2 Years Really??

Hard to believe that it has now been a full two years.  I have woke up for two years since my son died and today I woke up for two years since I watched them lower a casket that should never have been made into the ground holding MY son!  Oh dear God.........Two years has passed and the world still has never stopped or even slowed down.  My world paused briefly, but as the world went on I learned that mine needed to as well.
After two years of following our family I am sure that you would all agree that it has gotten very different.  I am telling you that it still is not any easier today as I write, nor is it better.....just different.  Even the things I never thought would be different are different.
When we get in the van to go anywhere there is an empty seat that should be filled with a 2 1/2 year old blue eyed little boy and he's not there.  When we eat there is no mess on my floor to clean up.  There is no temper tantrums over having to pick up toys, no little guy holding my finger, there is no punk running around at my feet while I make dinner, and there is no little voice saying mommy holding out his arms for me to swoop up into mine.  You see it's all different......
Rather than our house we live in a tiny apartment.  Rather than being a full-time mommy and part time employee I work full time and barely make ends meet, rather than my single life just me and my kids I have this amazing guy, rather than having beautiful flowers in front of my apartment I have flowers at a grave, rather than watching my J Triplets teach Ethin things I watch them cry for him still.....You see it's all different.........
Without Ethin my life would be different too......If Ethin would not have ever existed so much of my life would not be what it is and what it is though at times is hard has truly been a blessing!  Though it is different there is so much in my life that I have because of Ethin.  I miss him every single day!!!  Not a day goes by that I do not miss him that I do not wish it were different than it is.  You see it's all different.....
The J Triplets and I have a very different life than we would have had if Ethin were here, but this is the life we are living.  On June 27th we went to the cemetery and we released balloons.....The first thought in my head was how this is the second time in three days that I had let balloons go to Heaven for a sweet child.  On Friday I had let one go up to the Heavens for Princess Lindsay.  I think that this past week has been the hardest ever.  So much happened in such a short period of time.  You see it's all different........
I do see where I am so lucky and blessed the first person to say anything to me on Monday was Phil and he wrapped his arms around me and said it would be OK that it was alright.  I was crying and he at that point just gave me what I needed.  As the day went on my friend Jeannie helped me out and let me know it was ok, then I had the J Triplets and we went to the cemetery however it was there that I did not even shed a tear and realized how very empty I felt......I felt so completely empty the J Triplets were running around and it was empty I was empty the rest of the day was empty too.  When night fell the kiddos went to bed and Phil came over and I was still empty.....All the things I loved were around me that day and I felt nothing not a thing!  I did not understand it and after Phil left I laid there on the couch with Ethin's monkey and his blanket and suddenly the flood gates that had been holding it all day let it out.  I began to cry and I cried for so long when suddenly I could smell Ethin on his blanket.  I sniffled myself to sleep like I have so many other nights and the week went on and life will go on like this all never happened and the dam in which I truly hate June has been rebuilt for a year.  You see it's all different......
So while I may not write much anymore it is for a lack of time normally, but sometimes just a lack of knowing how to tell you all that I am different than I ever was.  The J Triplets are different too.  We are forever different.  We always think about Ethin and we never stop loving him.....Ethin's life mattered and it mattered to me.  If you stop and think of Ethin for a minute today just smile he did that best.