Writers' Block Be Gone from my Blog!!!

What a week!!!  Cuddles From the Heart MI happened for Mott and turned out well.  It is posted on the webs site please go and read: Cuddles From the Heart.  (http://cuddlesfromtheheart.blogspot.com/)  However I will say that I will still be collecting blankets as we are hoping to do more hospitals so Cuddles From the Heart is still on in Michigan.  Hoping to blanket DeVos Children's Hospital in Grand Rapids, MI next.  Still the same requirements brand new store bought or homemade blankets you can mail them to me at 513 Sunset Dr. Newaygo, MI  email me with any questions chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Next I have to tell you that on Monday I went and picked up 103 blankets and they handed me a gift bag and said this one is for you.  I was taken back and said thank you gave them their Ethin bracelets and hugged them and said goodbye.  When I got home I looked at MY blanket.  It is beautiful.  It is fleece and has crocheted ends and the fleece is angels playing with children.  How perfect.  Thank you Katie and Sue I love my blanket that you made for me.

Also the ball is coming and I would love to fill this hall.  Please go to the website an check it out.  Ethin's Heart Still Beats Heart Ball

Also I got a very saddening phone call on Wed. morning.  A Heart Mom friend of mine called to me to tell me that her son Ricky passed away on Monday morning.   Really life is so unfair and I know to many people that have lost their children and I know the names of to many babies that have died.  To many children that did not live long enough.  I know way to many!!!!  IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!

Sunday I lit a candle for Ethin and some for others here is the picture of the candle for Ethin that was lit for an hour.

 Ethin RaiLuc Twigg January 9, 2009-June 27, 2009  I Love You!!!

Sunday was another day that I realized I just know to many.  So dang unfair!

Forever more I just wish it were all different.  I wish my heart did not hurt the way that it does and that my arms were not so empty like they are.  I truly miss Ethin with all my heart.  I trust that God has a plan, but I wish the plan was not so hard.  I wish it did not hurt the way it does.

I find myself lately feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the thoughts and feeings again.  I am not sure if it is the time of year or the year is almost up or that this really is all just feeling like to much.  To much for one person to go through, to much to ask a person to endure, and to much to to do alone so I guess I am lucky that I have God who is willing to carry me through it.  I also at times though feel like I am alone physically.  There are just times I want to cry and know that someone is going to let me cry and be here to tell me it's OK.

Well I did counseling again twice this week.  On Tuesday and then again today by my request of the crappy feelings I am having.  I punched a door a couple times it felt good at first, but the bruising setting in makes think it might have been a bad idea.  Overall I think as the holidays are creeping up I am feeling more upset.  Somehow I just need to get through this.  I need to trust that God is going to carry me through it.  With Christmas coming I think I feel like such a let down.

Worst of all I can not even find him a perfect ornament.  Now I have been struggling with this and thanks to another angel mom that wrote about it I feel like it is OK to tell you all that I am not doing well with it.  I need the perfect ornament for Ethin.  Everyone said when I sen it I would know, but I am not seeing it and now it is starting to eat at me.  It hurts that I can not find one.  I guess a stupid thing to be upset about when I do not even have a tree up, but it is important to me.  This is not to say that I am not thankful for what I do have or what was given to me.  The funeral home had a beautiful red bulb made and I love it.  My friend Pat gave me a cute little glass heart, but I still need to find one that is perfect for Ethin.  I have ideas floating in my head, but just can not seem to find one.  I am sure that not getting out in the stores during this joyous time of year is not helping any.

Also there is the dilemma that the Christmas Eve Candle Light Service at my church is approaching.  I am not singing this year which is different and maybe even slightly difficult to handle that I am not doing anything for the service.  (It is my favorite service of the year)  But now I am not sure if I am even going to go.  I know everyone there will be in all sorts of great spirits and really I am afraid since I will not have a task a reason to stay all held together that I will be a blubbering idiot.  Oh forever more!!!

Alright I guess that is enough here.  Something good this week was I enjoyed a nice lunch on Tuesday with Pat a friend from church.  She has known me for as long as I have known her and that is a long time.  It was ice to just be with her and no that there was no expectations.  Matter of fact it was the opposite she wanted to know what people could do to make this easier, she talked bout Ethin, and mostly she listened and kicked my butt only when I needed it.  Since I know your reading this I love you thanks for Tuesday I much enjoyed my time with you!

Prayers please for the following:

Delorey's

Ricky's family as they grieve his loss at this time

Logan for his cath at the end of the month

Jordan has a surgery and cath after the holidays

Derrick has a cath on Wed.

Andrew and his family

All of those traveling this next week

Blessings,

Jessica

There are no lights strung upon a tree this year

No decorations or pictures of Chritmas cheer

No shopping for first Christmas onsies or cute Christmas clothes to wear

Instead I am holding empty arms with a broken heart thinking life's not fair

No Christmas Eve candle light service the glow upon your face

All I have is your blanket and monkey to embrace

No special photos marking your first Christmas here on Earth

I do not get to share with you the special story of Christ's birth

No watching Polar Express or listening to a holiday song

Instead I am looking at your picture trying to stay strong

I can not find the special ornament that represents you

None of them are special enough I can not find one that will do

I wonder what Christmas will be like for you up there

All I can do is fall on my knees and hope that God will share this prayer

Heavenly Father, I love my son and miss him so

Will you take him to the place in heaven where there is snow?

Tell him the true meaning of Christmas and about the perfect gift

Let him know about the angels and the shepherds who were on the night shift

Tell him of Joseph and Mary who followed your every plan

Let him know I am trying to do the same though I may not understand

God tell him how your son saved this world down here

And tell him as my son I was proud that he showed no fear

Make sure you tell him how I much I love him and long to see his face

God tell him how your gift will make this happen tell him of your saving grace

Take him on Christmas morning somewhere where he can see me I will send a kiss to the Heaven's above

God will you please make sure he knows that the day here for me may seem long, but I am sending him all my love!

Amen