Sunday, November 29, 2009

I Did It!!!! Turkey Day on a Sunday???!!! Semi-Thankful too does that count?

First of all I need to update the Cuddles From the Heart for MI. We will be taking these blankets to U of M December 14th so I need all blankets within the next week. After I have them I will be taking them down and giving them to the hospital with Deanna Traxler a friend of mine, Sgt. James from QFAD/Heroes and Patricia Pierce. So get me your new store bought or homemade blankets to me within the next week. I also would encourage you to visit the Cuddles from the Heart blog with the link on the right hand side of my blog to see the other states give outs as I know Iowa's is going to be on Saturday.

Alright so I did it I had dinner a turkey one. It started yesterday at a Heart Family's house the Goodfellows. Monica made a great dinner and I was not alone in missing my child while I was there. When I got there Monica said that Faith and Ethin were saying Happy Thanksgiving as she had cut a potatoe and it ended up shaped like a heart. Faith is their daughter that had HLHS and earned her wings in January of 2006. Also there was another family there that lost their 14 year old daughter this past summer to cancer. We all talked about our Angels and no one was mad about it. All their names were mentioned...Hannah, Faith, and Ethin. They were all talked about and missed so much as we all sat together. I am thankful for my Heart Family!!!!

Well today I did dinner here however the prepping started last night. I think Ethin sent me a sign to tell me it would be OK and that he wanted me to enjoy Thanksgiving. Here is Ethin's sign an egg that I cut shaped like a heart!!

What are the chances? There are no coincedences this has to be Ethin!

Anyhow the rest of dinner was made today and it was served to 11 people that I have grown to love as my family. My friend Leslie came over to help and between her and I we did it all....Relish Tray, Veggie Tray, Apple Rings, Sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, corn, carrote, rolls, stuffing, gravy, cranberry sauce, cherry cheesecake, pumpkin pie, apple pie, baked beans, Green bean casserole, deviled eggs, and baked beans....Here is the table with all the food that would fit on it!!! I had to leave some on the counters my table is not that big! LOL
So Lelie and I did it all except for the Turkey which my friend Tom came over and deep fried!! Oh it was late to the table, but it was good!!! Looks a bit delapitated, but it was great!!!!
And everyone ate I ate way to much this is my food minus the pumpkin pie that I ate!!! LOL Needless to say I am still full!!!
So dinner went well I am full and feeling drained. But I did it. I had Thanksgiving dinner without my sweet boy. I miss him so much and so badly wish he was here and can not help but think how different things would be if he were here. I am so thankful thought that I had Ethin and can not imagine my life if he never would have existed. I found this quote on Ashley's blog and want to share it is how I feel... "Most people only dream of Angels, I held one in my arms." So yes I am thankful for Ethin.
I wanted to share my Turkey day with you all, but I need to share other things to. I am thankful for Jessa who turned 8 today read the previous blog I wrote for her. I am also thankful for Jonathin and Jayde. My life would truly be a total waste if it were not for my children. My kiddos give me life. Though I love them all so very much and differently from another they do not fill the hole in my heart that I have for Ethin. All FOUR of my children make me thankful. I love them. I love that I have the Jtriplets here with me and my heart just aches for Ethin.
Yep I did it today and I am thankful, but now as the house is finally quiet and I sit here all alone to type this blog I am reminded of just how much I wish it was not quiet. I look up and Ethin's pictures are staring at me with those wide eyes. I look beside me and his monky is staring at me. I am thankful yes, but I am hurting is that allowed? I was not supposed to spend Thanksgiving trying so hard to find the things to be thankful for. But I am and I did not get to eat my meal with a baby in my arms. I miss my sweet boy so much.
Oh missing Ethin and him being in Heaven rather than here is so hard. I really have lately began to watch my life spin out of control. The worst part is I know if he was here it would all be so different. But He is not and no matter how hard I try to beat that into my head I can not accept it. I am to be thankful at this time of year and parts of me are, but other parts are so not. And parts if me accept all of this and other parts do not. I have found that again there have been times I "check" out. I am crazy!!!!
As I continue to try and find ways to get through all of this. I also found this quote and I guess I find it to hold true.
"A man who has lost his wife is called a widower.
A child without parents is called an orphan.
But what of a woman whose child has passed?
What am I to be called??? Once a mother of four? Once a Heart Mother??"

Yes what do you call me??? At the schools I am known as Jessa, Jonathin, or Jayde's mom. On the soccer field I am coach. In my home I am mom, but to the world I am a woman who lost her baby. I am once a heart mom. I am one the mother of four. I am the mother that can not pull herself together not even for her other children. I am a woman who is hurting deeply and everyone knows and everyone can tell. I am the woman that people are angry with becasue I can not just get over it. Yes I want to know what am I to be called??



What did I do to deserve all this
Tell me what did I do to never again give him a kiss
Why a punishment so extra hard
God you gave him to me and I was his guard
I watched over him just as you requested
Lord I gave him everything I could I was totally vested
You asked of me a job that would be very tough
How is it that what I gave was not enough?
Before he came crashing down to me I was already preparing
Father becasue of my warrior it was your story I was sharing
Yet some where I must have done something wrong
Becasue pain and hurt is now my broken heart song
So why me what did I do to have you take him away?
Lord tell me did you not hear my prayers and all I had to say?
Now as I cry these tears through this time of year I wonder
God do you see the storm and all of its thunder?
My punk is gone and you took him away from me
And worst of all is the pain that you knew would always be
You see I know we share something in all of this
However when your son died he came to you and his face you can kiss
So you knew the pain I would endure
You took my son rather than give him a cure
You left me standing here with empty arms walking all alone
God you are watching from your heavenly throne
Give him back I need him here with me
God I have come to you on my dirty knees
Please I beg you to take the pain that is in my heart
Show me a way to do this God just help put back the parts
Please wipe these tears as they fall from face
Know that Ethin wasn't soupposed to leave this place
Oh how I need him I know you see my pain
God give him back my loss should never have been your gain!
I know that there is no use in begging any more
Just please Father catch me I am hitting the floor
Since you have him there with you can you do some things for me?
Tell him how I love him and his face I long to see
God he likes to sleep on his belly against my chest
Make sure he knows that because of him I truly feel blessed
He likes to dance he loves to be held for a waltz
Make sure you tell him how perfect he is that he has no faults
God make sure you let him watch his sports and teach him to cheer
Please keep him safe never let him feel fear
Remeber he is punk so many times he will do things his way
Make sure he remembers at bedtime to always pray
God let him listen in from time to time he loved to hear me sing
Oh and teach him to find beauty in every little thing
Teach him the things that I did not get to do
You need to make sure that he has manners saying please and thank-you
Make sure he looks both ways before he crosses the street
And God please tell him when he left he took a part of my heart and his is now complete.
Jessica Twigg
11-29-09



Please pray for Logan and Derrick as they both have appointments this week! And I almost forgot Happy Thanksgiving to my little Iowa Heart buddies! Andrew and Logan this is for you I love you guys!!!!!!

P.S. Logan can you still talk to Elmo for me? I still need those directions!
Blessings,

Jessica

Saturday, November 28, 2009

8 Years Ago

November 29, 2001 I gave birth to my first child a girl. I named her Jessa Danyelle. This post is for her.

When I found out I was pregnant for you I was so scared. I was young and had just dropped out of high school. Then the first time I heard your heart beat inside of me I just knew that being a mother was the only thing I wanted in the world. That and I had to go back and graduate high school so I could tell you that you had to finish too. If it were not for you I am sure I would not have ever graduated. You were my driving force.

3 months into my senior I gave birth to you. There you were born at 12:01pm on November 29, 2001. You weighed 8lbs 13oz and were 21 1/2 inches long. They placed you on my chest and at that very moment I will never forget the way that unselfish and unconditional love rushed into my heart. I had tears that flowed down my cheeks as I looked at your face, counted your fingers and your toes. You were perfect in every way.

Jessa you are my first you made me a mom. Everything I would experience as an every day mom I did with you. You were my first baby to feed, change diapers, bathe, hold, and love. I really never knew life could be filled with so much. I graduated high school with honors when you were 6 1/2 months old. Leaving you to finish school was hard, but I had to do it for you.
Since that time those so many years ago so much has changed.

In the past 8 years I have watched you crawl, walk, and run. You were a happy baby and you are a happy little girl. You are much like me that you wear your heart on your sleeve. And you look more like me every day. You went from having little hair to a very full thick head of hair. You are also my very sporty girl. I have watched you go from dance and gymnastics to soccer and cheer leading. I have been fortunate enough to coach your soccer teams and cheer squad.

Jessa you really never cease to amaze me. You have a heart of gold and you are so polite and kind to everyone who crosses your path. Your love for God is the one thing that I hope you cling tight to your whole life. Your willingness to help others at your age is wonderful. I love that your heart is so kind. You are wise beyond your 8 years and you truly have always had an edge on learning.

When I had you my dreams for you were HUGE and they still are. Jessa I hope that you always do your best and never give up on anything. You have the ability to put the world at awe with your heart. I dream of you doing many things, but most importantly that you continue to love with your whole heart and you continue to use your heart in everything that you do. My hopes for you are high, because I know that you are capable of anything you set your mind to. You are going to great things.

Jessa 8 years ago I never imagined being a mother, but I can tell you I could not imagine my life without you and without you giving me the opportunity to be a mother. Continue to set a great example for your little sister and brother. You are a good big sister and they love you and look up to you so very much. I am very proud of you and very proud to be your mommy!

So happy birthday Jessa with all my heart and all my love, Mommy





HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSA
Some pics of Jessa in very random order Please Enjoy!!



Jessa Potter

GO NEWAYGO!!! Homecoming 2008

This past summer at the fair in Owosso

Hay Ride at Cran Hill Ranch summer of 2009

Jessa holding her baby brother Ethin
h
At the Zoo summer of 2009 feeding the birds

After swimming in the Lake at Uncle Izzy and Aunt Jessica's Summer of 2009

Cheerleading with confidence!! LOL
d
Jessa on September 20, 2009 before the QFAD/Heroes golf outing

Me and Jessa at Dave and Busters during our QFAD weekend

Jessa and I today

Jessa with her 2 of her 3 siblings

Jessa being a loving big sister from the start

Jessa and I in 2006

I love you Jessa

Jessa and I fall of 2008

Jessa Spring of 2009

Spring 2009

One of my fave pics Jessa spring 2009

Fall 2008

First Soccer season!!!!

At the museum when she was in Kindergarten

Jessa Summer of 2006

2nd Christmas


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

You say Thanksgiving I say Thursday

Wow I just am having such a hard time finding the words to write and the things I want to say. Weird 2 weeks ago I was writing like crazy I could not stop and now I am unsure how to put it all into words. So here we go for nothing.
First off thank you so much for praying for Luke. He is home now.
Next off I guess I should say that I am having a very hard time with all of this. I feel so much and nothing all at once. I am slowly taking myself away from the world. My "coach" says this is not good, but really he has no idea how hard all this is. Now do not get me wrong he is a good counselor. However I just wish I did not need to see him. But I do and so I go. The way I see it at least it gets me outta the house for an hour right???
Yes I have spent about 95% of the last week locked in my house. I have no need or want to leave my home. If it were not for Inge I am sure I would not even go outside of the front door. However because of her and the fact that cleaning dog messes is not appealing I do at least take her out.
So Thursday is fast approaching.....Not looking forward to it I will not lie I am very much dreading the whole day. Everyone being thankful, happy, and smiling right now is just not my bag ya know??? Thursday is a reminder of a big day that Ethin is not here for. Please do not get me wrong I am thankful for the J Triplets, but they will be with their dad so really what the hell am I supposed to do???? I will not be a mother on that day and it is a day I need to feel like I am needed.
I was guilted into going to my family's house even though I offered to cook dinner here! I still am going to cook here as I am sure that will be short lived. My fuse is already so short and I know that it is not going to be any longer on Thursday. So I am going to do my best to plaster the fake smile on my face and do this whole "family" thing that I do NOT want to do. Thankfully my family all drinks so I know there will be a glass of wine with my name on it. Oh how I hate wine, but I have a feeling I may need it.
Then the day after Thursday is nothing more than a reminder of the fact that Ethin has been gone for 5 months. 5 very long, exhausting, emotionally draining months since my punk left this Earth and Heaven gained an angel. I can not believe it's been that long yet at times it still feels like yesterday I was on the phone pleading with Dr. Goldstein to not let him die, begging him to keep Ethin alive until I could get there. That was not the case and Ethin was gone. 5 months ago I held his lifeless body in my arms and cried begging him to wake up.
Dear God how did this happen to me??? How did I become the parent that left without my baby??? How am I the one with such an empty heart and very empty arms??? Last year on Thursday I was very full of food, still having morning sickness, and feeling him kick in my belly. He was still SAFE. Now he is gone and I am so forever changed.
Ya know if life was everything I wanted it to be Ethin would be here and Thursday would be Thanksgiving not just Thursday. If he were here I would be so thankful and so happy to go be with my family. BUT he's NOT!!! HE IS NOT HERE!!! And I do not want to do this!! Life is so unfair and so damn cruel the way it cuts you deep to the core. Yes I am angry while everyone around me is thankful and happy. I am down right depressed and livid!
Oh I am so sorry that you are all reading this. This is why I have not wrote. I feel as though I am regressing and so badly do not want to disappoint any of you. I am thankful for all of you. I just needed to get all that out. Now I want to say a few things that are good....
I am thankful for Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde
I am thankful for Ethin
I am thankful for my amazing grandma
I am thankful for my heart family that spreads across the entire USA
I am thankful for all the medical staff at Mott
I am also thankful for the very awkwardly warm weather in MI
OK I also have some big news.....I am hoping to do the handout for the Cuddles from the Heart program in December so I need all th blankets by November 30. You can mail your new or homemade blankets to me at Jessica Twigg 513 Sunset Dr. Newaygo, MI 49337
Also the last day to get me pics for the CHD video for the Heart Ball is November 30th. You can email me those pics to chdhlhs09@yahoo.com I need them by then as Stef and I will be editing the video so it can be ordered by December 15. If you are going to want a copy of the DVD you will need to email me so I know.

Blessings, Jessica

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Heartfelt Blogger Award

First thing I want to share on this update is that tonight when I got on here I was left a message by Lauren that she had nominated me for the Heart Felt Blogger award! Laurens Blog is Lauren's Heart Hope~Love~Faith. Lauren gave me this award and it just touched my heart to know that she thinks so highly of my writing about our life since Ethin entered this world and now the blog as our family grieves the loss of Ethin. Thank You so much Lauren I am so touched!

The Heartfelt Blogger Award is awarded to the blogs that make us feel all comfy or warm inside when we read them.

Here are the Rules for this award:

1) Display the award logo
2) Nominate up to 9 blogs that make you feel warm and fuzzy inside
3) Link to your nominees and leave a comment on their blog telling them about the award
4) Link to the person whom you received the award

Here are the blogs that I am nominating in no order at all the blogs that I red and follow and that really just touch me to the core.

1) Shannon as she just always is so positive and encouraging and I love the way she shares their CHD journey with "D". He is such a ham and I she has been there for me through so much of this journey after losing Ethin.

2) Sundie I just loving reading about Sydnie and her sister. She is a true CHD Warrior and Sundie shares this journey with us and it gives HOPE!

3) Emily is a friend from church that I grew up with and when her niece was born last year she began to share Hope's journey with all of us and her posts are always so positive and uplifting. I find so many times that I smile reading this journey.

4) Ashley she shares her husbands and life after the loss of their son Nolan. She writes in ways that make it easy to connect and she expresses so many things that I have felt.

5) Leeanne is a Heart mom but this is HER blog that I follow where she talks about life in general and how she feels. She is so open and honest and it touches my heart to read her honesty and about her amazing Faith.

These are the blogs I chose however I love all the ones I follow and read. Again Thank You Lauren for nominating me and giving me a tear as I see by writing that Ethin, the J Triplets and I are giving Hope to others and touching lives. I really just write to get it out never thought I would be honored with such a lovely award. Thank you!


Alright now on to the blogging!!! I am not going to include the Heart Ball and Cuddles stuff in this update, but I will ask for pics for The Faces of CHD Video I am making for the Heart Ball. I need pics of CHD warriors, angels, adults for the video I am putting together I am going to accept pics till the end of the month. I with a picture need the name, CHD, and if it is an angel I need the birth date and Angel date. You can email them to me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com Spread this word around please. And thanks in advance.
Well things here are fast paced and forever changing. I am staying so very busy with the preparations for the Heart Ball and sorting through blankets for the Cuddles from the Heart program. Oh the way that everything seems to be falling into place and none of this would have happened without Ethin.
I have found myself quite sick again. If I am not better by tomorrow I will be going to the doctor yet again. I am so sick of being sick!!!
With being sick that brings me to Luke the nephew of a very good friend of mine. I asked for prayers for him earlier this week. He is having a scope done at 730 on Friday morning, because the doctors said that he has been sick for to long. Please continue to pray for this family here is his care page go there and leave them a message please! cp: davidluke

Well with getting that award from Lauren it has made me feel the need to write a few things...When Ethin was born in January I started his care page cp: Ethinspage to update our family and friends and church on how he was doing. I quickly connected with other heart families and families with sick children. They would come to his page and read and leave messages for us. After Ethin passed away so many people asked that I keep everyone posted on the J Triplets and myself. I thought I owed that to so many who prayed for our family and then I found that it was just a great way for me to express so many things. I created this blog to continue to do that. I know that sometimes when I write it makes many cry or many have no words. That is really OK I never realized until Lauren gave me this award that I really am touching your lives with my words. I just knew that I had to keep writing and keep sharing my thoughts. So thank you for opening your hearts to my family and I. Thank you for supporting me and reading even when it is not easy to do so.
I will try to blog a good blog this weekend, but I need to get back to sleep.
Blessings,
Jessica



Monday, November 16, 2009

Prayers for Luke Please!!!

Not for me or my kids but here is the update please just pray and spread the word there are 2400 followers we can send some prayers!!! Love you all thanks here is the info

I have a huge prayer request for one of my very close friends 9 year old nephew Luke Marsh he has been at DeVos children's hospital now since Friday and was transferred there after spending a day at another hospital they said he has swine flu and possibly a bacterial infection please pray for him and his family.
Here is his care page I was just given it go and leave this amazing family and sweet kid a message of support! cp: davidluke

https://www.carepages.com/carepages/davidluke

Please pray for him and go leave a message letting them know we are all here. You have all been so supportive and amzing for me and my kids.....This is my friends Tammi and Tom's nephew and Tammi and Tom are like my family so please pray for Luke!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Counting the Days

January 9, 2010
VFW Hall
9075 Mason Dr
Newaygo, MI 49337

Doors will open at 4:30pm
A welcome will happen at 5:30pm
Dinner immediately following the welcome 6pm-7pm eat dinner
7pm introduction and about the event
715pm introduction of a speaker
745 faces of CHD video
8pm a formal waltz in memory of Ethin Twigg
805pm a thank you and enjoy the rest of our evening dancing

Dinner will be donated and catered by CSK Catering. There will be things to drink with a tip jug donation.
There will be a silent auction and dancing after the thank you
Tickets are $75 for one or $125 for two please make checks payable for the tickets to Jessica Twigg and in the memo line write Heart Ball
This is a black tie event so dig out your tuxes and formal gowns for a great cause that will help the Hearts of many!!!
All proceeds from this event will be donated to the University of Michigan Mott's Children's Hospital Congenital Heart Center in Memory of Ethin RaiLuc Twigg 1/9/09-6/27/09
R.S.V.P. to Jessica Twigg
513 Sunset Dr.
Newaygo, MI 49337
chdhlhs09@yahoo.com
616-634-3029
In other news I am still in desperate need of blankets. Our Cuddles From The Heart Program in MI is off to a good start and we have about 210 so we only need about another 90. I think that this is very doable. I also think that if we get more than that would be even better as it would allow the kids and the families to really have a choice. You can mail me your new store bought or homemade blanket to Jessica Twigg 513 Sunset Dr. Newaygo, MI 49337
We will be handing these blankets out in Feb. at Mott's where Ethin spent his life. The comfort of our own blankets during his life was just enough to make the hospital feel more like our home than a hospital. The nurses liked putting them on his bed and I liked knowing there were some areas where comfort was attainable. So let's get these blankets!!!
I also still have Ethin's Bracelets. They are $2 each and I can mail them to you if you mail me the money to the above address also. All the money from these bracelets are funding the heart ball. I am also in desperate need of more pictures for my Faces of CHD video. I need pictures of people and children with CHD's emailed to me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com with the picture I also need the name of the child and the CHD they have. I also need more CHD Angel pictures with those pictures I need their first name and last name if you wish as well as their birth date, Angel date, and CHD. Spread this around please as I am trying to make this video a good one to show at the heart ball.

Well I took a the weekend off from writing and I am back to it! Lots to share I guess or a head full of thoughts that run my life! Thoughts are controlling. Sometimes in my head I feel like I am in a circle room and I am frantically trying to find a corner to hide in. Not gonna happen right?! Anyhow before I get to into all this I want to share a few things with you that I got this week.

This amazing collage was made by Abiding Hope Collages.

I sent them Ethin's name and the things that remind me of him or that describe him. Joshua 1:9 is his birth verse and it says this...."Be strong and courageous do not be terrified do not be afraid for the Lord your God will be with where ever you are." That may be the one thing that when I think about I still just see that to be so fitting for Ethin.

Also I have this picture of Ethin's Angel wings. The wings were made by Angel Wings Memorial Boutique. I should be getting these in the mail I believe.

I love the wings. They are so beautiful. makes me think he really does have wings up there. Oh how much I miss him and wish he would use those wings to fly down to my arms!

This past week really was a rough one for me. Ethin would have been 10 months old. Our heart family celebrated their Ethan's 9th birthday at the cemetery with a balloon release for him. Another Heart Warrior one her fight and went to Heaven. I am just so over taken by the thoughts. How none of this is fair.
10 months ago I was Heart Mom and now I am a Mom with a child in Heaven. I did not ask for this. I did not want this. My heart just aches for Ethin and my heart aches for Sandy as I know this week was so hard on her with Ethan's birthday. Ya know I have some thoughts that are hard as I look forward to January 9, 2010 as then I will stop counting the 9th of every month as a birthday. Then I will begin my count of years. Kinda that same thing for June 27th of next year. It will be at that point I will stop counting the months and count the years too. I am not counting now but if I was he has been gone now for 4 months, 2 weeks, 5 days, 2 hours, and 17 minutes.
The amount of time Ethin has been gone will soon be more than he was alive for. This thought scares me. I hate that in a month he will be gone longer than he was alive. If I was counting his length of life he lived 5 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days. So there will come a time here in a few weeks that he has been gone longer than he was here.
I know I have talked about this a lot lately, but Thanksgiving is on the 26th of the month. How am I supposed to eat turkey and be happy knowing the next day is 5 months since my sweet boy has been gone? Not to mention it would have been his first Thanksgiving and he will not be there!! Oh I HATE this I HATE not having him.
My head has so many thoughts and I just can not even get them out right now, but I thought I would share this poem I wrote the other day when Amelia earned her wings and went to Heaven. I wrote it for my Stef when she posted about Amelia and her Blog title made me write this as I know how very sad we all are over the loss of another child due to CHD's.

RIVER OF TEARS
Tears falling from our faces and forming a river we all have come to know to well.
Our lives are all so connected and this river is proof of the stories we share and tell.
This river flows but many will never have a clue thankfully they will never know
The water in this river gets higher every time our heart family takes a blow.
It may rise do to surgery another day of waiting to read words of a page
When things are bad the storm is hard the river water rages
Some tears that form this river are ones of pure joy
Ones that are happy when our Heart families bring home their girl or boy
But nothing quite compares to the flood that we all feel tonight
As the river rises and our tears we can not fight
Rise river you take theses tears that we all cry
Because you gain tears the most when we all must say goodbye.
Life seems unkind, unjust, and simply not quite fair.
For miles separate so many of us when life seems not to care
We all have found each other and in this river we all wade
We cry as we know a life is gone it is the price paid
A CHD has taken another life to the heavens up above
The river of tears is raging on as another one is gone one we all love.

Jessica Twigg
11-12-09

Thank you for the prayers for Andrew keep praying as we have to wait till tomorrow for results!!!
The Delorey family as Rick is coming home from the hospital on Hospice they are saying about 45 days.

Heart Ball, My family, and me please I need to start to find some peace.

Blessings,

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Storm

So I have written a lot in the last few days. Maybe that is overload for some of you and I am sorry. I just have the urge to write everything down right now. I write when things are to much to bear. When if I do not get it out I feel like I may explode. Clearly that has been a lot lately. I keep wondering why it is so much harder for me right now than it has been, but that seems to be an empty question or a stupid question. So I am here to write again to get it out.
A friend of mine her son Ethan had HLHS and PLE and he would have been 9 years old today. Ethan was a face of HOPE for so many of us. This child with 3 others was the reason Hearts of Hope in MI was started. I talked to Sandy today just to let her know that I am here and I love her. Ethan's birthday today just breaks my heart. He should be here and celebrating with his family and instead we are all missing him and hoping to find ways to console his family. I have known all week that this was approaching. We all Love You and Miss You Ethan you are never far from our hearts.
Well that is just one thing, but the reality is there are so many things I can barely grasp the whole concept! So I made it through Halloween. I made it through the fact that on Monday he would have been 10 months. But now I have Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and then his first birthday. Which is the day of the Heart Ball I planned.
See how the world cruely laughs at me. Why can the holidays just not happen this year? Can' the holidays just go away??? Why can't life just stop for a few months. You know in December too that the amount of time he has been gone will exceed his life? No this can not happen. I can not deal with so much. I want the world to stop.
I had a nightmare the other night about Thanksgiving. I say nightmare as I felt awful when I abruptly woke up with sweat and tears running down my face. My family was all together and laughing and they all kept looking at me and they were angry that I was not laughing. I tried, but I finally exploded screaming at them and crying as I ran out of the house. In my dream I felt like I could not breathe. When I woke up I was shaking and crying. I searched frantically through the blankets for Ethin's monkey and his blanket. I sat with them and cried myself back to sleep. I know I cried as I woke up and today was here.
I keep thinking about the time I spent with God. Trying to hold onto that. Hold onto the fact that Ethin is genuinely well. Hold onto the fact that God loves me. Trying to hold onto all these things is like holding onto a flagpole during a tornado.Next to immpossible. This is all very similar to a Tornado in thinking.
Ethin dying was a tornado in my life. Once things settled he was gone and there is nothing but pure devastation. Instead of rebulding homes I am trying to rebuild life. Instead of calling in a contractor to rebuild my home I am using a counselor to help. Noone after a torndo knows what to say and people in my life are the same way. This was a tornado and I am waiting for the afterwinds to pass. I am standing here looking and I am angry and devastated still to this day that Ethin is gone.
Writing words like this is so hard. I hate hate saying he is gone. But the words He is dead are cruel. Saying he earned his wings is a bit better however that was just not the goal I had for him. Saying he has passed is like wondering if I should have been waving at him through a car window. Moving on some call it, but that feels like he had a bad relationship and was going to the next thing. So you see what is one supposed to stay. Another mother wrote this: "I hate saying he is gone like I have misplaced him I did not misplace him." I can relate to this.
So how am I supposed to do this. How am I supposed to put two feet on the ground and look at the damage and deal with the devastation? I have tried to look in my Bible, I have tried to pray, I have tried to forget. Nothing works it is all still there. I can not forget so that is unrealistic. I feel lost opening my Bible like I am a child opening it for the first time. Praying is a whole chore all its own.
Praying for me used to be so natural. I would even say few times that I prayed rather than I just talked to God. So why is it so hard now? I mean I know that I am angry at times with God, but why can I not just "get over it"? Yep that's right I have just said the very thing that drives me nuts. Get over it. WHACK!!!!!!!!!!! (Reality giving me a high five to the face) Because there is no getting over it. Another vicious cycle in all of this. My son died, I am angry at God, I feel sad, hurt, scared, guilty; I feel all those things, because Ethin is gone. You see how this can all go around and around and eat me alive.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it's about getting out there and dancing in the rain."
So the tornado already happened. I am in the aftermath the after storm. Ethin I am going to walk in the rain. I can't dance yet, but at least I am walking in the rain. Besides walking in the rain does make it impossible for people to see my tears. My life really is a tornado all it's own. I want to crawl out from the basement and feel the sun shining on my face.
One day I will do this.
Blessings,



P.S. If you have not read the other posts this week go back you may want to read them as this is my forth post this week. Love you all so much

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Fears

"When I walk into a room I fear someone will talk about my son....But the bigger fear is that they won't."

FEAR....Boy there certainly have been many. To many really. I am sitting here tonight and am not sure if I want to cry or just sit and watch TV cuddled with Ethin's blanket and monkey. Yes I cuddle with that blue prayer shawl and that monkey we all grew to love seeing him with.
It's a fear for me to cry. I think mostly because I am afraid if I start I might not stop. On Monday night I cried myself to sleep. I tried to stop on my own but with a failed attempt I wok up on Tuesday morning. Sleep has become a constant fear as well. Sometimes I fall asleep and then there Ethin is plain as day doing well and then suddenly it is like watching TV watching the medical staff race in there to him. Fears that bind me and hold me.
I have a Fear of leaving my house. Silly as it seems I am safe in my house no one to judge me or tell me I am wrong for how I feel. And if they do I can ask them to leave. Public places are a fear for me. When I walk into a place I know it is written all over my face that I am in pain. Also even though I live in a very small town I still sometimes get the "Oh Jessica How are you doing and how's the baby?" Ugh.....I put my head down say he died and walk away. So yes my house is a safe place for me!
Fears run deep and I feel them control me and I feel them swallowing me. I am afraid of something happening to my other children. The fear of losing them or having them be gone scares me terribly. When they sleep here I am up constantly to check on them make sure they are breathing. No more playing outside without me anymore. Camping was a great way to hide all that as we slept in the same tent. Yes I am scared of losing them. Losing Ethin made me realize that I was not safe anymore. Bad things can happen.
I live in fear that my J Triplets will not know how very much I love them. That they will not know how much each one of them means to me. They all hold a very special place in my heart. My heart belongs equally to all of 4 of them. Ethin knows how much I love him and miss him. I worry that Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde will not know how much I love and need them.
I have a fear of inanimate objects. The table for example. Not like I think the table will get up and kick my butt, but that it silently is another way that this world is cruel. My table as the years grow is a simple reminder that there will be an empty place at it. Our van Jayde sits in the far back drivers side, Jessa far back passenger side, Jonathin right behind me, and.......Ethin was supposed to be right behind the passenger seat. The van is a cruel reminder that he is not here. I am afraid that I will not be able to see past these things. Not to mention the empty damn crib that I can not take down!!!!!!!!!! Inanimate objects part of my fear.
My friends have fears with me. I have some friends that hope I do not bring up my son. They are afraid to be around me because I might say his name or cry. They fear, because they do not know. But this hurts me to know. I have a fear of being hurt more than I am so this is a bad mix. I do not expect them to know what to say nor do I want them to. Damn though really they are afraid to spend time with me!!!
So that leads to the fear of losing more people in my life. Fear of not living up to every one's expectations of my grief. I can't!!! I can NOT do it! I used to hate the word can't till now. Because I know my grief and fears and guilt make it so I can't do certain things.
The fear of really never being normal again is terrifying. I know I will never be the same, but what if I can not ever function like a normal person.
I have a fear of having more children or the ones I have developing a heart defect. I fear that my SVT will not get better. What am I to do? Fear holding me, strangling me, suffocating who I am.
I fear that I will remain to feel lost among the many. I fear that I will never have the relationship with God that I used to. I do not pray the way I used to. I no longer talk to God at all if I can help it. It makes me cry to walk into my church! Really are you kidding me? But somehow there are times that I really do feel God just holding me. He has not forgotten me and HE is with me. He cries with me and He knows how I feel. So if I feel him and I have seen him why can I not just run to him now?
Ethin's name is still the sweetest sound to my ears! Never is there a time that his name does not make me smile. His name is such a sweet reminder of a warrior that I met. I held an angel. I have kissed the face God. I know that I will hold him again. Not for many years I am sure, but I know I will and until then I know God is holding him and Ethin is happy. Yet I am afraid. I live in fear an all consuming fear that builds in me and spreads like fire.
Fear= False Evidence Appearing Real..........So maybe I can try to have this instead Full Assurance In The Heart. Long shot but I am praying I can do it!

Please continue to pray for the following....
Andrew and his appointment this week, Heart Ball, My family, Leslie and her boys, The Deloreys

Blessings,

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Secret Garden

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It has been just over 4 months since I entered this world known as grief. 4 months ago I became the parent who left the hospital without a baby in her arms. 4 months ago I buried my CHD Warrior. 4 months ago the world lost a warrior and Heaven gained an Angel.
I feel like life is so unfair. I still feel a great deal of guilt and anger. However I am slowly feeling God's arms hold me again. I am also feeling more at peace with Ethin being gone. This does not mean I am all better it just means I am feeling again. Something I would much rather not do. I hope that is not wrong, but not dealing with it is so much easier than facing the treacherous pain of it all.
In the future I hope that when I think of Ethin it will not bring me straight to tears. I hope that I can look back on all of this and know that I did the best I could for him and the J Triplets. Somehow I worry about them in all this and hope that in the future they will be OK too and able to see how amazing their brother really is.
Finding peace is a hard thing in this, but with God on my side I am sure that I will. I hope that I will. I have Faith that God will hold me up. He has this far. My boy is happy and he is OK I know that. He is healthy and I know that. So knowing all that does that qualify as peace or just knowledge of Heaven?
Blessings,
Jessica

Sorry and still sick!

January 9, 2010

VFW Hall
9075 Mason Dr
Newaygo, MI 49337

Doors will open at 4:30pm
A welcome will happen at 5:30pm
Dinner immediately following the welcome 6pm-7pm eat dinner
7pm introduction and about the event
715pm introduction of a speaker
745 faces of CHD video
8pm a formal waltz in memory of Ethin Twigg
805pm a thank you and enjoy the rest of our evening dancing

Dinner will be donated and catered by CSK Catering. There will be things to drink with a tip jug donation.
There will be a silent auction and dancing after the thank you
Tickets are $75 for one or $125 for two please make checks payable for the tickets to Jessica Twigg and in the memo line write Heart Ball
This is a black tie event so dig out your tuxes and formal gowns for a great cause that will help the Hearts of many!!!
All proceeds from this event will be donated to the University of Michigan Mott's Children's Hospital Congenital Heart Center in Memory of Ethin RaiLuc Twigg 1/9/09-6/27/09
R.S.V.P. to Jessica Twigg
513 Sunset Dr.
Newaygo, MI 49337
chdhlhs09@yahoo.com
616-634-3029
In other news I am still in desperate need of blankets. Our Cuddles From The Heart Program in MI is off to a good start and we have about 210 so we only need about another 90. I think that this is very doable. I also think that if we get more than that would be even better as it would allow the kids and the families to really have a choice. You can mail me your new store bought or homemade blanket to Jessica Twigg 513 Sunset Dr. Newaygo, MI 49337
We will be handing these blankets out in Feb. at Mott's where Ethin spent his life. The comfort of our own blankets during his life was just enough to make the hospital feel more like our home than a hospital. The nurses liked putting them on his bed and I liked knowing there were some areas where comfort was attainable. So let's get these blankets!!!
I also still have Ethin's Bracelets. They are $2 each and I can mail them to you if you mail me the money to the above address also. All the money from these bracelets are funding the heart ball. I am also in desperate need of more pictures for my Faces of CHD video. I need pictures of people and children with CHD's emailed to me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com with the picture I also need the name of the child and the CHD they have. I also need more CHD Angel pictures with those pictures I need their first name and last name if you wish as well as their birth date, Angel date, and CHD. Spread this around please as I am trying to make this video a good one to show at the heart ball.


Well this week has been rough. I was so sick last week and then I went to the doctor today and I now have bronchitis. I can not win for losing!! I also have had a very rapid heart rate the last few weeks like it ranges from 94-170!!! I have SVT, but lately it is getting much worse. So I also had an EKG done today! It is a good fast rhythm. So I go back in a month to have another EKG and get referred to a cardiologist and possibly start beta blockers. No bueno!!!

On a bright note the weather in Michigan has been amazing!! Not sure how it is that MI weather always seems to just be weird! Needless to say we are all enjoying the weather here is a picture of the J Triplets from this weekend outside in the leaves with our dog Inge. Yes our dog is named after the Detroit Tigers 3rd basemen!

Yep there they are Jessa, Jayde, Jonathin, and Inge. Funny that the only one looking at the camera is our dog!! Oh well I still love the picture!

Well counseling is still going. Not sure all the time that I find it to be much help, but I am doing it. So he diagnosed me with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Well I think I figured that out all on my own! However I guess it is always nice to hear it from a professional that you have a problem! All kidding aside I knew I had it years ago. However going through what I did with Ethin has intensified to the point where it is at now. Sometimes it is bad and other times it is not good, but I am trying to learn to live with it.

So on Monday Ethin would have been 10 months old! I can not believe that he would have been 10 months old or that it was 10 months ago he came blazing intot he world. 10 months ago I heard his sweet cry not knowing that I would never again hear it like that again. 10 months ago I became a heart mom not knowing that it would change my life the way it did. 10 months ago I had no idea that my heart could hurt the way it does. 10 months ago I had no idea that I was looking at the face of God. Looking back now I see many things that I did not know till now. I love you Ethin Forever you are MY Warrior and Angel!

Well so I have discovered this healing thing and grieving thing not so easy! I am starting to find some strength in God though. Just some food for thought that was shared with me. In the Bible when it says God will not give you more than you can handle he was speaking of Temptation not Grief! I am so sick of people telling me this and someone else shared this with me. To often we take the words of the Bible and put them out of context. This is written in Corinthians and if you read then you know that it's speaking of temptation.

Also I have come to realize that God is so patient with me. More patient than so many others. He never asks me not to talk about Ethin or to pretend that it did not happen. However there are people who worry when they are with me because they do not know how to react. So I am slowly going back into my shell it was so much safer there.

Also I want to apologize if it hurt people to read my last post. I know that it is not easy to read about my recollection with Ethin however it is something that from time to time I think about and when I write I write about what is on my mind. I wish I never had to experience that day he died. But I did and so it is something that I shared. I love you all so much and would never want to hurt any of you.

Also I got some more blankets today in the mail 20 to be exact! And a local TV station is going to cover the Heart Ball!!! I encourage you to use the link on the right to hear about it and to visit the Cuddles from the Heart Blog site! Woot Woot!!!

I also wrote a poem the other day and thought I would share it since I have not shared one in a while.

Life comes and life it goes

Tears fall but nobody knows

The hurt that builds deep inside

From all the painful tears I've cried

Walls put up to keep people out

Walls to quiet my screaming shout

Inside I'm dying the blood runs thick

Looking in the mirror makes me sick

The person I've become is pure hell

Crawling back inside my battered shell

Who to trust seems to be the question

I have a huge problem with perception

So in I go and out you stay

I'm content living life at bay

Judge me they all do

Easy to judge when you have no clue

I carry life really well

I look happy from what you can tell

Looks they can be pretty decieving

But it's the reason most are leaving

I have nothing more to give

Please let it go this is my life to live

Live it I will making this Stand

Every now and then though I may need a hand.

Jessica Twigg 11/6/09


Alright I also have a few prayer requests

Andrew for his upcoming appointment

My kids as we are adjusting still

The Heart Ball

The Delorey's as Rick is still in ICU

Ethan Bilpos family as they are having a rough week it would have been his 9th birthday this week

Ethin's godmother Mandy has been sick all week

Blessings and Love,




Thursday, November 5, 2009

Reliving trying to Grieve

January 9, 2010

VFW Hall
9075 Mason Dr
Newaygo, MI 49337

Doors will open at 4:30pm
A welcome will happen at 5:30pm
Dinner immediately following the welcome 6pm-7pm eat dinner
7pm introduction and about the event
715pm introduction of a speaker
745 faces of CHD video
8pm a formal waltz in memory of Ethin Twigg
805pm a thank you and enjoy the rest of our evening dancing

Dinner will be donated and catered by CSK Catering. There will be things to drink with a tip jug donation.
There will be a silent auction and dancing after the thank you
Tickets are $75 for one or $125 for two please make checks payable for the tickets to Jessica Twigg and in the memo line write Heart Ball
This is a black tie event so dig out your tuxes and formal gowns for a great cause that will help the Hearts of many!!!
All proceeds from this event will be donated to the University of Michigan Mott's Children's Hospital Congenital Heart Center in Memory of Ethin RaiLuc Twigg 1/9/09-6/27/09
R.S.V.P. to Jessica Twigg
513 Sunset Dr.
Newaygo, MI 49337
chdhlhs09@yahoo.com
616-634-3029
In other news I am still in desperate need of blankets. Our Cuddles From The Heart Program in MI is off to a good start and we have about 210 so we only need about another 90. I think that this is very doable. I also think that if we get more than that would be even better as it would allow the kids and the families to really have a choice. You can mail me your new store bought or homemade blanket to Jessica Twigg 513 Sunset Dr. Newaygo, MI 49337
We will be handing these blankets out in Feb. at Mott's where Ethin spent his life. The comfort of our own blankets during his life was just enough to make the hospital feel more like our home than a hospital. The nurses liked putting them on his bed and I liked knowing there were some areas where comfort was attainable. So let's get these blankets!!!
I also still have Ethin's Bracelets. They are $2 each and I can mail them to you if you mail me the money to the above address also. All the money from these bracelets are funding the heart ball. I am also in desperate need of more pictures for my Faces of CHD video. I need pictures of people and children with CHD's emailed to me at chdhlhs09@yahoo.com with the picture I also need the name of the child and the CHD they have. I also need more CHD Angel pictures with those pictures I need their first name and last name if you wish as well as their birth date, Angel date, and CHD. Spread this around please as I am trying to make this video a good one to show at the heart ball.


Alright so as life goes on I continue to find myself many times continuing to look back at my time with Ethin and all that happened. I have played it all over and over in my head, reread our carepage(The link is on the right), looked at every picture, and played the videos. I think of many things. When I do this I think of how life changed however I also think of all the sacrifices that were made. I think of all the happiness and I can not help but think of all the hurt that came too. And there is guilt there is plenty of guilt.

Guilt is an overwhelming part of my grief and my inability to grieve. So I see a counselor weekly and somehow I still am not grieving. I am feeling guilty though. I feel more guilt now than I imagined possible. With guilt comes anger and so there are times I have that. Anger brings sadness and the sadness goes right to guilt and skips grief. Does that make sense? It really is a vicious cycle!

I felt guilt the first time I seen Ethin. I felt happiness, but I also felt guilt. I felt guilt that I did that to him that it was my fault he was born like that. Now I know it wasn't, but I still can not help think I did something wrong. So there I looked at my new baby and he was already fighting for his like at that point. Maybe a part of me felt selfish that I was asking him to fight that hard. A part of me felt guilt and felt selfish.

The days that followed were filled with many things and many feelings. I felt heart broken as I watched him lay there helplessly and I could not hold him just talk to him and touch him. I would read to him and pray constantly. The guilt of being his mother and there was nothing I could do to help him or protect him. Surgery day came and I was able to hold him. It took 4 people to place him in my arms. I was overwhelmed with emotions that morning as they placed him in my arms. When I looked down at him he looked so peaceful and I felt happy and sad. So many times in his life I felt polar opposite feelings. Then they took him away from me for surgery and my heart broke.

Surgery......This was needed for him to sustain life and it was the option I had chose. So of course when he was taken to surgery I was scared, but guilt played yet again into the equation. What if he did not come out of the surgery? What if he was unable to make it through the surgery? That would be all my fault, because I made the decision for the surgery route. I made the decision for surgery rather than the transplant. Yes guilt layed heavily upon my mind. Then he came back from surgery and I got to go see him. That first look at Ethin was horrifying. Ethin did not look like the sweet peaceful baby I had sent down he looked like a puffy marshmallow that was clinging to life by machines and IV's. I did that to him I asked him, no I demanded that he be strong and fight. I demanded that he at 1 week old FIGHT! I told him how I needed him never taking into account all that it meant for him. I felt guilty for doing it to him and I felt selfish for asking so much of him.

Recovery was a slow process, but it happened. Ethin recovered and we came home to a life that was devastating to our friends, family, and my other children. I became a Heart Mom and forgot that I was a regular everyday mom. I invested in hand sanitizer and made rules about entering my home. I discussed with my ex husband that if the other kids were sick they could not come over, I shopped at night in the middle of the night, My other children could not touch Ethin without handwashing and hand sanitizer. Really now I felt guilt that I was making it impossible to be home and normal. No worries though Ethin got sick and we went back to our "Safe Place".

Safe Place???? Yep the hospital was safe I had no worries when we were there however we got back and again guilt consumed my life. I left the J Triplets again to be with Ethin. To be with Ethin who was back in ICU and intubated and again fighting to survive. How could I ask so much of him, no I did not ask I expected it. I expected that he could do it that he would do it. I watched him fight and within 2 weeks we were back home.

Home was a foreign concept to me. Not to mention I was told that many people were vested into Ethin and I and our family and was asked to stay at home and not go to church. Um OK....now guilt that I have to tell my kids we can not go to church we could not be normal! I guess that may be when it hit me that we were no longer just a normal everyday family. I called every day the J triplets were to come over and make sure they were perfectly healthy and then we locked ourselves in the house. I had to explain all the medicines to kids who did not understand and I had to teach them about Ethin. We all adjusted....The kids came in with hands open for a squirt, they happily rode with friends to school, and they were content that we never left the house as a family. They also did not understand why their friends could not come play. I was pulling my other children from the world they knew who does that?

However the world they knew was dissipating and this new world of being a heart family was evolving. We were all adjusting and it was our new normal. Then that all changed very drastically again. Ethin got sick and when he left our home that night he would never come back. Instead he would live out his life in the hospital our safe place. Back to the hospitals, back to asking my other children to understand, back to the unknown back to the selfishness, and back to the guilt. Guilt of leaving my other children and asking Ethin to fight again so hard.

I knew Ethin would have surgery and so I left him for a weekend to come home with my other children. I felt guilty when I left, but I needed them too. Then I went back to the hospital and planned a trip for them to come there. They came and Ethin could not leave his room. How was it fair? How could I do this to all of them. My kids hated the hospital seeing their brother like that, not having me with them, and Ethin fight Punk is all I requested.

Surgery again approached. Ethin came back from that and it was awful. My guilt now looking back at those 6 days after that surgery eat me alive. I would cry in front of him, storm out because I was angry and scared, and I would pray and tell him to hang on and to fight. I felt guilt then seeing him like that knowing that every day was a prayer that he might not make it. Then I would pray not in his room and ask God to stop the hurting. To not allow him to suffer like this.

Then he was in an emergency surgery to save his life and I agreed, not because I knew he could do it, but because I did not want to lose him. Because I NEEDED him, because I did not want to bury him. So I agreed to surgery because he is my son and I wanted him to live I loved him. I just wanted him to have a chance at life no matter what the cost. It was a rough go but Ethin was on the mend. He had a diaphragm issue and intubation and extubation problems but by the end of May and 2 months in the ICU he was on his way!

It was a long rough road but he was doing it and I was still scared all the time. However I came home on June 25th. I got in at dinner time and the next day I took care of the new family car and got the other kids. For Saturday would be a benefit for our family and we would all be there except for Ethin who would be home in 10 days. I felt guilty when I left him, but was assured he was stable.

June 27, 2009 at about 8:30am I got a phone call that changed my life. Ethin had coded. I left my son and he was dying. I left my baby I left him. What kind of mother leaves their baby. By 9:45am I got the call I never wanted as I was on my way back. It was our favorite doctor. He told me Ethin was gone. No this can not be happening. I was gonna be back later that night he could not be gone. So guilt rushed in and then it was like a fight or flight mode. I called everyone I needed to and tried to stay calm. I thought when I got there it would be a bad mistake. No such luck. Guilt would rule me.........

I got the hospital at about 1pm and there was Ethin intubated, IV's, and dressed. I would not even take him from our nurse I made them take it all out. I felt guilt when I seen him for leaving him. But I also felt complete failure. I felt failure set on me and I felt like it was not real. I failed my son. I held Ethin for hours about 6-7 hours to be exact. I napped with him and I tried to convince myself that it was not real. Giving him back was the hardest thing I have ever done as I knew I would never hold him again. Then I had to pack his stuff and my stuff. I had to pack our "home". It was time to go home. It was time to accept failure and allow guilt and selfishness and reality to set in.

So life goes that I planned a funeral that I do not remember. I included my kids in as much as I could. I wrote an obituary and ordered flowers. I picked out a casket and a cemetery plot, I picked out music and bible verses, I asked important people in Ethin's life to carry him into the church and to his final resting place. I with tears in my eyes watched them lower my baby into the ground. I watched that and remember that very clearly as I said goodbye to my Hero, my Punk, My Warrior! He was my Warrior and He is forever my angel!

Yep life is going on and I am standing still. Life continues and for the J Triplets I am too. However that does not mean that my guilt goes away. If anything it may be worse I asked God not to allow Ethin to suffer and now he is not. My prayer was answered just not the way I was hoping for. My guilt makes it impossible for me to grieve. I am hoping by admitting that I feel guilty perhaps I can grieve. It may take a long time. However I know that I am not doing this alone. Ethin is with me and God is in me.


This is Ethin's Life you will need to turn off the music player at the top of this page to hear the music and the videos on this slideshow. This is my Warrior



Blessings,




Tuesday, November 3, 2009

My Time With God

I am constantly starting my blog with the Heart Ball and the Cuddles from the Heart. Well today on this blog I am just going to encourage you for the Heart Ball click the link for it on the right side of the screen and for the Cuddles From the Heart please read an older post. I am doing this, because I just feel the need to write. With that some of this may seem random and I am sorry for that.
I suppose I will start with some good news.....On October 26, 2009 my baby sister gave birth to a healthy baby boy named Landon James. He was 19in long and weighed a whopping 9lbs 3oz. He ended being born C-Section as he was breech, but my sister Alivia and Landon are both doing great. I am a real aunt!!!!
So I talked on the phone with my sister tonight and I heard Landon cry. I had to let her go, because it was just to much. I want to go see them when I am not sick which I will get to that, but I am worried. I have been around babies and all, but it is never an easy task for me. I wish I felt normal again.
I was at the doctor today and I tested positive for strep throat. Then last night I started running high fevers and was just blah and felt so much worse. So off to the ER I went to discover I have pneumonia again, Strep throat, a viral infection in my body, and a UTI. God these are lemons and they are all yours!!! I have a healer on my side I will kick this!
Also Halloween came and went and I did not get to dress up my punk for his first Halloween. It was a rather painful thing. I did make him a pumpkin, but I did not get to celebrate the fun of Halloween with him. I thought about what it would have been like and I am sure I would have dressed up as a hot pepper! LOL Although I could not celebrate his first Halloween I did get to give him a pumpkin. So this silly holiday was hard I have to be honest I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving or to Christmas.
Now in bringing that up I am really seriously not wanting these holidays to come. I am worried about the emotions it will drag up for me. I keep thinking that I need to make Ethin a part of our traditions. So I am keeping my eyes peeled for something special to put on our Christmas tree which goes up on Thanksgiving. I need to have a way to have him be a part of it.
Well so holidays are fast approaching and I am dreading it. I more so lately miss him tremendously and am afraid to really blog about it, because I just can not take anymore negative judgment passed on me for how I feel. I have tried to focus my blogs lately on everything but how I am really feeling.....This is not working for me. I miss Ethin and I just keep imagining how different everything would be if he was still here. My hopes and dreams all changed on June 27. However I want to share how I think things would be....
Ethin would have came home in July. The J Triplets and I and Ethin would have taken our vacation to SD, IA, and SC. We would have experienced some things knowing another surgery was creeping up. Ethin would have had his Heart Cath September 28th and would have had his Hemi-Fontan again on October 1. Once he was recovered we would have come home again and been normal. We would have had a real family portrait taken. His CHD quilt would not have been adjusted. The original one was shown in the last blog however this is what it looks like now notice his Angel date has been added.So yes life would be so different. However I also think that I am really starting to see some purpose in all of this. The Heart Ball is going forward. Letters of Hope for Broken Hearts boomed after Ethin went to Heaven. My email was flooded with letters from so many people. The Cuddles from the HEart Program in MI is going so well!!!! Ethin going to be with God is the most painful thing I have ever been through, but I see how God used Ethin and still uses Ethin everyday!
Yes I am slowly finding my faith again. Many know that this has been a struffle for me since Ethin passed away. It has also been a very painful thing for me to go through as I sincerely felt like I lost my son and God. This is so untrue. I have Ethin in me and everything I do. I see Ethin's smile when Jonathin smiles as Ethin had his brothers smile. And I have a God that loves me and is still helping me do this. God has carried me this far but I was so angry that I simply refused to believe that. The next stuff I am about to write may be unbelivable to some, but it is the best recollection I have and I need to share it....
On September 28 I was hospitalized. My respitory drive was depleted and I was intubated. I was breathing by a machine. My friends all say they were there with me talking to me and holding my hand, but I was not there with them I was somewhere else.
I was in a very beautiful open field that smelled of all the wonderful things in life that I love. There was the smell of my grndmas homemade cookies, my grandfathers cologne, and the breeze rushed on my face and I smelled Ethin. I looked all across the field and there he was by a tree on a path. I could see he was being held and I as I approached I could hear Ethin communicating to me. He really was in the arms of God.
Now I can tell you that there really is no way to describe where I was or what I was seeing. I do not have the words that would describe all that it was and the amazingness of it. I can tell you that God's face was the most beautiful face I have ever layed my eyes upon. Ethin was pink and healthy looking and he was smiling. He communicated but not with loud words. And God spoke too. Ethin is Happy and he plays. Ethin loves me and knows that I love him. He knows that I am needed here. His wisdom was very much beyond my belief. My communcation with Ethin was everything I needed it to be. I told him how sorry I was and that I loved him and I missed him. I cried and I got to touch him and kiss his head.
My conversation with God however was much more painful than the communication I had with Ethin. The first thing I said to God was what did I do wrong? He simply said nothing. He told me He loved me and i did nothing wrong. He told me that He has cried many times with me and for me. That I would get through this and He would not just let me drown it. Somehow the words I wanted to say never had to be said God knew. And he spoke from that knowing. He knows that I am hurting and he hurts too. I did nothing wrong. He understands that I am angry and he is not mad at me for that. He spoke to me with such an understanding of everything that I felt.
God showed me Jessa, Jonathin, and Jayde. He explained that they needed me, but he also told me that I had to decide. I looked at Ethin I told him I loved him, that I was proud of him, I miss him so very much, but I had to stay with his sisters and brother. Ethin smiled he let me know it was OK and that he was safe. I kissed Ethin on the cheek and I looked at God and told him I wanted to live that I needed to live. He said yes and I was awake with doctors and nurses standing over my bed telling me to calm down they would take out the tube.
They did take the tube out and a few hours later when I woke up I felt a lot of things. I felt at peace, but I also felt very empty. I felt very empty coming back here. This Earth is just nothing in comparrisson to where I was. However I felt at peace knowing Ethin is alright. I also felt good that I finally got to say goodbye. I felt at peace knowing God loves me and I did nothing wrong.
This is a very awkward thing to share and I am writing it with tears in my yes, but I needed to just write it down. I know it sounds crazy, but it is the most real thing I have ever experienced. And it has allowed me to slowly fill my life back up with God. With Faith and Hope. I have no idea why all this happened to me, but I do know that God is not far from us ever. He never did leave me. And I honestly feel he gave me that time knowing that I needed it.
After sharing this there really is nothing more to say. PLease keep the following in your prayers... My sister and Landon as Alivia recovers from her c-section and Landon to stay healthy in the midst of all the sickness, My pastors one in Israel and both for my ones dad as he continues to fight the cancer he has, My friend Rick Delorey who is now out of ICU but still fighting his cancer and clots in his lungs, Leslie and her boys, Mira a heart baby that it looks like she will be going on the transplant list, the Heart Ball, and my kids and I as we continue to grieve for Ethin.
Blessings,