Ethin's Heart Still Beats

Busy Busy Here!

2011-11-06T16:38:00.000-08:00

Well I guess it has been a while huh????.....Sorry for that. Life here is so busy and just really NEVER slows down at all. Weird how even through the never ending daily life Ethin is always still right there. I would assume that it will always be that way, but maybe one day it will ease up. Even when everything is perfect and going well he is really always just a constant thought.
Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde are all doing great. Jonathin turned 9 last month and Jessa will be 10 before the month is up. I still can not believe that I have these three amazing people in my life. How blessed am I?! They all appear to be doing well in school, but tomorrow I will find out for sure as I have conferences for them all. I somehow am not even worried about Jessa, Jayde will pry be alright, and for the first time I think that I am going to hear a lot of great progressions for Jonathin. Jessa is almost done with basketball season. Jonathin and Jayde will be starting basketball. And Phil's son Owen is done with football, but basketball is almost here for him as well. Which means we will be very busy.
So yes Phil and I are still together and doing well. Our lives are so busy, but we still find time to maintain us. I work thirds, he works firsts, and I bowl every other Saturday when we are kid free. It does make it hard to find time for each other, but when we do it is always very nice! We spend every other weekend with 5 kids between the two of us and that is always fun....OK mostly fun. With five kiddos sometimes it is not perfect, but they are kids and mostly we are just thankful that they get along as well as they do.
Well one great thing in this house is fall.....Fall means a ton of yard work, but it also means Michigan State football which in this family is a BIG deal! Phil's family has season tickets to MSU for football season and that means someone is always at Spartan Stadium for a game! I went with Phil's dad Phil to my very first MSU football game! It was Central Michigan and State and we won! Here are a few pics from the day.

Me in front of the Magic Johnson statue outside of the Breslin Center at MSU

Phil Sr. and I in front of the statue...I am so blessed to have such a great relationship with Phil's family

Me on the Daughtery Football wall

I was so happy!! I am a HUGE MSU fan

So after going to the CMU vs. MSU game I was offered a ticket to the Michigan vs Michigan State game....Now anyone from Michigan knows that this is a BIG game! I am a die hard MSU fan and could only in my dreams have ever imagined going to this very big game. I was given the ticket by some friends and I went to the best football game ever in the history of football games!

Michigan State Spartans getting ready to make their walk to the field....I can see my favorite player here...

Coach Dantonio leading the Spartans and the player on the far readers right is Kurt Cousins the amazing 5th year senior quarterback for the Spartans!

The captains meet in the middle!

I was so stoked, but it was a chilly day!

We won we beat Michigan for the fourth year in a row! The game was amazing the environment was awesome and just being there is still very unbelievable to me! Thank you Brian for the ticket and thank you to Phil Sr. for taking me with him and making it the most epic trip ever!

So I have no new pics of anything else that has happened here as my camera broke! :( However I will tell you that I have almost everything I have ever wanted right now. I have amazing kids, an amazing boyfriend, and I am loving life....My life has been different since June 27, 2009, but it just keeps getting better! I will write again soon as the holidays are coming and to be honest I am still not a big fan, but I am thankful I am so very thankful for my life and the gifts that God has given me!

ReVamped

2011-09-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

Well here I go again revamping the blog......I think I continue to find that as life continues to change here I want the blog to reflect that also! I mean so much is always changing here especially the J Triplets!!! I mean can you believe how much they have grown and changed since our journey began just over two and a half years ago? I can't and so I thought I would show you a then and now picture of each of them in this blog. Also Phil and I have now been together for 15 months as well!!! There is a constant change happening here and I would say it really is good. Reflecting on what was and knowing and living in the what is has been how life has been for quite some time. Never forgetting Ethin, but seeing how his life has shaped the lives around us and how we live ours has been a delicate dance and I would say now it is a way of life for us.
Ethin changed who we were as a family when he entered this world January 9, 2009. He continued to change us while he was here and we see his hands in everything we do now too. Jessa just the other day said to me, "Mom I want to run Ethin's Heart Still Beats when I get bigger." Jonathin all the time says he wishes he had Ehtin here, but loves that he has Ethin everywhere. Jayde still cries and I still tell her that it is OK cuz I cry too. However the tears have slowed down and I continue to try and see God's blessings each and everyday.
Just the other day I went out to the cemetery. It is normally a very quiet place for me to think, pray, talk to God, and talk to Ethin. While I was there for the first time in just over two years I felt a great sense of peace. When Ethin was born they said that it was as if he was born with just half a heart. When Ethin died I said his heart was whole, because he took half of mine with him. As I sat there last week I realized that Ethin is in all of my heart and that my heart as broken and as hurt as it was feels almost whole again and full of love and happiness. If Ethin never would have existed I would not have met so many people or have so many of the friends I do. If Ethin were still here I would not be head over heels in love with the most amazing, patient, and understanding man ever. You see Ethin's life and death has shaped my whole life. While my plans and dreams, and hopes all changed on June 27, 2009, God had already been laying out the life HE intended for me to lead. HE was putting everything in place for me to succeed into the woman HE would need me to be to be a good mother to the J Triplets and to be the woman that Phil needed too.
I am learning a lot these days when it comes to relationships. Phil and I have required much understanding and patience for one another. While we clearly have a lot of fun together we also have moments that are difficult. I to this day am not even sure how he has watched me go through two June 27th's and stayed right by my side through it. He allows me to cry if I need to and has even told me he doesn't know what to do for me, but he does just what I need him to do; he never gives up on me! Phil and I talked about if Ethin were still here and we are both very sure that we would not be together as my life would have led me down a completely different path. There is a great understanding from Phil though that I would give this up for Ethin to be here. However that is not the case and that has opened up a way and a light for Phil to be a very present part of my life! Just in case I forget to mention I honestly believe that Phil is the LOVE of my LIFE....Through heartache, heart break, tears, loss, and fear he is truly the one man I can not imagine my life without! I am blessed!
The J Triplets........As promised here they are just two weeks before Ethin was born.....................

Jayde almost 5, Jessa 7, and Jonathin 6

And here they are now.....................................

Jayde 7.5, Jonathin 8.5, and Jessa 9.5

Can you believe how much they have grown and changed in the last 2 1/2 years? I sometimes can not! I so badly wish so many times that they were teeny tiny small again. Jessa will be 10 in just about two months and she just started her last year in the elementary school as a 5th grader. She in three weeks of school advanced herself into being an independent reader and seems to be doing well. She still amazes me everyday as she just finished memorizing the books in the Old Testament. Jonathin will be 9 in one month and just started school in the upper elementary school here as a 3rd grader. When he smiles I see Ethin every now and then. They looked a lot alike when they were babies and so when I wonder what Ethin would like as he grew up I look at Jonathin's pictures and his smile now. Jayde will be 8 at the end of December and just started her last year in the lower elementary school as a 2nd grader. Jayde is still unaware that there is a world around her, but I think that is what makes her so much fun and it is for sure what makes her a handful! These are the J Triplets these are my babies. They will always be my babies. I am so blessed that I get to watch the three of them play and learn and grow together.

Phil also has two kids that I honestly feel completely blessed to be a part of their lives well. I love the life I am living even though a part of me is missing. I still have those feelings where I feel opposite things at the same time. I feel so full yet I know there is a piece missing. I have days where I am happy and can still shed a tear. All things are different, but this different truly has become my new normal. I have different dreams now than I did two and half years ago. I have fallen in love and fall more everyday! I love being a mom and know how lucky I am to be one. So the blog title is still Ethin's Heart Still Beats and I still have the same thing on the title above....Learning to live with part of me in Heaven...Love Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow....I added until the day after forever as a reflection of my love for my children and Phil! I hope to continue to share our life with all of you and thank you for being such a part of our lives still! Thank you for continuing to support my family and I. Thank you for your prayers and your love! My life is so blessed!!!

Emergency Surgery....Recovery.....Planned Surgery......Fully Fuctional 2 days later!

2011-09-11T10:10:00.000-07:00

I wish that I blogged more than I do!!! I just never can find the time or the words to say! But I am going to start making a much better and more honest effort at doing it. Not because things are bad all the time actually just the opposite, but because you have all shared so much of this journey with my family and I that I want you to be a part of our journey as we do continue to grow and Live!!! Sooooo On with it then right???
This adventure all began about 3 weeks ago....Phil and I spent the evening and night hours together with our combined 5 kiddos. It was a great day, but a twice through the day I had this tearing feeling in my right abdomen. I however just continued to go on with the day once the pain had subsided. Our kiddos ages: 7,8, 8, 9, & 14 Were all running through the dark night playing Ghost in the Graveyard having a blast laughing and yelling while Phil and I sat by the bonfire in his backyard. To be honest with you it was the best sound ever hearing our children all getting along so well as let me tell you that it is not always the case! At 11pm the kids went in and Phil and I continued to enjoy the fire and the new found quietness! When we got up from the fire at around 12:45am I had a terrible back ache and was cold.....To me there was a logical reason for both of these issues; 1. Phil's bonfire chairs are hard plastic and 2. I was near a fire and now was not therefore I should be cold!
Phil and rallied my troops up together. My back hurt so Phil carried Tater Tot to the car while I rallied the older two picking up shoes, sweatshirts, and sandals. Once in the car and headed home I blasted the heat and we were home and in bed by 1:15. At 1:30 I was still cold and said to myself, "Self I think you are running a small fever you should take Tylenol." So I got up took some meds and went to sleep. That cat nap lasted until 2am when I woke up shivering so hard Jessa woke up and thought I was having a seizure. At this time I thought man I am really sick! I called a friend of mine who has a medical background and asked him to come to my house ASAP. Jessa found the thermometer and we took my temp the best we could as I could not keep my mouth closed around the thermometer because my teeth were chattering so hard. Jessa looked at the digits and said, "Mom it says 1 0 33" I interpreted that to be 103.3.
Five minutes went and my friend Jake came through the door and Jessa told him my temp. He looked at me and said, "We need to get you in a tub of cool water." I was so exhausted and hurt so bad I just shook my head and said no. Jake began to pick me up and realized quickly that my temp was high and he wanted to take another temp which came out to be 104.7. His plan quickly changed and we were going to the ER. I called Phil who had been sleeping and told him I was very sick with a fever and in his sleepy voice and calmness said, "It's just a fever I will talk you through it." Jake got me and my kids to the car we dropped off my kids and arrived at the local ER around 3am.
By this time I was hallucinating from the fever and my body hurt so very badly that when they asked what was wrong with me I could not give them an answer as my whole body ached and my brain was boiling! My temp was now 105.3......An IV was started and my temp began to subside and the little red monsters I was seeing also disappeared. The docs again asked what was wrong. By now the only things that really hurt was my abdomen, my right flank, and my head. They decided that peeing in a cup and blood tests would determine my ailments. Before long they came in my room with the UA results and said it did not show any white blood cells and only showed 1 gram negative and one bacteria so nothing screamed that my bladder or Urinary tract was the issue. However my blood test showed enough white blood cells that they new I was very sick somewhere. Being that I had abdomen pain they decided to look at my appendix.
At around 7am I was getting a CT scan of my appendix. At 8am they changed doctors and let me know that my appendix looked fine, but I had a large kidney stone and my kidney was 2 1/2 times the size it should be. They also let me know they were calling another hospital and a surgeon to see what the overall general consensus was on how to treat me. By 8:30 they came to tell me I was being transferred via ambulance to another hospital I was loaded up and enroute by 8:45. I arrived at Mercy at 9:10 and at 9:15 the surgeon came in and said after reviewing my charts and test results I was septic and would be in surgery at 9:30.....I was in so much pain but looked at the clock and said that was in 15 minutes he said yep see you in the OR shortly....HELLO SURGERY!!!!!
Well I called Phil right away I only had 15 minutes to tell someone that I was headed for surgery and I was at this hospital alone! Now on a side note I just need to fill you in on my boyfriend......Phil is very calm and level headed. I would say this is a great thing, because in the worst situations he is under control. However it is a bad thing to as I am not always sure if he is worried about anything EVER! Anyhow I called him and his calmness at that moment and his steady assurance of the situation was amazing.....I told him what was happening and his very calm yet sturdy strong voice he simply said this, "Everything is going to be OK I love you." I told him I loved him too and we hung up.
As I hung up that phone call the Operating Room (OR) people were there taking an inventory of my things and wheeling me down a hall. I was placed on another bed and told to begin thinking of a happy thought....My thought was the conversation I had just shared with my boyfriend. I clearly was put to sleep and a 20 minute surgery turned into 45 minutes and I woke up screaming in pain in the recovery room. They made me comfortable and I was taken to a room upstairs where they would continue to treat my septic state. Phil showed up at 1pm after he had taken care of his children and also he gave up a golfing event to be with me. Another insider on my guy he lives to play golf in the warm months!!! We snuggled down on my hospital bed took a nap and watched the Tigers game together. Oh how romantic we are!!!! Phil left and I was given drugs and quickly fell asleep.
Monday morning the surgeon came and talked to me. He told me that I was very sick and would need surgery again in a few weeks. He also let me know what he did. He placed a stint from right kidney to my bladder. He also let me know that he was surprised to see me doing so great after being septic. Later Monday afternoon they released me from the hospital and I was brought home. Phil set up a ride as he was working and before I knew it I was leaving the hospital just as quickly as I had gotten there.
Fast forward to three days ago.....I arrived at the hospital for my scheduled surgery to fix my kidney and my inards. Phil and I trekked the hour to the hospital and the medical peeps began to prep me for surgery. As they wheeled me away I grabbed Phil's hand he kissed me and said, "See you in a little while." I told him, "I love you." as the tears rolled down my cheeks I was so scared. He simply said, "I love you too." As I drifted off to sleep again I thought of Phil and the love we share. When I awoke in the recovery room the first thing I said was Phil. I asked right away for him. After they got me comfortably drugged up so I was not in pain they wheeled me to where he was waiting and the first thing the nurse said was, "You must be Phil she asked for you as soon as she woke up." I guess some things are just so perfectly put together that nothing not even a surgery can get them off your mind! Phil ended up taking care of me Thursday night. What a good man he is cuz I am a terrible baby when I am not feeling well.
By Friday morning when I woke up I felt fantastic. That was the best I had felt since this whole kidney issue began 2 1/2 weeks prior. So I went on with a normal day and looked forward to Friday Night Lights!!! Yes Football season! I LOVE the fall season and all it brings; crisp air, football, beautiful colors, football, cooler weather, and did I mention football? Friday nights in this small town and the towns that are surrounding us are a big deal even if you have a team going into a game that is 0-20.....Yes going into Friday nights game against our school rival we had a record of 0-20.....Friday nights game was AMAZING!!!! Phil and I are both Alumni and our children also attend Newaygo and as we watched our team not only give Grant a wooping but we watched them shut em out! The final score was 42-0 and Newaygo had finally won a game!!!! As the game ended and we all stood on our feet to clap along to the fight song it was an amazing feeling watching the football players run to the victory bell and finally ring it after so many games had gone by without it ever being rung for a victory! Yes we are onto something I do believe!
Yesterday was a very busy day for us even though we did not have kiddos. The EHSB golf outing was in the morning and we netted just over $400. Then Phil coaches his son O in football and their first game was yesterday afternoon. To top it off we had a wedding reception to attend as well! Needless to say as I sit and finish typing this blog that I started on Friday morning I feel very relaxed to finally have a second to breathe and a minute to complete some thoughts!
Over the Labor Day holiday we had a huge storm rip through our small town and my kids and I also spent some time with good friends floating down the river and camping. I am going to share pictures from everything that has been happening from the river trip to yesterday!!!! I will try to be better about updating, but I can make no firm promises!

Whitcaps game for Faith's Angels a nonprofit that raises money fr the research of CHD's

Amanda (Heart mom to Carlee), Carlee, Myself, and Monica (Heart Mom to Faith a CHD Angel)

Carlee CHD Warrior and I at the game!!!

Jayde and Liz on the river....No she did not drink the liquid that was in that bottle!

The J Triplets being river rats

Jessa in her tube

Loving the river life!

Where's Jessa????

The first place team from The Kidz Garage Daycare

Phil and I 2 days post op at the Golf Outing

Look at that swing!!!

Myself, Rick, and Ryan

Look at that trophy

Phil and I at the reception....I kinda really Love this guy

Dancing to My Best Friend by Tim McGraw

Dancing to some Def Leopard at the reception!

Ethin however is really on my mind today and besides you all love this face anyhow!!!

I love you Punk!

Never Forgotten 9/11

Urgent prayers Please!!!

2011-08-26T11:11:00.000-07:00

Well I feel like I rarely write anymore and now I come to you all begging you to please pray for a very special little girl......Brittney Butcher is a wonderful young lady who received a heart transplant in December of 2008....Her family is amazing and supported not only my family when Ethin was at Mott but so many others too. Monday night Brittney was admitted to Mott's PCTU and it was discovered that her heart was only functioning at 25%. Since then her heart is functioning at even less than that. Her kidneys and liver are taking a hit from the rejection of this heart. Britt started dialysis and they are trying to clean her plasma as a way to treat rejection.
Brittney is such an amazing kid and I feel so blessed to know her. She is a part of my family and so is her whole family. She has to pull through this. Please pray for her and her whole family. Visit their carepage and leave a note of encouragement....Thank you for this!Her care page is as follows http://www.carepages.com/carepages/Brittneybutcher

A year later pics then and Now....It's all Good!!!!

2011-08-03T08:31:00.000-07:00

Ya know I recall pry writing a post about a year after Ethin had passed away.....This post will not be like that at all.......Just over a year ago I started to date my best friend....We went to a Tigers game together for the Donate Life game. We had so much fun last year.....And well last night we went to that game together again....Yes a year later still just loving being with him. Boy am I blessed!!! Here are a few pics.....

Last Year Tommy and I

Peace out!!!

I love this kid

Being goofy Rally Capping....This boy last year could not get enough of me

This year I had to beg for these two pics!!!

He is my buddy though!!!

And then here is Phil and I last year

So fresh in our relationship.....And this year

Well take one He smiled but was still watching the game!! LOL I love it!!

Take two We still look good and Man am I in love!!!

By the way the Tigers won 6-5 and well that my friends makes for a great night we relived our second date and it was amazing....I could not have asked for more a good game, awesome friends to share it with, and Phil I am seriously the luckiest girl in the whole world!!!

A summer of Pictures!

2011-07-27T11:12:00.000-07:00

Well I have some free time and I guess I am feeling the need to write.....I am not sure how this works from time to time, but sometimes I just feel the need to write and continue to share our lives with all of you who have on some level become a part of our lives through this blog. So here we go..........
Ethin is so much a part of life every day here. I am at times completely shaken by the reality of this life I am living without him here. Sometimes it hits me like a train. When I least expect it to there are moments when I can not even move sometimes I find it hard to breathe. Thankfully these moments are no where near as often as they were when Ethin first passed away, but now when they hit me they hit me with a greater force. I find it hard at times to look at his pictures or to really put thought into him. How terrible that must sound but sometimes it is just to hard.
In other news the J Triplets and I are enjoying our summer!!! We have gone to Lake Michigan, Brooks Lake, Fremont Lake, Rafting down the river, played ball, watched fireworks, had bonfires, and who knows what else but we have truly enjoyed it all so far. This update will include some pictures of our amazing summer thus far!!! I promise!
So with the fun stuff there has been little time for the serious stuff, but we are planning a Golf Outing for EHSB....Here is that info and then I'll share some pics!

Ethin's Heart Still Beats 1st Annual Golf Outing
September 10, 2011
Briar Hill Golf Course
950 W. 40th
Fremont, MI
...

Ethin's Heart Still Beats has teamed up with Briar Hill to offer a a fun day of golfing to help make the difference in the heart of a child! The day promises to be fun as four men/women golf all 18 holes with the chance to bid for bragging rights for longest drive, closest to the pin, and longest putt. There are many ways to help be a part of the day and we hope to see you out there!!! At the clubhouse we will be having a ton of fun with raffles, 50/50, and some other fun activities.

Hole Sponsorship
Hole Sponsorship is a great way to get your business' name out there for a day and for a great cause! EHSB is offering two different types of hole sponsorships. We are also offering a split sponsorship. There is a $300 sponsorship that is a 4ftx2ft vinyl sign that if you purchased this year any year after this year you will pay the smaller sponsorship fee and always use this bigger sign! There is also a $100 sponsorship and that is the size of a yard sign and is two sided. The split sponsorship is $50 yard sign and is one sponsor on one side and another on the other. Sponsor a hole and play golf $475/$275 accordingly.

Golfing
The outing is a four man scramble. Every hole will be captains choice for the card. The cost for the four man team is $200. Your $200 covers 18 holes of golf, a cart, and lunch for the day. Tee off will be a shotgun start at 9am with 18-30 teams entered to golf; 30+ teams will have a tee off in the afternoon. There will be extra cost to enter contest for closest to the pin, longest drive, and longest putt. We will also be selling mulligans 2 per person which limits it to 8 per team for the day. You will be able to buy them the morning of the outing. 1st place traveling trophy will be awarded as well as a trophy for each team member of the team. Awards for 2nd and 3rd place teams will also be awarded. EHSB is also offering teams the opportunity to buy shirts for the golf outing this is an extra cost of $10 per shirt. Preordering ensures availability. Hope to see you out there.

Contact Info:
Jessica Twigg Founder/President EHSB
616-634-3029
Deanna Traxler Co founder/Treasurer EHSB
231-924-6549
email us at
chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Jessa at the canoe rental before we left

Jayde in the tree too

Jessa chillin out

Me waiting too

The bus ride to the entrance point

We are ready to get in the raft and go down river

Playing at the island Jonathin was really airborne!!

SPLOOSH!!

A picture of us at the island now lets get going!!

The cottage day with Phil's family!!

Jonathin jumping off the diving board!

Jessa going in

Jessa swimming

Me landing from the diving board!

Phil's son Owen going in from the diving board

Jonathin and GP coming to the raft

The kiddos jumping in Jonathin, Jessa, and Phil's niece Shelby....What a great day!

Owen and Jayde with the blue gil that Jayde caught

My very baby bluegil!

Me at softball on a Friday night

Me making a play at first Michelle you are out!

Jayde at Lake Michigan

Two of my nephews and my two girls in the hole they dug at Lake Michigan

Me at Lake Michigan

Jayde at Phil's for a bonfire

Jayde and I

Jonathin just lazing in the yard

Let the festivities begin!

The J Triplets, Phil's son and the boy's friend too!

Jessa with a sparkler

Phil lighting sparklers for Jayde

LOL The kids goofing around!! Owen, Jayde, Seth, Jonathin, and Jessa.....Ah Ah Ah Ah Staying Aliiiiiiive

What a group of yahoo's

The water slide!!!

Loaded with a water gun!!!

Thumb's up I'll go down too!

Oh yeah that is cold!

Jayde coming down

Love my kids

Jessa coming down

Jayde riding horses

Jessa riding all by herself!

She has such a natural love for horses!

We barebacked cuz of the heat so here I am getting on!

Let's run

Loving the horse

You can take me out of the country but you can never take the country out of me!

This is so freeing!

I am not sure if there was more fudgsicle in her belly or on her face but either way it made a great picture!!

Jonathin hanging around

I caught the pig and now I will kiss the pig

Amazing!!!

My kids caught one too!!!

The pucker up to kiss the alpaca!

Mmmmwah!!

Jonathin kissed the alpaca too

And the Alpaca kissed Jayde!!! LOL

Jayde and I hanging out on the beach at Brooks lake

My kids waiting for the parade to come through

Jonathin at the water battle

Jayde at the water battle

Firemen's Water Battle

Thats it so far for pictures this summer, but I promise there will be more as I am going to a Tigers game next week with Phil, a White Caps game in two weeks with my kiddos, and a trip to my brothers for camping! Yes the summer is no where near being done and in the mix of it all we are living with part of us in Heaven Loving life Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

Yes I did say Loving Life and I meant it I am truly loving life and loving being in love with the love of my life! I am blessed by my kids, his kids, and him! Next week we are going to relive our second date here is what we looked like a year ago at that game!!!

I do love this man and look forward to sharing pics of us at the game next week with you all!

2 Years Really??

2011-07-03T06:27:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe that it has now been a full two years. I have woke up for two years since my son died and today I woke up for two years since I watched them lower a casket that should never have been made into the ground holding MY son! Oh dear God.........Two years has passed and the world still has never stopped or even slowed down. My world paused briefly, but as the world went on I learned that mine needed to as well.
After two years of following our family I am sure that you would all agree that it has gotten very different. I am telling you that it still is not any easier today as I write, nor is it better.....just different. Even the things I never thought would be different are different.
When we get in the van to go anywhere there is an empty seat that should be filled with a 2 1/2 year old blue eyed little boy and he's not there. When we eat there is no mess on my floor to clean up. There is no temper tantrums over having to pick up toys, no little guy holding my finger, there is no punk running around at my feet while I make dinner, and there is no little voice saying mommy holding out his arms for me to swoop up into mine. You see it's all different......
Rather than our house we live in a tiny apartment. Rather than being a full-time mommy and part time employee I work full time and barely make ends meet, rather than my single life just me and my kids I have this amazing guy, rather than having beautiful flowers in front of my apartment I have flowers at a grave, rather than watching my J Triplets teach Ethin things I watch them cry for him still.....You see it's all different.........
Without Ethin my life would be different too......If Ethin would not have ever existed so much of my life would not be what it is and what it is though at times is hard has truly been a blessing! Though it is different there is so much in my life that I have because of Ethin. I miss him every single day!!! Not a day goes by that I do not miss him that I do not wish it were different than it is. You see it's all different.....
The J Triplets and I have a very different life than we would have had if Ethin were here, but this is the life we are living. On June 27th we went to the cemetery and we released balloons.....The first thought in my head was how this is the second time in three days that I had let balloons go to Heaven for a sweet child. On Friday I had let one go up to the Heavens for Princess Lindsay. I think that this past week has been the hardest ever. So much happened in such a short period of time. You see it's all different........
I do see where I am so lucky and blessed the first person to say anything to me on Monday was Phil and he wrapped his arms around me and said it would be OK that it was alright. I was crying and he at that point just gave me what I needed. As the day went on my friend Jeannie helped me out and let me know it was ok, then I had the J Triplets and we went to the cemetery however it was there that I did not even shed a tear and realized how very empty I felt......I felt so completely empty the J Triplets were running around and it was empty I was empty the rest of the day was empty too. When night fell the kiddos went to bed and Phil came over and I was still empty.....All the things I loved were around me that day and I felt nothing not a thing! I did not understand it and after Phil left I laid there on the couch with Ethin's monkey and his blanket and suddenly the flood gates that had been holding it all day let it out. I began to cry and I cried for so long when suddenly I could smell Ethin on his blanket. I sniffled myself to sleep like I have so many other nights and the week went on and life will go on like this all never happened and the dam in which I truly hate June has been rebuilt for a year. You see it's all different......
So while I may not write much anymore it is for a lack of time normally, but sometimes just a lack of knowing how to tell you all that I am different than I ever was. The J Triplets are different too. We are forever different. We always think about Ethin and we never stop loving him.....Ethin's life mattered and it mattered to me. If you stop and think of Ethin for a minute today just smile he did that best.

Suzie You Are Right Heaven Got Sweeter......

2011-06-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

Of all the things I do not understand I just do not understand the loss of a child.......I have lost my child and I do not understand it. I have so many things I want to write and say to my friends that have just lost their child and I can't bring myself to do it. And so many times I I have so much I want to write and say here and then I just don't do it. You see I focus so hard on trying to be "normal" that I just stopped acknowledging my grief to the outside world. Then June came and it started to slip out like a dam with a tiny crack and then Friday I got the text message that Lindsay had gone to Heaven and it completely broke the dam before the 27th of this month.
Two years ago at U of M during the first days of June Ethin and Lindsay were still in moderate care together in the same room, Sofi was in ICU, and the Butcher's came to see us all once a week. The morning of June 3, 2009 I was walking to Ethin's room and the halls were so full and cramped with so many people and such a commotion. When I got to Ethin's room I looked over at Suzie and asked what was going on and she told me me Tommy (Ethin's Heart Brother) was getting his new heart. This was a much needed miracle and uplifting thing for the Heart family at Mott as Ethan Bilpo had just passed away on May 20, 2009. Ethan and Tommy were best buds and Ethan did not get his heart in time. Tommy received his heart that night and the following day Suzie left the hospital and there I was in the room with Ethin looking over at Lindsay and nurses kept coming in smiling, laughing, & crying going up to Lindsay. Finally I was told Lindsay was also getting the gift of life a new heart. Two Hearts in two days. Lindsay would not be in Ethin's room, but would be in ICU with Tommy and Sofi. Within days Lindsay was out of ICU and in the private room right next to Ethin which had all glass doors my punk was still with the princess! Lindsay coded and went back to ICU. Those two weeks were full of ups and downs as Sofi too was still in ICU. By mid June Tommy, Lindsay, and Ethin were all out on the general floor. Tommy and Lindsay in private rooms cuz of transplant and Ethin in a normal room. Sofi was still around the corner in ICU. Not to be out done the last general care private room was occupied by Britt Butcher who got appendicitis.
At the time it seemed like it just would not have an end, but today I look back and we were all together. We were a family. We were all down the hall and just around the corners from one another. Our beloved Heart Warriors, Princess', Punks they were all alive. We were all there to hug one another in the middle of the night. Colleen one night held Ethin after Tommy had fallen asleep but she could not sleep. I had great conversations with Brett, Colleen, Suzie, and Krissy. Oh the conversations Krissy and I shared in those hospital walls. You see we were a unit. Then it all changed.....
Ethin who really seemed so promising in the heart world the way he fought won his ultimate fight and God scooped him up in his arms and carried home. That day is etched in my mind as I went back to the hospital. Britt had been discharged, Sofi in ICU, Lindsay and Tommy at opposite ends of the hall. However the Butchers came that day to be with me, Krissy (Sofi) NEVER left my side, Colleen (Tommy) updated my carepage, and Suzie & JR (Lindsay) offered a quiet retreat that was dark and away from the others, Lindsay's room had a room you had to go through to get to hers. I am not even sure if they know it but the moments they let me slip in there that day I needed desperately. And everyone, EVERY single heart family at that hospital gave there love, prayers, a hug, and support. This community is a family and we are shattered all the time! It is not fair!
I could never imagine what my Heart family went through when I lost Ethin. And now I am going through it. I can not imagine what Suzie and JR are going through it and I have been through it. This is unimaginable. I wish that this was different than it is. I so badly want it to be different. I want my phone to go off and for it to be a text saying that Lindsay is OK. Even after two years I want my phone to ring and someone to tell me they have Ethin. The pain I feel is so unreal. It is devastating. I not only feel the loss of Lindsay it just intensified the loss of Ethin. and that in itself makes me feel wrong that while my friends have suffered something so horrific I can not help but miss Ethin as it is June. My birthday is Thursday which is also the last day two years ago I ever took a picture of my son alive.
Thursday on my birthday I will be at Lindsay's viewing. Friday I will say goodbye to the Princess that brightened my son's room for month's. I am saying goodbye to a little girl that I have quietly watched continue to flourish and grow as a way to help me heal through the loss of my son. Lindsay you truly will always be a Princess to all who know you all the lives you have touched. Thank you for being such an amazing Heart Sister to Ethin! He was lucky to look over at you and draw strength while you were together. Play hard with the Punk in Heaven Princess!

The things in this life that happen that leave asking why
Try to just trust God and try not to cry
While we are left here and do not quite understand
I imagine that she smiled and took her savior's hand
With her curiosity beaming ever so bright
She entered Heaven the same as she did here with an exhilarating light
Papa Yum Yum ready to greet her hoist her up into his lap
With excitement and glee that smile that lights up a room her two little hands began to clap

Word get around fast in Heaven and a Princess' arrival is not had every day
Before long there were familiar faces to her ones that had been waiting to play
Annabelle ran and gave her hug only sisters can share
While Lindsay ran up not far behind they shared the spelling of their name that was rare
Connor was ready to play he was excited and jumping up down
Luke was there too his laugh was heard all around
Ethin what a punk ready to see his room mate and give her a smile
The much wiser of the Ethan's came walking up the Princess mile
With a heart felt hug she thanked him for his request two years ago
Love is never ending this picture of Heaven surely must show
And in the midst of all that someone walked up and thanked her for living so fully for them both
It was apparent who this little person was the love was immediate between them with rapid growth
The Princess walked back over to Yum Yum and crawled in his lap question in her eye
Jesus walked over and picked her up already knowing and said these words as he wiped the last tear she'd ever cry away from her eye
"Sweet Princess I chose you so carefully and you did well
Your mommy & daddy they love you and I promise that they will not quell
I chose them as carefully as I chose you I will be with them like I have always been with you
This will be hard for them, but I have sent them Angels too....
So sweet Princess this is not forever and they to know that, but until then run along with all those here that love you and remember that one day you'll all be together in Heaven Forever!

Jessica Twigg
June 20, 2011
Written for Lindsay "Princess" Dean

1st Annual Ethin's Heart Still Beats Golf Outing and an update

2011-06-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

Ethin's Heart Still Beats 1^st Annual Golf Outing

September 10, 2011

Briar Hill Golf Course

950 W. 40th

Fremont, MI

Ethin's Heart Still Beats has teamed up with Briar Hill to offer a a fun day of golfing to help make the difference in the heart of a child! The day promises to be fun as four men/women golf all 18 holes with the chance to bid for bragging rights for longest drive, closest to the pin, and longest putt. There are many ways to help be a part of the day and we hope to see you out there!!! At the clubhouse we will be having a ton of fun with raffles, 50/50, and some other fun activities.

Hole Sponsorship

Hole Sponsorship is a great way to get your business' name out there for a day and for a great cause! EHSB is offering two different types of hole sponsorships. We are also offering a split sponsorship. There is a $300 sponsorship that is a 4ftx2ft vinyl sign that if you purchased this year any year after this year you will pay the smaller sponsorship fee and always use this bigger sign! There is also a $100 sponsorship and that is the size of a yard sign and is one sided. The split sponsorship is $50 yard sign and is one sponsor on one side and another on the other. Sponsor a hole and play golf $475/$275 accordingly.

Golfing

The outing is a four man scramble. Every hole will be captains choice for the card. The cost for the four man team is $200. Your $200 covers 18 holes of golf, a cart, and lunch for the day. Tee off will be a shotgun start at 9am with 18-30 teams entered to golf; 30+ teams will have a tee off in the afternoon. There will be extra cost to enter contest for closest to the pin, longest drive, and longest putt. We will also be selling mulligans 2 per person which limits it to 8 per team for the day. You will be able to buy them the morning of the outing. 1^st place traveling trophy will be awarded as well as a trophy for each team member of the team. Awards for 2^nd and 3^rd place teams will also be awarded. EHSB is also offering teams the opportunity to buy shirts for the golf outing this is an extra cost of $10 per shirt. Preordering ensures availability. Hope to see you out there.

Contact Info:

Jessica Twigg Founder/President EHSB

616-634-3029

Deanna Traxler Co founder/Treasurer EHSB

231-924-6549

email us at

chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

So as it goes life always hands you cards that you do not want to hold in your hand. Friday night I was at softball when my phone went off. The news was not good. Ethin's heart sister Lindsay Dean passed away unexpectedly. Ethin and Lindsay shared a room at Mott for a long time. We watched Lindsay get her new heart and I have to tell you Friday and even to now I am just devastated this is so close to home and so close to the two year mark of losing Ethin that I am just speechless. My heart is truly aching. The news has not gotten any better as Lindsay's mom Suzie is not doing well and is in the hospital and so I am asking that you all pray for her. Pray for Lindsay's family and the entire world as Lindsay truly touched the world.

With a heavy Heart, Jessica

The way it's supposed to be

2011-06-06T11:05:00.000-07:00

Well I would love to tell you that I have some great excuse as to why I have not written, but the truth is there is no good excuse for it! I have been working my tail off!!! When I am not working I am with the J Triplets, the boyfriend, or exercising.....
Well I should start with an update and say that I have been seizure free now for almost two months!!! God is a healer and just as quickly as they came they also went.....That's all I am going to say about that.....
School lets out here this week and I am excited and happy for summer to finally be here. In Michigan we truly experience all four seasons, but I would say the most fun is summer. The kids are doing well and getting big. All three of the kiddos are finishing up baseball and softball this week just in time as I started softball last week! Work is still going well or I should say now that I am back to work! Phil is still the love of my life and I feel so blessed to have him in my life. Being in love really is a great look on me!!!
So it is June of 2011......Has it really been almost two years??? Have I really lived without Ethin for almost two years? I can not believe how much has changed in the last two years and as it approaches I am reminded constantly how hard it has been, yet in some ways all the blessings that have come through what has happened......
When June first arrived here I myself knew that the rest of the month was going to just feel dreadful....Well there are days like that and then there are days that seem fairly normal minus the obvious. I still so many times think that this is a nightmare that will end and I will wake up and everything will be the way it is supposed to be. Then I have those moments where I know that there are things that I have now that I would not have if things were the way they are supposed to be....So I am in the reality of the way things are and the way God has meant it to be.....But I still miss Ethin everyday and as the J Triplets go on their grief is becoming much more evident......In the midst of it all I do appreciate the way it is even though it's not the way it's supposed to be.
I will be writing more frequently this month as this month is hard.....And since nothing is the way it is supposed to be I just wanted to share this pic of the J Triplets and I with you from Mother's Day!

Yes we are true MSU fans!! Even though things are not the way they are supposed to be they are the way they are and as hard as that is at times I am so thankful for the gifts in my life and that means these three kiddos. My life is blessed!

1 Month ago I had it all

2011-04-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

Yes I look at back to a month ago and I see this very vibrant, smiling, laughing, athletic, young woman who really had it all. I had a job I loved and was in management, I had my kids more, my own place to live, and a boyfriend that I really would've given the world to. In that girl's place now stands a woman who is 27, not working, and seizing. I broke up with the boyfriend as it this is not fair to him. My daughter had to call 9-1-1 for me. And I am now applying for disability because my doctor told me to. She also let me know I can not play softball. What has happened to my life.
I feel like I was normal one day and going through life and God said you know what Jessica I have something else for you. Just one more thing that I am going to ask you to use as a way to glorify me. Well let me tell you what God, I am not sure how to glorify you through this right now. But I will try. So here I am on my blog crying, because I need to cry and to tell someone that I am scared and I am tired.
I was asked to speak at a woman's retreat in May and since this started I am going to title it "God It's Me Again, I know You're There." I find this appropriate as I begin to travel yet another "New Different" that I have not asked for. Soon I may just ask God to carry me completely. However right now I do not feel God even holding my hand. I have faith I know I do, but why is it so constantly tested. What did I do so wrong in this life to have so much happen to me at the young age of 27. Yes 27 what the HELL?!!!
So I am adjusting to many new things right now. Meds, tiredness, and the need for Phil to be next to me holding my hand and he's not. I am also adjusting to this new normal that I do not want. God give me back my life. Just give it back to me!! What have I done so wrong to deserve all this? Haven't I been through enough glorifying your name through it all, haven't I still called you my God when others would have walked away? God it's me again Jessica and I am telling you I can not take anymore!! Did you hear me? No More!!
OK now that I feel better about just getting some of that off my chest I suppose so many of you are asking so many questions.....
I started having seizures....Not overly bad, but not sure why. I do not have health insurance so trying to see a neurologist is not an option. I can not work because the meds make me high. I want me back, but I am not sure that I will have the me that I had before so I need to learn to adjust to this new me. It is very frustrating. I know that I am going to have them from a taste in my mouth, and when I wake up from them I can not just speak like I normally do and it takes me a minute to realize where I am. It's scary.
The kids are doing well and have finally started spring sports. Jonathin and Jayde are playing coach pith baseball Phil is one of their coaches (Just GREAT), and Jessa is playing softball. They love it so far! Tonight is week two. I love watching them play a game that I love so much. They are all doing well in school and getting big. I truly am so blessed in life by having them be a part of it.
Although I "technically" broke up with Phil we still talk every day and he is still still my friend. Actually Sunday we are going to go to my grandma's to have dinner. Yes it's weird, but I want him to be there. Honestly not being with him has been killer right now, but he does have some things he needs to figure out. I would like to hope that he will and I will have my happily ever after.
I have also realized in the last week that my energy is zero. I really have no energy. The smallest activity wears me out. I tire quickly and just feel very unme. I daze in and out of here and there where ever there is. I have constant headaches and itchiness. I have lost 17 pounds and dropped two whole pant sizes!!
If you could please keep me and the J Triplets in your prayers. We are adjusting, but they know very little. Thank You and God Bless,
Jessica

I Am Just Beat.....

2011-03-12T18:54:00.000-08:00

Well this week was long and full of things for me to learn. I started my training at work for the midday/shift manager position that I was given. I was so nervous on onday when I showed up to work that I was not even sure what I was doing at all. Needless to say that by the time the day was done I not only survived but felt that I did a good job. Tuesday was another long 10 hour day, but when it was done I again walked away feeling satisfied with my job and the decision to acept the oppurtunity to move up. Now here it is Saturday night and I have completely survived my first week of training. My job rocks!

Monday was busy not just with work, but also with life. The kids all had their conferences for school on Monday. Jessa's was first and that girl is doing great she is amazing. She is in 4th grade and reading at the level of a 6th grader. She is like 10 points away from being an independent reader at school. Then I went to Jayde's conference....well Jayde has mastered everything that she needs to for the year, but hr behavior is a bit on the rough side as well as she would do much better if she always applied herself. Jonathin is reading right where he should be his math is great and his teacher was very proud of how well he is doing too. I am very proud of all three of the kids.

Monday night was also the first round of district basketball games for the varsity boys. Newaygo played Fremont again and what a match up it was set to be. However Fremont not only kicked Newaygo out of the district running, but on Friday they won their tird game for the week and the right to be called District Champs. If Newaygo was not going to win it I wanted it to be Fremont as they were the other team that played in our game so overall Varsity ball ended not to shabby!

My sister also got married on Monday. It was a shotgun wedding, but she is happy. So I now have a brother-in-law and a new nephew. My family grew and I did not have to have another baby to do it. Monday was tremendously busy!!

Friday I picked up the kids from GP's and my sister and her husband took us out to dinner at the local chinese restaurant. After dinner I took the kids to the movies and we seen "Rango". It was a cute movie, but I have never heard the word hell so many times in a two hour period. If it were not for the words hell and dam being said it was a great movie, but had I of known this before we went to watch it we would not have went and seen it. Not to mention I paid $5 for Jayde to not even watch half the movie as she fell asleep causing the poor highschool girl behind us to start laughing so hard that she had to bury her head in her jacket.

Michigan weather is always a mystery to me. The weather here is still not sure if it wants to be warm or cold and so we are in that limbo where we are all sure that spring is on its way. Despite the weather I took a walk outside today for a few minutes to try and get a clear head. It didn't work! My head is still foggy! That's all I have to say about that.

Well I was right that the amount of time I would be able to see Phil this week would be limited and it was. I took him out to dinner Tuesday night and now this evening when we seen eachother has been all the time we have been able to spare this week. So we watched the Michigan State/Penn State game today. Boy was that disappointing. I really thought that they would win. We went out to dinner and now he's sitting on the other side of the couch and we are watching Encino Man.....Hopefully church tomorrow and lunch with my grandma.....Yes life is fitting together nicely in my little piece of the world.....

So this week as every other week I did think of Ethin. I can never help think that everything that makes me happy right now I would not have if Ethin were here.....And as much as I love some of the things/people in my life I would give it all up to have Ethin back. Someone close to me lost a brother this week and she told me how his son keeps talking about Heaven as though it is a place that he can go and visit. Wouldn't that be nice if Heaven were a place we could just take a vacation too for a weekend? Which led me to write this poem please enjoy and I will write on Monday for the Meet Me Monday.....Please give me your questions!!!

Love and Blessings,

Jessica

I wish that Heaven wasn't quite so far away

For I would love to come for a weekend stay

I would love to come and have a holiday with you

If my thinking is right I know you'd love to see me too

Just to stay a few days and linger in your light

Fall asleep together listening to your breath through the night

To hold you in my arms or have you walk and hold my hand

Walk along the beach with you our toes in the warm sand

I'd love to see your smile and here your laughter fill the air

Talk to you and have you tell me about your life there

For as much as I wish that Heaven were a place that I could come for a night or two

This could never be as one more night would never be enough with you

So while Heaven is not a place I can share with you today

God has a place for me up there and I promise when I get there we'll play

Jessica Twigg

3-12-11

Meet Me Mondays

2011-03-07T18:34:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Meet Me Mondays!!! I am so excited!!! I have missed doing the meet me Monday posts as they were just a way of not writing about everyday life! And I love for people to get to know me! So here we go with the two Meet Me Monday questions!!!

What is your favorite Bible verse?

I for years had one Bible verse that I just loved and it is the one posted at the top of my blog. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have in store for you," declares the Lord, "Plans of good and not evil to give you a future and a Hope!"

This Bible verse was given to me my senior year of highschool as a way to get me to "see" God's plan by a family I went to church with at the time. When I read it I fell in love with it and realized that God ultimately had every intention of me succeeding in life! What a wonderful promise that is to hold onto!!!

A very close second to this verse however is Joshua 1:9 which says, "Be strong and corageous, do not be terrified for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you are." I had never heard this verse or read it until I had Ethin and after that it was another way for God to assure me that I was NEVER alone and for Ethin it just spoke volumes!

Though these are my top 2 there are many I love and I encourage everyone to really look at these verses specially the first one and just feel God speaking to you!

What is it like coaching your children in sports?

It is like being the ultimate mom! I have coached Jessa for 9 seasons of soccer and I truly loved it. Last fall I coached Jayde for the first time and well some of your kids you can coach and others you should not. I have never got to coach Jonathin. However in coaching too it is a great feeling to have the trust of other children and to teach them something fun and physical! I also love that when coaching I am given the oppurtunity to teach kids about being a team player, good sportsmanship, respect, self worth, & skills! Kids are truly just fun to be around and it normally will bring out the best in you. Sadly last fall was my last season of coaching soccer as life is just to busy to continue to do so and my kids are all done playing soccer as they are moving onto different sports.

As I close this update I would love for you all to share with me your favorite Bible verses. PLease comment your Meet Me Monday questions for upcoming weeks! Glad to report that my first day as a manager went well!!!

Blessings,

Jessica

Busy, Busy, & More Busy

2011-03-06T11:37:00.000-08:00

What a long week.....I think at the end of most of my weeks I give a sigh and just say that was a long week!!! However this week was a little rougher than most. With being with Krysten's family on Wednesday and then just the normal hustle of the week. Needless to say I am just exhausted and would rather go to bed right now instead of going into work tonight to close to wake up and open tomorrow morning.

So tomorrow morning I will go into work and start my first day at work as a manager. I start my trainging as a shift/midday manager. I am so excited, but so nervous too! I love my job though and am excited to feel like I am going places with my job. Besides when I can go to work and know that where I work wants to be involved and make a difference that makes it even better.

So Friday I got out of work and picked my kids up from GP's and we went and rented two movies and got pizza for dinner. We spent the night relaxing as a family and laughing and watching movies. We all went to bed and when I woke up in the morning the first thing I seen was Jessa who was holding my hand and with her face right up to mine she said, "Mom I love you." It is in moments like that where I jusst melt! I love being a mom. The very next thing I heard came from the living room and it was Jonathin, "Jayde you are such a JERK!" Whoa rewind.....No instead I had to get up and deal with that. LOL Such is the life of a mother. We all cooked breakfast together and before I knew it their dad was there to pick them up so I could go to work.

However Saturday before work was the Michigan Michigan State basketball game. I love watching sports and I did so Saturday in my own leisurely way before I had to leave for work. Michigan State lost, but hopefully we willl still be in the NCAA tournament. Phil was nice enough to text me when the game was done and let me know the score. He is a HUGE MSU fan like me which is good.

I feel like that part of my life this week has truly been missing. I have not really seen him since last Sunday morning and it seems that our schedules between work and kids is not going to allow for it this week either. The first thing I said to him this morning when we talked on the ohone was that I miss him....Man I am no good at that missing him stuff. We are used to having time for eachother and this week it just was not possible and as I look onto this week with starting management at work I just do not see it being possible this week either. Relationships sure do require give and take on both parts and we talked about that. it seems that we are going to have to make time to see eachother this week if it is what we want. I am hoping that tonight I can see him while I am on my break at work. It looks hopeful, but we will see.

Also I received a phone call this morning from my little sister that has been living me. She asked where I was and then proceeded to tell me that she is getting married at 4pm tomorrow. WHAT!!! Really she is getting married and apparently I need to be there to sign as a wittness. Talk about a shotgun wedding at the courthouse. That is really just never what I would have wanted for my sister! However this is what she wants and so as her sister it is my job to just support her in it and hope the best for her and my soon to be brother-in-law and my niece and his sons.

Alright Blog world tomorrow is Monday which means there will be a Meet Me Monday post!!! Oh I am so excited!!! Please make sure to comment your questions to me I will anszwer two every week! This sis going to be so much fun!!! However it can only last as long as I have questions....Don't be shy leave your questions and I will get them answered. My first two questions tomorrow were from someone that personally just asked them of me, but that is OK as I did not have any left. So until tomorrow enjoy the rest of your beautiful Sunday!

Blessings,

Jessica

I am Blessed

2011-03-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

Well I got home from Grand Rapids this afternoon and got some work done. Being at the hospital today was just all to much. I do not know how my friends that I love dearly in the heart world can do what I saw today. As a parent having to give your child to someone as they are saying, "No", or "Me go home".....Oh I just do not think I could have done it. That is the one area with Ethin I never progressed to was him being able to talk to me like that to say please don't make me go. I was so distraught after seeing all that and hearing it all and being there that the first thing I did was called Stef to just vent.

This is an area in my life where I am blessed. I have all these wonderful friends that let me call no matter what and for anything. My heart family is truly amazing and I am so thankful for them. Sometimes it is hard though as I feel so much with them and they with me. We truly put ourselves out there for eachother and share our burdens with one another. Sometimes it is hard to have some of my closest friends be so far away, but I truly have cried with them and they with me, we have laughed together, and we have held eachother strong....Greater Love has noone than this: to lay down one's life for one's friend. John 15:13 Yes we may not lay down our lives in the way you are thinking, but we have stopped our lives and layed down pieces of our lives for eachothers joys, heartaches, triumphs, and tradgedies....I would be nothing without so many of my friends!

The kids and I had an amazing night on Friday together. We went to the last home basketball game with Jen & her boys, as well as when I picked up my kids from daycare I picked up Phil's son too and so he also met us at the game. The boys lost, but Jen got a new camera and did not miss any photo oppurtunity!

Jessa and I at the game

She put on my glasses and Oooh that tongue!

This is Cate & I Conor's sister...Amazing what having one young man play a basketball game with Ethin's name on his back got me! This girl rocks!

Jayde and I at the game she was not impressed!

My little man and I

He is so lovable he will kiss his mommy in public I Love it but I am sure it will not last!

Phil and I at the game with his son looking on....He was my picture yesterday for my 30 day challenge on face book...Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without....This was easy as I can not imagine my life without him. He is not just that guy that makes me feel like I have butterflies in my gut, but he is my confidant, my best friend, and he has stolen my heart! I am so blessed...And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

This is Zach Franks he played last year and this year for Tommy Schomaker in the Newaygo Lions Have Heart Game...I'm so proud of him, but this year was his last year for that game as he graduates this year...I am so honored to know him he is truly just a great young man with great potential. At the game on Friday Zach and I talked and he let me know that he is looking at going into the service after high school.

Jayde loved that Conor held her for our family picture with Conor at the basketball game and has wanted a picture of just her and Conor since. It was so funny Conor asked if she needed to be held for the picture and before I could answer tater Tot Yelled, "Yes I Do!" LOL I think she has a crush.

Saturday I woke up and was a garbage girl!! It's a dirty job but someone has to do it!!

Um There I think??? LOL

Yes hoisting garbage! This was after I tackled a garbage can football style.

And in we go!!!

My hands stunk so bad after we were done!!! I am trying to convince the company I need a pink shirt!! I want to be a pretty garbage girl ya know???

Saturday night Phil took me out to dinner and then we went and spent some time with this very special little girl! Any guesses who she is????

Yes this is Sofi LaPres wearing her jersey from the game!! Thank You Steve Lisee for proudly wearing her name for 2 years now. This was also Steve's last year for this game as he is also graduating!

She is a total poser though and I loved seeing her and loved even more that Phil was there with me to experience her vibrance and zest for life. Sofi's mom Krystin and I are very good friends and it was so nice to spend time with their family on Saturday night.

On Sunday I woke up and went to my church that I grew up in, but had made the decision this past summer that I knew God was pulling me somewhere else. However on Sunday it was Pastor Nate and Andrea's last Sunday at CLC as they too are being called by God to move on in their ministry. Pastor Andrea was the pastor that I did my public profession of Faith with almost 6 years ago. She also dedicated Ethin just 4 hours after his birth and she sat with me through his second surgery. She was a great friend after Ethin passed away and she did the graveside service for the funeral. Her Husband Nate baptized all four of my children, was there for Ethin's first surgery and rushed down the night after his second one...He was there for the third one too. He gave Ethin's entire Eulogy at the funeral. Both Pastor Nate & Andrea rushed to the hospital the day Ethin was called home to Heaven. They are both very close to my heart and I promise you if I ever get married they will have to marry me! I will miss them greatly and feel so blessed they have been my pastors for 7 years....They have seen me at my worst and helped me through some tough times. We have shared many joys though too....I will miss them, but also know that where ever God calls them they will succeed.

Also on Sunday going to my "Home" church I was able to see many people that have watched me grow up and have supported me through so much in my life. One of those people in my life is Pat who also helped with the Title sequence at the top....She gave me her idea of Love...Yesterday, Today, & Tomorrow which I "chewed" on and used. Thank you pat I love you!

Church on Sunday was also overwhelming for me in one other way. I have one living grandfather left and he also goes to that church. When I was little he was my pal, my fishing buddy, and many times his strong hand would hold mine, if I fell he would pick me up in his arms. My grandfather has Parkinson's and has been slowly falling to it. On Sunday as I held my grandpa up through the last song and walked him out to sit in the Narthenex I could not help but feel my eyes well up with tears. Once he was sat down in a chair I looked at him with watery eyes and said very affimatively, "I Love You Grandpa." He looked at me and said this, "Today when I opened my eyes I was here and it was a blessing, because I am still here and I got to see you. One day I will open my eyes and I won't be here and that will also be a blessing I will be OK. I love you Jessi." I could not stop the tears not even to seem strong for him. I love my grandpa and it has been very hard for me to see him like this, but when he said that to me on Sunday I felt as though there I was in a role reversal, but my grandpa was still being strong for me as he always has been in trying to let me know it will all be OK. Please pray for my grandpa and my grandma as she cares for him. I think the kids and I will be going to see them this weekend.

Alright also I want to start doing something really fun on my blog again.....I am bringing back Meet Me Mondays!!! What I need is any question you have for me that you would like me to answer. You can leave them as a comment and I will answer two every single Monday! I am so looking forward to this so please do not be shy about your questions they can be anything from what inspires me to what my biggest pet peeves are. The questions are limitless please comment them!!!!

Until next time, Blessings my friends!

Jessica

How it Feels

2011-03-02T08:23:00.000-08:00

Well blog world here is the new revamped version of my blog. It is still Ethin's Heart Still Beats but that is a subtitle. The new title is Living Life with part of me in Heaven....Love....Yesterday, Today, & Tomorrow. I vamped the whole blog to reflect so much more than just being a Heart mom and the mother who lost a child. It reflects me being those things, but also it reflects me being the mother to the J Triplets, a friend, a woman of God, a girlfriend, and everything under the sun. I like it I hope you all enjoy it too. I also added pages under the title sequence.

So there are things that I went through with Ethin that have allowed me to be there for other families. I write that statement as I am sitting at Helen DeVos Children's hospital with a local heart family from where I live waiting for my "niece" Krysten to come out of a heart catherization procedure. How it feels to me is almost surreal. I feel like just yesterday I was sitting in hospitals waiting for Ethin. I'm not sure how ready I was to be in a waiting room under these circumstances, but I know I could not have been anywhere else today. Please just pray for Krysten and her family as we wait the day away in the hospital. Here is a pic of Krysten and I from the ball game a few weeks ago.

Yeppers my life as a Heart Aunt!

In other news families are starting to get there jerseys from the basketball game and are posting pictures and writing about it on there facebooks and blogs. Please check out Logan in his jersey at Stef's blog When Life Hands You A Broken Heart.

I will give a more full better update in a couple of days, but Krysten is out of the heart cath and we are waiting to go see her....Love to you All,
Jessica

So it goes.......

2011-02-24T14:59:00.000-08:00

Wow what a couple of months. Etihn's Heart Still Beats keeps me very busy. On top of that though I have my kids, my job, and dare I say it a boyfriend that I am completely in love with.....So many of you are pry wondering what has been going on in my life as I have completely eluded the blog world on a personal level. So here it goes....
The kids are all doing well. They are growing like weeds and I love my time with them. They always bring up their brother which is nice as I still NEED and LOVE to hear Ethin's name and talk about him. The kids are doing much better with not having Ethin here. The holidays were overwhelmingly hard on all of us, but as a family we did it. Jayde however is constantly telling me she wishes she could be a big sister. That at times is so hard for me, because it does make her sad that she does not get to experience that. She wants me to have another baby all the time, but she also understands that I will not be doing that. She really was a great big sister and so many times I also wish that I was able to watch her be a big sister. So it goes that some things are not the way we want them. So it also goes that there is some pain that I can not take away from my kids no matter how bad I wish I could. As a family though we are strong and we continue to get stronger as we go through this together.
So it goes also that as I have said many times that this pain does not ever get any better. I would still stand very firm on that statement and say that it does not get better. However it does continue to get different and that different is really becoming a new normal in our home. Life also has continued to move on in a forward direction. A year ago I was still on my year off from work. Now I have been at my job 10 months and in a week and half I will be in management. A year ago I was roommating with a friend and I have now been in my own apartment for 7 months. So life does go on. I think that I could say that it has mostly gone on in a positive uphill motion. I am truly happy and feel so very blessed.
So it goes that I am happy I am still sad. So it goes that my life is so very full yet so very empty. The total opposite feelings are still there and most days I am sure that life will always be that way. I have been so blessed in life yet as I have started going back to church and I sit there and listen to the sermons I can not help but just let the tears roll down my cheeks as I question God's authority in my life. So it goes that I am far from perfect and am thankful that God loves me just the way He made me.
When I talk about the blessings in my life I guess that the one area in my life that I have kept from my blog is my "love" life. It was easy to hide this area of my life when I started my blog, because it did not exist. So my confession is that once it did I still never really let on that there was something huge and important going on in my life. I have now been dating my best friend for almost 8 months. It has been amazing. He helped me get through that first angelversary. He was just there for me when I needed him and before either of us knew it there were a ton of feelings that had developed. July came and we both finally fessed up our feelings and have been together since. It has had its ups and downs, but has been pretty darn amazing to me. I have never in my life felt so much for one person that was not one of my children. He is truly the best part of everyday and he is the one person I can not imagine my life without. And so it goes dare I say it, but I have fallen head over heels in love. I posted pictures of him on my last update.
Life is moving forward and so it goes that there is and always will be a part of me missing, but I know that I can do this. I know that I am needed here and that even though Ethn is not physically here he is everywhere. The last year and a half as hard as it has been God has put everything in place for my children and I to continue living a happy and meaningful life. Ethin changed everything that my life was or ever would be. There is nothing in my life at this very moment that Ethin was not a part of in some way. My children and I look for Ethin in everything we do and we make sure that he is a part of our life. I am positive that if Ethin were here life would be different for us than it is now, but I am also very positive that Ethin changed everything. God has been working in my life and showing me countless blessings through the loss of a child. This blog since Ethin passed away ahas been just that a way for me to express my feelings and share my life as I walked through it after the loss of a child. This has been and always will be my journey through grief, hope, and faith. However I am starting to see that this is not just about my grief anymore, but the happiness that is overflowing in my life. So in the next weeks I am going to be changing the blog a little bit. This is my journey through grief, hope, faith, and learning to live happy again! My journey through life with part of me in Heaven, but having happiness here. My journey through life as it goes from extreme to extremely wonderful!......Needless to say I am in need of some titles for the blog and what to use on the title sequence at the top. Please share with me your ideas!
Thank You from the bottom of my heart for being such a huge support for my kids and I, God Bless,
Jessica

I'm Late!!

2011-02-12T22:07:00.000-08:00

Well I owe the blog world a huge apology. My life has been so busy and hectic with Ethin's Heart Still Beats, my job that I still love, my kids, and my personal life as a whole. So I am so sorry but that also means that this update will be lengthy and fun with lots of pictures and so much to share!!!!

So I guess I looked and the last time I wrote was the day after the Heart Ball on Ethin's birthday. So let's start with the Heart Ball. We hosted the 2nd Annual Ethin's Heart Still Beats Heart Ball on January 8, 2011 here in Newaygo. What an amazing night!!! We started setting up the night before so we were ready on Saturday when everyone would be arriving.

The Welcome table

A table dedicated to Ethin and EHSB

A trifold board of everything EHSB has done since Ethin passed away

The hall before it was full

And boy did it pay off. The night started with an amazing dinner prepared by our chefs Scottie and Tony!!!

Throught dinner we had fun with the auction and after dinner we presented the managers from Wendy's of Newaygo with a plaque for helping collect blankets for the Cuddles From the Heart blanket drive.

This is a pic of the Wendy's crew that were there. Me, April, Kandi, and Terri

From there we introduced the Guest speaker Dr. Mark Russell one of Ethin's cardiologists from U of M Mott Children's Hospital.

After he gave his tear jerking speech we took a picture. Dr. Russell is very near and dear to my heart and I am so glad that he was able to come down and speek.

The night included a memory waltz again. I was able to dance with an amazing partner this year Fred Hoffman. And we rocked it! However I was very afraid I was going to fall on my face! LOL

Yeppers I was scared he would drop me just cuz it would have been funny! LOL

Then his girlfriend Brenda and him gave waltzing lessons to everyone. It was fun, but clearly not for everyone! LOL

After the Waltzing lessons there was some time to just dance and have fun!

So just so we are clear yes this would Phil my Best friend and clearly this was my favorite dance of the night!

Yeah he is pretty awesome and good looking and charming, and well I kinda dig him!

So here are just some more pics from the night enjoy!!!

All the Heart Families that were there L-R Goodfellows parents of Heart Angel Faith, Myself Mommy to Heart Angel Ethin, LaPres' parents to Warrior Sofi, & Amador's parents to Warrior Krysten

The Heideman's they were 2nd year attendance

The Amazing Board of EHSB

Fun with the local business owners of Newaygo, Wisner Rents Canoes, Sportman's Bar, Elizabeth Haulsey Botique, and A-Waste

The Amador family had their own table!

Rai Wisner and I

The Wendy's crew having way to much fun!

The board sharing a group hug

Tammi and I she took all our pics for us again this year

I love our caterers and they clearly love me!

This was the head table

Me with the all the Heart dads there Matt Goodfellow, Mike LaPres, & Leonard Amador

Jen Menken and her business donated all our printing

Love the DJ Jim Bowman too!

There really were so many pictures and you can see them all on the Ethin's Heart Still Beats Facebook album!!

And the Grand Net Total of the ball this year was just over $1300 so it was clearly a great success!! Thank you to all of the auction donors, the local support, friends, family, and of course the inspiration Ethin!

The theme of the ball this year was the difference of a heart and all I can say is these warriors and Angels there hearts make a difference!

Alright onto the next big thing we did!

The 2nd Annual Newaygo Lions Have Heart Basketball Game!

Announcing your Newaygo Lions and Fremont Packers!!!

The Newaygo Lions Line-Up
#1 Zenn Timmer playing in Honor of CHD Warrior Brycen Halas
#2 Zach Franks playing in Honor of CHD Warrior Tommy Schomaker
#3 Eric VanDam playing in Memory of CHD Angel Lindsay Groen
#5 Steve Lisee playing in Honor of CHD Warrior Sofi LaPres
# 10 Tyler Arends playing in Honor of CHD Warior Logan Jacks Sponsored by Newaygo Printing & Copy Center, LLC.
#12 Nathan Brown playing in Honor of CHD Warior Brittney Butcher Sponsored by Short Stop Motorcycle Parts & Accessories
#20 Brad Wright playing in Honor of CHD Warior Jayden Valasek
#21 Conor Bradley playing in Memory of CHD Angel Ethin Twigg sponsored by Postma Monument INC.
#23 Alex Roberts playing in Honor of CHD Warior Andrew Huegel sponsored by Blue Heart Trading company
#25 Christian Crotser playing in Honor of CHD Warior Derrick Carter sponsored by Ken Page, Jr.
#32 Damien Longoria playing in Honor of CHD Warior Jordan Snyder sponsored by DanMark Graphics
#33 Jakob Mazur playing in Memory of CHD Angel Ethan Bilpo

FREMONT PACKERS Line-Up
#3 Tyler Krim playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Taya Delperdang sponsored by vanderzaden Farms
#4 Tyler Krim playing in Honor of CHD Warior Lily Hansen
#10 Ryan Ansorage playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Lindsay Dean
#11 Zach Montoya playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Mason Strickland
#13 Tyler Silvernail playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Westen Bouwkamp Sponsored by All About You Salon
#22 Cody McCombs playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Peighton Bonk Sponsored by Cronk's Oakridge Restaurant
#23 Robbie McPherson playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD WariorEmillo Ruellas Sponsored by Steve & Deanna Traxler and Family
#24 Josh Nelson playing in Memory of CHD Angel Faith Goodfellow
#33 Mike Seigel playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Krysten Amador Sponsored by Newaygo Printing & Copy Center LLC
#34 Chase Curtis playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Ethan Sidlauskas Sponsored by Wisner Rents Canoes
#55 Lucas McKain playing in Honor of playing in Honor of CHD Warior Hailie Miller Sponsored by A-Waste

All the players from Fremont & Newaygo, all the families that were there, the sponsors, and the EHSB Board

Krysten Amador and her player Mike Siegel #33 Fremont

Sponsor Ken Page with #25 Christian Croster of Newaygo playing in honor of CHD Warrior Derrick Carter

Zenn Timmer #1 playing for the 2nd year in honor of CHD Warrior Brycen Halas with Brycen and his family

The Newaygo Boys! Love these guys!

My back and Conor Bradley's back

The backs of Jakob, Tyler, and Zenn

Christian's back

Heart families at halftime center court

Krysten Amador's family, sponsor and player

The Bonk family with their warrior Peighton and their player #22 Cody McCombs of Fremont sponsored by Cronk's Oakridge of Newaygo

This was so funny when we took the picture of the boys from the front our photographer said Turn around and all the boys laughed.

Steve Lissee #5 from Newaygo with his Heart Warrior Sofi Lapres and her mom this was his second year playing in honor of Sofi

Heart transplant patients Brittney and Sofi

Me with Krysten I love this lil warrior

Conor Bradley #21 with all of Ethin's family that was there, God mother Mandy, God sister Heather, Aunt Krista and cousin Taylor, Mom, His sisters Jessa & Jayde, brother Jonathin, cousin Landon and Aunt Alivia

The boys from Fremont

After the game the Amador's and the autographed ball from the game they won it!

Me with the autographed ball during the meet and greet with all the players from both teams. I am so proud of these boys!

In the last year since the last game I have gotten to know some of the players that played last year. This years game was much more emotional for me, because of this. Zach Franks played for the second year for Tommy Schomaker and I have gotten to know Zach so knowing this was his last year to play was hard. Next year for the game he won't be there. Eric VanDam also was a second year player for Lindsay Groen. For me the boys of the Newaygo Lions Varsity basketball game have so much heart and they are truly hereos to me.

The next part of this is about the game and the player that played for Ethin. Ethin was represented by #21 and the jersey was wore by sophmore Conor Bradley. There was no rhyme or reason to choosing Conor to play in memory of Ethin except the fact that he was a sophmore and I thought it would be really neat to have the same young man play for Ethin a few years in a row. Conor and I met a month ago briefly when I talked to the whole team. Since that time Conor's twin sister and I have also met and I have met his parents too. Conor gives me a hug when he sees me now like many of the other boys that played last year and this year and he completely embraced the oppurtunity to play for Ethin. He said he was honored to do so. I look forward to sowing him support in his varsity endeavors. He is an amazing young man. Thank You Conor!! It was honor to watch you play so hard for Ethin!!

Conor was great with my kiddos and he held Jayde for this picture! Thank you!!

What a full update!!! Love you all and have missed you all so much!!

Happy 2nd Birthday Ethin

2011-01-09T15:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Ethin,
Two years ago today you came crashing into this world with half a heart. Two years ago today you began to change the world and the lives of those around you and of those that read about you. Your Heart made such a difference to this world. Though the length of your life was not as long as I wish it would have been your legacy and the gifts you left behind are life long. You are amazing and I am so proud to be your mommy. I thank God every day for choosing me to be your mother what a gift He gave to me in you.
Son I often wonder what life would be like if you were here, and the reality of not being able to know those answers hurts. Then I see the difference you have made and I am given a sense of peace and comfort. You may not physically be here, but you really are here and alive in so many. You live completely in my heart....You are the difference in my life.
Many came to the ball last night and I have no doubt that you were looking down on us and smiling and laughing with us. So many people came to be a part of your legacy and to remember you and support what we do because you ever existed. I can not believe you are two today it seems like yesterday that I first heard you cry....I love you with all my heart and I am proud of you always know that! Happy Birthday from Earth to Heaven, Mommy

Last night we had our second annual Ethin's Heart Still Beats Heart Ball.....Huge Success will do a whole post about soon there is other news I need to get out there

I need recipies for the cook book EHSB is making with Hope for Brave hearts you can email them to us at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com We Have to have them by January 25th. Please email me a recipe for this cook book that we are making and will be selling as a fundraiser for EHSB and Hope for Bravehearts.

Ethin's Gifts to the World This Year

2010-12-23T11:53:00.000-08:00

Well it is that time of year I guess where you truly start to evaluate all that has happened in a year. As Christmas approaches I know that there is so much to look forward to, yet I can not help but think of the one thing I want and can not have.
So I rarely write about how I am feeling and what I have been going through with my grief as I thought maybe I needed to just start dealing with it on my own. However with Christmas right around the corner all I am thinking about is Ethin and the J Triplets. Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde will be with me starting Christmas Eve at 9pm until Christmas Day sometimes and I am so excited to have them there, but knowing that not all my children will be there makes it very hard. So again I am in this state where I feel so full yet so very empty inside.
My kids and I will watch The Polar Express on Christmas Eve and then when they go to bed I will sneek their gifts under the tree! I can not wait to see their faces light up on Christmas morning. I just hope that I can feel Ethin with us that day. Such an awkawrd feeling to have full and empty, happy and sad, excitement and disappointment.....Just polar opposites all the time.....Ugh!
Sometimes as this life continues to unfold in front of me I think that I am doing something terribly wrong by smiling and truly looking forward to the rest of my life. Then there are times where I crawl into a hopeless despair and I think I can not go on, and then there are times I plaster all the fake smiles and the saying I am good just slips out of my mouth like it is a programmed thing. The balance is hardly balanced or fair at all!
I guess I have a few more things to say and this may be my last post until after Christmas.....I need recipes for the recipe book we are making with Hope for BraveHEARTS. So get us your recipes!!! Please include your name, city & State and IF you have a heart child their name and defect but if you do not still send us your recipe and name and state to chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Dear Ethin,
You have been gone for 1 year, 5 months, 3 weeks, 5 days, 4 hours and 25 minutes as I type this you. You are still at the fore front of thought in everything that I do. Last Christmas one thing I did as a way to remind myself of all that you have gifted to this world was write down the things that have happened last year because you were a part of this world. So this year I am going to do the same thing....Here it goes.
There have been over 250 blankets collected
The 1st Annual EHSB Heart Ball took place and we raised $1836
On July 1st of this year Ethin's Heart Still Beats was corporated in the state of MI as a non-profit Organization
July 17th we held the 1st Annual EHSB Family Fun Day and raised just over $300
In February Newaygo High School hosted the 1st Annual Newaygo Lions Have Heart Basketball game and we raised $500
In January the city of Newaygo and the county of Newaygo Proclomated and Resolved February 7-14th as CHD Awareness Week
You see son you are still very alive in so many people and I am so proud of what you still accomplish! You are an amazing child. If ever a life could touch the hearts of others it is truly yours that does this. You have not been forgotten by anyone. Merry Christmas my sweet Angel Punk, I love you Always, Mommy

17 months after

2010-11-27T16:53:00.000-08:00

I guess that a post is long coming from me. Sorry it has been so long. The hustle and bustle of every day life really has been just never ending. As far as every day life goes I guess you could say it is what it is. The J Triplets are getting big and doing well in school.
Jonathin turned 8 last month and Jessa will be 9 on Monday. Before the year is up Jayde will also have her birthday and she will be 7. I am working two jobs and running Ethin's Heart Still Beats. I am playing basketball and spending as much time as possible with the kiddos. Yes I am playing basketball for the first time since high school on an organized team. This really may not be the best idea I have ever had as at the very first practice I broke my finger. LOL I only laugh because I should have learned through softball that I am pry not as viable as I used to be. Softball season ended with countless bruises, a sprained ankle, and being knocked out once. I am die hard though and none of that held me back from still playing!
I have some very exciting news and need your help!!!! Ethin's Heart Still Beats is collaborating with Hope for BraveHearts and we are making a cook book to hopefully have printed and ready to sell in February for CHD Awareness Week 2011!!! So what I need is for you to submit me recipies that we can put in this cook book!!! If you know the caloric intake per serving that would be great, but if not that's OK we have a way to figure it out. If you have any good fat free recipies please send those as we are putting together a fat-free section for those that need a fat free diet. So please email them to me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com include your name, city and state and if you are a heart mom please include your heart child's name and defect. We want recipes from everyone though. Looking forward to receiving your recipies. Oh and here is a sneek peek at one of the cover possibilities for the cook book!!! Shannon has not even seen this yet!

Alright I really got on here tonight though, because I need to share some things. Thanksgiving was two days ago. It was not an easy day, but it was far better than last year. I started out by eating dinner with a special someone and his family. I was responsible for sweet potatoes and a cheese cake. Let me just say that I scored big with both!!!! LOL Then after that I went and picked up my kids from their dad and we as a family went and had dinner with the Miller's. They are a heart family that lives close to us and that we have grown very close to. It was an amazing day really to be with so many people that I love.
Even though it was all that there was still a big part missing. It is always a hard concept for me to fully grasp that at times I feel so full yet so empty. I did however on Thanksgiving take some time in the morning to reflect on the things I was thankful for and here is what I came up with:

My children all 4 of them

God

My job and the people I work with

Ethin's Heart Still Beats and the amazing board I have

Alright not only was Thanksgiving just a few days ago, but today marks 17 months since my son was alive. I truly can not believe it has been that long.So many times I wish I could have it all back and things could be what they were and what they were supposed to be. That things could be the way I dreamed they would be when I had Ethin. Instead they are the way God planned them to be and yes I am doing better with this, but I still have moments and lately I have been having many of those moments. Those moments where the reality is so real that it is painful and almost as though maybe this is still a very bad dream.

Yes the pain lately especially at night is so overwhelming that I really at times think that maybe this is not really happening. That just maybe the last 17 months has been a terrible nightmare and I will wake up any second and have Ethin in my arms. That I will go into bedrooms and tuck in all four of my children. In these moments I normally cry myself to sleep and I of course wake up in the morning to reality and the vicious circle starts again.

So 17 months later I can honestly tell you all that it does not get better or easier it just keeps getting different. The different is becoming more manageable and it is becoming my new normal. It is the new normal I am still learning to live with. Life after the loss of my son is still and I am sure will always be a process I will go through.

17 months after I said my last goodbyes to my son God is still showing me His purpose and His Hopes for me. I am truly blessed. Ethin still is very alive in so many people and though it is not always easy for me I am comforted by the fact that I know this is not forever. This is temporary. God through Ethin has opened my life to a life that I never would have had without him. As awkward as it is I am thankful for the life I have. I am truly blessed. 17 months after Ethin left this world I am truly thankful for so many things in my life.

I have to go to work now.....I will write another update soon.....Please take the time to be thankful for the little things in life!

Blessings,

Jessica

So Much Going On!!!

2010-10-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

For the Heart Ball this year we are creating a video with kids with CHD's and their families doing things that make a difference...Maybe it's a heart walk, an organization that you founded, or maybe it's going to the hospitals and giving things to patients and families to make their lives a little easier...What ever it is we want you to send us an email and pictures of you and your child and family making a difference! Email them to EHSB at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Also my work Wendy's of Newaygo is a donation site for Cuddles From the Heart!!!! How amazing to know that my bosses and coworkers believe in what we do!!! So stop by and see me at work and bring in your blanket!!! Also now you can drop off blankets at Bills Shop -N- Save or True Value Hardware in Fremont!! And also Wendy's restaurant's of Muskegon Henry, Sherman, Apple, and Grand Haven!
Cuddles From the Heart MI is starting to collect blankets for newborn through teenagers! We give out the blankets in December and we would like to have 500 by then. We are a bit slow in starting to ask for them as last year we began asking for them at the end of July and it is now mid August.

Cuddles From the Heart (CFH) started two years ago in Iowa by heart mom Stefanie Jacks. Last year she opened it up for any state to do. In June I told her I would like to do it for MI and after Ethin passed away later that month I still said that I wanted to do it! I am so glad that I did! It was rewarding and amazing to see how much people truly care about others! So here we are this year hoping to do the same thing. Our goal last year was 500 and we did just over that. Same goal this year 500!!! We can do this!!

What we need is new homemade or store bought blankets ranging from newborn to teenagers for boys and girls to give out at U of M Mott Children’s Hospital in December. The blankets are a very comforting thing to many families while they are in there and sometimes just one blanket can make the hospital feel a little less like the hospital. Ethin’s Heart Still Beats board members are all ready to go to Ann Arbor in December and as a board we decided that we want to do this so you can mail your blankets to
E.H.S.B
9172 S. Croswell Ave.
Newaygo, MI 49337
If you have any questions you can email me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Also I am in need of your favorite recipes!!! We are teaming up with another non-profit organization called Hope For Bravehearts to create a world-wide From the Heart Cook Book. You can submit up to 2 recipes and we would like if you can to let us now the caloric intake per serving on your recipe. You can email them to us at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com Please include the name of your recipe, your name and where you are from! Books will be published and available for purchase. As that info becomes available I will keep you posted!

So onto the life stuff........WOW I am busy and things are finally slowing down and then they just get busier! Work keeps me occupied, the kids keep me going, and EHSB gives me a reason to know that Ethin is always here!

So soccer season is officially done....Normally something I do not like to see happen, but with the heart ball and everything else right now the break before spring will be nice. It allows me to focus on the big things going on with EHSB.

Here is a sneak peek on our new family photos!!!

We are HUGE Michigan State fans!!! By the way have you seen MSU is ranked #5 right now and we are to this point undefeated! Look out Iowa here we come! (Stef and Jen I love you guys!) But I hope we kick some Hawkeye butt!

So the kids had conferences here last week. Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde are doing GREAT!! Jonathin's conference was the BEST conference ever!!! Jayde is a chatty Kathy and a giggler. Jessa well she is Jessa and really she never disappoints in conferences!

Well Halloween is approaching which means that shortly after that everything I hate about the fact that I lost a child is approaching as well. Is it OK to feel overwhelmed with everthing? I mean is it OK that even though I am busy as all get out that when I slow down just a little bit I feel overwhelmed? I feel like I have avoided so much of this for so long and I am still just not ready to face so much of it. Oh the holidays are coming and there is no stopping it.....

So the big question this year as Thaksgiving is approaching is wether or not I put up a tree this year which I did not do last year. My problem with this dilema is that I still do not have that perfect ornament that is Ethin. There is still a void to me with holidays that he is not a part of it. I pray that God will continue to soften my heart and that perhaps this year will not be as dreadful as last year.

Blessings,

Jessica

Happy Birthday Jonathin!

2010-10-21T14:36:00.000-07:00

Lots going on so read a previous update I will even later write about homecoming with a cool pic, but today it's all about this guy...........

Jonathin is 8 years old today!

Sometimes I have a lot to say

2010-10-08T01:38:00.000-07:00

Also my work Wendy's of Newaygo is a donation site for Cuddles From the Heart!!!! How amazing to know that my bosses and coworkers believe in what we do!!! So stop by and see me at work and bring in your blanket!!! Also now you can drop off blankets at Bills Shop -N- Save in Fremont!!
Cuddles From the Heart MI is starting to collect blankets for newborn through teenagers! We give out the blankets in December and we would like to have 500 by then. We are a bit slow in starting to ask for them as last year we began asking for them at the end of July and it is now mid August.

Cuddles From the Heart (CFH) started two years ago in Iowa by heart mom Stefanie Jacks. Last year she opened it up for any state to do. In June I told her I would like to do it for MI and after Ethin passed away later that month I still said that I wanted to do it! I am so glad that I did! It was rewarding and amazing to see how much people truly care about others! So here we are this year hoping to do the same thing. Our goal last year was 500 and we did just over that. Same goal this year 500!!! We can do this!!

What we need is new homemade or store bought blankets ranging from newborn to teenagers for boys and girls to give out at U of M Mott Children’s Hospital in December. The blankets are a very comforting thing to many families while they are in there and sometimes just one blanket can make the hospital feel a little less like the hospital. Ethin’s Heart Still Beats board members are all ready to go to Ann Arbor in December and as a board we decided that we want to do this so you can mail your blankets to
E.H.S.B
9172 S. Croswell Ave.
Newaygo, MI 49337
If you have any questions you can email me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

This week has been long and strenuous for lots of reasons. I mean my life truly is still jam packed and full of everything, but the inner need I have to grieve. Trying to find the healthy balance of grieving and still living is one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn to do. Ya know I am not sure I am learning to do it I would say I am just doing it.

Soccer season is about half over now and it has been wonderful being able to coach both Jessa and Jayde. However coaching two teams has been way harder than coaching just one. Not to mention Jonathin is always at the fields and he in himself is a handful. He really is my child let there be no doubt! Not to mention in my small town like most small towns fall is here which also means football has started and it IS a big deal. So Friday nights there is football!!! I love fall! Tomorrow is Homecoming and I am excited to take my kids there for the game this was us in October 2008 at homecoming (I was pregnant for Ethin)....

Yes we went all out... Football is a BIG deal here....

Last year I did not go to homecoming and so this year I am going with the kids and we will have fun we WILL e normal again, We WILL live, but we do still grieve and just because we can learn to do this again does not mean we have forgotten...In my heart I so wish I was dressing Ethin in all black white to go to the Homecoming festivities here. The reality is I will never do this and it is why I did not go to the game last year, but for the J Triplets I need to move on I have to live again for them and with them.

Looking at these pictures is an odd memory for me as I remember very well the excitement of not just the game, but the fact that our family was going to go from four to five. Jayde was excited about becoming a big sister and Jonathin was stoked that I was going to have a boy and he was going to have a baby brother, Jessa was so ready to be the big sister again and she talked about how she wanted to help so much. As of this time of this homecoming game I still had not told them how special their brothers heart was. They had no idea. Maybe I could have prepared them better, but I did not and now Ethin is very much a memory to them. The truth is maybe I should have prepared myself a little more. Ethin is so much more than just a memory to me he is a part of me that is gone. He is a part of me that I am missing and I can not get back. I am not ready to grieve and I am not ready to let go. That right there is the key answer to my problem....I am not ready to let go and grieve I fear that if I fully grieve Ethin I will let him go and he will become just a memory to me...

Another thing this week that has been hard is that the CHD community has lost 9 CHD'ers. 1 is to many but 9 in one week!!! And who knows how many more....Also today there is a family that I have gotten to know through the CHD community that there son today would have been one....Aiden Matthew Beers was born a year ago today and his parents like me last January do not get to watch him eat his first birthday cake. It just is not fair!!! It is not fair that there are other parents who know how I feel, It is not fair that I know what other parents are going through, it is not fair that CHD's claim so many lives! IT IS NOT FAIR and it makes me mad and angry and it makes me cry. It saddens my heart!
I may be all over the place and for that I am sorry....But back to football....I am a HUGE Michigan State fan. This Saturday is the big game for MSU and U of M football fans. So I will be watching football on Saturday too. And Stef when you read this I just want you to know that we are going to win against Iowa this year too!! LOL GO STATE all the way!

Blessings,

Jessica

The Tree

Mommy I want to share some things with you so you know I am just fine

Jesus sat with me in his garden and we talked about how it is OK to sometimes send you a sign

We talked about how happy he is when I show other kids where to play

And He told me how proud He is that I never forget to pray

Jesus walked me to a special place in His garden and showed me a beautiful tree

Mommy He said that tree grows with the love you hold for me

I think it may be the biggest tree in the garden and some branches are extra long

When I asked God about those branches He said those ones are when you have been extra strong

There are some knots in the tree and my wondering mind just had to ask I wanted to know

Jesus said that sometimes your life has been rough but you always turn to Him and from that you grow

While I stood there and examined the tree Jesus said it was time to help you truly heal

He said we'd carve a heart and it would imprint yours but He promised no pain from this carving you'd feel

Jesus pulled me on his lap and tickled my belly and asked if I wanted to help you feel better

Then he sat me down and told me to go ahead and write you this letter

So here I am mommy I want you to know I am OK and I am learning things you wanted me to

I am proud of you mommy and just keep looking for my signs I send, remember that I love you!

Jessica Twigg October 8, 2010

This is one of my favorite pictures of Ethin and I

No title today

2010-09-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

2nd Annual Ethin’s Heart Still Beats Heart Ball
Saturday January 8, 2011
VFW Hall
9075 Mason Dr
Newaygo, MI 49337

Doors will open at 5pm
A welcome will happen at 5:30pm
Dinner immediately following the welcome 6pm-7pm eat dinner
7pm Auction
745pm introduction of a speaker
8pm Guest Speaker

Tickets are $30 for one or $50 for two. Tickets include a four course dinner, open bar, auction bidding paddle, and your night of knowing that Ethin’s Heart Still Beats…..”It Beats in us”

A list of Auction items and a full program will be up as we continue to fill in the details for the ball as well as an announcement of the theme for the night. Last year was "HOPE" this year is still available for ideas. If you have any submit them here.
If you have any questions or would like to make arrangements for reserving tickets please email Jessica Twigg founder of Ethin's Heart Still Beats at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Also my work Wendy's of Newaygo is a donation site for Cuddles From the Heart!!!! How amazing to know that my bosses and coworkers believe in what we do!!! So stop by and see me at work and bring in your blanket!!!
Cuddles From the Heart MI is starting to collect blankets for newborn through teenagers! We give out the blankets in December and we would like to have 500 by then. We are a bit slow in starting to ask for them as last year we began asking for them at the end of July and it is now mid August.

Cuddles From the Heart (CFH) started two years ago in Iowa by heart mom Stefanie Jacks. Last year she opened it up for any state to do. In June I told her I would like to do it for MI and after Ethin passed away later that month I still said that I wanted to do it! I am so glad that I did! It was rewarding and amazing to see how much people truly care about others! So here we are this year hoping to do the same thing. Our goal last year was 500 and we did just over that. Same goal this year 500!!! We can do this!!

What we need is new homemade or store bought blankets ranging from newborn to teenagers for boys and girls to give out at U of M Mott Children’s Hospital in December. The blankets are a very comforting thing to many families while they are in there and sometimes just one blanket can make the hospital feel a little less like the hospital. Ethin’s Heart Still Beats board members are all ready to go to Ann Arbor in December and as a board we decided that we want to do this so you can mail your blankets to
E.H.S.B
9172 S. Croswell Ave.
Newaygo, MI 49337
If you have any questions you can email me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

So in other news......
The girls started soccer last week!! I am coaching Jessa and Jayde's teams this year! What a handful! I have the best teams and kids though. My parents are great to work with and I truly love coaching and both girls are happy I am coaching them. I will get pics up when I get some. Always hard to coach and take pictures though! LOL
Well my echo came back normal!! My tilt table test was negative. I go back to the card in November. Until then no need to worry as that will not change anything so I am just giving it to God and letting him handle it.
Life is so busy here I am currently applying for the local fire dept., working, doing the EHSB stuff, and coaching soccer! God has truly blessed my life and for that I am thankful. However even as busy as I am I have been thinking about Ethin more than usual.
So many things right now remind me of him and how much I miss him. I so badly wish he was here. I keep wondering what life would be like if he were here. And when I am lying in my bed at night I can not help but think that I should have a crib in my room for him. Sometimes it is so hard for me to always see the good. I had a very angry moment last week and it scared me and then I just broke down crying. I apparently am truly starting to grieve for Ethin. A part of me did not want to do this and then there is a part of me that so badly needs to. For the 15 months I have truly avoided it and now I am facing it and I am terrified and I cry again so much.
Blessings,
Jessica

Lots happening!!! Announcing!!!..............

2010-09-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

Heart Mom to Heart Patient

2010-09-09T06:54:00.000-07:00

Something's Missing

2010-08-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

So here we are one summer later all smiling and genuinely enjoying life. On this stump that I am sitting on Jessa looked down and said look a heart. I looked and somehow on that stump it looked like there was a heart. Jessa said Ethin is here mom! I just smiled and told her yes he was.

This was a hand pump there and here is Jayde making it go! To funny not to share....It really took all she had to accomplish this!

As summer winds down and I anticipate the fall weather and activities I also still think about Ethin too. Yesterday was a great day at the lake with the J Triplets. However as much fun as it was and as perfect as it felt there was something missing. There was SOMEONE missing. No matter what things we find that remind us of Ethin he is still physically missing and at times that is hard. It truly has been a delicate dance over the last year to figure this out and I have not figured it all out yet.
I am having a hard time keeping this positive and have seriously written and deleted about 8 paragraphs so I am going to share this poem that I wrote and call it a day.....
Blessings,
Jessica

The Age You Should Be
Today like most days you certainly crossed my grief stricken mind
The world has a way of bringing me down my weakness is not hard to find
Someone will appear with a little boy about the age you should be
And I always wonder what you would be like if you were here with me
I can hear that little boy throwing a fit and his parents getting irritated
How I wish I too had you here to throw a fit and make me frustrated
To hear a little boy about the age you should be cry for his mommy
How I wish that I could hear you say those words and look up at me
I wish I was the parent who was able to bribe you into eating things you do not like
I wish that I was able to help you learn to ride your very first bike
You would be walking by now and how I would love to walk with you and hold your little hand
It’s summer time here and I wish we could go to the beach and we could play in the sand
I try to imagine what you may look like and how big you would be
I wonder if your smile would still be the same and if your eyes would still be bright when you looked up at me
I would love to tuck you into bed and teach you how to pray
You are about that age where you would be learning new words you would have much to say
So many times I see a mom pick her little boy the age you should be up and hold him tight
Sometimes it brings a tear to my eye knowing I can not do that sometimes it is a hard sight
So I am trying when I see a little boy about the age you should be to think of where you are and what you may be doing there
Though it is hard to do and most days I still think that this is unfair
I think that in Heaven you are walking with Jesus holding his strong firm hand
Perhaps you are up there with other little children building castles in the sand
Maybe you are playing hide and seek and running through fields all day
I bet you talk a lot you would get that from me I am sure you have a lot say
On Earth I see things all the time that remind me of you
Does that happen in Heaven do things remind you of me too?
Son this Earth seems cruelly unfair while we seem so very far apart
But I know we are together you are forever in me with memories and living in my heart
One day I know that this too shall pass that we are separated like this
But until the day I come to Heaven I will be here on Earth and you I will miss
I know that there will always be times when I see a little boy about the age that you should be
And while I am here and you are there those times will always be hard for me
I am glad that you know of no sadness there that you never have to cry a single tear
You are perfect with a whole heart you never are lonely and you know nothing about fear
I miss you Ethin and life is nothing like it used to be or the way it would be if we were physically together
But we will be one day in Heaven together and until then we are in my heart forever
Jessica Twigg
8-11-10

Every Heart Has a Story

2010-08-25T12:05:00.000-07:00

Cuddles From the Heart MI is starting to collect blankets for newborn through teenagers! We give out the blankets in December and we would like to have 500 by then. We are a bit slow in starting to ask for them as last year we began asking for them at the end of July and it is now mid August.

Cuddles From the Heart (CFH) started two years ago in Iowa by heart mom Stefanie Jacks. Last year she opened it up for any state to do. In June I told her I would like to do it for MI and after Ethin passed away later that month I still said that I wanted to do it! I am so glad that I did! It was rewarding and amazing to see how much people truly care about others! So here we are this year hoping to do the same thing. Our goal last year was 500 and we did just over that. Same goal this year 500!!! We can do this!!

What we need is new homemade or store bought blankets ranging from newborn to teenagers for boys and girls to give out at U of M Mott Children’s Hospital in December. The blankets are a very comforting thing to many families while they are in there and sometimes just one blanket can make the hospital feel a little less like the hospital. Ethin’s Heart Still Beats board members are all ready to go to Ann Arbor in December and as a board we decided that we want to do this so you can mail your blankets to
E.H.S.B
9172 S. Croswell Ave.
Newaygo, MI 49337
If you have any questions you can email me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Every Heart Has A Story

In may of 2008 my life was busy I had just moved and was adjusting to being a single parent when I found out I was pregnant. My pregnancy started off very rough and I was put on bed rest due to placenta previa. On a visit to the perintologist I was told that my placenta had moved back to a normal position, but they thought there was something wrong with my child’s heart. July 17, 2008 I was given news that no parent wants to hear. My baby a boy my children and I had decided to name Ethin was going to be born with a Congenital Heart Defect (CHD) called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS).

The doctors that day had me decide what I wanted to do and I knew I was going to have my son and give him the best chance at survival I could. This meant delivering my son in Ann Arbor, MI at the University of Michigan Mott Children’s Hospital three hours from my home. I had many appointments with my pregnancy and Ethin was growing well and was truly perfect with a very special heart.

On January 9, 2009 at 4:01pm Ethin entered this world by c-section screaming like a normal baby. I remember just feeling elated I heard him cry, but sad that I did not get to see him. Ethin was whisked off into the neonatal unit to begin his medical testing to see how bad his little heart was. In the meantime I was doing everything I could in the recovery room to just prove I was well enough to be wheeled in to meet my son.

Finally at 8:30pm they wheeled me down to “meet” my son. By the time I was wheeled into the room Ethin already had IV’s started and he was intubated. All the hopes I had of holding my sweet newborn went crashing down right before my eyes. However I got to touch him and look at him and he was PERFECT! He was the most amazingly beautiful little baby boy in that unit.

The next day Ethin was taken up to a Pediatric Cardio Thoracic ICU (PCTU) or Pod A. For the next five days I did nothing more than sit by his incubator and kiss his head, pray, hold his hand, and read to him. I longed to hold him and finally when he was six days old at 6am a team of four people picked up my son and placed him into my arms. He fit there perfectly like a puzzle piece that I had been missing for six days. This sadly was also the morning they would take my son out of my arms and wheel him into a surgery room for his first open heart surgery called the Norwood.

I spent that whole day in a waiting room just waiting for them to come up and tell me how we was doing. Finally they came up for the last time and it was his surgeon she let me know he was in critical condition but that I could go back and see him in an hour. I went back and seen him and he looked really bad. He was very swollen and his chest was left open. The next two weeks were slow moving, but finally he was out of PCTU and I was able to feed him, dress him, change him, bathe him, I was really his mommy.

When Ethin was 3 ½ weeks old we finally went home. His sisters were very tentative and his brother just liked knowing he had a baby brother. Sadly home was a short lived thought when on our sixth day home Ethin became very ill and we found ourselves at a local ER awaiting a critical transport back to U of M. Once back at U of M Ethin began to decline and needed to be intubated again if he as to live as he could not breathe on his own. Somehow Ethin had caught a respiratory virus and after just 2 ½ weeks in the hospital we were home again.

Home this time was an adjustment. He had so many medicines for his heart and doctors every week. It was busy but I had my other children who loved being able to be a part of his care and looked forward to feeding him and cuddling with him too. After 3 ½ weeks home though Ethin again became very ill and was again taken back to U of M. Once there it was determined that Ethin had caught rotavirus. Ethin’s special heart made it very hard for him to fight off any sickness. U of M also decided at this time that he would need his second surgery the Hemi-Fontan.

April 1, 2009 was the morning of his surgery. I held him all night the night before and I prayed with him and I told him how he had to fight and that I needed him. At around 11am on the 1st they let me sit in a wheel chair holding him to go down to the surgical holding area. By 11:30 a nurse came in and told me it was time and she put out her arms and very reluctantly I handed over my son. At 7:30 they finally came and got me to go back and see him in the PCTU.

Ethin was not doing well and the look on the doctors faces and his nurse’s face were clear evidence that my son was very sick and extremely critical. I was told to call anyone that I might want to be there, because they did not know if he would make it. My pastor came down and on April 2, 2009 I had him baptize Ethin. On April 7, 2009 I was called by the hospital and asked to get there as soon as possible. I was a block away and was there in his room within 7 minutes.

His nurse told me he was not doing good and his doctor came in and said set him up for surgery. As I sat there with Ethin I began to pray and cry. It was at that moment that I started demanding Ethin to fight that I needed him with me and that he made it this far that he needed to fight harder. I remember very vividly telling him, “I love you and you are a part of me which means you have a lot of fight in you and now I need you to fight, because I can not live without you.” those words have haunted me ever since.

Within twenty minutes a surgical nurse came to me and said they were ready for him downstairs. I walked next to his bed and when the elevator opened his doctor came out squeezed my shoulder and I entered the elevator with my son. We rode down and at the bottom they said that was as far as I could go. I cried so hard I thought I was going to pass out as I watched them wheel him down the hall and through doors and I stood there until I could no longer see him.

I waited in the waiting room on the 5th floor for them to tell me he was done and hours later they did. I went back to see Ethin and I was so thankful he was alive. The next few days were slow going. Finally they said they were going to extubate him. They did and Ethin was placed in my arms. I was so happy. I left the hospital and went to get some sleep and about an hour later the hospital called me and told me they had to reintubate Ethin. That his lung collapsed. I went to the hospital I was so furious that it felt like every time we went forward we also went back. Ethin had his fourth surgery to plicate his diaphragm on April 9, 2009. From there everything was forward and back with intubations and extubations, but finally Ethin did it he was beating his CHD and was moved to moderate care and eventually to the general care floor in June of 2009.

June turned out to be a long month with weaning him off certain meds for pain and comfort. He also had to be relearn how to eat from a bottle and was in physical therapy for his fine and gross motor skills as he had been on his back and in a laying position for so long. Ethin did well with it all and was soon eating from a bottle and had just started learning how to sit up.

Back home our church had set up a benefit for our family and that was going to happen on June 27th. Knowing I would go home for that benefit I began to set up things with the hospital so that while I would be home I would feel more at ease with leaving Ethin for three days which would be the longest I had ever left him. On June 25th I made the three hour drive home. June 26th I went and picked up my other three children for the benefit the next morning.

On Saturday June 27th I woke up with an awful feeling and called the hospital at 6:30 in the morning. They said Ethin had been running low grade fevers, he was still teething, and they planned to start an IV on him. I said OK and told them I would call a little later to check on him. At 7am my children and I arrived at the benefit and I still could not shake the awful feeling I had so I called the hospital again. They said nothing had changed. I let them know I would call around 10am and that I would be on my way back to the hospital around noon and planned to arrive there close to three.

At 9am my phone rang and it was the hospital. I will never for as long as I live forget this call. His nurse said, “Jessica, Ethin has coded.” I could barely breathe and I knew that it was all done. I knew that I would never see him alive ever again. I stumbled to the doors at the benefit calling for his pediatrician who was there the whole way. Once I hit the outside I collapsed screaming and trying to breathe. I tried to tell the doctors to put him on life support and keep him alive till I got there.

I was immediately put in a vehicle and driven towards Ann Arbor to try and get back in time even though I knew it would not matter. At 9:45 my phone rang as I was in route to the hospital and it was his doctor our favorite doctor and his words will also always stay etched in my mind, “Jessica we have done everything we can. We echoed his heart and did an ultrasound on his brain. Jessica I am so sorry, but we have to call the code he’s gone.” I just cried and collapsed there on the side of the road.

The rest of the trip to Ann Arbor I called friends, family, and everyone that I knew would need to know. I arrived at the hospital at noon. I ran from the elevator to the room where I knew he would be. When I opened the door I just collapsed at the sight of my son as he looked nothing like the smiling boy I had left two days earlier. He was intubated and had IV’s that I demanded be taken out. Once they were taken out I gave him a bath, dressed him and carried him back to that room. Once in that room the emotions flooded every sense of my being. I held him, I told him how sorry I was, I kissed him, and eventually I even fell asleep with him. I took him outside to the let the sun light shine on his face. He truly was an angel.

People started to arrive at the hospital and everyone wanted to know what they could do. Some people stayed outside the room some came in, Some helped pack all the things that were at the hospital and others packed what was at the Ronald McDonald house. My pastors had made contact with a funeral home back home. And a good friend offered to take me home for the night as I knew I did not want to spend another minute in Ann Arbor at that time. At 6:30pm I finally made the walk with Ethin in my arms to his hospital bed where I laid him down one last time and my friends pried me from him as I knew I had to say goodbye.

I do not recall the ride home that night, but I do remember feeling like a part of me also died. I held his things in my arms and through the night my friend would come in and wake me up asking me to drink water and then I went right back to sleep. Sunday June 28th I woke up and was driven to the funeral home to make arrangements. Once that was done I went right back to bed and to be honest I do not remember making many arrangements. Monday June 29th I bought a cemetery plot. Tuesday I spent with my other children and Wednesday July 1st I dressed my other children and we made our way to the church for the viewing.

Once at the church I felt as though I could not move. I did not want to go in that building and see what was going to be before me. My kids and I walked in and we had a very private service for my children one that was for them to understand what happened and for them to feel free to ask questions and get answers that they needed. That evening was very long and I did finally break down near the end when I knew I had to leave him again.

I stayed with friends that night and slept very little. Every time I fell asleep I would see Ethin healthy and then in that casket. It was a nightmare. Thursday July 2nd I woke up and got ready for the funeral. I went and got my children ready for the funeral and I arrived with enough time to be there as others arrived at the church. My best friend finally showed up and he walked with my kids and I into our seats. I am not sure that I recall the funeral at all. I mean I know things that were supposed to happen and I know they happened, but some things are very blurry.

At the end of the service my children and I followed the pall bearers out and watched them close the doors to the van his casket was put in. I was helped into my best friends vehicle and we followed all the way to the cemetery. Once there it was short and sweet I do remember asking everyone to meet me back at the church, but I needed a few moments to myself. I got on my knees and just threw my body over that casket. Finally I was helped up and I watched them lower him into the ground.

The rest of that day is a bit blurry I know I ended up in the ER from exhaustion. The days that followed July 2nd I can not even remember. And the year that followed was full of many painful memories and thoughts. That first year of firsts never failed me as hideous reminders that my son was gone. And when June 27, 2010 came it was as though I just assumed that all the hurt would go away too. All that changed that day was that every first day of the first year without my son had inevitably happened.

It’s August 18, 2010 as I write this now. I am not like I used to be, but I am learning to live in this life as a mother who lost one of her children. I went back to work in April and found a second job in May. I started doing more normal things this summer as I play on summer softball leagues. I recently moved back into my own place and I even have started to truly live again. My smiling now is more genuine and I find that even though I have bad days I also have good days. I also founded and now run a non-profit organization in memory of Ethin. It is a hard balance from time to time to know how much to hang onto and how much is OK to let go. I was once told that it was a fine art and I am sure I have not mastered the art of grieving, but I have mastered the art of avoidance.

I am by no means the authority of grief, but I am the authority of my grief. So when I have a bad day I know that it’s OK and I also know that I am on no timeline as to when I can no longer grieve for Ethin. The truth is I will always grieve for Ethin, but my grief has and will continue to change. Losing my son has changed every part of me and everyone knows that I am different now. I have come to appreciate this life so much more and have truly taken time to be thankful to God for every blessing in my life. I have no doubt that the only reason I am able to write this now is that God brought me to it and he has brought me so far from where I was.

Losing a child has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I always wonder what he would look like and what he would be like. I am very blessed with my other children and as the three of them and I have learned how to go on after such a loss it has brought us closer to each other and to God. My children and I have faith and we know where Ethin is and even though he is not physically with us we are assured every day that one day we will all be together in Heaven forever.

I originally wrote this for Faces of Hope as a way to help other parents who lost their children, but when Stef let me know about her Every Heart Has a Story blog event I thought I would use it for this. Our story has been a roller coaster and though it did not end the way I wanted it to; it truly is a story from my heart about my son who truly still amazes me to this day. His heart led me to so many other amazing hearts and friends and family. I wish that my story did not have an ending and in the physical sense it does, but in every other sense it does not. Ethin's Heart Still Beats and this is evident in my every day life. Please know that I was skeptical about posting our story, but I was urged to and so here it is......In it's entirity I suppose I could share the information that I am now the heart patient in this family so even my heart has a story that is unraveling before my eyes......

Jessica mommy to:
Ethin RaiLuc
Birthdate: January 9, 2009
Angel Date: June 27, 2009
Newaygo, Michigan
http://ethinsheartbeats.blogspot.com/
chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

CUDDLES FROM THE HEART!!!

2010-08-21T17:07:00.001-07:00

Funny how life certainly seems to slip by and time is never on my side! I have needed and wanted to blog now for weeks, but there has been so much going on! I will start with something I should have blogged about last month, but I totally forgot and so mow here it starts.

Cuddles From the Heart MI is starting to collect blankets for newborn through teenagers! We give out the blankets in December and we would like to have 500 by then. We are a bit slow in starting to ask for them as last year we began asking for them at the end of July and it is now mid August.

Cuddles From the Heart (CFH) started two years ago in Iowa by heart mom Stefanie Jacks. Last year she opened it up for any state to do. In June I told her I would like to do it for MI and after Ethin passed away later that month I still said that I wanted to do it! I am so glad that I did! It was rewarding and amazing to see how much people truly care about others! So here we are this year hoping to do the same thing. Our goal last year was 500 and we did just over that. Same goal this year 500!!! We can do this!!

What we need is new homemade or store bought blankets ranging from newborn to teenagers for boys and girls to give out at U of M Mott Children’s Hospital in December. The blankets are a very comforting thing to many families while they are in there and sometimes just one blanket can make the hospital feel a little less like the hospital. Ethin’s Heart Still Beats board members are all ready to go to Ann Arbor in December and as a board we decided that we want to do this so you can mail your blankets to
E.H.S.B
9172 S. Croswell Ave.
Newaygo, MI 49337
If you have any questions you can email me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com

Alright now onto the life stuff……Wow I still can not believe that I am where I am when I look back to where I was! So much has happened and so much has gone on that I am not even sure where to start to catch you all up. I really do need to get better at blogging again I do miss it a great deal.

So very much has been going on it is all a bit overwhelming to me. I suppose lets go with the good news…..We raised a couple hundred dollars at the EHSB family Fun Day. We are now planning the Heart ball which is set to take place on January 8, 2010!!! As an organization we are learning as we go, but so far it has been smooth sailing.

In other news I am still working two jobs and I absolutely love both of them. FYI fast food is not as easy as one would think! And working at the Pub well that is easy, but I am very thankful that it is just one day a week. Not sure I could handle working in a bar more than one night a week. I also finally moved back into my very own place. I am the proud renter of a one bedroom, kitchen, 2 bathroom, and a living room apartment!!! Yep I am living alone again!!! What a great step forward in this thing called life!

I am still playing softball and I have all the scars, scabs, and bruises to prove that I am a die hard player! LOL I have turned into quite the 1st basemen! I am enjoying playing it keeps my mind busy and off other things. My dad plays on my team which is great to know that once a week I get to see him and my best friend also plays on my team and I see him a lot, but it is fun to play ball with him as well.

I also started a new hobby. I like to go Geocaching. I am maybe addicted to it as I have only been doing it for a week and I can not get enough it! I have found 11 caches in 1 week and have retrieved 4 travel bugs and a geocoin! I have also left 9 of the Remember Ethin bracelets in caches. I will be setting out my own cache here in the next couple of weeks. I am excited as one is being put out in memory of Ethin and the rest will be for CHD Awareness!!!

I guess I should start being a little more honest and say that the last few weeks have been very tough and a lot has come up in three weeks that is hard for me to deal with at the age of 27. I have been diagnosed as hypoglycemic and if I start eating right now than I might not ever get diabetes, but if I do not than I can expect to see my life go that way. Also I just got done wearing a cardiac event monitor for 2 weeks. I go to see a cardiologist the first week of September. They are talking about doing a heart procedure called an oblation through a heart cath. Wow I guess I just never thought that I would go from being heart mom to angel mom to Heart patient!

So that is all a bit overwhelming, but all very curable. Or in the heart issue is very correctable! Still though a lot to take in for me.

So my grief……Well I think grief is like a volcano just waiting for an eruption until the big eruption it just oozes out a little lava here and there. I would be completely lying if I said that I was fine and life was normal, but I would also be lying if I said that life is crappy all the time.

The truth is life is crappy, but not all the time….And the truth is life is not fine and it is not normal like it used to be but it is fine and normal in a new sense. I miss Ethin a lot and now that I am back to living in my own place by myself it hits me a lot more than it did when I was living with other people. Somehow I think just knowing that I was not alone made a difference where now I am alone and I know it. It gives me to much time to think by myself.

I still struggle every day with this dance I do with my grief. I am not sure if it is so much that I am dancing with it or seriously trying to dance around it and truly just try to be normal like I used to be and like everyone expects me to be. The truth is also there is just not time to not try and be what I am expected to be. And honestly sometimes I wish I could crawl in a hole and just stay there forever without anyone. I at times wish I would not have gone back to work as it is really hard to work when I am having a bad day or an off day with my grief, but I know in order to be normal I need to do these things. Besides I really do like my job and the people I work with.
I am going to try and start blogging a little more and promise to have another blog post this week!!! I miss you all and your encouragement, blessings, Jessica

EHSB, Tigers, Heart Family, and an Effort!

2010-07-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

Wow it has been just shy of a month since I actually wrote anything on here. It is not that I have not wanted to, but I have been busy and honestly afraid to face my blog. I will start with all the happenings and then tell you how I am doing and feeling.....

Well the fourth of July is my favorite holiday and it was a reminder that I do not ever get to share my favorite holiday with Ethin. However I did have a good weekend. I was able to go watch fireworks from a boat on Saturday the 3rd and then to Croton with my best friend on the 4th. Here is a pic from the 4th....

So I have been working I seriously have an awesome job and I work with great people. With all that being said my free time is a bit more limited than it used to be. I am very settled into the house now and my room mate even planted a tree in our front yard in memory of Ethin.

Last Saturday we had an event for the non profit organization I started in memory of Ethin. Yes that's right you read that right we are officially a non-profit organization!!! Ethin's Heart Still Beats is in full swing!!! We had a softball tourney here are pics from that

Me up to bat

And me sliding...OUCH!!!

Overall the day was great and I could not have asked for a better day to remeber Ethin and have fun doing so!!

Sunday I went golfing for the first time ever in my life...Played the front 9 holes and scored a 76....I actually enjoyed it a lot and I can not wait to go again!! However I do hope my game will improve!

Then this past Monday I went to watch a Tigers game but on the way down made a pit stop at Mott to drop off some checks and see a heart friend that was in the hospital.

Me giving checks to Dr. Russell at U of M Mott Heart Center

Visiting with Brittney Butcher Love this girl!!! She is out of the hospital BTW

Also thought since I was in Ann Arbor I would go over to the Ronald McDonald HOuse and check out the leaf on the wall that was put in memory of Ethin

I think it turned out nice thank you to all who helped make this possible!

From there it was off to surprise Tommy!!! Look out Comerica park here we come!!! Tommy was shocked to see me and I think he was happy to see me as well what do you think?

Yeppers I love this kid!!! He is post transplant times one year and doing great!

He also has the hook up and got my hat signed again!

Tommy with Brandon Inge

There was another one of my heart buddies there too!

This is Christian he has HLHS

Also where there are heart kids there are also some of my favorite Heart moms!!!

Every time the four of us get together we get a pic taken!!! This is by far my favorite picture we have done! In the back there is me and Colleen mommy to Tommy and in the front there is Karen mommy to Christian and Sandy mommy to Heart Angel Ethan . I love these gals!

This game was very long and Tommy and I were pretty cool looking so people snapped pics!!

We totally were rocking out the game!!

Also some people we knew from the hospital showed up!

This is Bethanie a nurse that took care of Ethin on 5 East and Regina his pharmacist! So good to see them

Then the Tigers game went into 14 innings so we of course had to Rally cap!!!

I seriously had a great night and can not wait for August when I hope to see some of these same people at the stadium again!!!

So that leads me to reality....I seriously thought and had it stuck in my head that after it had been a year that I would feel a ton better and maybe not so miserable. I have not wrote, becasue here it is>>>>>>>>>>I still feel like crap a lot of the time. I mean I am happier and living again, but I still harbor so many of my feelings inside! I still have guilt and all the things that come with the fact that my son is gone. I miss him just as much today as I did when it happened. OK I can not really even elaborate on it right now I am crying and just need a nap. I encourage you to watch the video in my previous post....

Love to you all Jessica

Wordless Wednesday "He's My Son"

2010-07-14T00:24:00.001-07:00

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

365 Days Later

2010-06-27T22:27:00.000-07:00

The first year is over...The first year of every first day without my son is finally over. A part of me feels beaten down and another part relieved. I feel beated down in the fact that a seriously have went 365 days without my son and relieved that I survived 365 days without my son. Blogging may now get back to a normal flow as I really have just not been in the mood to share how I was feeling or what I was going through as today was fast approaching on me and inevidably it was going to happen.
So let me say I really never thought I would survive this first year. However not only did I survive it, but I think I might have even started to live again. For most of the first year I am sure I merely existed in a world that just never stopped and I did everything I could to just try to keep my feet on the floor. I at times felt like my feet were slipping out from under me. I was at times hard to get through to and I had many sleepless nights and to many tears to count.
I was very unsure when this started a year ago if I would be here a year later. I had many weak moments and many times thought about disappearing to the blog and CHD world. However I opened my life to so many of you and truly felt it was the right thing to do to allow you to follow if you so decided. Also some where through this I felt that maybe part of God's purpose in this would be to help other grieving mothers. And to be honest I am very thankful that I had all of you to help me through this past year. God carried me through and you all were a part of it. Your words of encouragement and your support and prayers truly sustained me more than once. So to all of you Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
The rest of this post is going to be my reflections on the last year in a letter to Ethin. I figure sharing it here is my way of sharing him and sharing it with him.
Dear Ethin,
My sweet punk my angel I have missed you so much and this I am sure will not change. No I promise you that it will not change I am sure that I will miss you every day that I am alive. I never imagined that I could do this without you and I haven't. Son you have been with me every second of every day. Your strength and fight on this Earth gave me Hope and Courage to get through all of this.
I will never forget the day you were born and that cry that I heard. There are moments in life that I think always remain a part of your daily thoughts and you my son are many moments that are part of my every day. I truly never imagined all that your life would mean to me and so many others. I am so proud of all that you are and ever will be.
I would be lying if I told you that this has been easy. It has not been easy it has truly been the hardest thing I have ever done learning to live without you. It has been hard and is still hard to accept that you are not here with me. At times the only comfort I could find in doing this was knowing that you are in a far better place with our Savior. I used to think that there was no better place for you than with me, but that was selfish thinking and I am sorry for that.
I still love to relish in the memory of your sweet smile and your vibrant eyes. I do still cry for you often, but that is part of being on Earth. This Earth is filled with painful things and losing you was painful and still is painful.
Ethin I truly believe to this day that you were a very special gift from God sent to change my life and this world. Let me tell you that I am proud of the fact that I know you have done both of these things. Your life though it was not as long as I wanted was just the right length to make an impact larger than I will ever do in my lifetime. You have touched so many lives and so many people and you continue to do that every day.
Loving you so much has always been easy, but missing you has not. Some nights I still think that maybe when I wake up that this will all be a bad nightmare and you will be here. I have thought over and over in my head of ways to bring you back, but it is not going to happen. One day many years from now for me and seconds to you though I know that we will spend forever together in Heaven.
In the last year since you have been gone so many things have happened. There has been a balloon release, a ball, an organization started in your memory and honor, proclamations and resolutions, a basketball game, and most importantly there has been a never ending love for you and the life that you lived. You fought so hard and so many love you and think of you often.
I want you to know that I am sorry. I am sorry if I ever did anything that has disappointed you. I am also sorry that I could not take your pain away or trade places with you. Know that I would have in a heart beat if I could have. I would have done anything for you. As your mother it at times is hard not to feel responsible for what you went through, but I really just wanted to make sure I did everything in my power to give you a chance at life. As your mother I am a selfish person that truly just would have done anything to make sure that you would always be physically with me.
My plans for you certainly changed a year ago when I had to tell you goodbye. I thought that I would see you play in the rain, but now when it rains I like to feel the drops run off my face as it feels like maybe that is your way of telling me it's OK to cry when I miss you. Instead of allowing the wind to brush your face I feel you in the wind as though you are whispering I love you mommy. Instead of looking at the stars with you I feel like maybe you are up there in the stars. I truly believed you and "D" would learn to walk and talk at the same time. Well I am sure the two of you talk and I find comfort in thinking that maybe you were there holding his hand as he took that first step. Yes you still a part of the plans, but in a different way.
I may not be able to ever fully understand all that has happened and why, but I do know that you are always my son and I will always love you. Wishing for another day with you is easy, but I know it would never be enough. So until I get to where you are make sure to look both ways up there before crossing Heaven's street, find a good place fo us to play, smile every chance that you get, smell all the flowers, and know that I love you and always will.
Love,
Mommy

You are the sun that warms my face
The wind is your gentle embrace
You are the first star I see at night
The reason I still get up and fight
You are the beat of my heart
The courage I have to not fall apart
You are the whisper in the day
The reason I can not lose my way
You are the rain that falls in the spring
The hope that floats on an angel's wing
You are everything I ever hope to be
The best part of everything in me.
Jessica Twigg
6-27-10

Blessings,

A Song

2010-06-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

I still can not believe that you are not here that your life on Earth is done
Hard to imagine you left this place and I have survived year one
I often think of you and smile when I think of where you are
At night I look to Heaven and know you are the brightest star
Never a day has gone by since you left this place that I do not speak your name
In the last year I have had to realize that I am different no longer the same
Many said it would get better it would get easier but that is just not true
It numbed and then it got harder learning to live again without you
Most days I have guilt for learning how to smile through the hurt of every day
Then I thought of you and all the pain you endured and smiling was your way
Often I wonder if you think of me as often as I think of you
Then I think of Heaven and know that there is no missing so this can not be true
I miss how it feels to hold you in my arms and watch you fall asleep
It still makes me cry when I think of how you were God's gift to me that I couldn't keep
They say sometimes a life is sent but does not need to stay very long
For God's plan never fails every life no matter the length has a special song
Your song my son is still heard your heart beat keeps the time of your melody
Your heart beats in so many I promise that will never change it always will be
I hope you always know that I am very proud of you and all that you have done
Forever know that I am honored that God gave you to me to be my son
I will never lie and tell you that this has been easy honestly it's been the hardest thing
Sometimes God's song is the hardest to accept the hardest one to sing
Your heart and mine are beating together as part of God's ultimate plan
Son you are in me as I am in you together with God I will sing this song the best that I can
Jessica Twigg
6-25-10

I also wanted to share this song that I heard earlier this week it really describes how I felt when Ethin was here and maybe how I feel now at times and how I am sure many of us who have watched our children and babies struggle have felt or feel.....

With so much love and thanks as I approach Sunday,

P.S. Yes I am still in grief counseling I am ALLOWED to feel this I am ALLOWED to have a bad day and I am sorry that I hurt I wish I didn't....

Creeping Up

2010-06-22T00:23:00.000-07:00

My sweet Ethin 1 year ago today June 21, 2009

It is all fast approaching as my birthday is almost here and so is the day I have dreaded for the last year. I have almost survived the first year.

Marverlous Meet Me Monday

2010-06-07T14:35:00.000-07:00

Marvelous Mondays were created by a blog friend of mine after she lost her triplets. She did this to start finding one thing to just be thankful for. I liked the idea and now include it in my weekly Monday post!

So on this Marverlous Monday I am thankful for the chance to win something!!! My friends the Carters n their blog Keeping Up With The Carters have posted an oppurtunity for you to win a free $50 gift card to CSN!!! All you have to do is go to their page and follow the rules for entry! It is easy and there are four ways to win. So I am thankful for this today the chance to win!

Meet Me Monday

What is your middle name?

My middle name is Margaret. I was named after my grandmother on my biological dad's side. When I was a kid I hated the name, but now as an adult I love the name and would use it for a little girl for sure. I feel very honored to have my grandmother's name!

When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a public safety officer: Fire fighter, police officer, and Medic. Well I accomplished 2 of those and now I realize I am not grown up and now I have new dreams!!! LOL Some people never grow up I think I am one of those!

When is your birthday?

My birthday is actually fast approaching!!! I will be 27 on the 23rd of this month! Yes that makes me a Cancer! However I will not lie I am not really looking forward to it. I suppose there is just no stopping the fact that I will always get older!

Please email me chdhlhs09@yahoo.com your meet me Monday questions or leave them as a comment here!!!

Blessings,

I Thought The World Would Stop For You

2010-06-02T00:20:00.000-07:00

I have ben expeirencing so many emotions lately and I am starting to feel overwhelmed by them. I love my kids, but I feel so guilty that even though I love them as much as I do when I am with them I still think about how much I miss Ethin and how he is not here. As I sat with Jessa and Jayde tonight and watched Jonathin play baseball I was so proud of Jonathin, but I thought how I will never watch Ethin play baseball. As I told the girls to watch as Jonathin swung the bat I thought how I will never be able to encourage Ethin to root for his sisters and brother on the sports field.

Why is my grief so hard to deal with? Why is my grief so consuming? I have so many questions and I normally do go on with life as usual like everything is fine, but the realtiy is that I am hurting so bad inside that I do not completely recognize myself or how to manage the way I feel. People said that this would get easier, but I have to tell you that I totally disagree. It gets different and now I am trying to learn how to allow the different to become my new normal when the reality is that I do not want a new normal I want the normal I had a year ago when Ethin was still alive and in my arms.

Life seems to be swallowing me whole. It honestly feels like I am being sucked into quicksand and I am hanging on to a branch that could snap at any time and I will be sucked all the way under. Grief is an awful feeling that is killing me slowly from the inside out. My heart feels so torn and broke. People always ask what's wrong and the truth is my heart hurts. They ask how I am doing and I am afraid that I will disappoint if I tell them the truth so I have reverted back to the whole I am alive response. The truth is I am alive, but I am not living just merely existing in a world that never slows down or stops for anyone's pain.

So I wrote this poem knowing that June 27th will be creeping up on me in 25 days. Oh my goodness really it is only 25 days away?? That is less than 4 weeks away! I am really not wanting to finish the month of June I would rather just skip it!

Blessings,

I THOUGHT THE WORLD WOULD STOP FOR YOU

You left this world in June

Laid to rest in hot July

Fireworks went off just 2 days later