Some Days You Have Today is NOT the Day!

First I am happy to announce the following things....
Ethin's Heart Still Beats has people that are helping run it and we hope that this will ease the stress during our process of getting our nonprofit status.  The following people are on the board right now: Jen Kurkiewicz, Tammi Heideman, Deanna Traxler, Cassie Bradley, Mandy Daniels, Carrie Crosley, and myself.  We all have specific jobs and we all work together great so now we are all working on the things for EHSB that we need to get our non-profit status.  Woot Woot!!!!  Our next meeting will be at the end of this month.
CUDDLES FROM THE HEART MI
So when I took on cuddles from the heart I was hoping that I may be able to do three blanket give outs in a year this may not be as easily done.  However I am still praying that I can and so the hope is to give out blankets at DeVos Children's Hospital in Grand Rapids, MI in April some time.  In order to do this I need 500 blankets total by April 5th.  Yes it seems impossible, but I know tat it is not impossible.  What I need is new store bought or handmade blankets to give to the children there.  You can mail them to me at
563 Sunset Dr. Newaygo, MI 49337  email me with any questions at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com
OK now on with the rest of it....

Saturday marked Ethin being gone for 8 months.  It hit me pretty hard and this week has been a bit of a lull for me.  I am not sure why all of a sudden I feel the loss so much more greatly than I had been, but I am.  I have cried every day since Saturday and in the back of my head can not get what is going on.  I have again started to think that this is a bad nightmare and I will wake up soon.  I am not sure if this is a normal feeling, but it is how I feel.  Is there really a normal for this?  I would say no, because to me it is not normal to outlive your children.  Yet here I am outliving one of them.

 

This picture was taken by Kristyn LaPres photography

I do not blame God for this, but I wonder at times why this happened.  I wonder what I did so wrong or why he took Ethin instead of someone who had lived a full life.  Did God know how many people my son was going to inpack and the difference he would make?  Did he know that Ethin would have made the same difference if he was here?  I know God did not do this, but I still wonder.  I wonder what he would like right now if he was here.  I imagine he would have looked similar to Jonathin but with brown hair.  Ethin once he hit about 1 month old began to resemble his big brother with dark hair.  Not a bad looking couple of boys if I must say so myself!  However this dire need to know what he would have looked like now has led me to the choice to have his photo aged.  Not sure how weird this is or how normal it is, but I just want to know so badly.
In other news the J triplets are doing great.  Growing like weeds.  I love being a mother.  The best thing God has ever given me has been the opportunity to be a mother.  When I think of everything in my life that really is the one thing that matters and has made a difference.  I LOVE my kids and can not wait to continue to watch them grow up and become productive members of the world.  They all offer something so different to our family.  There will always be a part of our family that is missing, but Ethin not being here does not change the fact that we are a family.  We are a strong family that I do feel hold each other together.  Each of the kids and I bring so much to our home.  I owe so much to my kids and so much to God for trusting me to take care of them.
Being able to find God's amazingness lately has been a great forward move for me.  Do not get me wrong I am not claiming that it is easy, but there has been some great things lately.  The snow is finally melting away here and the sun has been out all week.  I love feeling the sun on my face and feeling it warm my whole body from the outside in. 
Suddenly I am sorry I lost the drive to write.....This may be part of the whole missing Ethin thing.  However I am glad I at least was able to share a few things that I needed to and to make sure you all know I am alive and the kiddos and I are OK.
Blessings,
Jessica