What a Year

Alright I guess I may have a lot to say here as it has been a while sine a real update has taken place.  However the problem with updatiung lately really has been that everyone was centered around the holiday and happy with the way things were that I did not want to update and bring anypne down or disappoint anyone further than I already had.  So I guess I will start with last week about this time and come to where I am right now and round out my blog for the year. 
So last week about this time was Christmas.  I spent Christmas with some very good friends I met at the hospital.  I got to their house on Wednesday night and it was icy and I fell down three cement steps and fractured two ribs.  We all woke up on Christmas morning and did what most families do.  Gifts under the trr that needed to be opened.  I got a a very cool Tigers ornament and a few other things.  It was weird though opening up gifts and trying to just be happy.  All I could think was Ethin was not there with me.  Their grandson who was just shy of being one was there opening gifts and I was so empty as I watched on with a complete emptiness.
So the day went on and their family started to show up with tons of food.  The food spread across the kitchen from one end to the other.  After dinner I tried to migrate any where that I could try to be alone.  I know that this was not what others wanted, but it really was just to much to be around so many people.  I eventually found myself outside alone just crying and breaking down.  Christmas Day was so painful yet other parts of it just felt like any other day.  Needless to say by the time I went to lay down I cuddled right up with Ethin's monkey and blanket and cried myself to sleep. 
I awoke on Saturday and trekked my home.  I stopped in Grand Rapids to see my family there for a while and enjoyed a nice lunch with them and some much needed time with my cousin who is in the Army.  From there I went home and slept.
Waking up on Sunday the 27th was the worst.  The day I had dreaded had finally arrived.  Ethin had been gone longer than he was alive!  Really this had to hapen!!!!  Why me why did this happen to me and my family.  Needless to say I pulled myself out of bed to go to my grandma's for Christmas with my family and my kids.  I loved the time with my kids and grandma.  However everything else that happened there left me angry, resentful, and exhausted.  Not at my kids or grandma but everyone else there.  I gave my family a picture of Ethin and not a one of them thanked me.  Not a one of them even mentioned my son their nephew and grandson's name!!!!  Really no one cared enough to even mention him to me.  I was so crushed.  I guess I just assumed my family of all people would at least ask about things, or mention his name!
Monday I drove a very good friend of mine to MSU hospital for some tests.  I was glad to spend time with her as she has been such a good friend.  Her news was hard to hear.  Also when I got home a fellow heart mom friend who recently lost her son was at my house to spend a few days. 
To be honest this may have been the best part of everything in the last month.  It was heart breaking to hear her, but it was so nice to know that I did not have to pretend at all about how I am feeling.  We were both with someone who totally understood exactly what it was like the last week.  Everyone smiling and happy saying merry Christmas.  YUCK!!!!  Her and I were angry and did not feel out of place being so.  We went to the cemetery here and I cried and knew that it was OK that she ws there I did not make her uncomfortable with my tears as she too has them and understood my break down there. 
We went to church last night and the sermon was on the woman who had mega faith.  We both thought the sermon was quite fitting.  I went to say good bye to a friend that was there and when I hugged him I had a few tears and when I hugged him he said to me this, "You have Mega Faith"  This made me cry a bit more as I through my tears back told him but it wasn't enough.  Trisha and I went home had a great dinner together and watched a movie.  When she woke up today she left with plans to be back with her husband next week Friday for the ball.
Then I was all alone again.  I was again completely and utterly alone in this world that just does not make sense to me.  One that seems to eat me alive and tear me down to so little.  So I quickly got in my van and drove to Grand Rapids where my family was ready to have me to bring in the new year.  However I am now just on the verge of tears here and would rather go home to make sure I am out at the cemetery to bring in the new year.
So there is the catch up of events.  All that has happened this week.  However all that I have to say is not done so bare with me please.
What an amazing, horrible, awful, and humbling year.  Yes all those things and more I am sure.  I think of this year and I want to scream yet mostly tears just fall.  This year has been so long and so exhausting.  So this year I gave birth to Ethin, left the J triplets to be with Ethin, watched Ethin go through 3 open heart surgeries, 1 diaphragm surgery, countless intubations and extubations, countless Echos of his heart, 3 heart caths, Lost count of the IV's, I buried my son, Collected countless letters for Letters of Hope, Wrote every state Rep in MI about the Congenital Heart Futures Act, Held Ethin's Balloon Release, Completed the first year of Cuddles from the Heart MI, Began the Heart Ball prepping, and wrote a letter to the governor asking for a proclamation for CHD week in MI.  None of this includes the little things here and there that have happened this truly is just the major things that I can think of.  Yes the year is done and all I can think of doing is crying as I lok back on the year.
The year had so many ups and downs, but Ethin was a par tof it all!  I look forward to 2010 as I know Ethin will continue to be a part of it.  I also look forward to spending the next year with Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde as this past year was so hard for all of us.  I know that the year coming will be hard as there is still so much I have no worked through, but I look forward tot he many great things that God has in store for me for 2010.  So Blessings to you all for a great 2010!

"If Tears could build a stairway and Memories a lane, I's walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again."

Happy New Year Ethin I love you!