My Time With God

I am constantly starting my blog with the Heart Ball and the Cuddles from the Heart. Well today on this blog I am just going to encourage you for the Heart Ball click the link for it on the right side of the screen and for the Cuddles From the Heart please read an older post. I am doing this, because I just feel the need to write. With that some of this may seem random and I am sorry for that.
I suppose I will start with some good news.....On October 26, 2009 my baby sister gave birth to a healthy baby boy named Landon James. He was 19in long and weighed a whopping 9lbs 3oz. He ended being born C-Section as he was breech, but my sister Alivia and Landon are both doing great. I am a real aunt!!!!
So I talked on the phone with my sister tonight and I heard Landon cry. I had to let her go, because it was just to much. I want to go see them when I am not sick which I will get to that, but I am worried. I have been around babies and all, but it is never an easy task for me. I wish I felt normal again.
I was at the doctor today and I tested positive for strep throat. Then last night I started running high fevers and was just blah and felt so much worse. So off to the ER I went to discover I have pneumonia again, Strep throat, a viral infection in my body, and a UTI. God these are lemons and they are all yours!!! I have a healer on my side I will kick this!
Also Halloween came and went and I did not get to dress up my punk for his first Halloween. It was a rather painful thing. I did make him a pumpkin, but I did not get to celebrate the fun of Halloween with him. I thought about what it would have been like and I am sure I would have dressed up as a hot pepper! LOL Although I could not celebrate his first Halloween I did get to give him a pumpkin. So this silly holiday was hard I have to be honest I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving or to Christmas.
Now in bringing that up I am really seriously not wanting these holidays to come. I am worried about the emotions it will drag up for me. I keep thinking that I need to make Ethin a part of our traditions. So I am keeping my eyes peeled for something special to put on our Christmas tree which goes up on Thanksgiving. I need to have a way to have him be a part of it.
Well so holidays are fast approaching and I am dreading it. I more so lately miss him tremendously and am afraid to really blog about it, because I just can not take anymore negative judgment passed on me for how I feel. I have tried to focus my blogs lately on everything but how I am really feeling.....This is not working for me. I miss Ethin and I just keep imagining how different everything would be if he was still here. My hopes and dreams all changed on June 27. However I want to share how I think things would be....
Ethin would have came home in July. The J Triplets and I and Ethin would have taken our vacation to SD, IA, and SC. We would have experienced some things knowing another surgery was creeping up. Ethin would have had his Heart Cath September 28th and would have had his Hemi-Fontan again on October 1. Once he was recovered we would have come home again and been normal. We would have had a real family portrait taken. His CHD quilt would not have been adjusted. The original one was shown in the last blog however this is what it looks like now notice his Angel date has been added.So yes life would be so different. However I also think that I am really starting to see some purpose in all of this. The Heart Ball is going forward. Letters of Hope for Broken Hearts boomed after Ethin went to Heaven. My email was flooded with letters from so many people. The Cuddles from the HEart Program in MI is going so well!!!! Ethin going to be with God is the most painful thing I have ever been through, but I see how God used Ethin and still uses Ethin everyday!
Yes I am slowly finding my faith again. Many know that this has been a struffle for me since Ethin passed away. It has also been a very painful thing for me to go through as I sincerely felt like I lost my son and God. This is so untrue. I have Ethin in me and everything I do. I see Ethin's smile when Jonathin smiles as Ethin had his brothers smile. And I have a God that loves me and is still helping me do this. God has carried me this far but I was so angry that I simply refused to believe that. The next stuff I am about to write may be unbelivable to some, but it is the best recollection I have and I need to share it....
On September 28 I was hospitalized. My respitory drive was depleted and I was intubated. I was breathing by a machine. My friends all say they were there with me talking to me and holding my hand, but I was not there with them I was somewhere else.
I was in a very beautiful open field that smelled of all the wonderful things in life that I love. There was the smell of my grndmas homemade cookies, my grandfathers cologne, and the breeze rushed on my face and I smelled Ethin. I looked all across the field and there he was by a tree on a path. I could see he was being held and I as I approached I could hear Ethin communicating to me. He really was in the arms of God.
Now I can tell you that there really is no way to describe where I was or what I was seeing. I do not have the words that would describe all that it was and the amazingness of it. I can tell you that God's face was the most beautiful face I have ever layed my eyes upon. Ethin was pink and healthy looking and he was smiling. He communicated but not with loud words. And God spoke too. Ethin is Happy and he plays. Ethin loves me and knows that I love him. He knows that I am needed here. His wisdom was very much beyond my belief. My communcation with Ethin was everything I needed it to be. I told him how sorry I was and that I loved him and I missed him. I cried and I got to touch him and kiss his head.
My conversation with God however was much more painful than the communication I had with Ethin. The first thing I said to God was what did I do wrong? He simply said nothing. He told me He loved me and i did nothing wrong. He told me that He has cried many times with me and for me. That I would get through this and He would not just let me drown it. Somehow the words I wanted to say never had to be said God knew. And he spoke from that knowing. He knows that I am hurting and he hurts too. I did nothing wrong. He understands that I am angry and he is not mad at me for that. He spoke to me with such an understanding of everything that I felt.
God showed me Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde. He explained that they needed me, but he also told me that I had to decide. I looked at Ethin I told him I loved him, that I was proud of him, I miss him so very much, but I had to stay with his sisters and brother. Ethin smiled he let me know it was OK and that he was safe. I kissed Ethin on the cheek and I looked at God and told him I wanted to live that I needed to live. He said yes and I was awake with doctors and nurses standing over my bed telling me to calm down they would take out the tube.
They did take the tube out and a few hours later when I woke up I felt a lot of things. I felt at peace, but I also felt very empty. I felt very empty coming back here. This Earth is just nothing in comparrisson to where I was. However I felt at peace knowing Ethin is alright. I also felt good that I finally got to say goodbye. I felt at peace knowing God loves me and I did nothing wrong.
This is a very awkward thing to share and I am writing it with tears in my yes, but I needed to just write it down. I know it sounds crazy, but it is the most real thing I have ever experienced. And it has allowed me to slowly fill my life back up with God. With Faith and Hope. I have no idea why all this happened to me, but I do know that God is not far from us ever. He never did leave me. And I honestly feel he gave me that time knowing that I needed it.
After sharing this there really is nothing more to say. PLease keep the following in your prayers... My sister and Landon as Alivia recovers from her c-section and Landon to stay healthy in the midst of all the sickness, My pastors one in Israel and both for my ones dad as he continues to fight the cancer he has, My friend Rick Delorey who is now out of ICU but still fighting his cancer and clots in his lungs, Leslie and her boys, Mira a heart baby that it looks like she will be going on the transplant list, the Heart Ball, and my kids and I as we continue to grieve for Ethin.
Blessings,