I am Hurting

I guess this is a post long time coming....Sorry no Meet Me Monday again I am really slacking huh?  For one I need more questions you can email them to me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com   

So life here is busy and never seems to slow down.  It is at times chaotic and hectic, but I have created it and allowed it to become this way.  You see it is easier for me to go with things if I do not have time to really allow how I feel to show through.  It really is not that I want to hide it, but I just am not sure what is truly acceptable and what is not.  

I think Mother's Day really sent me off on the spin of not wanting to blog until I could try and make sense of my head.  The truth is there is no sense to be made just a reality that I know at times is hard for so many to read.  However the reality you read is the reality I live and let me tell you I HATE living it and so I understand if you have a hard time reading it.  That being said I guess is my public warning that this update will contain sensitive matters and may be hard to read.  

Mother's Day was awful.  Awful does not really describe it.  All I could think about was that I did not have Ethin this year he was gone.  I did not have the J Triplets as nothing worked in my favor.  It truly was an awful day.  I thought about how last year on Mother's Day there we all were in the PCTU (POD A) at U of M and Ethin was on the CPAP and in my arms while the J Triplets were sitting on hospital blankets on the floor and we all watched Bolt together.  I thought about how my first Mother's Day as the mommy to 4 children was spent as a family all of us together.  I even got my wish that day and got a snapshot of all 4 of my babies with me.

Not the best pic, but I only have 2 of me with all of them.

 So now this year what could I have wanted?  Well what I wanted I can not have.  I want ALL of my children.  However we know this is not going to be happening.  I woke up so angry on Mother's Day I did not go to church I just could not find the strength to do it.  I felt guilty later, but honestly I really did not want to get up at all.  I spent the day with a few friends and right before we were all going out to breakfast at noon it hit me.  

This was my first of a lifetime more to come Mother's Day without Ethin.  This was the first of so many that I felt like only a partial mom.  Like I am not really a real mom to him anymore.  Needless to say I broke down and just balled my eyes out for about 3 minutes.  I gathered myself apologized to the other moms around me as I felt like my "down" moment ruined their day.  They assured me it had not and it was OK how I felt, but I still felt awful.  The rest of the day went unscathed as I made it my mission to not break down again in front of any other mother.  

It was not until that night that I soaked my pillows and cried myself to sleep.  My heart hurt so bad.  I did not even go to the cemetery on Mother's Day and I felt guilty.  Since last Sunday everything has been hard for me to think about and deal with.  I have cried myself to sleep a handful of times in the last week and a half now as I am really just reliving my last 5 1/2 weeks of Ethin's life.  

I feel like the world's WORST mom.  I can't smell Ethin anymore.  I can not remember what his little cry sounded like.  I for the life of me can not remember what it felt like to have him against my chest as we fell asleep.  How in the world did I let it get to this?  How am I forgetting my son?  What kind of mother am I that I can not remember these little things?  I honestly can not remember what his little cooing laugh sounded like.  

I am feel awful that I have been so selfish in making sure that I stay so busy that I do not have to grieve that the reality is I have started to forget my little boy.  I have filled my life up with stupid things where he should be.  I should not be playing softball I should be administering meds.  I should not be coaching I should be on the sidelines applying his sunscreen watching as long as the sun is not on him for to long.  I should not be going back to work I should be with him, because he NEEDS me.  That right there is not true.....He doesn't need me anymore.  As much as I need him the truth is I have filled my life to try and prove that I don't.  Prove that I am OK and moving on.  Prove that I can be "Normal" again.

I am truly in the home stretch of rounding out this first awful year.  I am in the home stretch of living through the first year.  I can not believe that it's coming up.  I even though I prayed that I God would save me the pain and misery have almost done it.  I still try to bargain with God all the time.  I have in my head figured out so many ways that I could have saved him.  I have thought of ways that I could trade places with him.  Nothing works Ethin is gone and that will reamin the way it is for me as long as I am on this Earth.

I have more so lately thought many times about my dreams, hopes, and plans for him.  I always wonder what if?  What if he was here what would he look like?  Would he be walking and would I have heard him say my name?  So many questions that I will NEVER know, how is that fair?  How is it fair that I had to bury my son when there are people out there killing their children?  Why did God choose my son when there are people out there that do not want their babies?  I WANTED Ethin.  I prayed for Ethin and God knew how much I wanted him why did my son have to be the one that did not leave that hospital alive?

Yes things here are hectic and busy and chaotic, but the most chaotic thing right now is my very empty heart that misses Ethin everyday, but on the outside ask anyone I am doing "good".