365 Days Later

The first year is over...The first year of every first day without my son is finally over.  A part of me feels beaten down and another part relieved.  I feel beated down in the fact that a seriously have went 365 days without my son and relieved that I survived 365 days without my son.  Blogging may now get back to a normal flow as I really have just not been in the mood to share how I was feeling or what I was going through as today was fast approaching on me and inevidably it was going to happen. 
So let me say I really never thought I would survive this first year.  However not only did I survive it, but I think I might have even started to live again.  For most of the first year I am sure I merely existed in a world that just never stopped and I did everything I could to just try to keep my feet on the floor.  I at times felt like my feet were slipping out from under me.  I was at times hard to get through to and I had many sleepless nights and to many tears to count. 
I was very unsure when this started a year ago if I would be here a year later.  I had many weak moments and many times thought about disappearing to the blog and CHD world.  However I opened my life to so many of you and truly felt it was the right thing to do to allow you to follow if you so decided.  Also some where through this I felt that maybe part of God's purpose in this would be to help other grieving mothers.  And to be honest I am very thankful that I had all of you to help me through this past year.  God carried me through and you all were a part of it.  Your words of encouragement and your support and prayers truly sustained me more than once. So to all of you Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
The rest of this post is going to be my reflections on the last year in a letter to Ethin.  I figure sharing it here is my way of sharing him and sharing it with him.
Dear Ethin,
  My sweet punk my angel I have missed you so much and this I am sure will not change.  No I promise you that it will not change I am sure that I will miss you every day that I am alive.  I never imagined that I could do this without you and I haven't.  Son you have been with me every second of every day.  Your strength and fight on this Earth gave me Hope and Courage to get through all of this. 
  I will never forget the day you were born and that cry that I heard.  There are moments in life that I think always remain a part of your daily thoughts and you my son are many moments that are part of my every day.  I truly never imagined all that your life would mean to me and so many others.  I am so proud of all that you are and ever will be.
  I would be lying if I told you that this has been easy.  It has not been easy it has truly been the hardest thing I have ever done learning to live without you.  It has been hard and is still hard to accept that you are not here with me.  At times the only comfort I could find in doing this was knowing that you are in a far better place with our Savior.  I used to think that there was no better place for you than with me, but that was selfish thinking and I am sorry for that. 
  I still love to relish in the memory of your sweet smile and your vibrant eyes.  I do still cry for you often, but that is part of being on Earth.  This Earth is filled with painful things and losing you was painful and still is painful. 
  Ethin I truly believe to this day that you were a very special gift from God sent to change my life and this world.  Let me tell you that I am proud of the fact that I know you have done both of these things.  Your life though it was not as long as I wanted was just the right length to make an impact larger than I will ever do in my lifetime.  You have touched so many lives and so many people and you continue to do that every day. 
  Loving you so much has always been easy, but missing you has not.  Some nights I still think that maybe when I wake up that this will all be a bad nightmare and you will be here.  I have thought over and over in my head of ways to bring you back, but it is not going to happen.  One day many years from now for me and seconds to you though I know that we will spend forever together in Heaven. 
  In the last year since you have been gone so many things have happened.  There has been a balloon release, a ball, an organization started in your memory and honor, proclamations and resolutions, a basketball game, and most importantly there has been a never ending love for you and the life that you lived.  You fought so hard and so many love you and think of you often.
  I want you to know that I am sorry.  I am sorry if I ever did anything that has disappointed you.  I am also sorry that I could not take your pain away or trade places with you.  Know that I would have in a heart beat if I could have.  I would have done anything for you.  As your mother it at times is hard not to feel responsible for what you went through, but I really just wanted to make sure I did everything in my power to give you a chance at life.  As your mother I am a selfish person that truly just would have done anything to make sure that you would always be physically with me.
  My plans for you certainly changed a year ago when I had to tell you goodbye.  I thought that I would see you play in the rain, but now when it rains I like to feel the drops run off my face as it feels like maybe that is your way of telling me it's OK to cry when I miss you.  Instead of allowing the wind to brush your face I feel you in the wind as though you are whispering I love you mommy.  Instead of looking at the stars with you I feel like maybe you are up there in the stars.  I truly believed you and "D" would learn to walk and talk at the same time.  Well I am sure the two of you talk and I find comfort in thinking that maybe you were there holding his hand as he took that first step.  Yes you still a part of the plans, but in a different way. 
  I may not be able to ever fully understand all that has happened and why, but I do know that you are always my son and I will always love you.  Wishing for another day with you is easy, but I know it would never be enough.  So until I get to where you are make sure to look both ways up there before crossing Heaven's street, find a good place fo us to play, smile every chance that you get, smell all the flowers, and know that I love you and always will.
Love,
Mommy

You are the sun that warms my face
The wind is your gentle embrace
You are the first star I see at night
The reason I still get up and fight
You are the beat of my heart
The courage I have to not fall apart
You are the whisper in the day
The reason I can not lose my way
You are the rain that falls in the spring
The hope that floats on an angel's wing
You are everything I ever hope to be
The best part of everything in me.
Jessica Twigg
6-27-10

Blessings,