You say Thanksgiving I say Thursday

Wow I just am having such a hard time finding the words to write and the things I want to say. Weird 2 weeks ago I was writing like crazy I could not stop and now I am unsure how to put it all into words. So here we go for nothing.
First off thank you so much for praying for Luke. He is home now.
Next off I guess I should say that I am having a very hard time with all of this. I feel so much and nothing all at once. I am slowly taking myself away from the world. My "coach" says this is not good, but really he has no idea how hard all this is. Now do not get me wrong he is a good counselor. However I just wish I did not need to see him. But I do and so I go. The way I see it at least it gets me outta the house for an hour right???
Yes I have spent about 95% of the last week locked in my house. I have no need or want to leave my home. If it were not for Inge I am sure I would not even go outside of the front door. However because of her and the fact that cleaning dog messes is not appealing I do at least take her out.
So Thursday is fast approaching.....Not looking forward to it I will not lie I am very much dreading the whole day. Everyone being thankful, happy, and smiling right now is just not my bag ya know??? Thursday is a reminder of a big day that Ethin is not here for. Please do not get me wrong I am thankful for the J Triplets, but they will be with their dad so really what the hell am I supposed to do???? I will not be a mother on that day and it is a day I need to feel like I am needed.
I was guilted into going to my family's house even though I offered to cook dinner here! I still am going to cook here as I am sure that will be short lived. My fuse is already so short and I know that it is not going to be any longer on Thursday. So I am going to do my best to plaster the fake smile on my face and do this whole "family" thing that I do NOT want to do. Thankfully my family all drinks so I know there will be a glass of wine with my name on it. Oh how I hate wine, but I have a feeling I may need it.
Then the day after Thursday is nothing more than a reminder of the fact that Ethin has been gone for 5 months. 5 very long, exhausting, emotionally draining months since my punk left this Earth and Heaven gained an angel. I can not believe it's been that long yet at times it still feels like yesterday I was on the phone pleading with Dr. Goldstein to not let him die, begging him to keep Ethin alive until I could get there. That was not the case and Ethin was gone. 5 months ago I held his lifeless body in my arms and cried begging him to wake up.
Dear God how did this happen to me??? How did I become the parent that left without my baby??? How am I the one with such an empty heart and very empty arms??? Last year on Thursday I was very full of food, still having morning sickness, and feeling him kick in my belly. He was still SAFE. Now he is gone and I am so forever changed.
Ya know if life was everything I wanted it to be Ethin would be here and Thursday would be Thanksgiving not just Thursday. If he were here I would be so thankful and so happy to go be with my family. BUT he's NOT!!! HE IS NOT HERE!!! And I do not want to do this!! Life is so unfair and so damn cruel the way it cuts you deep to the core. Yes I am angry while everyone around me is thankful and happy. I am down right depressed and livid!
Oh I am so sorry that you are all reading this. This is why I have not wrote. I feel as though I am regressing and so badly do not want to disappoint any of you. I am thankful for all of you. I just needed to get all that out. Now I want to say a few things that are good....
I am thankful for Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde
I am thankful for Ethin
I am thankful for my amazing grandma
I am thankful for my heart family that spreads across the entire USA
I am thankful for all the medical staff at Mott
I am also thankful for the very awkwardly warm weather in MI
OK I also have some big news.....I am hoping to do the handout for the Cuddles from the Heart program in December so I need all th blankets by November 30. You can mail your new or homemade blankets to me at Jessica Twigg 513 Sunset Dr. Newaygo, MI 49337
Also the last day to get me pics for the CHD video for the Heart Ball is November 30th. You can email me those pics to chdhlhs09@yahoo.com I need them by then as Stef and I will be editing the video so it can be ordered by December 15. If you are going to want a copy of the DVD you will need to email me so I know.

Blessings, Jessica