The Game and Words and New Family Pics

 

This is the Newaygo Boys Varsity Basketball Team with the Heart kids and families that were at the game on Tuesday.  

Front Row L-R: Justin Parker(Jordan Snyder), Alex Roberts(Joshua Black & Andrew Huegel), Zenn Timmer(Brycen Halas), Brittney Butcher(Heart Transplant), Tom Brown(Brittney Butcher, Brycen Halas(HLHS), Danny Mayle(Heart Dad), Terri Russo(Heart Mom), Steven Lisee(Sofi LaPres), Jerry Gonzalez(Braeden Huested)

Middle Row: Kandi Butcher(Heart Grandma), Eric VanDam(Lindsay Groen), Zach Franks(Tommy Schomaker), Kyle Madrid(Derrick Carter), Brandon "Beano" Schultz(Ethan Bilpo), Aaron Schultz(Logan Jacks)

Back Row: Brett Butcher(Heart Dad), Head Coach Brian Prickett, Sean O'Neil(Ethin Twigg), Myself, Assistant Coach Brett Prickett(Pulmonary Stenosis)

If ever for a second you think that high school boys do not care look no further than these amazing young men.  They played very hard on Tuesday against Orchard View.  Sadly they lost the game, but what they played for will always make them winners in my book.  These 12 young men showed more heart on Tuesday than I have ever seen in young athletes.  I am so proud of them.  Tom Brown got a nice surprise along with me when Brittney Butcher showed up at the game!!  Yes there I was and all of a sudden Brittney was there!  They live about 2 hours from me so they surprised us all when they showed up at the game. 

 

Tom Brown with his Heart Warrior Brittney Butcher and her dad Brett and her grandma Kandi

Brittney was not the only heart kid at the game.  Brycen Halas lives here in Newaygo and he was at the game too.  Tom Brown is Brycen's cousin, but I had no idea so Zenn Timmer played in honor of Brycen here they are after the game.

There is Brycen, Danny, Zenn, Terri and Brycen's Big Bro Christopher

Here is Tom with Brycen though!!  To Cute

Of course I was there to represent Ethin

This is me with Sean who played in memory of Ethin.  Thank you Sean!!

There were a couple of high profile attendees at the game on Tuesday.  In MI one of our Senate seats is open for election.  Well we have two senate hopefuls and they were both at the game on Tuesday

On the 2nd bleacher that is Larry Lethorn our superintendent sitting with him is MI Representative and Senate Hopeful Goeff Hansen

And here I am with State Rep and Senate Hopeful Mary Valentine.  She was also in at the Heart Ball in January.  

My sister Krista was there with my niece Taylor

Many people were there for the game and to show support but there are not pics of those people.  Carrie Crosley from EHSB board, Makiiya who was in charge of our shirts she did great!, Mandy Ethin's God Mother, Heather Ethin's Godsister, The Heideman's, Tammi took all the photos for us.  I feel truly humbled that so many care.  And from what I was told by the coach this was just the first year.  Hopefully by Friday I will have a count of exactly what was raised!

In other news Ethin's Heart Still Beats(EHSB) Board is being put together on Friday.  I am excited and can not wait to tell you who all these amazing people are that are volunteering their time to make a difference.  There is so much work that goes into putting this non-profit organization together.

Cuddles from the Heart MI is hoping to have enough blankets to donate to DeVos Children's hospital in April.  In order for this to happen we need to collect 500 blanket by April 5.  If you have not visited the Cuddles from the Heart site in a while please do so as there are many new states participating.  So what I am needing now is New store bought or homemade blankets from newborn to teenagers to hand out to the kids that are inpatient in the hospital.  DeVos recently opened their Congenital Heart Center.  This hospital took care of Ethin a couple times before we went back to Mott.  I can tell you that right now we have like 50 blankets.  So let's do this we have a goal of 500 by April 5, 2010 to blanket DeVos.  I know we can do this!  You can send your blankets to me at the following address

Jessica Twigg 

563 Sunset Dr.

Newaygo, MI 49337

I am sorry that I have not written, but there has been a lot on my mind and a lot going on in my life.  Trying to keep my head clear and allow myself to fall into prayer often has lately been what I do a lot of.  In that there was not much time for blogging.  It has been so long since I blogged I really can not even remember what I blogged about before the meet you at the sunset blog.  So I guess I will share some things and how I am doing and how the J Triplets are.

I personally myself am struggling with whether or not to keep doing all that I have been doing or to just be done with it.  After much prayer and thought and guidance from my heart family I will keep blogging and I will keep doing what I have been doing.  Last week I was very hurt by someone's sharp tongue.  Words truly are a sword that can cut through anything and leave you bleeding.  However when we allow anger and lies to control what we have to say I guess that is to be expected. 

So I was told that my blog is either poor me or look at me and I want to clarify this as I have never intended for it to appear this way.  I never want people to think poor me when you read my blog.  The best thing I thought and still feel I can do is be honest in the fact that I lost my son and it is anything but easy to get through.  I feel that by being honest in it I have been able to help other people who have experienced loss.  Also by being honest with it I have been able to allow myself to feel what ever I needed to feel to get through it.  I have never claimed to be the authority on grief as I was told this week, but I am the authority on my grief.  I am the authority of how I feel and what I do.  Just because I do it this way does not mean the next person will or anyone else will, but this is how I have done it and how I feel.  I also know that I am not the first person to go through the loss of a child, but I did lose my child and I am allowed to grieve for him for however long that is and it may be a lifetime.

As for the look at me that I was told it appears on my blog that has never been the case.  I give most credit to my son who is the driving force and inspiration for the things that I do.  He also happens to be the drive behind most of the members on the board for the non-profit organization that is named after him.  As for anyone else who has donated anything to the ball, cuddles from the heart or the game or anything else we have done I encourage you as always to go to the websites that are set up for those activities as that is where all the donors unless they asked to remain anonymous are listed.  I even advertised on the heart ball page for the local business' that donated things.  Also on the cuddles from the heart page when we did our donation of blankets all the people that donated were listed.  I do feel that credit should be given.  I am not all about taking credit for other people's generosity.  Everything that I have done has only been made possible by the drive that EHSB has and by many people who have been so great about supporting awareness and raising money for research of CHD's.

Also I was told that I needed to stop worrying about raising all this awareness for CHD's in Newaygo and focus on going back to work.  All I have to say is as a heart mom Yes for the record I am still a heart mom.  Yes it is very important to raise as much awareness as possible.  And anyone that lives in this country knows that it is impossible to find a job our economy is awful.  But I have looked and with no luck I am still jobless.

Needless to say after much thought I clearly am going to keep writing and keep doing what I have been doing.

So on with the weeks happenings......Well I went last Friday to Calvin College and visited the campus.  I LOVED it and can not wait to get everything filled out so that I can get my acceptance letter in the mail and begin my studies there.  God's plans always work out better than my own.  I loved every aspect of being there.  Chapel was my favorite part during visit.  They have chapel there every day and the campus literally shuts down for it.  So I am filling everything out to go and my pastor already wrote his recommendation for me.  He also went with me for my campus visit.  

Worship planning at church is going well.  I really do enjoy it and find that it is very satisfying.  To know that a service I planned was done and God guided the whole thing.  I have found that through doing the worship planning I am continuing to grow in God.  There is so much prayer that goes into planning a service.  I really do love that I am able to start seeing God's grace in all of this.

I do still miss Ethin every day.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about Ethin and wonder what it would be like if he were still here.  I wonder if he would be walking and talking.  I wonder if he would be able to wear his Levi's yet or if he would still be in "baby" clothes.  Really I guess I just wonder some really deep things in my mind.  Like when I get to Heaven will Ethin still be a baby that I will get to care of and teach.  Or will Ethin be a little 5 year old boy who when I get there will take my hand and say, "Come on Mommy I have been waiting for you and I want to show you the beautiful gardens here"  Or will he be a grown man that I do not even recognize that is defined.  I wonder what he will be like.  Much like I always wonder what it would be like if he was here.  If he was here I know that my life would be much different, but the reality is Ethin is not here and it will be a long time before I ever see him again.

Missing Ethin does not consume me completely like it did at first, but it does still take a part of me everyday.  I do still feel like there is a huge part of my life missing.  I do still hide my grief by staying very busy.  I am still very afraid that if I slow down I will fall apart and the reality will settle in way to fast.

My guilt has not subsided, but I am working on that.  I think that mostly my guilt comes in as being a mother.  When I think of my job as a mother I think of my responsibilities that I have to my children as a mother.  It is my job to protect my children at all costs.  I as their mother am supposed to make sure that they are OK at all times.  I am to make decisions for them to protect them.  I feel as though I failed Ethin in that.  I could not fix what was wrong with him and as his mother that was my job and I failed.  I not only failed but I failed miserably.  I so many times have replayed my choices and the decisions I made with him.  I put him through so much for my own selfish reasons of not wanting to lose him.  He was in so much pain and I failed to see that.  Then at times I feel like maybe the outcome was my punishment for the times where I prayed and asked God to stop the pain.  Perhaps I asked for this without asking for it directly at first.  But then I recall after his Hemi-Fontan when he was really sick and they had mentioned ECMO I said no way he will never be on life support.  Then I left him that weekend that he died.  Maybe had I never of left this would not be the way things are.  I will always question if I did something wrong if I missed something or if I was wrong from the start to demand him to fight so hard.  As his mother I will always carry a sense of guilt that I did not look out for his best interest instead I just signed all the papers placed before me and continued to allow him to be poked, prodded, and cut into.  Heck I was willing to allow them to do anything they deemed necessary to keep him alive.  Did I always have his best interest at heart or did I really just do what I needed to do for myself to feel like I was a good mom?  A question I fight with every day.  All in all I guess looking back yes I have regrets at times and other times I think I would never have changed a single thing.  So guilt is still there mostly at night when I am alone and can cry all by myself.

In other news I moved.  With not being able to find a job keeping my own place was just not feasibly possible anymore.  My friend Leslie had a spare room and needed someone to help watch her youngest son after school and at times through the weekend so she could work.  Needless to say she opened her home to me and I accepted and am now living two doors down from my old house.  Funny enough I am seriously thinking that it is the easiest move I have ever made.  For sure it is the shortest in distance!  LOL  Leslie and I get along well which I think has been key to the success of us living together now for the last month and a half.  She truly has been great and I do enjoy living here and knowing that I have a safe place to stay.  And we both know that it is only until fall when I move to another town to attend college.

Anyhow......The J Triplets are still doing good and we had our family pics taken a few weeks ago.  They turned out nicely.  Here they are and then I will talk about the kiddos and what has been going on with them.

The kids and I Jessa(8), Jonathin(7), and Jayde(6) I thought having Ethin's monkey in our pictures would be a nice way to feel like he was included.

This is the picture that I will be putting on my wall

Jessa is still my true light when I need true insight that only a child can give.  She has had many moments the last few months and few weeks that just amaze me with how smart she is.  She crawled up on my lap crying a few weeks back and told me how she misses Ethin.  A few tears I let out with her as it broke my heart that I can not fix the whole in her heart and I can not take away her pain of missing her baby brother.  Then she looked up at me and said, "Mommy sometimes I just wish I had one more minute with him."  I said, "Me too."  She then said this, "But you know mom then I would keep wishing for one minute and one more minute after that."  She is so right that even one more minute would never be enough.  Then two weeks ago she came to me and asked me about me going back to college.  I told her that I felt it is what God is telling me to do.  She cracked me up when she looked at me after I said that and she said, "If God wants you to do it then you should."  She once again hit a note that many miss; When God calls you go.  She just never ceases to amaze me.  She is doing well in school and is excited that soccer will be starting in the spring.  I will be coaching her team and she is also aware of that.  Sometimes she likes it and other times she thinks I am a tough coach.  She's right I am tough I expect my team to give it their all and be the best that they can be as long as we are all having fun while we do it!

 

 

Jonathin is still for sure my child.  He is so me in every way besides he is a boy and I am not.  School for him has been a struggle.  He is so all over the place and he tries so hard, but concentrating on anything besides video games is just not his thing.  He has also been having a few violent outbursts.  Matter of fact when I stopped in his school last week to make sure they had all the info about the basketball game his principle stopped and let me know he had gotten suspended from school for kicking, hitting, and spitting.  Yes I find his actions extreme and him and I had a long talk, however really they suspended my first grader??  Is this normal?  Jonathin is so full of love and he is really a great kid, but there are some underlying problems and I for the life of me can not get his father to agree to put the boy in counseling.  I am very worried about him.  I love him and I know things are anything but normal for him, but I just want him to be happy and not get suspended from school.  Hopefully when baseball starts in the spring Jonathin will do a little better as he will have a way to expel his energy.

 

 

Jayde oh my little Tater Tot.  She is such  whipper snapper!!  She is also doing well in school besides her visit to the office with her buddy.  I will not give him a name, but these two together never cease to not give me a good laugh.  Jayde makes everyone laugh.  The other weekend after our pictures she asked if she could ride with Tammi back to their house with Jessa and Dakota.  I said that was fine.  When I got to the Heideman's Tammi said Jayde made her and Dakota laugh when she said to Dakota, "You know Kota one day we will be related."  Tammi asked her what she meant and she said, "When I marry Gage."  To darn funny and way cute!  Jayde is so innocent and just full of so much.  She will also be playing soccer in the spring and for the first time I will be coaching her in soccer as she will be bumped up to a U-8 team this year to play with Jessa.  This excites me!

 

 

As a family we have much enjoyed our time together.  I have no idea what I would do without them they keep me going!  They keep me on my toes.  I am so proud of all of them.
Here is one of the pics Tammi took of me

 

  

Hold their hands for a while and their hearts forever!

Thanks Tammi for taking our pictures!!!