I'm Late!!

Well I owe the blog world a huge apology.  My life has been so busy and hectic with Ethin's Heart Still Beats, my job that I still love, my kids, and my personal life as a whole.  So I am so sorry but that also means that this update will be lengthy and fun with lots of pictures and so much to share!!!!

So I guess I looked and the last time I wrote was the day after the Heart Ball on Ethin's birthday.  So let's start with the Heart Ball.  We hosted the 2nd Annual Ethin's Heart Still Beats Heart Ball on January 8, 2011 here in Newaygo.  What an amazing night!!!  We started setting up the night before so we were ready on Saturday when everyone would be arriving. 

The Welcome table

A table dedicated to Ethin and EHSB

A trifold board of everything EHSB has done since Ethin passed away

 The hall before it was full

And boy did it pay off.  The night started with an amazing dinner prepared by our chefs Scottie and Tony!!! 

Throught dinner we had fun with the auction and after dinner we presented the managers from Wendy's of Newaygo with a plaque for helping collect blankets for the Cuddles From the Heart blanket drive.

This is a pic of the Wendy's crew that were there.  Me, April, Kandi, and Terri

From there we introduced the Guest speaker Dr. Mark Russell one of Ethin's cardiologists from U of M Mott Children's Hospital.

After he gave his tear jerking speech we took a picture.  Dr. Russell is very near and dear to my heart and I am so glad that he was able to come down and speek.

The night included a memory waltz again.  I was able to dance with an amazing partner this year Fred Hoffman.  And we rocked it!  However I was very afraid I was going to fall on my face!  LOL

Yeppers I was scared he would drop me just cuz it would have been funny!  LOL

Then his girlfriend Brenda and him gave waltzing lessons to everyone.  It was fun, but clearly not for everyone!  LOL

After the Waltzing lessons there was some time to just dance and have fun!

 

So just so we are clear yes this would Phil my Best friend and clearly this was my favorite dance of the night!

Yeah he is pretty awesome and good looking and charming, and well I kinda dig him!

So here are just some more pics from the night enjoy!!!

All the Heart Families that were there L-R Goodfellows parents of Heart Angel Faith, Myself Mommy to Heart Angel Ethin, LaPres' parents to Warrior Sofi, & Amador's parents to Warrior Krysten

 The Heideman's they were 2nd year attendance

 The Amazing Board of EHSB

 Fun with the local business owners of Newaygo, Wisner Rents Canoes, Sportman's Bar, Elizabeth Haulsey Botique, and A-Waste

The Amador family had their own table!

Rai Wisner and I

The Wendy's crew having way to much fun! 

The board sharing a group hug

Tammi and I she took all our pics for us again this year

I love our caterers and they clearly love me!

This was the head table

 Me with the all the Heart dads there Matt Goodfellow,  Mike LaPres, & Leonard Amador                                                 

Jen Menken and her business donated all our printing

Love the DJ Jim Bowman too!

There really were so many pictures and you can see them all on the Ethin's Heart Still Beats Facebook album!!

And the Grand Net Total of the ball this year was just over $1300 so it was clearly a great success!!  Thank you to all of the auction donors, the local support, friends, family, and of course the inspiration Ethin!

The theme of the ball this year was the difference of a heart and all I can say is these warriors and Angels there hearts make a difference!

Alright onto the next big thing we did! 

The 2nd Annual Newaygo Lions Have Heart Basketball Game!

Announcing your Newaygo Lions and Fremont Packers!!!

The Newaygo Lions Line-Up
#1 Zenn Timmer playing in Honor of CHD Warrior Brycen Halas
#2 Zach Franks playing in Honor of CHD Warrior Tommy Schomaker
#3 Eric VanDam playing in Memory of CHD Angel Lindsay Groen
#5 Steve Lisee playing in Honor of CHD Warrior Sofi LaPres
# 10 Tyler Arends playing in Honor of CHD Warior Logan Jacks Sponsored by Newaygo Printing & Copy Center, LLC.
#12 Nathan Brown playing in Honor of CHD Warior Brittney Butcher Sponsored by Short Stop Motorcycle Parts & Accessories
#20 Brad Wright playing in Honor of CHD Warior Jayden Valasek
#21 Conor Bradley playing in Memory of CHD Angel Ethin Twigg sponsored by Postma Monument INC.
#23 Alex Roberts playing in Honor of CHD Warior Andrew Huegel sponsored by Blue Heart Trading company
#25 Christian Crotser playing in Honor of CHD Warior Derrick Carter sponsored by Ken Page, Jr.
#32 Damien Longoria playing in Honor of CHD Warior Jordan Snyder sponsored by DanMark Graphics
#33 Jakob Mazur playing in Memory of CHD Angel Ethan Bilpo

FREMONT PACKERS Line-Up
#3 Tyler Krim playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Taya Delperdang sponsored by vanderzaden Farms
#4 Tyler Krim playing in Honor of CHD Warior Lily Hansen
#10 Ryan Ansorage playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Lindsay Dean
#11 Zach Montoya playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Mason Strickland
#13 Tyler Silvernail playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Westen Bouwkamp Sponsored by All About You Salon
#22 Cody McCombs playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Peighton Bonk Sponsored by Cronk's Oakridge Restaurant
#23 Robbie McPherson playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD WariorEmillo Ruellas Sponsored by Steve & Deanna Traxler and Family
#24 Josh Nelson playing in Memory of CHD Angel Faith Goodfellow
#33 Mike Seigel playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Krysten Amador Sponsored by Newaygo Printing & Copy Center LLC
#34 Chase Curtis playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Ethan Sidlauskas Sponsored by Wisner Rents Canoes
#55 Lucas McKain playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Hailie Miller Sponsored by A-Waste

All the players from Fremont & Newaygo, all the families that were there, the sponsors, and the EHSB Board

Krysten Amador and her player Mike Siegel #33 Fremont

Sponsor Ken Page with #25 Christian Croster of Newaygo playing in honor of CHD Warrior Derrick Carter 

Zenn Timmer #1 playing for the 2nd year in honor of CHD Warrior Brycen Halas with Brycen and his family

The Newaygo Boys!  Love these guys!

My back and Conor Bradley's back

The backs of Jakob, Tyler, and Zenn

Christian's back

Heart families at halftime center court

Krysten Amador's family, sponsor and player

The Bonk family with their warrior Peighton and their player #22 Cody McCombs of Fremont sponsored by Cronk's Oakridge of Newaygo

This was so funny when we took the picture of the boys from the front our photographer said Turn around and all the boys laughed.

Steve Lissee #5 from Newaygo with his Heart Warrior Sofi Lapres and her mom this was his second year playing in honor of Sofi

Heart transplant patients Brittney and Sofi

Me with Krysten I love this lil warrior

Conor Bradley #21 with all of Ethin's family that was there, God mother Mandy, God sister Heather, Aunt Krista and cousin Taylor, Mom, His sisters Jessa & Jayde, brother Jonathin, cousin Landon and Aunt Alivia

The boys from Fremont

After the game the Amador's and the autographed ball from the game they won it!

Me with the autographed ball during the meet and greet with all the players from both teams.  I am so proud of these boys!

In the last year since the last game I have gotten to know some of the players that played last year.  This years game was much more emotional for me, because of this.  Zach Franks played for the second year for Tommy Schomaker and I have gotten to know Zach so knowing this was his last year to play was hard.  Next year for the game he won't be there.  Eric VanDam also was a second year player for Lindsay Groen.  For me the boys of the Newaygo Lions Varsity basketball game have so much heart and they are truly hereos to me.

The next part of this is about the game and the player that played for Ethin.  Ethin was represented by #21 and the jersey was wore by sophmore Conor Bradley.  There was no rhyme or reason to choosing Conor to play in memory of Ethin except the fact that he was a sophmore and I thought it would be really neat to have the same young man play for Ethin a few years in a row.  Conor and I met a month ago briefly when I talked to the whole team.  Since that time Conor's twin sister and I have also met and I have met his parents too.  Conor gives me a hug when he sees me now like many of the other boys that played last year and this year and he completely embraced the oppurtunity to play for Ethin.  He said he was honored to do so.  I look forward to sowing him support in his varsity endeavors.  He is an amazing young man.  Thank You Conor!!  It was honor to watch you play so hard for Ethin!!

Conor was great with my kiddos and he held Jayde for this picture!  Thank you!!

What a full update!!!  Love you all and have missed you all so much!!

Happy 2nd Birthday Ethin

Dear Ethin,
  Two years ago today you came crashing into this world with half a heart.  Two years ago today you began to change the world and the lives of those around you and of those that read about you.  Your Heart made such a difference to this world.  Though the length of your life was not as long as I wish it would have been your legacy and the gifts you left behind are life long.  You are amazing and I am so proud to be your mommy.  I thank God every day for choosing me to be your mother what a gift He gave to me in you. 
  Son I often wonder what life would be like if you were here, and the reality of not being able to know those answers hurts.  Then I see the difference you have made and I am given a sense of peace and comfort.  You may not physically be here, but you really are here and alive in so many.  You live completely in my heart....You are the difference in my life. 
  Many came to the ball last night and I have no doubt that you were looking down on us and smiling and laughing with us.  So many people came to be a part of your legacy and to remember you and support what we do because you ever existed.  I can not believe you are two today it seems like yesterday that I first heard you cry....I love you with all my heart and I am proud of you always know that!  Happy Birthday from Earth to Heaven, Mommy

Last night we had our second annual Ethin's Heart Still Beats Heart Ball.....Huge Success will do a whole post about soon there is other news I need to get out there

I need recipies for the cook book EHSB is making with Hope for Brave hearts you can email them to us at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com  We Have to have them by January 25th.  Please email me a recipe for this cook book that we are making and will be selling as a fundraiser for EHSB and Hope for Bravehearts.

Ethin's Gifts to the World This Year

Well it is that time of year I guess where you truly start to evaluate all that has happened in a year.  As Christmas approaches I know that there is so much to look forward to, yet I can not help but think of the one thing I want and can not have.
So I rarely write about how I am feeling and what I have been going through with my grief as I thought maybe I needed to just start dealing with it on my own.  However with Christmas right around the corner all I am thinking about is Ethin and the J Triplets.  Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde will be with me starting Christmas Eve at 9pm until Christmas Day sometimes and I am so excited to have them there, but knowing that not all my children will be there makes it very hard.  So again I am in this state where I feel so full yet so very empty inside.
My kids and I will watch The Polar Express on Christmas Eve and then when they go to bed I will sneek their gifts under the tree!  I can not wait to see their faces light up on Christmas morning.  I just hope that I can feel Ethin with us that day.  Such an awkawrd feeling to have full and empty, happy and sad, excitement and disappointment.....Just polar opposites all the time.....Ugh!
Sometimes as this life continues to unfold in front of me I think that I am doing something terribly wrong by smiling and truly looking forward to the rest of my life.  Then there are times where I crawl into a hopeless despair and I think I can not go on, and then there are times I plaster all the fake smiles and the saying I am good just slips out of my mouth like it is a programmed thing.  The balance is hardly balanced or fair at all! 
I guess I have a few more things to say and this may be my last post until after Christmas.....I need recipes for the recipe book we are making with Hope for BraveHEARTS.  So get us your recipes!!!  Please include your name, city & State and IF you have a heart child their name and defect but if you do not still send us your recipe and name and state to chdhlhs09@yahoo.com


Dear Ethin,
  You have been gone for 1 year, 5 months, 3 weeks, 5 days, 4 hours and 25 minutes as I type this you.  You are still at the fore front of thought in everything that I do.  Last Christmas one thing I did as a way to remind myself of all that you have gifted to this world was write down the things that have happened last year because you were a part of this world.  So this year I am going to do the same thing....Here it goes. 
There have been over 250 blankets collected
The 1st Annual EHSB Heart Ball took place and we raised $1836
On July 1st of this year Ethin's Heart Still Beats was corporated in the state of MI as a non-profit Organization
July 17th we held the 1st Annual EHSB Family Fun Day and raised just over $300
In February Newaygo High School hosted the 1st Annual Newaygo Lions Have Heart Basketball game and we raised $500
In January the city of Newaygo and the county of Newaygo Proclomated and Resolved February 7-14th as CHD Awareness Week
You see son you are still very alive in so many people and I am so proud of what you still accomplish!  You are an amazing child.  If ever a life could touch the hearts of others it is truly yours that does this.  You have not been forgotten by anyone.  Merry Christmas my sweet Angel Punk, I love you Always, Mommy

17 months after

I guess that a post is long coming from me.  Sorry it has been so long.  The hustle and bustle of every day life really has been just never ending.  As far as every day life goes I guess you could say it is what it is.  The J Triplets are getting big and doing well in school. 
Jonathin turned 8 last month and Jessa will be 9 on Monday.  Before the year is up Jayde will also have her birthday and she will be 7.  I am working two jobs and running Ethin's Heart Still Beats.  I am playing basketball and spending as much time as possible with the kiddos.  Yes I am playing basketball for the first time since high school on an organized team.  This really may not be the best idea I have ever had as at the very first practice I broke my finger.  LOL I only laugh because I should have learned through softball that I am pry not as viable as I used to be.  Softball season ended with countless bruises, a sprained ankle, and being knocked out once.  I am die hard though and none of that held me back from still playing!
I have some very exciting news and need your help!!!!  Ethin's Heart Still Beats is collaborating with Hope for BraveHearts and we are making a cook book to hopefully have printed and ready to sell in February for CHD Awareness Week 2011!!!  So what I need is for you to submit me recipies that we can put in this cook book!!!  If you know the caloric intake per serving that would be great, but if not that's OK we have a way to figure it out.  If you have any good fat free recipies please send those as we are putting together a fat-free section for those that need a fat free diet.  So please email them to me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com include your name, city and state and if you are a heart mom please include your heart child's name and defect.  We want recipes from everyone though.  Looking forward to receiving your recipies.  Oh and here is a sneek peek at one of the cover possibilities for the cook book!!!  Shannon has not even seen this yet!

Alright I really got on here tonight though, because I need to share some things.  Thanksgiving was two days ago.  It was not an easy day, but it was far better than last year.  I started out by eating dinner with a special someone and his family.  I was responsible for sweet potatoes and a cheese cake.  Let me just say that I scored big with both!!!!  LOL  Then after that I went and picked up my kids from their dad and we as a family went and had dinner with the Miller's.  They are a heart family that lives close to us and that we have grown very close to.  It was an amazing day really to be with so many people that I love.
Even though it was all that there was still a big part missing.  It is always a hard concept for me to fully grasp that at times I feel so full yet so empty.  I did however on Thanksgiving take some time in the morning to reflect on the things I was thankful for and here is what I came up with:

My children all 4 of them

God

My job and the people I work with

Ethin's Heart Still Beats and the amazing board I have

Alright not only was Thanksgiving just a few days ago, but today marks 17 months since my son was alive.  I truly can not believe it has been that long.So many times I wish I could have it all back and things could be what they were and what they were supposed to be.  That things could be the way I dreamed they would be when I had Ethin.  Instead they are the way God planned them to be and yes I am doing better with this, but I still have moments and lately I have been having many of those moments.  Those moments where the reality is so real that it is painful and almost as though maybe this is still a very bad dream.  

Yes the pain lately especially at night is so overwhelming that I really at times think that maybe this is not really happening.  That just maybe the last 17 months has been a terrible nightmare and I will wake up any second and have Ethin in my arms.  That I will go into bedrooms and tuck in all four of my children.  In these moments I normally cry myself to sleep and I of course wake up in the morning to reality and the vicious circle starts again.  

So 17 months later I can honestly tell you all that it does not get better or easier it just keeps getting different.  The different is becoming more manageable and it is becoming my new normal.  It is the new normal I am still learning to live with.  Life after the loss of my son is still and I am sure will always be a process I will go through.  

17 months after I said my last goodbyes to my son God is still showing me His purpose and His Hopes for me.  I am truly blessed.  Ethin still is very alive in so many people and though it is not always easy for me I am comforted by the fact that I know this is not forever.  This is temporary.  God through Ethin has opened my life to a life that I never would have had without him.  As awkward as it is I am thankful for the life I have.  I am truly blessed.  17 months after Ethin left this world I am truly thankful for so many things in my life.  

I have to go to work now.....I will write another update soon.....Please take the time to be thankful for the little things in life!  

Blessings, 

Jessica

So Much Going On!!!

2nd Annual Ethin’s Heart Still Beats Heart Ball
Saturday January 8, 2011
VFW Hall
9075 Mason Dr
Newaygo, MI 49337

Doors will open at 5pm
A welcome will happen at 5:30pm
Dinner immediately following the welcome 6pm-7pm eat dinner
7pm Auction
745pm introduction of a speaker
8pm Guest Speaker

Tickets are $30 for one or $50 for two.  Tickets include a four course dinner, open bar, auction bidding paddle, and your night of knowing that Ethin’s Heart Still Beats…..”It Beats in us”


A list of Auction items and a full program will be up as we continue to fill in the details for the ball as well as an announcement of the theme for the night.  Last year was "HOPE" this year the theme is "The Difference of a Heart" If you have any questions or would like to make arrangements for reserving tickets please email Jessica Twigg founder of Ethin's Heart Still Beats at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com or call 616-634-3029

For the Heart Ball this year we are creating a video with kids with CHD's and their families doing things that make a difference...Maybe it's a heart walk, an organization that you founded, or maybe it's going to the hospitals and giving things to patients and families to make their lives a little easier...What ever it is we want you to send us an email and pictures of you and your child and family making a difference!  Email them to EHSB at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Also my work Wendy's of Newaygo is a donation site for Cuddles From the Heart!!!!  How amazing to know that my bosses and coworkers believe in what we do!!!  So stop by and see me at work and bring in your blanket!!!  Also now you can drop off blankets at Bills Shop -N- Save or True Value Hardware in Fremont!!  And also Wendy's restaurant's of Muskegon Henry, Sherman, Apple, and Grand Haven!
Cuddles From the Heart MI is starting to collect blankets for newborn through teenagers!  We give out the blankets in December and we would like to have 500 by then.  We are a bit slow in starting to ask for them as last year we began asking for them at the end of July and it is now mid August. 

Cuddles From the Heart (CFH) started two years ago in Iowa by heart mom Stefanie Jacks.  Last year she opened it up for any state to do.  In June I told her I would like to do it for MI and after Ethin passed away later that month I still said that I wanted to do it!  I am so glad that I did!  It was rewarding and amazing to see how much people truly care about others!  So here we are this year hoping to do the same thing.  Our goal last year was 500 and we did just over that.  Same goal this year 500!!!  We can do this!! 

What we need is new homemade or store bought blankets ranging from newborn to teenagers for boys and girls to give out at U of M Mott Children’s Hospital in December.  The blankets are a very comforting thing to many families while they are in there and sometimes just one blanket can make the hospital feel a little less like the hospital.  Ethin’s Heart Still Beats board members are all ready to go to Ann Arbor in December and as a board we decided that we want to do this so you can mail your blankets to
E.H.S.B
9172 S. Croswell Ave.
Newaygo, MI 49337
If you have any questions you can email me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

 

Also I am in need of your favorite recipes!!!  We are teaming up with another non-profit organization called Hope For Bravehearts to create a world-wide From the Heart Cook Book.  You can submit up to 2 recipes and we would like if you can to let us now the caloric intake per serving on your recipe.  You can email them to us at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com  Please include the name of your recipe, your name and where you are from!  Books will be published and available for purchase.  As that info becomes available I will keep you posted! 

So onto the life stuff........WOW I am busy and things are finally slowing down and then they just get busier!  Work keeps me occupied, the kids keep me going, and EHSB gives me a reason to know that Ethin is always here!  

So soccer season is officially done....Normally something I do not like to see happen, but with the heart ball and everything else right now the break before spring will be nice.  It allows me to focus on the big things going on with EHSB. 

Here is a sneak peek on our new family photos!!!

We are HUGE Michigan State fans!!!  By the way have you seen MSU is ranked #5 right now and we are to this point undefeated!  Look out Iowa here we come!  (Stef and Jen I love you guys!)  But I hope we kick some Hawkeye butt!  

So the kids had conferences here last week.  Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde are doing GREAT!!  Jonathin's conference was the BEST conference ever!!!  Jayde is a chatty Kathy and a giggler.  Jessa well she is Jessa and really she never disappoints in conferences! 

Well Halloween is approaching which means that shortly after that everything I hate about the fact that I lost a child is approaching as well.  Is it OK to feel overwhelmed with everthing?  I mean is it OK that even though I am busy as all get out that when I slow down just a little bit I feel overwhelmed?  I feel like I have avoided so much of this for so long and I am still just not ready to face so much of it.  Oh the holidays are coming and there is no stopping it.....

So the big question this year as Thaksgiving is approaching is wether or not I put up a tree this year which I did not do last year.  My problem with this dilema is that I still do not have that perfect ornament that is Ethin.  There is still a void to me with holidays that he is not a part of it.  I pray that God will continue to soften my heart and that perhaps this year will not be as dreadful as last year.

Blessings,

Jessica

Happy Birthday Jonathin!

Lots going on so read a previous update I will even later write about homecoming with a cool pic, but today it's all about this guy...........

Jonathin is 8 years old today!

Sometimes I have a lot to say

2nd Annual Ethin’s Heart Still Beats Heart Ball
Saturday January 8, 2011
VFW Hall
9075 Mason Dr
Newaygo, MI 49337

Doors will open at 5pm
A welcome will happen at 5:30pm
Dinner immediately following the welcome 6pm-7pm eat dinner
7pm Auction
745pm introduction of a speaker
8pm Guest Speaker

Tickets are $30 for one or $50 for two.  Tickets include a four course dinner, open bar, auction bidding paddle, and your night of knowing that Ethin’s Heart Still Beats…..”It Beats in us”


A list of Auction items and a full program will be up as we continue to fill in the details for the ball as well as an announcement of the theme for the night.  Last year was "HOPE" this year the theme is "The Difference of a Heart" If you have any questions or would like to make arrangements for reserving tickets please email Jessica Twigg founder of Ethin's Heart Still Beats at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com or call 616-634-3029

For the Heart Ball this year we are creating a video with kids with CHD's and their families doing things that make a difference...Maybe it's a heart walk, an organization that you founded, or maybe it's going to the hospitals and giving things to patients and families to make their lives a little easier...What ever it is we want you to send us an email and pictures of you and your child and family making a difference!  Email them to EHSB at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Also my work Wendy's of Newaygo is a donation site for Cuddles From the Heart!!!!  How amazing to know that my bosses and coworkers believe in what we do!!!  So stop by and see me at work and bring in your blanket!!!  Also now you can drop off blankets at Bills Shop -N- Save in Fremont!!
Cuddles From the Heart MI is starting to collect blankets for newborn through teenagers!  We give out the blankets in December and we would like to have 500 by then.  We are a bit slow in starting to ask for them as last year we began asking for them at the end of July and it is now mid August. 

Cuddles From the Heart (CFH) started two years ago in Iowa by heart mom Stefanie Jacks.  Last year she opened it up for any state to do.  In June I told her I would like to do it for MI and after Ethin passed away later that month I still said that I wanted to do it!  I am so glad that I did!  It was rewarding and amazing to see how much people truly care about others!  So here we are this year hoping to do the same thing.  Our goal last year was 500 and we did just over that.  Same goal this year 500!!!  We can do this!! 

What we need is new homemade or store bought blankets ranging from newborn to teenagers for boys and girls to give out at U of M Mott Children’s Hospital in December.  The blankets are a very comforting thing to many families while they are in there and sometimes just one blanket can make the hospital feel a little less like the hospital.  Ethin’s Heart Still Beats board members are all ready to go to Ann Arbor in December and as a board we decided that we want to do this so you can mail your blankets to
E.H.S.B
9172 S. Croswell Ave.
Newaygo, MI 49337
If you have any questions you can email me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

This week has been long and strenuous for lots of reasons.  I mean my life truly is still jam packed and full of everything, but the inner need I have to grieve.  Trying to find the healthy balance of grieving and still living is one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn to do.  Ya know I am not sure I am learning to do it I would say I am just doing it.

Soccer season is about half over now and it has been wonderful being able to coach both Jessa and Jayde.  However coaching two teams has been way harder than coaching just one.  Not to mention Jonathin is always at the fields and he in himself is a handful.  He really is my child let there be no doubt!  Not to mention in my small town like most small towns fall is here which also means football has started and it IS a big deal.  So Friday nights there is football!!!  I love fall!  Tomorrow is Homecoming and I am excited to take my kids there for the game this was us in October 2008 at homecoming (I was pregnant for Ethin)....

Yes we went all out... Football is a BIG deal here....

Last year I did not go to homecoming and so this year I am going with the kids and we will have fun we WILL e normal again, We WILL live, but we do still grieve and just because we can learn to do this again does not mean we have forgotten...In my heart I so wish I was dressing Ethin in all black white to go to the Homecoming festivities here.  The reality is I will never do this and it is why I did not go to the game last year, but for the J Triplets I need to move on I have to live again for them and with them.

Looking at these pictures is an odd memory for me as I remember very well the excitement of not just the game, but the fact that our family was going to go from four to five.  Jayde was excited about becoming a big sister and Jonathin was stoked that I was going to have a boy and he was going to have a baby brother, Jessa was so ready to be the big sister again and she talked about how she wanted to help so much.  As of this time of this homecoming game I still had not told them how special their brothers heart was.  They had no idea.  Maybe I could have prepared them better, but I did not and now Ethin is very much a memory to them.  The truth is maybe I should have prepared myself a little more.  Ethin is so much more than just a memory to me he is a part of me that is gone.  He is a part of me that I am missing and I can not get back.  I am not ready to grieve and I am not ready to let go.  That right there is the key answer to my problem....I am not ready to let go and grieve I fear that if I fully grieve Ethin I will let him go and he will become just a memory to me...

Another thing this week that has been hard is that the CHD community has lost 9 CHD'ers.  1 is to many but 9 in one week!!!  And who knows how many more....Also today there is a family that I have gotten to know through the CHD community that there son today would have been one....Aiden Matthew Beers was born a year ago today and his parents like me last January do not get to watch him eat his first birthday cake.  It just is not fair!!!  It is not fair that there are other parents who know how I feel, It is not fair that I know what other parents are going through, it is not fair that CHD's claim so many lives!  IT IS NOT FAIR and it makes me mad and angry and it makes me cry.  It saddens my heart!
I may be all over the place and for that I am sorry....But back to football....I am a HUGE Michigan State fan.  This Saturday is the big game for MSU and U of M football fans.  So I will be watching football on Saturday too.  And Stef when you read this I just want you to know that we are going to win against Iowa this year too!!  LOL GO STATE all the way!

Blessings,

Jessica

The Tree

Mommy I want to share some things with you so you know I am just fine

Jesus sat with me in his garden and we talked about how it is OK to sometimes send you a sign

We talked about how happy he is when I show other kids where to play

And He told me how proud He is that I never forget to pray

Jesus walked me to a special place in His garden and showed me a beautiful tree

Mommy He said that tree grows with the love you hold for me

I think it may be the biggest tree in the garden and some branches are extra long

When I asked God about those branches He said those ones are when you have been extra strong

There are some knots in the tree and my wondering mind just had to ask I wanted to know

Jesus said that sometimes your life has been rough but you always turn to Him and from that you grow

While I stood there and examined the tree Jesus said it was time to help you truly heal

He said we'd carve a heart and it would imprint yours but He promised no pain from this carving you'd feel

Jesus pulled me on his lap and tickled my belly and asked if I wanted to help you feel better

Then he sat me down and told me to go ahead and write you this letter

So here I am mommy I want you to know I am OK and I am learning things you wanted me to

I am proud of you mommy and just keep looking for my signs I send, remember that I love you!

Jessica Twigg October 8, 2010

This is one of my favorite pictures of Ethin and I