Meet You At The Sunset

This blog is answering questions that were asked on a certain page for grieving parents.  I am sorry for those of you that feel this may be hard to read and for those that are reading this as grieved parents I guess we are connected.  To my friends and family this website has been very helpful to me in finding other parents who have gone through a loss too.

For the first meeting of the month we thought we would speak about the holiday season and how you coped. What was it like for you? Did you do anything special in your childs memory?

The Holiday season for me was one I wanted to skip right over.  I wanted to skip over it as soon as Halloween was here and I had no baby to dress up for his first Halloween.  In my head I had played it over and over many times that he would have been a little hot pepper or something along those lines where his feet would be inside a costume that was round on the ends so he would stay warm.  It really hit me when I seen other moms post pics of their babies first Halloween costume.  Just that was the point that I knew the rest of the year was going to be awful.

After Halloween came November 9.  This would have been Ethin's 10 month birthday.  Then there was Thanksgiving which was a hell all of its own.  I was thankful for having known Ethin at all and I was thankful for my J Triplet, but I did not get to celebrate that first Thanksgiving with my punk.  Instead my own actions landed me in the most unpleasant places.  Normally my kids and I put up our tree on Thanksgiving night together playing Christmas music and then watching Miracle on 34th Street.  Not this year I had already decided there would be no tree in my home.  I did not want any reminders of what I did not get to celebrate.  Then there was November 27 a harsh reality that my son was gone making it 5 months.
December 9th came and it felt like no one recalled that Ethin would have been 11 months old.  I was just praying for the year to be over I so badly in my own head wanted to skip it all.  2 days before Christmas I went out of town.  More like I fled out of town.  My kids were with their dad and Ethin was not alive.  Going out of town would allow me to NOT have to do the things I would have done if Ethin were here.  I did not go to the Christmas Eve Candle light service which means I did not sing for it either.  I really wanted to be alone, but I could not do that and be out of town so I took the lesser of two evils.
I cried myself to sleep on Christmas Eve.  I seriously felt like I would never fall asleep and before I knew it I was waking up to my friends saying "Merry Christmas" with all the cheer in the world.  I seriously was nauseated and in my head could not for the life of me say it back.  I really wanted to curl up into a ball and just sleep forever.  By night fall on Christmas day I was done....I was done with the cheeriness and I was done with the smiles.  I went outside and I just cried.  I cried for hours all by myself.  The trek home the next day was very empty.  Suddenly though I also realized I never through the whole Christmas season was able to find the perfect ornament for Ethin.
2 days after Christmas my family would be celebrating Christmas.  Not only would they be celebrating Christmas, but i would be mourning for Ethin yet again as that was finally the day that he had been gone longer than he was alive.  Not a single person in my family that day even mentioned his name or said thank you for the pictures that I parted with for them to have.  It was as if he never existed to them and as if how I may be feeling truly did not matter to them.  It was the most miserable Christmas I can ever remember having.
New Year's Eve was spent at the cemetery.  There I was in the cold MI winter night weather crying at the cemetery wishing I was kissing his sweet face for his first New Year's.  Nope I was alone and with empty arms.  I was so misarably alone and had such an ache in every part of my heart and body.  People wishing me Happy New Year on my phone and I just wanted to throw it!  Eventually I found myself at home crying holding his things telling him how sorry I was. 
January 9, 2010 marked my sweet punk's first birthday.  He would have been one and instead he is forever 5 1/2 months old.  And rather than pictures of my son getting all messy from his first Bitrthday cake have a picture of his memorial at the formal ball that I set up in his honor.  Ethin's Heart Still Beats Heart Ball happened for the first time this year on his birthday and we raised $1800 for Congenital Heart Defect Research (This is what killed my son).  Ethin is my son and I miss him everyday.  As I contiue to finish out my year of firsts I am now also starting to go through the thoughts of what I was doing with him last year as he was alive.  The Holidays were wful, but I am bracing myself for the things that are coming.  I do not know how others do this, but I know that somehow God will continue to give me the strength to do it.  I also know that I one day will spend an eternity of holidays with him. 
I wanted to include the two poems I wrote surrounding Christmas. 
Blessings,
Jessica

My 1st Christmas Without You Son

There are no lights strung upon a tree this year

No decorations or pictures of Chritmas cheer

No shopping for first Christmas onsies or cute Christmas clothes to wear

Instead I am holding empty arms with a broken heart thinking life's not fair

No Christmas Eve candle light service the glow upon your face

All I have is your blanket and monkey to embrace

No special photos marking your first Christmas here on Earth

I do not get to share with you the special story of Christ's birth

No watching Polar Express or listening to a holiday song

Instead I am looking at your picture trying to stay strong

I can not find the special ornament that represents you

None of them are special enough I can not find one that will do

I wonder what Christmas will be like for you up there

All I can do is fall on my knees and hope that God will share this prayer

Heavenly Father, I love my son and miss him so

Will you take him to the place in heaven where there is snow?

Tell him the true meaning of Christmas and about the perfect gift

Let him know about the angels and the shepherds who were on the night shift

Tell him of Joseph and Mary who followed your every plan

Let him know I am trying to do the same though I may not understand

God tell him how your son saved this world down here

And tell him as my son I was proud that he showed no fear

Make sure you tell him how I much I love him and long to see his face

God tell him how your gift will make this happen tell him of your saving grace

Take him on Christmas morning somewhere where he can see me I will send a kiss to the Heaven's above

God will you please make sure he knows that the day here for me may seem long, but I am sending him all my love!

Amen

Then here is the answer to that poem

My 1st Christmas In Heaven

The angels are singing up here songs of joyous measure
Songs of a birth songs that many treasure
The tree here is enormous so full and green
It really is the most perfect tree my eyes have ever seen
God took me in his arms today and told me of Jesus’ birth
He shared with me the way you would celebrate on Earth
Mommy I am spending Christmas in Heaven this year
I want you to be happy please do not shed another tear
Jesus’ took all the children here to hills where there is snow
We went sledding and laughter filled the air I thought you’d like to know
The angels taught us all a chorus wow they are amazing
I am here in Heaven spending Christmas with our King
This is hard for you and I want to ease the pain inside your heart
I am here in Heaven spending Christmas, but we are not far apart
Sometimes I worry about you and God tells me you’ll be OK
He told me your going to send a kiss to me on Christmas Day
He tells me all the time how much you miss and love me
When your smiling and having fun I look in on you so I can see
I like it when I get to hear your laugh and see you having fun
As Christmas time approaches remember the gift of God’s son
This is not forever God told me you will be here one day
We will spend Christmas in Heaven together that’s what I heard him say
Until then my Christmas wish mommy I want to share
Hold my blanket and monkey and feel in your heart I am there
I want you to be happy and live your life down there
God’s plan for you is not done I know you think it’s not fair
So just remember that even when you do not seem to understand
Know that I am in Heaven for Christmas holding my Savior’s hand
Your Christmas wish was heard God shared that with me also
He said there was something you wanted me to know
He said that you love me ever passing day and that you miss me too
I am spending Christmas in Heaven and mommy I know this is hard for you
So Merry Christmas mommy I Love You Too please hold that when life is not fun
Love Always, Ethin Your Perfect Heart Angel, Warrior, Punk, and Son