I had a very angry moment last week and it scared me and then I just broke down crying. I apparently am truly starting to grieve for Ethin. A part of me did not want to do this and then there is a part of me that so badly needs to. For the 15 months I have truly avoided it and now I am facing it and I am terrified and I cry again so much.
Blessings,
Jessica