Drained!

Warning turn off the music on the right to listen to the music that will play with the Video montage

Well I am feeling a rush of things right now so this update may not be all that you are hoping for.  Who knows maybe it will be everything you are looking for though.  I do not have a complete amount for the heart ball, but I would be willing to hear all your guesses!!!
So Friday I set up the hall for the ball.  I was there from 9:30 in the morning until 10:30 at night except for the hour I had to go to therapy.  Saturday I woke up and seriously debated whether or not to stay in bed all day and skip the whole day and night or not.  At that point I knew if I did not show up for my hair appointment it would not be long and there would be someone knocking on my door or breaking down my door.  So I walked out of my house and the sun was so bright that I just trucked through the day and made it to the ball and through the ball.
So now may be a good time to speak about the ball.  The ball was great.  We had amazing food!!!  The doctors were late and I was worried!!!  I was so scared that they were not coming and then into salad they showed up and so did Ethin's pediatrician.  So mid salad I gave a welcome and Dr. Byland prayed.  As dinner finished Tom Coverly was introduced and he entertained us for a little bit.  He is an illusionist and a good friend of mine.  His girlfriend is equally amazing as she is a CHD survivor!  Immediately following we showed this video.  This is the video that most of you all helped to create so I thank you for that!!!  Contact me if you want a copy please.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

  From there I introduced Dr. Bryan Goldstein and he spoke.  Bryan was a very important provider for Ethin during his stay and honestly I was so honored that he agreed to speak at the Heart Ball.  His speech was very factual, but it had so many personal touches to it and I am sure t one point I thought he was choking up a little.  He recalled when he had to sit in a room with me a month after Ethin had passed away to talk about what had happened to my son.  He remembered me saying that something good would come of this.  Well I hope that he was able to walk away last night and know that I meant what I said that day.
  I will say more about the ball when I get all the pictures, but here is one picture that I hope to use for the paper.

 From left to right the docs from Mott:  Dr. Mark Russell, Dr. Jenna Hirsch, Myself, and Dr. Bryan Goldstein

Then today I woke up and went to church.  On the way to church I stopped and picked up one of two birthday cakes for Ethin.  The first went to church for everyone there.  It said Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Ethin.  Then after church I went with Deanna and Carrie to clean the hall.  From there it was lunch and from there dinner with Ethin's Godparents to have cake for Ethin and sing happy Birthday.

I am sure it was at this point that everything may have started to hit me everywhere I had hoped it wouldn't.  Started with the song.  and then from there went to my own sister telling me I was not allowed to cry!  Really are you flipping kidding me!!???!!!  She made me so angry.  I did however have a great time visiting with Mandy.  She has always just been one of those people that I love to be around.

Needless to say overall what has now happened is that I really have nothing left anymore.  I am alone and I am emptied right out.  I have no reason that I need to be all poised and held together.  I am so empty inside and the reality is I feel so alone it.  I have put on a happy face and pushed myself and I am now past his birthday and realize I do not have a picture of him all messy with cake, but a complete emptiness inside my heart.  I just want my son!  I want my baby boy in my arms.  I want a smiley little one year old boy that is standing up and saying "mama" when he wants me or needs me.  Instead I have just memories and I hear myself sobbing for him.

So what do you do when the adrenaline is gone and you are in the pit?  I have so much to do yet and can not find my bearings to stand up and be all right with everything that is happening again.  All the emotions I am feeling!  Oh Ethin I miss you........So much.

Here is a picture I made on Thursday night.............Blessings, Jessica