Alright so I did it I had dinner a turkey one. It started yesterday at a Heart Family's house the Goodfellows. Monica made a great dinner and I was not alone in missing my child while I was there. When I got there Monica said that Faith and Ethin were saying Happy Thanksgiving as she had cut a potatoe and it ended up shaped like a heart. Faith is their daughter that had HLHS and earned her wings in January of 2006. Also there was another family there that lost their 14 year old daughter this past summer to cancer. We all talked about our Angels and no one was mad about it. All their names were mentioned...Hannah, Faith, and Ethin. They were all talked about and missed so much as we all sat together. I am thankful for my Heart Family!!!!
Well today I did dinner here however the prepping started last night. I think Ethin sent me a sign to tell me it would be OK and that he wanted me to enjoy Thanksgiving. Here is Ethin's sign an egg that I cut shaped like a heart!!
What are the chances? There are no coincedences this has to be Ethin!
So Lelie and I did it all except for the Turkey which my friend Tom came over and deep fried!! Oh it was late to the table, but it was good!!! Looks a bit delapitated, but it was great!!!!
And everyone ate I ate way to much this is my food minus the pumpkin pie that I ate!!! LOL Needless to say I am still full!!!
Yep I did it today and I am thankful, but now as the house is finally quiet and I sit here all alone to type this blog I am reminded of just how much I wish it was not quiet. I look up and Ethin's pictures are staring at me with those wide eyes. I look beside me and his monky is staring at me. I am thankful yes, but I am hurting is that allowed? I was not supposed to spend Thanksgiving trying so hard to find the things to be thankful for. But I am and I did not get to eat my meal with a baby in my arms. I miss my sweet boy so much.
Oh missing Ethin and him being in Heaven rather than here is so hard. I really have lately began to watch my life spin out of control. The worst part is I know if he was here it would all be so different. But He is not and no matter how hard I try to beat that into my head I can not accept it. I am to be thankful at this time of year and parts of me are, but other parts are so not. And parts if me accept all of this and other parts do not. I have found that again there have been times I "check" out. I am crazy!!!!
As I continue to try and find ways to get through all of this. I also found this quote and I guess I find it to hold true.
"A man who has lost his wife is called a widower.
A child without parents is called an orphan.
But what of a woman whose child has passed?
What am I to be called??? Once a mother of four? Once a Heart Mother??"
Yes what do you call me??? At the schools I am known as Jessa, Jonathin, or Jayde's mom. On the soccer field I am coach. In my home I am mom, but to the world I am a woman who lost her baby. I am once a heart mom. I am one the mother of four. I am the mother that can not pull herself together not even for her other children. I am a woman who is hurting deeply and everyone knows and everyone can tell. I am the woman that people are angry with becasue I can not just get over it. Yes I want to know what am I to be called??
What did I do to deserve all this
Tell me what did I do to never again give him a kiss
Why a punishment so extra hard
God you gave him to me and I was his guard
I watched over him just as you requested
Lord I gave him everything I could I was totally vested
You asked of me a job that would be very tough
How is it that what I gave was not enough?
Before he came crashing down to me I was already preparing
Father becasue of my warrior it was your story I was sharing
Yet some where I must have done something wrong
Becasue pain and hurt is now my broken heart song
So why me what did I do to have you take him away?
Lord tell me did you not hear my prayers and all I had to say?
Now as I cry these tears through this time of year I wonder
God do you see the storm and all of its thunder?
My punk is gone and you took him away from me
And worst of all is the pain that you knew would always be
You see I know we share something in all of this
However when your son died he came to you and his face you can kiss
So you knew the pain I would endure
You took my son rather than give him a cure
You left me standing here with empty arms walking all alone
God you are watching from your heavenly throne
Give him back I need him here with me
God I have come to you on my dirty knees
Please I beg you to take the pain that is in my heart
Show me a way to do this God just help put back the parts
Please wipe these tears as they fall from face
Know that Ethin wasn't soupposed to leave this place
Oh how I need him I know you see my pain
God give him back my loss should never have been your gain!
I know that there is no use in begging any more
Just please Father catch me I am hitting the floor
Since you have him there with you can you do some things for me?
Tell him how I love him and his face I long to see
God he likes to sleep on his belly against my chest
Make sure he knows that because of him I truly feel blessed
He likes to dance he loves to be held for a waltz
Make sure you tell him how perfect he is that he has no faults
God make sure you let him watch his sports and teach him to cheer
Please keep him safe never let him feel fear
Remeber he is punk so many times he will do things his way
Make sure he remembers at bedtime to always pray
God let him listen in from time to time he loved to hear me sing
Oh and teach him to find beauty in every little thing
Teach him the things that I did not get to do
You need to make sure that he has manners saying please and thank-you
Make sure he looks both ways before he crosses the street
And God please tell him when he left he took a part of my heart and his is now complete.
Please pray for Logan and Derrick as they both have appointments this week! And I almost forgot Happy Thanksgiving to my little Iowa Heart buddies! Andrew and Logan this is for you I love you guys!!!!!!