Fears

"When I walk into a room I fear someone will talk about my son....But the bigger fear is that they won't."

FEAR....Boy there certainly have been many. To many really. I am sitting here tonight and am not sure if I want to cry or just sit and watch TV cuddled with Ethin's blanket and monkey. Yes I cuddle with that blue prayer shawl and that monkey we all grew to love seeing him with.
It's a fear for me to cry. I think mostly because I am afraid if I start I might not stop. On Monday night I cried myself to sleep. I tried to stop on my own but with a failed attempt I wok up on Tuesday morning. Sleep has become a constant fear as well. Sometimes I fall asleep and then there Ethin is plain as day doing well and then suddenly it is like watching TV watching the medical staff race in there to him. Fears that bind me and hold me.
I have a Fear of leaving my house. Silly as it seems I am safe in my house no one to judge me or tell me I am wrong for how I feel. And if they do I can ask them to leave. Public places are a fear for me. When I walk into a place I know it is written all over my face that I am in pain. Also even though I live in a very small town I still sometimes get the "Oh Jessica How are you doing and how's the baby?" Ugh.....I put my head down say he died and walk away. So yes my house is a safe place for me!
Fears run deep and I feel them control me and I feel them swallowing me. I am afraid of something happening to my other children. The fear of losing them or having them be gone scares me terribly. When they sleep here I am up constantly to check on them make sure they are breathing. No more playing outside without me anymore. Camping was a great way to hide all that as we slept in the same tent. Yes I am scared of losing them. Losing Ethin made me realize that I was not safe anymore. Bad things can happen.
I live in fear that my J Triplets will not know how very much I love them. That they will not know how much each one of them means to me. They all hold a very special place in my heart. My heart belongs equally to all of 4 of them. Ethin knows how much I love him and miss him. I worry that Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde will not know how much I love and need them.
I have a fear of inanimate objects. The table for example. Not like I think the table will get up and kick my butt, but that it silently is another way that this world is cruel. My table as the years grow is a simple reminder that there will be an empty place at it. Our van Jayde sits in the far back drivers side, Jessa far back passenger side, Jonathin right behind me, and.......Ethin was supposed to be right behind the passenger seat. The van is a cruel reminder that he is not here. I am afraid that I will not be able to see past these things. Not to mention the empty damn crib that I can not take down!!!!!!!!!! Inanimate objects part of my fear.
My friends have fears with me. I have some friends that hope I do not bring up my son. They are afraid to be around me because I might say his name or cry. They fear, because they do not know. But this hurts me to know. I have a fear of being hurt more than I am so this is a bad mix. I do not expect them to know what to say nor do I want them to. Damn though really they are afraid to spend time with me!!!
So that leads to the fear of losing more people in my life. Fear of not living up to every one's expectations of my grief. I can't!!! I can NOT do it! I used to hate the word can't till now. Because I know my grief and fears and guilt make it so I can't do certain things.
The fear of really never being normal again is terrifying. I know I will never be the same, but what if I can not ever function like a normal person.
I have a fear of having more children or the ones I have developing a heart defect. I fear that my SVT will not get better. What am I to do? Fear holding me, strangling me, suffocating who I am.
I fear that I will remain to feel lost among the many. I fear that I will never have the relationship with God that I used to. I do not pray the way I used to. I no longer talk to God at all if I can help it. It makes me cry to walk into my church! Really are you kidding me? But somehow there are times that I really do feel God just holding me. He has not forgotten me and HE is with me. He cries with me and He knows how I feel. So if I feel him and I have seen him why can I not just run to him now?
Ethin's name is still the sweetest sound to my ears! Never is there a time that his name does not make me smile. His name is such a sweet reminder of a warrior that I met. I held an angel. I have kissed the face God. I know that I will hold him again. Not for many years I am sure, but I know I will and until then I know God is holding him and Ethin is happy. Yet I am afraid. I live in fear an all consuming fear that builds in me and spreads like fire.
Fear= False Evidence Appearing Real..........So maybe I can try to have this instead Full Assurance In The Heart. Long shot but I am praying I can do it!

Please continue to pray for the following....
Andrew and his appointment this week, Heart Ball, My family, Leslie and her boys, The Deloreys

Blessings,