Wow what a couple of months. Etihn's Heart Still Beats keeps me very busy. On top of that though I have my kids, my job, and dare I say it a boyfriend that I am completely in love with.....So many of you are pry wondering what has been going on in my life as I have completely eluded the blog world on a personal level. So here it goes....
The kids are all doing well. They are growing like weeds and I love my time with them. They always bring up their brother which is nice as I still NEED and LOVE to hear Ethin's name and talk about him. The kids are doing much better with not having Ethin here. The holidays were overwhelmingly hard on all of us, but as a family we did it. Jayde however is constantly telling me she wishes she could be a big sister. That at times is so hard for me, because it does make her sad that she does not get to experience that. She wants me to have another baby all the time, but she also understands that I will not be doing that. She really was a great big sister and so many times I also wish that I was able to watch her be a big sister. So it goes that some things are not the way we want them. So it also goes that there is some pain that I can not take away from my kids no matter how bad I wish I could. As a family though we are strong and we continue to get stronger as we go through this together.
So it goes also that as I have said many times that this pain does not ever get any better. I would still stand very firm on that statement and say that it does not get better. However it does continue to get different and that different is really becoming a new normal in our home. Life also has continued to move on in a forward direction. A year ago I was still on my year off from work. Now I have been at my job 10 months and in a week and half I will be in management. A year ago I was roommating with a friend and I have now been in my own apartment for 7 months. So life does go on. I think that I could say that it has mostly gone on in a positive uphill motion. I am truly happy and feel so very blessed.
So it goes that I am happy I am still sad. So it goes that my life is so very full yet so very empty. The total opposite feelings are still there and most days I am sure that life will always be that way. I have been so blessed in life yet as I have started going back to church and I sit there and listen to the sermons I can not help but just let the tears roll down my cheeks as I question God's authority in my life. So it goes that I am far from perfect and am thankful that God loves me just the way He made me.
When I talk about the blessings in my life I guess that the one area in my life that I have kept from my blog is my "love" life. It was easy to hide this area of my life when I started my blog, because it did not exist. So my confession is that once it did I still never really let on that there was something huge and important going on in my life. I have now been dating my best friend for almost 8 months. It has been amazing. He helped me get through that first angelversary. He was just there for me when I needed him and before either of us knew it there were a ton of feelings that had developed. July came and we both finally fessed up our feelings and have been together since. It has had its ups and downs, but has been pretty darn amazing to me. I have never in my life felt so much for one person that was not one of my children. He is truly the best part of everyday and he is the one person I can not imagine my life without. And so it goes dare I say it, but I have fallen head over heels in love. I posted pictures of him on my last update.
Life is moving forward and so it goes that there is and always will be a part of me missing, but I know that I can do this. I know that I am needed here and that even though Ethn is not physically here he is everywhere. The last year and a half as hard as it has been God has put everything in place for my children and I to continue living a happy and meaningful life. Ethin changed everything that my life was or ever would be. There is nothing in my life at this very moment that Ethin was not a part of in some way. My children and I look for Ethin in everything we do and we make sure that he is a part of our life. I am positive that if Ethin were here life would be different for us than it is now, but I am also very positive that Ethin changed everything. God has been working in my life and showing me countless blessings through the loss of a child. This blog since Ethin passed away ahas been just that a way for me to express my feelings and share my life as I walked through it after the loss of a child. This has been and always will be my journey through grief, hope, and faith. However I am starting to see that this is not just about my grief anymore, but the happiness that is overflowing in my life. So in the next weeks I am going to be changing the blog a little bit. This is my journey through grief, hope, faith, and learning to live happy again! My journey through life with part of me in Heaven, but having happiness here. My journey through life as it goes from extreme to extremely wonderful!......Needless to say I am in need of some titles for the blog and what to use on the title sequence at the top. Please share with me your ideas!
Thank You from the bottom of my heart for being such a huge support for my kids and I, God Bless,
Jessica
Me with the all the Heart dads there Matt Goodfellow, Mike LaPres, & Leonard Amador 
american girl birthday
6 years ago
