Revamped!

Well after much thought and consideration I have changed my blog a little bit.  It will pry continue to change, but I just feel that I needed it to be different as I have changed since I started it. Besides not sleeping gave me all the power I needed to go ahead and figure things out.  Welll I figured out parts, but now I need to figure out the rest (Stef I will pry be calling you!  No worries I will wait till day light hours!)  Yes a huge thank you needs to go out to Stef who had put together my last blog design for me.  At the time it was fitting, but now my grief has changed and the blog has changed to and I wanted to include my J Triplets in on it too.  Alright enough about all that....
So the last few weeks I have been blogging literally about nothing.  The reason for this was I needed to take some time and try to figure out some things for me.  Through that though I have found much joy in answering the questions you all have asked of me and I can tell you I hope that you continue to send me your questions so that I can continue to do "Meet Me Mondays" you can email me your questions to chdhlhs09@yahoo.com or leave your question as a comment.  I felt through doing that I was able to introduce you all to a more personal side of me and one that did not contain all sadness and tears.  That truly was never my intent with my blog, but I have heard more than once it does that (Sorry).
When I started this blog it actually started with Ethin's carepage as a way to update everyone on how he was doing.  After Ethin passed away I moved to blogger and updated both.  The reason for continuing to blog was that I had many ask me to keep going so they knew how the kids and I were doing.  I later realized that this was truly a blessing for me to know so many supported and prayed for us, but also it became a great outlet for me.
In the last couple months though I have stopped being as open in my grief and how I feel due to some not great things and comments that took place.  However after much of me feels bottled up I am going to start opening back up to my grief and writing about how I am REALLY doing.  I am sorry that it is hard to read, but trust me it worse living it.  So I say that and hope you all understand that I am trying hard to find the balance of living with my grief, being thankful for what I do have (Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde), and truly living my life for God.  It is not easy someone once told me "It is a delicate art of learning to live again, hanging on, and letting go."  This I have found to be very true as I am not sure I have mastered any part of these three.
Yesterday I spent some time with my grandmother and she shared something with me that made me realize that it is OK to miss Ethin while I am on the Earth.  She lost her son when he was an adolescent and she told me that 30 some years later she still misses him.  I have found that my grandma is a wise old bird that has lived through many trials and hardships and if she says something than it must be true.  So I am thinking that ya know what it is OK for me to live and grieve now all I have to do is find the balance.  I am not sure that this will be easy, but what I am sure of is that God will be with me the whole way and He will carry me when I need it, be a crutch as I start to do it, and walk beside me when I can.
Alright so the past month has been filled with many emotions.  I have had good days and bad days, I have felt great and awful, and I have laughed and cried.  I have found that the busier I am the less I focus on Ethin being gone, but when I am not busy it so overwhelming that I do not know how to handle it all.  Thankfully I have many people that care and understand.
Well I can not believe how long this last year has been, but mostly I can not believe that I have lived through the last 9 months, 4 weeks, 9 hours, & 33 minutes as the mommy to an angel.  I can not believe that I did not get to have all the first things with Ethin that I did with Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde.  There was just none of the normal first things.  Then there have been a few things now that I have been through that were my first without him.  I just can not believe that he is gone still.
I miss him so very much and nothing eases the pain matter of fact there are some things that intensify the pain.  I even find some things to be a cruel reminders of what I do not have.  For instance little toddler/baby boys that are close to how old Ethin should be.  Music seems to laugh at me as it plays and I come to tears.  I am not sure if all people experience this, but I am.  My friends son turned 1 this past week and I was truly overjoyed knowing that I have watched him this whole last year, but a part of me just wished that I too was able to share my one year old with the world.  Then there is all the stupid little things like what would have been his spot in the van it is empty, the very empty highchair that I see, and all his stuff is packed and not even with me right now.  Silly I know, but all of it plays a part.
Next I guess it is always going to be there; there are always things I am going to wish for.  I will always wish Ethin was here with me.  I know how selfish that sounds, but I love him so much and I miss him more every day.  I wish that people would not be afraid to say his name, I will stand by these two statements: "Hearing my son's name is still the sweetest sound in the world to me!" & "I have a fear that when I walk into a room someone will mention my baby's name, but an even bigger fear is that they won't"  I know it must be awkward for people to know if it is OK, but I do NEED to talk about Ethin and all that is happening because of him and if I do not feel like I can I will tell you.
I do all the time wish he was still here.  I know this is selfish, but you would if it were you.  I wish I would have watched him learn to walk.  I wish Jayde would have been able to help teach him she wanted to so badly and even asked me the other day if Jesus taught her baby brother to walk.  I wish that I would have been able to watch him grow up and Jonathin could have taught him how to hit a baseball and Jessa could have taught him how to play soccer.  I wish he was here so that yes I could have held him more, heard him say mommy, held his hand to walk, and just watch him grow.  I wish my son was alive and laying with me right now.
I still all the time wish I had just one more minute or a do over.  That guilt of not being there that day will forever eat me alive.  It will forever be in my head how I left, and I was not the last face he seen.  I wonder all the time if he ever thinks about me and wonders things about  me the way I do about him.  I always just wonder if in his perfect Heaven if he knows how loved he still is.
Spring is here I think (It is Michigan!) which obviously brings new life and I am hoping that God will plant in me a new beginning of living without Ethin.  The flowers are starting to bloom and sports season is in full swing.  I have watched tons of the Tigers on T.V. and truly just go back to last year and how Ethin and I would watch them play at the hospital on T.V.  His nurse Cheryl made us into die hard Tigers fans and I just wish I could watch one more game on T.V. with him or had him here to take him to his first real game in person.
I mentioned sports so this must be said.  I am coaching soccer again.  I am the proud coach of the Screaming Dragons which Jessa is playing on.  Matter of fact our first game is in a few hours.  Jayde is also playing soccer, but not old enough to be on my team.  Jonathin is playing baseball and it is coach-pitch this year.  Needless to say the kids sports schedule keeps me very busy!  Plus I am assisting another coach but I will tell you about that in a minute.  Here is what the schedule looks like Mon-Jonathin baseball, Tues-Girls and I soccer, Wed-Asst. Coach soccer, Thurs-Girls and I soccer, Fri-Jonathin baseball, Sat-At least two games but sometimes 3 for the girls and I!!!!  So I am the assistant coach to a new coach this year and her son has a Heart Defect!  Crazy right??!!
So life here is busy, but I guess I really would not trade it.  If the option is to have a ton of free time to allow Ethin being gone to settle in than I will take the busy life every time.  In other news I am moving next weekend.  I also have a kitten!  She was a stray kitten that followed a friend and I home from a walk, but she is simply amazing and I just love her to pieces.  I think she must have been someone's pet, because she is just to perfect.  I also think she may be half dog.  Anyhow I guess it will be no surprise to many of you to find out I named her after one the Tigers pitchers LOL.  Her name is Zumaya.  Speaking of pets I was goign to get Inge back next weekend when I moved, but she apparently loves the farm life and since I get to see her when ever I want she is staying where she is.....Besides they really do not want to give her back!  LOL I will post pics of Zumaya soon.  Oh and of the kids sport stuff!
Also next week Tuesday a few of the EHSB board members and I have a meeting with an attorney to draw up our non-profit status paperwork!  Oh and join Ethin's Heart Still Beats on facebook there is a link at the top of the page.  Also we have a big event coming up in July.  I will post that later, but it is on the facebook page.  Also next week the board and I will be going to visit the high school here to get a check from them and to present them with something!  I am so proud of Ethin I wish he was here to be a part of it.
Anyhow I hope you all enjoy your weekend and find a piece of God's amazingness this weekend.

Blessings,



I wish you were here there is not a day this does not cross my grief stricken mind
And every day I am given little reminders of how much you are in me our lives forever intertwined
Your heart it was special God created you to do a special task down here Earth
He sent you with everything you needed he had it all planned out before your birth
Yes I was scared I think that was to be expected with all that I was told
Son I knew your life would be hard but I placed you in God's hands to hold
Your time here with me was never meant to be long it was all a part of a bigger plan
Now that you are gone God is slowly showing me things and helping me to understand
You were sent here to a job that would require you to endure a great deal of strife
God sent you here to change mankind he used you to show us how precious is a life
You showed people Hope and you showed that strength can come in any shape or size
Punk you were sent to teach the world to lift tons of prayers towards the Heavenly skies
My sweet warrior I am sure God used you to teach so many just what it means to love with all your heart
He uses you now as we all remember even though we may all be far apart
You have accomplished much and you do a little more every single day
I wish you were here but that is just not how it worked out it just simply was not God's way
If only we all can remember you with a smile on our face and to make a difference down here
I am proud of you Ethin your Heart Still Beats in all of us God's plan is becoming clear.
Jessica Twigg
Saturday, April 24, 2010