I have ben expeirencing so many emotions lately and I am starting to feel overwhelmed by them. I love my kids, but I feel so guilty that even though I love them as much as I do when I am with them I still think about how much I miss Ethin and how he is not here. As I sat with Jessa and Jayde tonight and watched Jonathin play baseball I was so proud of Jonathin, but I thought how I will never watch Ethin play baseball. As I told the girls to watch as Jonathin swung the bat I thought how I will never be able to encourage Ethin to root for his sisters and brother on the sports field.
Why is my grief so hard to deal with? Why is my grief so consuming? I have so many questions and I normally do go on with life as usual like everything is fine, but the realtiy is that I am hurting so bad inside that I do not completely recognize myself or how to manage the way I feel. People said that this would get easier, but I have to tell you that I totally disagree. It gets different and now I am trying to learn how to allow the different to become my new normal when the reality is that I do not want a new normal I want the normal I had a year ago when Ethin was still alive and in my arms.
Life seems to be swallowing me whole. It honestly feels like I am being sucked into quicksand and I am hanging on to a branch that could snap at any time and I will be sucked all the way under. Grief is an awful feeling that is killing me slowly from the inside out. My heart feels so torn and broke. People always ask what's wrong and the truth is my heart hurts. They ask how I am doing and I am afraid that I will disappoint if I tell them the truth so I have reverted back to the whole I am alive response. The truth is I am alive, but I am not living just merely existing in a world that never slows down or stops for anyone's pain.
So I wrote this poem knowing that June 27th will be creeping up on me in 25 days. Oh my goodness really it is only 25 days away?? That is less than 4 weeks away! I am really not wanting to finish the month of June I would rather just skip it!
Blessings,
I THOUGHT THE WORLD WOULD STOP FOR YOU
You left this world in June
Laid to rest in hot July
Fireworks went off just 2 days later
I thought the world would stop for you
Camping we went you were never far from thought
Picnics were ate balloons were released
A headstone finally laid on your place
I thought the world would stop for you
Golf outings and bonfires the summer winded down
School resumed no one questioned it but me
The winds began to blow
I thought the world would stop for you
Fall finally came October had arrived unnoticed to most
Your brother had a birthday your sisters finished cheer
Halloween came but you were not here
I thought the world would stop for you
Jessa turned 8 she misses you and sometimes cries
Thanksgiving just wasn't the same
leaves were raked and the air began to chill
I thought the world would stop for you
December was here the snow began to fall
The Christmas walk happened so much holiday cheer
Your sisters' birthday came and it went
I thought the world would stop for you
One year ended and another year began
Your birthday came so many remembered
The snow just continued to pile up
I thought the world would stop for you
Resolutions and proclomations were all written and signed
A day of hearts was celebrated
Raising Awareness and playing basketball where you were honored
I thought the world would stop for you
The snow began to melt spring was on the way
Shamrocks and green parades were happening
The school carnival happened many were smiling
I thought the world would stop for you
April showers began spring started out wet
Christ has risen Easter was another reminder
Soccer & Baseball, Coaching & Playing sports season is here
I thought the world would stop for you
Warmer weather approached flowers began to bloom
Mother's Day without you I am the mother to 4 only 3 were here
Memorial day parades and camping started again
I thought the world would stop for you
School will end soon summer will finally be here
My birthday is approaching and so is the one year mark
I will never forget what June 27 took away from me last year
Somehow I am learning that the world will not stop for you
But dear God how I wish it would stop with me.
~Jessica Twigg~
June 2, 2010
This is Ethin one year ago today....I miss him so very much
3 comments:
beautiful poem.. I miss him so much too.. hugs to you Jessica
Lori
I love that picture of Ethin. That is how I remember him, when he and Jillian were in Moderate care. He is so handsome. I have a book I am finishing, I think you might enjoy it. I will finish it and let you know!
Love,
Janel
Jillian (HLHS)
Love you Jess!!
And love that picture of Ethin!!
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