So I start softball this week Friday. I will be playing softball Tuesdays and Fridays. This is a great thing for me i enjoy being active. I will still coach soccer too so there is a little less free time every day. I also will be starting a job tomorrow!!! The job market is awful so I will take what I can get. I am applying for a job with my church too, but who knows. I am slowly starting to feel a little more human and "norma" every day with getting back into all the things I used to do! Not that I guess I want to be Normal whatever that may entail, but I am getting on the right track.
So Mother's Day is Sunday......I guess I am just not looking forward to this day at all. For a multitude of reasons this is just not a day I care to celebrate. I think first and foremost is that I will not have one of my children even on Earth for the day and I am not going to be able to be with the J Triplets. Also it is a day to celebrate your own mother and well I do not have one of those either....I guess that is by choice, but really it is going to be a reminder of what I do not have and I KNOW I do HAVE Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde. So please I need no reminding, but like I have said before those three do not replace the one I do not have nor are they interchangeable for another.
I think that still amazes me through this journey is how quick so many are to still poin out the negatives in the things that I do or say. I can say I miss Ethin and people will say but you still have three kids that need you. This to me is such a ridiculous statement. I am very aware that I still have three children, but the fact is I simply do not have one of them and that is hard for me still. I love that God has blessed my life with my children, but it does not take away any pain that I feel.
I also know that I am still a mom, but it is still a hard question for me when people ask me how many kids I have. I say 4, but then when they ask further into I have to tell them the hard truth that I only have three living children and that is heart wrenching for me and them. Not to mention it brings all the sorries.
I know people are sorry and I never know what to say when someone says they are sorry. Instinctively I want to say, "It's OK" but I can not say that, because it's not. So normally I say, "Yeah me too." However that makes me feel like I am sorry for myself. But the truth is I am sorry. I am sorry that Ethin is not here and I am sorry that the world did not get to meet him in person. I am sorry that because I lost my son a part of me is gone too.
And there is another thing I do not like saying I lost him like I do not know where he is. What am I supposed to say? Saying he passed makes me feel like we all should be waving at him in a parade. And saying he died or he's dead is so morbid sounding no matter how true it is it just never feels right to say it.
Mother's Day in this small town that I live in also brings the annual flower sale. I have always enjoyed going to it as it is a great sale for our local First Responders. I also support it as it is something I used to do, but this year is different. I am not going to get flowers to plant in my yard to make it pretty. I am going to try and locate flowers for my sons gravesite. Yes at 26 this is something I have to do. Pick out flowers for the year. Somewhere along the lines of dreaming out my life this was just never a part of what I though I would be doing ever in my life.
So ultimately my friend said it best and I agree, "I like Mother's and I like days, but I am not looking forward to Sunday." I agree I can appreciate mothers and days but not the day itself.
I am a lot of things and I have lots of things I am called: coach, sister, friend, niece, daughter, but the greatest thing I am called is mom. Here is a picture I made and it is very true. Of all the things I am in this life being their mom is the best thing I am! I am a better person and woman, because of all 4 my children. They have all made my life a better place to be! So I may not celebrate Mother's Day and I am OK with that I am a mom 365 days a year and sometimes 366. I do not need a special day everyday is special because I have them. Besides it is society and the way we celebrate that makes me dread the day! I think Sunday will be just another day that I will smile through because I have the best kids ever! It's not Mother's Day it is I am thankful for my kids day! I am thankful they let me be their mom and that God gave them to me!
Blessings,
1 comment:
Amen and well said.. I know how much it sucks when I'm told but you have three boys and if it wasn't for Josh to die well you wouldn't have Ethan.. I get that.. I'm not stupid.. I know but in it all if I could I would want all four of them to be with each other.. I didn't ask for him to die so soon and non the less just cause he did die so soon doesn't make him less of a child to me.. I wish they could get that but in all they won't and I am done trying to prove what type of a mother I am.. Fact is I'm a Mother of three wonderful Earth children.. and I have in Heaven a son I never got to hold.. Anyways your blog has hit home for me Jess so thanks for this..
I have to say through it all I'm very proud of you Jess of the woman and the Mom you are today I hope you stand tall in that cause you are amazing! this is what brings me back to you and read your blogs it touches my heart so much you have no idea.. No my child(ren) are not CHD but I want a cure for this just as much as if I did! No one should have to go through this pain.. I'm so sorry you did and do.. But I'm not sorry for you having Ethin.. he's a blessing in every way just as much as you are!
I know we don't understand the road God had put this on for us why we need to go through a loss of a child but I do believe one day when I stand before God and Jesus I will have my ahhh haaa moment! I really believe in that day..
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