Easter and Memories

If you have not had the chance to read my "Meet Me Monday" post from today I encourage you to go ahead and read it.  I have this dying need to blog about how things have been, because right now it is striking me to get it out and before that urge goes away I am going to blog.  Besides not blogging for a week on how I am doing is leaving open some questions as to how I am doing and how the kids are doing.

Let's start with the fact that I am stressed to the inth and that I am overwhelmed much of the time lately.  Days come and go and hardly anyone says anything these days.  To be honest with you for so long I just acted like everything was fine that I am so used to that now I do not know how to always just be honest with myself and others.  Always trying to live up to their expectations has made it difficult for me to really let out how I am feeling all the time and may even be the reason I have had a hard time writing about it all.

Last Friday someone gave me this charm.  Thanks Dawn I really just love it!!!

So last Saturday was 9 months since Ethin has been gone.  Most of the day I stayed super busy with Leslie, but then it came time to go to the square dance for our church.  In order to understand all that I should start back 9 months ago.
9 months ago there was a benefit for our family at Providence Christian Highschool in the cafeteria.  I was there with my J Triplets and many amazing people from my church.  Well Saturday on March 27 my church held a square dance at Providence Christian High School in the cafeteria.....Does anyone see where I am going with this?  I parked my van and as I walked in it all hit me.  I have driven by the school many times since June 27, 2009, but never stopped to go in.  As I walked up so many emotions flooded every part of me.  When I got inside my grandma was there and I really thought I was going to leave.  Then Sandy came in and when I seen her I immediately pictured her throwing her arms around me as I fell to the ground last June.  She stayed right by my side until I left and she was walking in and I wondered if she was thinking any of what I was.  I was surrounded by so many of the same people from that awful day and I wonder even now how many of them had some of those memories flash in their heads while we were all there together.  Needless to say I did not leave and I learned a few dances and took tons of pics for the church.  It was really hard being there, but God gave me the strength to do it.  Here is one of the pics from the square dancing.

This is a pic of me with ........

On Sunday my daughter Jessa and her Sunday school class performed a song at church.  It was so great to see her participating in the service.  Here is a pic of her doing that.

 

Jessa is the first one on the left!!

Then Sunday after church we went to the park and played before the EHSB meeting.  The weather in MI has been very nice lately like shorts, sandal, and t-shirts.  Here's a pic of the kids at the park

Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde AKA the J Triplets

My niece was with us and here she is

This is my niece Taylor and my sister Krista

So the week went on with constant reminders that Easter was approaching.  My favorite holiday is the 4th of July and second has always been Easter.  I always take time to reflect on my life when Easter approaches as there is so much to reflect on.  Last Easter I gave a testimony at my church.  On Easter Sunday of 2005 I gave my pulic profession of Faith and became an adult member of my church also on that same Sunday my three kiddos were baptized there.  This was all really amazing things at my home church.  I have not celebrated holidays since Ethin passed away like most people do.  This Easter I already knew would be no different. 

April 1st came and all I thought all day was how last year I was waiting in a waiting room at Mott for updates on how he was doing through his hemi-fontan.  I reflected on that last bottle I fed him and the last bath and the waiting for him to come out of surgery.  On April 2nd I just kept thinking how the doctors came to me late that night and said they did not know if he was going to make it and that I might want people there with me.  April 3rd came this year and I thought about Ethin's baptism that was done at the hospital because we did not know if he would live. 

This is Ethin being baptized April 3, 2009

This was after he was baptized he was so sick.

So then Easter Sunday came and really it just felt like another day.  Then I walked into my church and Ethin's Easter Lily was there and that's when I knew it was not any other day it was Easter and my son was not there with us he was in Heaven for Easter.  In the back of my head I was thankful it was Easter and that I know I will see my son again, but in the bottom of my broken heart I just wanted to stand up and run out.  I miss Ethin all the time and Easter last year we were together and Easter this year we are not.  All the things that have changed in the last 9 months and I want things to go back to what they used to be.  

After church it was off to dinner at my grandmas.  I love my grandma and if i could be anything when I grow up I want to be her.  However the rest of my family makes me really ponder and wonder if my real family is looking for me.  My one Aunt and I do not get along and haven't since Ethin's funeral.  My biological dad did not say two words to me and I just felt so uncomfortable.  I stopped at the cemetery on the way home and dropped off a frog windchime I had bought for Easter for Ethin.  

Then it was home and off to ride horses.  I went riding for about 2 hours and then went and seen the Heideman's.  I actually stayed with them all night and that was good I love them and really just being around them makes me feel better they truly accept me no matter what.  That is a good feeling they never expect me to be anything more than I am and understand I might have days. 

So then there is today and I just feel like the world is going on and I really want it to stop for me.  I want it to stop just for a few minutes.  Everyone yesterday is like HAPPY EASTER, GOOD MORNING and all I thought it I am not hapy it is not a good morning my son is dead.  I miss Ethin just as much today as I did 9 months ago.  It is a never ending cycle of pure hurt deep down in my heart.  I feel like my heart really is broken in two like half of my heart is gone.

I hope that you all enjoyed your Easter.  Christ has Risen!  

Blessings, 

Jessica