ReVamped

Well here I go again revamping the blog......I think I continue to find that as life continues to change here I want the blog to reflect that also!  I mean so much is always changing here especially the J Triplets!!!  I mean can you believe how much they have grown and changed since our journey began just over two and a half years ago?  I can't and so I thought I would show you a then and now picture of each of them in this blog.  Also Phil and I have now been together for 15 months as well!!!  There is a constant change happening here and I would say it really is good.  Reflecting on what was and knowing and living in the what is has been how life has been for quite some time.  Never forgetting Ethin, but seeing how his life has shaped the lives around us and how we live ours has been a delicate dance and I would say now it is a way of life for us.
Ethin changed who we were as a family when he entered this world January 9, 2009.  He continued to change us while he was here and we see his hands in everything we do now too.  Jessa just the other day said to me, "Mom I want to run Ethin's Heart Still Beats when I get bigger."  Jonathin all the time says he wishes he had Ehtin here, but loves that he has Ethin everywhere.  Jayde still cries and I still tell her that it is OK cuz I cry too.  However the tears have slowed down and I continue to try and see God's blessings each and everyday.
Just the other day I went out to the cemetery.  It is normally a very quiet place for me to think, pray, talk to God, and talk to Ethin.  While I was there for the first time in just over two years I felt a great sense of peace.  When Ethin was born they said that it was as if he was born with just half a heart.  When Ethin died I said his heart was whole, because he took half of mine with him.  As I sat there last week I realized that Ethin is in all of my heart and that my heart as broken and as hurt as it was feels almost whole again and full of love and happiness.  If Ethin never would have existed I would not have met so many people or have so many of the friends I do.  If Ethin were still here I would not be head over heels in love with the most amazing, patient, and understanding man ever.  You see Ethin's life and death has shaped my whole life.  While my plans and dreams, and hopes all changed on June 27, 2009, God had already been laying out the life HE intended for me to lead.  HE was putting everything in place for me to succeed into the woman HE would need me to be to be a good mother to the J Triplets and to be the woman that Phil needed too. 
I am learning a lot these days when it comes to relationships.  Phil and I have required much understanding and patience for one another.  While we clearly have a lot of fun together we also have moments that are difficult.  I to this day am not even sure how he has watched me go through two June 27th's and stayed right by my side through it.  He allows me to cry if I need to and has even told me he doesn't know what to do for me, but he does just what I need him to do; he never gives up on me!  Phil and I talked about if Ethin were still here and we are both very sure that we would not be together as my life would have led me down a completely different path.  There is a great understanding from Phil though that I would give this up for Ethin to be here.  However that is not the case and that has opened up a way and a light for Phil to be a very present part of my life!  Just in case I forget to mention I honestly believe that Phil is the LOVE of my LIFE....Through heartache, heart break, tears, loss, and fear he is truly the one man I can not imagine my life without!  I am blessed!
The J Triplets........As promised here they are just two weeks before Ethin was born.....................

Jayde almost 5, Jessa 7, and Jonathin 6

And here they are now.....................................

Jayde 7.5, Jonathin 8.5, and Jessa 9.5

Can you believe how much they have grown and changed in the last 2 1/2 years?  I sometimes can not!  I so badly wish so many times that they were teeny tiny small again.  Jessa will be 10 in just about two months and she just started her last year in the elementary school as a 5th grader.  She in three weeks of school advanced herself into being an independent reader and seems to be doing well.  She still amazes me everyday as she just finished memorizing the books in the Old Testament.  Jonathin will be 9 in one month and just started school in the upper elementary school here as a 3rd grader.  When he smiles I see Ethin every now and then.  They looked a lot alike when they were babies and so when I wonder what Ethin would like as he grew up I look at Jonathin's pictures and his smile now.  Jayde will be 8 at the end of December and just started her last year in the lower elementary school as a 2nd grader.  Jayde is still unaware that there is a world around her, but I think that is what makes her so much fun and it is for sure what makes her a handful!  These are the J Triplets these are my babies.  They will always be my babies.  I am so blessed that I get to watch the three of them play and learn and grow together.  

Phil also has two kids that I honestly feel completely blessed to be a part of their lives well.  I love the life I am living even though a part of me is missing.  I still have those feelings where I feel opposite things at the same time.  I feel so full yet I know there is a piece missing.  I have days where I am happy and can still shed a tear.  All things are different, but this different truly has become my new normal.  I have different dreams now than I did two and half years ago.  I have fallen in love and fall more everyday!  I love being a mom and know how lucky I am to be one.  So the blog title is still Ethin's Heart Still Beats and I still have the same thing on the title above....Learning to live with part of me in Heaven...Love Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow....I added until the day after forever as a reflection of my love for my children and Phil!  I hope to continue to share our life with all of you and thank you for being such a part of our lives still!  Thank you for continuing to support my family and I.  Thank you for your prayers and your love!  My life is so blessed!!!