I guess in starting I want to tell you that my friend Stefanie used Ethin this week for her Heart Heroes on her page When Life Hands You A Broken Heart. For me this is just another way that Ethin is touching lives. He is my Hero. I am honored that she chose him this week and I am proud of him for touching her life in such a way that she included him on this list of Heart Heroes!
Alright well on with the mess I call my broken heart. I am watching my life spin completely out of control and for whatever reason I can not stop it. I really just feel like the world is swallowing me whole. My grief is is consuming, overwhelming, painful, and selfish. Consuming as it is really consumes who I am, Overwhelming as I am unsure how to deal with it anymore, Painful for all the obvious reasons, and selfish because no matter what I do I can not come out of it.
It is selfish, because I have 3 other amazing kids who need me and for the life of me even they can not help me come out of it. I try to focus on them and all I can think is that they do not replace Ethin they are not Ethin. They are Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde and I love them for who they are. They are each so amazingly perfect in their own way yet I must be a bad parent or something as not even my love for them or the fact that I know they need me as much as they do is helping me.
How is it that even at this point I am worried about me. I went to counseling tonight like I do every Tuesday night. I am the last patient as to avoid all other people. Being around to many people sober is a task that I can not handle. However if you are a people watcher I suppose it may be interesting to see. By the time I get out of the lobby and into the office all my nails are gone. Well tonight by the time I was done I will be going back on Friday. Yep I will see my "coach" twice this week and pry twice a week for a while. Hot DOG!!!
I miss me. I miss who I was. I miss the me that enjoyed being around. I can barely tolerate myself these days. Most days I do not even tolerate myself. Trying to find a level ground through this is next to impossible. Even knowing what I know now I would never have changed my decision to have Ethin. That sounds so crazy.
Having Ethin was the most amazing thing in the world to me. I remember at this time last year I was preparing to have him. I was feeling him kick inside of me and move. I was star watching with him and telling him about the world and winter and holidays. Now I am talking to myself about how I wish all this was not happening.
I want the world to stop with me. I want the world to just stop. Did the world not realize that my son died. My son is dead he is gone and he's not coming back. Ethin is not alive yet I am expected to keep living?! How is this fair or doable? I just want to scream at people specially right now when everyone is so cheery..."DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT MY BABY DIED!!! DO YOU NOT KNOW I DO NOT GET TO CELEBRATE HIS FIRST CHRISTMAS!!!!" Yep that is what I want to scream.
Dear God I have so many questions and they burn
I am really trying to see what is you want me to learn
My eyes are open but my heart is broken
So many words you have left unspoken
Please show me the way
Father I need you to carry me day to day
Help me to figure this out and understand
I'm reaching out take my hand
You're there I know you are
Otherwise I would not be this far
God are you listening to me can you hear?
Sometimes I feel like what your saying is not clear
I've read your words I know you have a master plan
I want to do this and with you I know I can
Right now I am hurting and I'm coming to you on bended knee
The pain I feel can you help me past it help me see?
I miss you in my life and the conversations we used to share
My hurt is to much now it's more than I can bare
Lord I am coming to you for I know you are the way
God please continue to carry me through the day.
Jessica Twigg
12-2-09
Please pray for Logan, Derrick, and Brittney
Blessings, Jessica
4 comments:
Jess,
It is ok to be carried when you need it. I am sorry that you are feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. Allow God to carry some of that weight... and allow us to carry some of that weight as well.
{{{HUG}}}
Stef, Ryan, Wyatt and Logan
http://www.whenlifehandsyouabrokenheart.blogspot.com
Jess,
I'm so sorry that you're feeling so much pressure. Please let us help carry you. Your poem was beautiful, and I'm glad you know God is there, even though sometimes it may not feel like it.
You're always in our prayers!
Big heart hugs and prayers,
Shannon
Jess,
My heart breaks every time I read your posts, I just wish there was SOMETHING I could do or say to help. I'm so proud of how honest and transparent you've been through your grief. I know that you will one day be a great helper for others in your situation.
Love,
Cassie
Hi Jessica,
I am so very very very very sorry for the loss of your beautiful son! You have the right to be mad! How dare the world go on! I agree. I can't fully understand what you feel, but I live with the fear of it everyday. It is not fair that your son is not here. It is normal you are feeling this way. You can see your son again. Not in heaven but here on earth. God and Jesus promise us this. God will rise him up and you can be there to greet him, hold him, love him, kiss him again and he will have a healed heart. It is never in Gods plan to take a child from his parents arms. God is love and that is not a loving thing to do. Do not feel bad about not feeling thankful on Thanksgiving Day, it is a man made holiday. We should be thankful and live in gratitude everyday to God not just once a year. But God understands exactly how you feel and is safe keeping each and every tear you have shed. He knows your pain and your heart. He cares and loves you. He want's you to know He didn't cause this to happen. He as allowed it, but he will not be silent forever. And those who have been hurt or lost along the way he will remember. I normally I am not so forward in a comment. But I can really feel and sense your deep pain and desperation. I would be the same. Just, please, I ask you to allow yourself to read this
http://www.watchtower.org/e/bh/article_07.htm
http://www.watchtower.org/e/we/article_00.htm
It will not take away your pain, it will minimize it just a little when you get the answers to your questions. But your true healing will not come until God's new world. When His Kingdom come's and His will takes place, as in heaven, also upon earth. God's Kingdom will fix all the troubles of earth and reverse sickness and death no other earthly government can promise much less accomplish that. I will pray you find the peace of God as you walk in the valley of deep shadow. I will pray you can have strength and feel joy again for your and your other beautiful children sake. It does not mean you will not love Ethin, you will always love him. It will not mean you have forgotten him. It will mean you will celebrate his life and his memory everyday. Continue to lean on God. And feel free to continue sharing with us, your heart mom friends. {{{Heart Hugs}}}
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