Of all the things I do not understand I just do not understand the loss of a child.......I have lost my child and I do not understand it. I have so many things I want to write and say to my friends that have just lost their child and I can't bring myself to do it. And so many times I I have so much I want to write and say here and then I just don't do it. You see I focus so hard on trying to be "normal" that I just stopped acknowledging my grief to the outside world. Then June came and it started to slip out like a dam with a tiny crack and then Friday I got the text message that Lindsay had gone to Heaven and it completely broke the dam before the 27th of this month.
Two years ago at U of M during the first days of June Ethin and Lindsay were still in moderate care together in the same room, Sofi was in ICU, and the Butcher's came to see us all once a week. The morning of June 3, 2009 I was walking to Ethin's room and the halls were so full and cramped with so many people and such a commotion. When I got to Ethin's room I looked over at Suzie and asked what was going on and she told me me Tommy (Ethin's Heart Brother) was getting his new heart. This was a much needed miracle and uplifting thing for the Heart family at Mott as Ethan Bilpo had just passed away on May 20, 2009. Ethan and Tommy were best buds and Ethan did not get his heart in time. Tommy received his heart that night and the following day Suzie left the hospital and there I was in the room with Ethin looking over at Lindsay and nurses kept coming in smiling, laughing, & crying going up to Lindsay. Finally I was told Lindsay was also getting the gift of life a new heart. Two Hearts in two days. Lindsay would not be in Ethin's room, but would be in ICU with Tommy and Sofi. Within days Lindsay was out of ICU and in the private room right next to Ethin which had all glass doors my punk was still with the princess! Lindsay coded and went back to ICU. Those two weeks were full of ups and downs as Sofi too was still in ICU. By mid June Tommy, Lindsay, and Ethin were all out on the general floor. Tommy and Lindsay in private rooms cuz of transplant and Ethin in a normal room. Sofi was still around the corner in ICU. Not to be out done the last general care private room was occupied by Britt Butcher who got appendicitis.
At the time it seemed like it just would not have an end, but today I look back and we were all together. We were a family. We were all down the hall and just around the corners from one another. Our beloved Heart Warriors, Princess', Punks they were all alive. We were all there to hug one another in the middle of the night. Colleen one night held Ethin after Tommy had fallen asleep but she could not sleep. I had great conversations with Brett, Colleen, Suzie, and Krissy. Oh the conversations Krissy and I shared in those hospital walls. You see we were a unit. Then it all changed.....
Ethin who really seemed so promising in the heart world the way he fought won his ultimate fight and God scooped him up in his arms and carried home. That day is etched in my mind as I went back to the hospital. Britt had been discharged, Sofi in ICU, Lindsay and Tommy at opposite ends of the hall. However the Butchers came that day to be with me, Krissy (Sofi) NEVER left my side, Colleen (Tommy) updated my carepage, and Suzie & JR (Lindsay) offered a quiet retreat that was dark and away from the others, Lindsay's room had a room you had to go through to get to hers. I am not even sure if they know it but the moments they let me slip in there that day I needed desperately. And everyone, EVERY single heart family at that hospital gave there love, prayers, a hug, and support. This community is a family and we are shattered all the time! It is not fair!
I could never imagine what my Heart family went through when I lost Ethin. And now I am going through it. I can not imagine what Suzie and JR are going through it and I have been through it. This is unimaginable. I wish that this was different than it is. I so badly want it to be different. I want my phone to go off and for it to be a text saying that Lindsay is OK. Even after two years I want my phone to ring and someone to tell me they have Ethin. The pain I feel is so unreal. It is devastating. I not only feel the loss of Lindsay it just intensified the loss of Ethin. and that in itself makes me feel wrong that while my friends have suffered something so horrific I can not help but miss Ethin as it is June. My birthday is Thursday which is also the last day two years ago I ever took a picture of my son alive.
Thursday on my birthday I will be at Lindsay's viewing. Friday I will say goodbye to the Princess that brightened my son's room for month's. I am saying goodbye to a little girl that I have quietly watched continue to flourish and grow as a way to help me heal through the loss of my son. Lindsay you truly will always be a Princess to all who know you all the lives you have touched. Thank you for being such an amazing Heart Sister to Ethin! He was lucky to look over at you and draw strength while you were together. Play hard with the Punk in Heaven Princess!
The things in this life that happen that leave asking why
Try to just trust God and try not to cry
While we are left here and do not quite understand
I imagine that she smiled and took her savior's hand
With her curiosity beaming ever so bright
She entered Heaven the same as she did here with an exhilarating light
Papa Yum Yum ready to greet her hoist her up into his lap
With excitement and glee that smile that lights up a room her two little hands began to clap
Word get around fast in Heaven and a Princess' arrival is not had every day
Before long there were familiar faces to her ones that had been waiting to play
Annabelle ran and gave her hug only sisters can share
While Lindsay ran up not far behind they shared the spelling of their name that was rare
Connor was ready to play he was excited and jumping up down
Luke was there too his laugh was heard all around
Ethin what a punk ready to see his room mate and give her a smile
The much wiser of the Ethan's came walking up the Princess mile
With a heart felt hug she thanked him for his request two years ago
Love is never ending this picture of Heaven surely must show
And in the midst of all that someone walked up and thanked her for living so fully for them both
It was apparent who this little person was the love was immediate between them with rapid growth
The Princess walked back over to Yum Yum and crawled in his lap question in her eye
Jesus walked over and picked her up already knowing and said these words as he wiped the last tear she'd ever cry away from her eye
"Sweet Princess I chose you so carefully and you did well
Your mommy & daddy they love you and I promise that they will not quell
I chose them as carefully as I chose you I will be with them like I have always been with you
This will be hard for them, but I have sent them Angels too....
So sweet Princess this is not forever and they to know that, but until then run along with all those here that love you and remember that one day you'll all be together in Heaven Forever!
Jessica Twigg
June 20, 2011
Written for Lindsay "Princess" Dean
american girl birthday
6 years ago
